General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I’m in a no-win situation here and don’t expect anyone to have a solution but maybe there are some people with advice or similar experiences they could share. Me and my wife met in college and married young 7 years ago. I was young (22) and she was even younger (20). I know that is really young to get married but we had been dating since our first year of college and were already living together and were in love so we figured we might as well be married. Our bigger mistake was talking about the future in pretty vague terms. She certainly did ask if I wanted kids and I said “yes of course” because I was sure I would have the desire to later on like I thought every guy did but it was hard to even fathom at the moment being so young and still in college. We didn’t discuss a timeframe AT ALL before marriage which I think was certainly our biggest mistake.
ThatOneGuy
You changed the game, not her. Together you both thought children would be part of your lives. I won't say you played bait and switch, but you did lead her on, by your indecision. She thought you both had an agreement. Then you changed your mind. That was an independent decision on your part, not a joint agreement. You see what heart break that caused both of you. Yes this may be a deal breaker for her. Yes even if she stays with you, this will always be the elephant in the room. That is what happens when life changing decisions are decided by one party. I agree with you there is no solution. She will resent that you made this decision on you own.
By the way, we married at the same ages as you two, both leaned toward not wanting children, went for it in our mid thirties. Had a DS. Happily married 37 years.
I just hope that she doesn't choose to stay with me and then make me miserable for the next 15 years with constantly nagging me about the issue as her body tells her to make babies before it is too late followed by regret and resentment.
No, this is not a situation in which you can "hope." I'm sorry. This is too big for mere hoping. You have every right to how you feel, and you should not be made to feel miserable for your decision. The same goes for your wife.
Why, oh, why do people stay together when they cannot agree on fundamental issues? Sure, you love her, and I bet she loves you.
But this boils down to WHAT IS, not WHAT IF. What is: you don't want children now. You may never want children. That is fine. Your wife is starting to sound like she really feels otherwise. Nobody should martyr themselves or play victim forever to accommodate the other partner.
I know this stinks, but we all have to be true to ourselves. If she really, truly wants kids somewhere in the course of your marriage, and is starting to feel that need, then someone has to be proactive.
I feel this was a horrendous mistake to not talk about THOROUGHLY before getting married, now she is pathetically in love with you.....AND she is facing a lifetime of pent up resentment and sacrifice if she stays....
I would tell her to leave you..move on.... I know that feeling of wanting children, and I would never stay with a man who didn't understand that NEED within a woman's heart, or wanted none, it was a part of MY package and many women's. This is normal.
It was so unfair to give her hope while dating, then take it away, or say things you half meant.
Oh the wasted years... let her loose. Find a woman who wants a child-free life.
Please don't refer to your wife wanting kids and being sad about not having them with the man she loves as "nagging". YOU came into this marriage under some form of false representation. You said yes and then changed YOUR mind. She never did. She always wanted the family. You seem to be te flip flopper here...not her.
She is the one making the sacrifice by being with you. Do her a favor and let her go and leave. You changed your mind and in essence changed the course of her life just by simply being with you. Stop putting this all on her.
You can't stay with her. You can't. She really wants to have children and that's not a desire that just goes away. I am finding it hard enough to come to terms with only having two children, as my husband is adamant he doesn't want any more.
It's not going to get any better. Since you are the one who doesn't want children you need to step up, be strong and let her go. If you stay together and you are the reason she doesn't get to have the children she wants I give you 0% chance of staying together long-term anyway, as the resentment will kill all the love she has for you.
Let her go. Or agree to have a baby. Anything else is cruel. Posted via Mobile Device
-you tell her that you do not want kids, full stop and she has to decide whether she accepts not becoming a mother ever and stays with you or moves on.
-my bet is she will move on, women have an inbuilt urge to become mothers and many do not feel fulfilled unless they have a child
-she meets someone else and has a family with him
-you move on and meet someone else. Great woman, loving relationship, but she wants a child too. What do you do? Same as before and move to the next woman?
-or maybe a child is born without you wanting it and when that child says 'daddy' and shows you unconditional love you wake up and realize what this is all about. You realize what you have lost with your wife.
Life is tough and we need to make choices. Your wife will feel worse the older she gets and I do not see your marriage surviving if she stays with you without a child.
You need to tell your wife that you do not want children.
Saying that you "may" never or "might not" ever want kids is just leading her on. She's staying because she mistakenly thinks that you haven't actually made a final decision. But you have. So tell her that.
She hasn't done anything wrong and neither have you. There's no moral high-ground for you to occupy here, so saying it's on her to leave isn't productive. One of you needs to leave, but there is nothing to be gained by trying to wait her out and force her to be the one to do it.
I think us guys sometime overlook how really important it is for woman to have children. As we are past that age now I can see that her not being able to have children was one of the most painful things she had to face as she aged. While watching our friends and families kids be the biggest parts of their lives.
Resentment is the most damaging thing to have in a marriage. The biggest cure for resentment is forgiveness. Forgiveness is the biggest gift to give yourself, as you carry the burden if you do not forgive.
The ball is not in your wife's court. That is astonishingly bad advice.
