General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My wife and I have only been married a few years. Our marriage has been a roller coaster ride from the beginning, however getting right to the point...
A few weeks ago, a friend of hers gave her the "Shades of Grey" trilogy. She gobbled up the first book very quickly (about a week) and seemed to be using every free minute she had in a day reading the book. She was very secretive about it, and wanted to avoid any discussions on the book with me. Over the past few weeks, I've been seeing many articles on this book, so I finally started researching it just to see what it is about. In a nutshell, it's 300+ pages of erotic porn.. ..specifically BDSM. Nationwide, it's known as "mommy porn" and "romance novels on steroids". I asked her if she's interested in this stuff, and she responds "no". And then tells me that she just wants to see the girl win over the guy... I asked her I'd there was something in our marriage that is missing, and she says no. I try so hard for our marriage, and my gut tells me she's lying. She tells me that this book doesn't get her the least bit excited, but from everything I've read it looks like the majority of women are really turned on by it...
She told me that since I was uncomfortable with the book, she would stop reading it. That was over a week ago and it's still on her e-reader. I asked her about it today, and she got really defensive and told me she wanted to read more of these books.
Although most of you will probably say that I'm overreacting, I am concerned. Mostly because it's hard for me to believe her claim that some this graphic doesn't "affect her". And then her insistence on reading more of this stuff... I asked her several times how she'd feel I'd I did that to her - spending every free moment with that. I've read that many husbands have suggested that their sex life has benefited from their wives reading these books. I can tell you that she doesn't seem any more interested in me after reading the first one.
Am I blowing this out of proportion? She's very preoccupied with her reading, and I feel that this is just the first step to cheating...
It could just be something for her to fantasize about.. but she may be to shy/nervous/insecure to do anything that's IN the book. She may think you might look down on her or lose respect or something if she admits to like or wanting to try any of this stuff. I don't know about it leading to cheating... and I myself haven't read it yet lol. Maybe you two need to communicate more? Do you know eachothers love language? Is she doing anything that makes you suspect she's cheating?
I think that the lack of communication is what's making me nervous. I've asked her if she's interested with anything in the book, or I'd there are things that we can try to spice things up. She always responds with "no, things are fine". There are other things that she's been doing that also make me concerned. She dresses very provocatively lately. And I'm not talking just a little cleavage either. She barely has to bend forward at all and she's all but falling out. It is not unusual to be at a restaurant and the waiter is looking down her top, and a few times her nipple was actually showing. When I tell her this, she just shrugs it off. She hasn't don't anything specifically to make me think she is cheating, but she seems to like a LOT of attention on her beasts and this book thing lately is really getting me wondering. I've shares all of this with her, and she shrugs it all off.
Right now, my gut is telling me something is awry, but I don't have any solid proof...
Honey, maybe she's trying to get YOUR attention? And trust me, nothing is more of a turnoff than the man that you're hoping to attract asking you, "what are you up to?"
Don't ask. Do. Take her.
If that doesn't work, then yeah, there might be a problem. What I'm seeing is a wife who doesn't know how to communicate her sexual needs.
Hmm Have you tried acting a tad dominate with her when you two get home? Perhaps she is dressing this way in hopes YOU will do something like... say... pin her against a wall, kiss her, grope her, ect... That's ONE possibility.... Does she seem to be paying attention to anyone else when she dresses like this or does she make it a point to do so around you?
Honey, maybe she's trying to get YOUR attention? And trust me, nothing is more of a turnoff than the man that you're hoping to attract asking you, "what are you up to?"
Don't ask. Do. Take her.
If that doesn't work, then yeah, there might be a problem. What I'm seeing is a wife who doesn't know how to communicate her sexual needs.
lol Lamaga.. I'm gonna say.. JINX you owe me a soda!!!
Honey, maybe she's trying to get YOUR attention? And trust me, nothing is more of a turnoff than the man that you're hoping to attract asking you, "what are you up to?"
Don't ask. Do. Take her.
If that doesn't work, then yeah, there might be a problem. What I'm seeing is a wife who doesn't know how to communicate her sexual needs.
Yep, I agree 100%.
Husband taking me= good.
Husband being whiney about book, (even if it is a really stupid book)=bad.
I suggest you read the book, see if there's anything that perks your interest.
Though I will caution the books are pretty stupid & not what I would recommend as an intro into the BDSM lifestyle.
The Anne Rice "Beauty" books are actually more interesting & don't make you feel like you're losing brain cells while reading.
I've asked her if she's interested with anything in the book, or I'd there are things that we can try to spice things up. She always responds with "no, things are fine". ... She barely has to bend forward at all and she's all but falling out. It is not unusual to be at a restaurant and the waiter is looking down her top, and a few times her nipple was actually showing. When I tell her this, she just shrugs it off.
Your gut is right. This no-things-are-fine response rates right up there with the tight-lipped, "NOTHING IS WRONG," when a spouse realizes their partner is behaving in a passive/aggressive - hostile manner, and this is the answer they get to the question, "What's the matter?"
Does your wife have a history of being somewhat shy or prudish about sex? Is she hesitant to ask for what she wants and needs in order to feel fulfilled?
Just a hunch, but maybe she is merely acting out in response to the book. Or ... do you have any reason whatsoever to suspect she is having an EA or PA?
I've been quite dominant in the bedroom, thinking that she may secretly want this. Quite frankly, I'd be very excited if she wanted to try some of those things. I guess that is exactly the point. She doesn't (at least not with me). I've given her many chances to tell me what she'd like to try, and in several cases have even initiated something a little different in hope that this may spark something in her. I'm really having trouble reading this one...
Banshee, what I'm reading is that she feels you will judge her for wanting to try some of what's in the book. A lot of women (and men) would like to try some light bondage or sensation play, but feel that their partners may be too conservative to try it. Since you said that you feel her erotica reading is a "first step to cheating," I can understand why she's hesitant to communicate her desires to you.
She's also been wearing more low-cut outfits in public? Acting like it's no big deal? She's doing it to get your attention! You're not being dominant enough sexually for her; she's signalling that she wants you to up your game.
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Fifty Shades of Resentment... 
