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What do you do when your spouse has ZERO common sense?
I'm just wondering how many others are out there in a similar marriage. My wife graduated from college but can't decide what pot to use to boil water. She does the most senseless things and it just drives me crazy. I bought an auto part for my truck once. Then I couldn't find it when I was ready to put it on. I searched for hours (and she even offered to help me!). I finally gave up and bought another one. Several months later I found it on the shelf in our laundry room!!! She had "cleaned up" one day and put it in the laundry room of all places. This is just one of hundreds of examples.
She can't change the bag on our vacuum cleaner that we've had for 15 years. Seriously. And I've shown here more than once and it's just beyond her abilities or something. I've come home and she says "I tried and tried to get that thing in there and can't." 15 years we've had this thing.
She can't rent or return a movie at a Redbox kiosk. No kidding. I asked her to return a move once and she brought it back home because she couldn't put it in the slot the right way. Now she just gets our 13 year old to operate it for her.
She can't clean a single room, can't cook, has no hobbies, no interests. Food sits in our refrigerator until it rots because she never thinks to clean it out. She can't make decisions about anything.
Oh, and she hasn't worked in 14 years. So she's home all day. We have two kids. She takes them to school and picks them up, does a little laundry, and that's it.
Re: What do you do when your spouse has ZERO common sense?
OMG I can't even imagine. Those kiosks have instructions on how to operate them... the cooking thing...wow. I mean, I'm not the world's greatest cook, but I know enough to get by. "Cooking For Dummies" book? Well, that would probably just be called a cookbook, huh? I have no idea what I'd do in that case. However, I can understand the vacuum thing. Before we got a bag less one, I had a helluva time figuring that stupid thing out. So the vacuum... cut a bit of slack there lol. But the rest. DAMN! She's home all day?!?! And can't figure out how to do those things? Odd, for sure. Hmmm get her into a cooking class? IDK man... I just can't imagine....
Re: What do you do when your spouse has ZERO common sense?
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeachGuy
She can't clean a single room, can't cook, has no hobbies, no interests. Food sits in our refrigerator until it rots because she never thinks to clean it out. She can't make decisions about anything.
Since you have been changing the vacuum cleaner bag for her all these years, I assume she uses it to do a bit of cleaning, like vacuuming the rugs.
Does she watch t.v. during the day? If so, then she has an interest in something. From what you are saying, I assume she never watches cooking shows ...
I also assume you do all the cooking. Guess that leaves you with the responsibility to toss the food that goes bad, although I'm wondering why food is spoiling. If you make enough for a family meal, and freeze any leftovers, that would probably leave only the milk to sour.
You work all day, so you can't handle everything in the home. But it sounds like you do, for the most part.
You've let this go on for a long time. There is a difference between not being mechanically-inclined; such as putting in vacuum cleaner bags (found them a bit challenging myself ...), and playing at being stupid.
Your wife? I think a lot of this "helplessness" is a good act. Why? Because I assume she eats food during the day. I assume she runs the vacuum cleaner. You said she does some laundry, so she can operate a washer and dryer. She can drive a car.
With that said, she CAN learn to toss some vegetables and a roast in a crock pot, turn it on, and have a meal ready for the family in the evening. She can learn that when food gets moldy and emits a funky smell, it is time to toss it. The refrigerator is for storing food; a trash can or garbage disposal is used for getting rid of spoiled food.
I can only deduct that your wife is severely depressed, and it manifests itself with a lack of interest in life. You make no mention of her having friends, so I assume she doesn't socialize at all. If she is not depressed, she is beyond lazy.
Was she like this from the start? Why are you staying with someone who has no interest in anything? Guess she doesn't have much to say about anything either, since nothing interests her.
Re: What do you do when your spouse has ZERO common sense?
Common sense isn't universal sense. I have weird little quirks of things that I could probably easily do but for some reason their is a mental block. My ex had all kinds of silly little mental blocks, that there were common sense solutions to.
You've had a decade and a half to learn to cope. What is more important than the things she has shown she won't do, is identifying all the things she does do well.
Re: What do you do when your spouse has ZERO common sense?
Learned helplessness was my first thought too. I'm acquainted with a few of these type princesses. They stay at home but do nothing. They hire housekeepers, eat out, put their kids in daycare, while they play on FB, shop or go out with friends.
In your case you've allowed it to go on for 15 years so there is no motivation to change. Her life is just fine for her. She has a crew to do things for her and even if she is depressed that's not an excuse to not try to seek help.
Re: What do you do when your spouse has ZERO common sense?
Ele & Mavash are right. You have enabled a lot of this so there is no reason for her to learn/change.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mavash.
Learned helplessness was my first thought too. I'm acquainted with a few of these type princesses. They stay at home but do nothing. They hire housekeepers, eat out, put their kids in daycare, while they play on FB, shop or go out with friends.