Your wife will be in pain, and in conflict for the rest of her life if she stays with you. Yes, she may decide to stay, but she will never be complete. The biological drive is too strong. She will continue to flip flop forever. I would say without much doubt that she will grow to hate and resent you over this. She may be happy one day but women's moods and feelings change constantly. Now before you decide never to give her a child, the only thing I can say is you may have a hard time finding a woman at your age who is not focused on having a child... Food for thought, because all of us must do what-if trade offs when deciding to stick with a current marriage or not...
Well, dayummm. Guess I'll be going against the grain a bit. Please bear with me.
Whether to have children or not is a big decision, of course. You say you don't want to bring an "unwanted" child into the world, but the truth is, you're incapable of doing so. Your child would most definitely be wanted by at least one of you.
It's also important to recognize where each other is coming from. For some people, having a child is a HUGE validation that they're where they are "supposed to be" in their lives. Sometimes it's a way of celebrating themselves and their relationship by creating something "bigger," a legacy that they hope will leave a mark on the world and their own way of leaving a mark upon the world. I don't know what your wife hopes to achieve by having a child, but whatever it is, you'll discover it's a very deep need that is currently not being met.
Your own desire to not have a child also involves some deep needs. Are you afraid it will hurt you financially, cost you your independence, or something else?
The two of you need to get to the bottom of those needs and what they mean. I recommend asking yourselves, "What's important about that?" at least five levels deep:
"What's important about having / not having a child?"
"It's a way to make my mark on the world." "I want to keep my freedom."
What's important about making your mark on the world? What's important to you about keeping your freedom? Then answer the "what's important about" question for these answers, and so on. As you reach the fourth of fifth level, you'll come to understand exactly what needs are suffering. You'll have an opportunity to consider if there may be other solutions, or to recognize that you have a means to help each other find a deep level of contentment.
You said you were interested in similar stories, and I have two for you to consider. One is my own, and another is my friend's.
My close friend wanted a child with her new husband. She had three children from her first marriage, and her new hubby, a military guy, had one that he hardly ever got to see and when he did, it often meant an unpleasant experience with his ex.
She asked me for advice because she was thinking about ending their marriage even though she adored her husband in every other way. When I asked her what was important to her, she said that she felt she had more love to give, and that she wanted to have a baby that was a mix of him and her.
As we got deeper into both of their reasons, I gave her my opinion, which was that she was going to sacrifice something great in her life to do more of the same thing - raising her children - when she could give them all that extra love just as easily.
She ultimately decided to be happy without having more children, and I haven't heard her complain in the five years since.
My own experience was when I was very young. I'd gotten pregnant while taking birth control pills. The doctor hadn't warned me that antibiotics could counteract the pill's effectiveness, and BAM! There I was, 17 and pregnant by an older man who said he wanted to have kids "someday" but who, at 27, had paid for several abortions and showed no signs of being ready anytime soon. He wanted me to have an abortion, which I refused to do.
I let him know that he was free to leave and I wouldn't seek child support, but I also wouldn't let him come strolling back into the baby's life some years down the road, either. To his credit, he decided to stick around. We felt ready when I got pregnant with my second child, and our relationship was in bad shape when I got pregnant for the third time. Yes, the guy who didn't want children now had three of them.
We split up, and although I have many things I wish had been different, he found himself in love with being a dad. Our children are now grown, and he has been an active and loving influence in their life for over two decades, and doesn't know what he'd do without them.
As you said, there aren't any easy answers, but I hope you and your wife will find a happy answer because it sounds like your love for each other is genuine and enduring. It sucks to think that it could be destroyed over something like this. This may be a time you both must decide to look at what's best for the relationship instead of what's best for the individuals in it.
I think us guys sometime overlook how really important it is for woman to have children. As we are past that age now I can see that her not being able to have children was one of the most painful things she had to face as she aged. While watching our friends and families kids be the biggest parts of their lives.
Hindsight is 20 20.
This is true. At the same time he has to reconcile with himself if it's what he wants. Unfortunately, he may not want kids now but could change his mind 10 years from now. One of those things, I guess.
Thank you that is great advice from both of you. I'm glad you guys confirmed that the ball is in her court here because sometimes I feel so guilty I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. The thing is she just WILL NOT make up her mind, she has been going back and forth on this decision for months. She's said she will probably be okay not having kids and then flips back to talking about how she wants to start a family every other week but she has given no indications that she is serious about leaving.
You did do something wrong.
You let her marry you with the idea that you would "someday"
She filled in the blanks and took you at your word.
The ball "is" in her court now.
But, if I were you, I wouldn't feel much relief as a result.
OP. Marriage is tough. Married with kids is tougher. You need to be true to your own needs and desires. If you are not whole heartedly behind having kids, then don't! If she continues to vacillate, let her find her happiness with someone else. Don't accept resentment and guilt for making an honest decision. This is not a negotiate kind of thing and do not accept the idea you have done anything "wrong". Given what you have written, I think you need to move on if the on again off again issue persists.
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Re: Am I in for a lifetime of resentment? 
