General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Banshee as a woman who has found it very difficult to express in the past, my need for a relationship in which I am dominated, I can tell you I believe even though your wife may say she is not interested, as the other posters mentioned she definitely is.
I would recommend you go to the site Taken In Hand, this may help you lovingly take control of the relationship. Also stop asking and take action, women love a thoughtful man who takes control on his own.
Reading is not the first step toward cheating. By asking her to contain her interests and thoughts so that they don't make you uncomfortable, you are putting her in a cage. This is a terrible, terrible thing to do. She will hide more of herself from you and her spirit will shrivel and one day, she will really and truly hate you and you will probably deserve it for having done this to her. Don't go down that road.
Please stop for a minute and think about what you're saying. You're trying to control what turns her on and makes her happy and what interests her, just to make sure she doesn't cheat on you. You're asking her to stop reading a novel just because it makes you uncomfortable. You're forgetting that she is not a tool or a piece of furniture or decoration or toy for you to manipulate as you wish and though you don't see that is what you're doing, that's how it looks to me. She is a person with a mind and heart and interests of her own. She made a commitment to be loyal, faithful, and supportive of you, not a commitment to become a half a person just because you don't like the other aspects of her.
What you're asking of her is impossibly cruel.
Let her read what she wants and what interests her. You're not her father and she isn't a child. Be a husband and a partner and be supportive of who she is, not what you would like her to be. Take an interest in what interests her, just to understand her a little better. You have a better chance at safeguarding your marriage from cheating if you invest your energy in making a good partnership rather than trying to keep her static and closed and caged off just for the sake of your insecurity.
If she were actively pursuing people to enact these fantasies, then you'd have a problem. However, if you have no real reason to accuse her of cheating or worrying about it, then your marriage problems are more likely coming from a power dynamic that sounds like it is not entirely balanced.
You're over-reacting to some paranoid thoughts in a pretty major way. People also like "The Hunger Games" and it doesn't mean they will go out killing everyone. People also liked "Harry Potter" but that didn't make everyone who read the book turn to witchcraft. People liked "Twilight", too, but I doubt most of them playacted as vampires in real life. There's a huge difference between imagination and action. Maybe she just likes the romance in it or the story. Maybe you should invest your energy in courting her and giving her romance in real life instead of trying to control what turns her on.
I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I find myself deeply troubled by your attitude toward your wife's mind.
Moxy.. I don't think he is trying to control her in any way, shape, or form. I also don't think he had asked her to stop reading the book.. i think maybe it was.. she picked up that he was uncomfortable, stated she would stop reading if it made him uncomfortable, he may have said yes or ok, then she probably found it to good to put down so she kept reading regardless. I think he is just trying to UNDERSTAND his wife.. not control her. At least I'm not seeing the.. "I want to control my wife" attitude in his posts... I may be missing something you picked up on I guess?
moxy, I also didn't pick up that Banshee was showing a controlling manner. Edit: she offered to stop reading it because it caused him to feel uncomfortable - he hadn't demanded that she stop.
I get where Banshee seemed a little paranoid - a man can get to feeling that way when his wife changes and is sending misunderstood signals - but I still don't see the overarching "cage" dynamic going on. What do you see in his posts that leads to this train of thought?
She may seriously want him to be controlling. it turns me on no end, I also love being told what I can read and what I can't. However if a man tries to be dominant but gives in easily, that's not sexy.
If the books make you inconfortable you need to let her know you won't stand for her to be reading them, delete the book, and give her a thorough spanking. Tell her that you would love to indulge in her fantasies together, and make it all about the two of you. Give her a lot of attention. Take charge ASAP. Posted via Mobile Device
Banshee as a woman who has found it very difficult to express in the past, my need for a relationship in which I am dominated, I can tell you I believe even though your wife may say she is not interested, as the other posters mentioned she definitely is.
I would recommend you go to the site Taken In Hand, this may help you lovingly take control of the relationship. Also stop asking and take action, women love a thoughtful man who takes control on his own.
Good luck. Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks. I think this is the solution I need. Stay tuned for updates.
it's how she talks to me (or lack thereof) that has me worried.
It's this weird behavior that has my head spinning right now....
THIS is your real problem.
You guys are not communicating about something that matters. You sense it. She can't express it. Maybe you guys don't even know what "it" is. Something, however, is not connecting. Maybe she doesn't feel safe opening up to you. Do you put her on a pedestal too much? Are you critical of her faults? Does she have any self-esteem issues? Is she able to talk to you about problems at all? The think you want to work on is ow to improve your overall emotional intimacy, which will hopefully be reinforced by better sexual intimacy, too.
Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs" or "The Five Love Languages"? I suggest that since she is fond of reading and you're worrying about the communication issue, you guys read both of those books together and discuss them! You need to have some place from which to start dealing with this lack of communication, some common language with which to start dealing with it.
Additionally, have you tried simply telling her what's bugging you? LIke saying: "I feel like something is missing between us, like I'm trying to connect with you but can't quite reach you, like you're guarded. This is bothering me because I want to feel connected to you. Is there something going on between us that leaves you unfulfilled? Is there some way we can try to connect more intensely?"...or whatever? Maybe she doesn't even understand that this is a problem you're experiencing...
This is not about a book. This is about connection!
Maybe she's interested but a bit scared? I would be because I don't trust my husband would be genuine about such efforts if he made them. I need to feel he wants it rather than just that he's trying to make me happy by being something he thinks I want.
This could be it. Like SabrinaBlue said, a lot of this is about trust. Women who have these types of fantasies can feel very vulnerable about them to the point of the-lady-doth-protest-too-much in their efforts to hide them. This can be due to fear of rejection or because they feel like the fantasies are dirty or will be perceived as silly.
Taking control in the bedroom in an assertive way rather than asking may help because then she can pretend it's your choice, not hers. It's much easier to get over inhibitions when you can slip into a submissive mindset of, "It's out of my hands. I'm just doing what I'm told." That's what freedom in chains means...if someone else is in control and all you have to do is give in, you're free to enjoy the act without overthinking so much.
Taken In Hand is a good site for HOH relationships, but I'd caution against assuming that your wife is looking for a dominant outside of the bedroom at this point. Plenty of women enjoy bedroom dominance. That doesn't mean they want to be submissive in everyday life to their partners. Tons of women love the sex scenes in 50 Shades of Grey but wouldn't dream of submitting outside the bedroom. And many of the ones who think they'd like to submit outside the bedroom realize later that they were wrong and it's something best left confined to sex for them.
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Re: Fifty Shades of Resentment... 
it turns me on no end, I also love being told what I can read and what I can't. However if a man tries to be dominant but gives in easily, that's not sexy.