In your case you've allowed it to go on for 15 years so there is no motivation to change. Her life is just fine for her. She has a crew to do things for her and even if she is depressed that's not an excuse to not try to seek help.
Re: What do you do when your spouse has ZERO common sense?
Lemme see if I can answer all the questions….
Our vacuum cleaner is not complicated. It’s really simple. The problem she has is she doesn’t tuck the bottom of the paper bag in so when she goes to put the cover back on, it’s in the way. I’ve told her this repeatedly and she still can’t do it.
Is she lazy? By my standards, yes. We were raised differently though. She had to do very little growing up and I had to do a lot to help out. I think she doesn’t have the mental skills to do what a normal SAHM would do around the house. She can only do one single thing at a time and has tunnel vision. Sees nothing else. There could be a pink elephant in the living room tomorrow and she’d dust right around it and say nothing.
She’s always been of the mindset of if she can’t do something or doesn’t know how, then oh well, that’s just the way it is and she’ll never know how. She never tries to learn nor does she even want to.
Why am I staying with someone who has no interest in anything? I don’t want to but it’s a very tough decision. We have two middle-school aged children who are my world. One of those “too good to leave too bad to stay” things. But we have no relationship. We’re just roommates. We barely speak to each other.
“About the auto part... why did you leave it laying around so she could put it on a laundry room shelf?” I seriously hope you were being funny when you said this.
I’ve allowed it to go on for 15 years…not exactly. But ya know, if she can’t change the vacuum cleaner bag and I don’t want to come home to a filth-covered floor, then yes, I have to change it for her. She is somewhat of a princess. She thinks this is her lot in life. To be a stay at home mom and dilly dally around the house and chat with her friends. She does not spend money and shop and all that. She just takes all day to do what should take 20 minutes to do.
The best way to describe her is she goes through adult life with the abilities of a 12 year old.
Re: What do you do when your spouse has ZERO common sense?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lon
What's a "redbox machine"?
Kiosk for movie rentals. Basically, you go to it, pick a movie that's in the box and pay there. They are located in Walmart around here... might be more stores as well.
I've seen your earlier posts. I'm sure you are beyond aggravated with her, and it sounds like she has no desire to change.
I know you want to be with your kids, but at the expense of your own happiness? Maybe the only way your wife is ever going to try is to be on her own and have to get a job, etc. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: What do you do when your spouse has ZERO common sense?
You might want to take her to a neuropsych for an evaluation. If she has changed significantly since she went to college and from when you were dating and first married (as I would suspect by your current frustration), this change of ability could be an indication of something more sinister than just cluelessness.
I struggle sometimes with obvious stuff sometimes, but I have had a brain injury (oxygen deprivation), am aware of my limitations, and compensate for them. For instance, after vacuuming if the bag was getting full and I knew I'd have trouble next time, I'd do something like leave the vacuum right by the front door, even blocking it, so that when you got home, I would be sure to remind you to help me change the bag. Or if library books are due, I leave them on the floor in the front hallway. I also make lists or write down important stuff I need to do, or send myself emails. I give myself a break on the little stuff, like going into the kitchen with a dirty coffee cup and a piece of trash to put in the bin, and coming back out with the coffee cup. (Brain probably wants to believe there is still coffee in there, does not distinguish the difference between holding empty coffee cup and full coffee cup...) or if I check the mail twice in one day, that doesn't stop me from doing those tasks altogether. But someone who was not as forgiving of themselves, might give up rather than be faced with the hard cold irritating frustrating and embarassing symptoms of a cognitive decline. For me, it doesn't bother me much that I sometimes can't remember the name of the town I live in, what grade my kids are in, or why I am finding myself driving in the direction of the next town over but not sure why...I can soon go through all the scenarios and settle on the correct one, and then am happy to know that I am on time for it. I've become a lot more relaxed about stuff. It's amazing how much of your cognitive power you can go without and still have a good life. However, it does sound like your wife's issues are causing severe problems, where she does not do much of anything.
DEFINITELY take her to a neuropsych and explain what is going on with specific examples. Probably she will have an MRI and some testing. It ususally takes a couple days to be assessed, it is not a trivial process.
What you describe sounds serious. But try to step back far away from your frustration and REALLY look at what's going on, as it is not normal at all and rather than being peeved or upset, you perhaps should be scared and concerned.
I have trouble learning new stuff, depending what it is. If I'd math based I get nauseous, there is definitely a huge physical and thus mental resistance to getting the hang of something new, but I make an effort. For motor/muscle memory and language/music it's actually easier for me. Stuff like ballroom dance, foreign language, even backing a trailer into a campsite, or kayaking or rock climbing. But the key to that is I go by feel, I turn off my thinking because it gets in the way. I've had to learn to adapt. With stuff that involves something new, I often have trouble getting started, mostly because I don't want to experience how difficult it is. So I break it down into smaller tasks and only do a bit at a time, or I ask for help, or in dire circumstances, I subcontract.
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What do you do when your spouse has ZERO common sense? 
