General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I need some quick advice. I have a so-called (now distant) friend that in my opinion has been "too friendly" with my husband. I have tried to pull away from her with success, but due to our sons playing baseball together, we will be seeing more of her soon.
To make a long story short. Her husband who was our friend passed away about eight years ago. My husband and I tried to be there for her and her kids throughout it all. I sensed some bonding between her and my husband, but didn't feel threatened due to the "trust" factor at the time. This changed a few years back, when I began feeling like she was more his friend than mine.
This past year, my husband refused to go around her anymore. I'm not sure if this is a result of something happening between the two of them or from the hassle I was giving him for their close friendship.
She admitted to me about five months ago that my husband has always confided in her about our relationship problems. She basically told me that he told her everything. WHAT??? (I don't remember giving her permission to do that!!) I was shocked and asked her why he quit? She didn't know? When I questioned him about it, he said she always asked him questions and he would answer them. I can see her doing this, she is very inquisitive/nosy. So she was hearing my problems and turning around and questioning him about it. Why??? I don't know and probably don't want to. He also said she was being a troublemaker.
I told my husband that I didn't want him talking to any woman (besides a relative maybe) about our problems and I explained that this is against marital rules. Close bonding with another woman is out of the question for a married man. He said he wouldn't talk to her about any of that anymore.
He hasn't been around her for a long time, but he will be now and I'm worried that their relationship will pick back up.
Should I trust him and let it be, or should I say something to her? I really feel the need to tell her that my husband and I are getting along great and ask her not to meddle? What do you all think??? It's possible that they will see each other (when I'm not around) tonight. So I need to act soon.
Trust him, but also have a pleasant conversation with her asking her to not ask those sort of questions or get into those sort of conversations with your husband. They are your private issues, not hers.
Here's my "best guess" on what happened with your husband and this woman (and I'm usually the "yup, he/she is cheating" guy).
I think your husband is one of those "nice guys" that wants to help people through problems and doesn't want to offend anyone by not answering their questions, etc even if its too personal.
I think your husband got close to her when her husband died trying to help her out, and when she started to get "close" to him she started prying into your relationship asking questions. Probably "innocent" ones at first and your husband answered them not wanting to be rude.
Now, eventually your husband realized she was trying to cause problems in your marriage and/or the questions went WAY too far so he told you about it and stopped hanging around the woman completely.
Like I said, I'm usually the "yup he/she is probably cheating" guy, but I truly think your husband is just one of those guys that wants to help people and never wants to be rude and when he realized the relationship with her was plutonic on his end but not so plutonic on her end, he cut it off.
You know your husband, if what I said definitely sounds like him, then quite frankly you have a wonderful man.
I would trust him and have a chat with the woman, keep it nice and to the point, don't act pissed off or anything, or she'll run to your husband and say "you know what your WIFE just did!".
Trust him, but also have a pleasant conversation with her asking her to not ask those sort of questions or get into those sort of conversations with your husband. They are your private issues, not hers.
They do say, keep your fiends close and your enemies closer. I had a female friend like yours. She thought of herself as a good person, but she was the trigger for a lot of rows at one point. I basically cut contact with her as it annoyed my wife. There was absolutly no chance of anything physical developing in my case, but the friendship was not worth the trouble.
If you have to have her in your life, keep tabs on what is going on, and smile from a distance. Don't abandon your husband to cope with her all on his own. You see, he may be getting something out of having a shoulder to cry on, but like me he may be fed up with the nature of the relationship one ends up having with this sort of person. and yet he may feel a duty due to his dearly departed friend.
Awesome responses from all of you!!! Thank you so much for the advice. It's so nice to be able to ask advice from this forum!!
MT: I totally agree with keeping my enemies closer!! And my husband and I are "almost" like newlyweds again!! It's been a bumpy ride since this past summer, but I'm taking care of me (I've lost 40 lbs and in the best shape I've been in for a long time!) and everything else seems to be falling into place.
Revitalized: You hit the nail on the head!! You described my husband to a "T". He's very kind hearted and wants to get along with everyone. Unfortunately, he's also very naive and get's caught up in compromising situations also. He tends to be flirty and funny and underestimates the effect he has. My friend is also flirty and fun so they have definately gotten carried away at times. I thought that she might rat me out if I said anything to her, but I feel confident enough in our relationship now to deal with that too.
Sunflower: Hopefully it hasn't come to that, but I have my doubts. There have been plenty of opportunities, so who knows!!
tnt20: I guessed "right" because I'm just like your husband and my "being nice" has got myself into situations that my wife didn't like, even with her friends. Nothing serious, just things that she has come to me and said "please don't talk much with so and so anymore ok?"
Revitalized: Your fortunate that nothing serious has happened. You must know when to back off. Sometimes, I think that he doesn't. Plus, it seems like when I ask him not to talk to someone, he talks to them even more just to prove he can.
It's funny, when I confronted him with what she said about him "telling her everything", he really got angry with her and said he would never talk to her again. But just a few weeks later, he ran into her at a sporting event and he talked to her!! Amazing how quickly he forgot.
I didn't see him, but I asked him if he did and he said yes. Of course, my sarcastic remark was "did you catch "___" up on your problems when you saw her...which caused more problems. Sometimes I can't help myself!!
Makes a woman wonder if she can have friends??? That could be another post...
My problem now is how to approach her. I've avoided her for so long, except for a phone call recently about carpooling to practices, that I'm not exactly sure how to do it without blowing it up.
i think something did go on between them. u dont just jump ship ( his friendship with her) to open waters.
fact is you without realising, gave consent to the friendship. i know i wouldnt .
through personal experience i have found that one on one, entices to close for comfort discussions.
i think the bond would/ could come back. they have had contact b 4, so they stil know eachothers likes and dislikes.
personally stay away would be the easiest of solutions.
A friend that is too friendly to hubby
