General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
At what point does sparing a partner's feelings become lying? If I am served a really bad meal by W and I eat it and then my W says 'how was that?' is it fair that I should answer 'delicious'?
Likewise if I really need sex but my W becomes a block of ice towards me and shows no interest in even allowing me to kiss her and I move away is it fair that I should say 'I'm fine' if asked am I OK when I am truthfully seething inside?
I know it is said the truth will set you free but whoever coined that phrase must have never been with a difficult woman!
Yes, dinner is always "delicious" if your partner makes it and serves it to you.
No, you should never lie that you are "fine" when you are absolutely not fine. Be honest, even if your spouse is hurt by the truth. You don't have to say it in a hurtful way - "I'm not fine; I'm hurt (or upset or angry or disappointed or whatever you feel) that you don't want me to kiss you."
I am a firm believer in truth but not to the extent of being a moron. Everything my wife cooks is delicious. Nothing in my wife's closet makes her butt look big. No matter where we go, I will never find another woman more attractive than my wife. Regarding the no-sex transaction in bed, a truthful response would be "I'm not ok, I'm pissed". While truthful, that response is unlikely to get you laid or allowed to sleep. If your goal is to stay up all night discussing a matter you can't win or to take your frustrated self to the couch, by all means, break out the truth. On the other hand, a little white lie, "I'm fine" will at least get you some sleep. The discussion you should have with your wife will probably be more productive if it took place when you weren't angry.
It may be difficult but AS a woman.. I would rather my man tell me if the meal was crappy and if he wasn't fine... vs lieing about it. Yes that is lying imo and if my man were to keep that up he would eventually build resentment because that would result in his feelings being ignored.
I am not the world's greatest cook... but what I lack in the culinary world, I make up for with my charisma! haha... anyway, I appreciate his honest, constructive criticism. I want to learn to cook delicious meals (Which I have actually accomplished. Where's my medal for that?) so when he gives his feedback on the meal if it's not great then I appreciate that. It doesn't mean it needs to be nasty. It can be supportive and constructive. And he does usually still eat what I've made (okay except those times I added way too much salt and/or soy sauce and we thought it best to find something else to eat).
I personally value knowing what he really thinks. Doesn't mean he has to be insensitive about it though.
And I don't think it's helpful to the relationship to say "It's fine" when it's not. But again, it doesn't mean it has to come from a place that's unsupportive to the relationship. You can still approach it and be on the same page as one another.
It may be difficult but AS a woman.. I would rather my man tell me if the meal was crappy and if he wasn't fine... vs lieing about it. Yes that is lying imo and if my man were to keep that up he would eventually build resentment because that would result in his feelings being ignored.
And having to get served that bad meal another time, since he said he liked it..LOL
See, now I disagree...sort of. Well, regarding the dinner lol. I actually expect honesty regarding meals. Of course, I have been trying new recipes lately, so I want honest opinions so I know whether to make it again or not. I mean, if it isn't a dish you would want again, SAY so. Why make something you THINK they like, when inside, they are holding back the urge to vomit? Yes, I'm aware that's extreme lol. But you get my point. And, if something's burned, he tells me "honey, I think it got a bit scorched" lol. But we're weird anyway.
Now, the "I'm fine" grates on my nerves. If you're not feeling well, SAY SO. Even if you are repeating yourself. Just say it.
I'm not one for "lie of omission to spare the feelings"... not anymore. Too much trouble can be caused by such things. Once one "little lie" is told, it gets much easier to tell bigger ones.
No matter what I said to my W earlier today she took offence to it. If I made a little joke she took it seriously. So I did understand from that mood I needed to be careful. I might try to bring it up tomorrow but it all depends on her mood swings. And no she is not having her periods.
At what point does sparing a partner's feelings become lying? If I am served a really bad meal by W and I eat it and then my W says 'how was that?' is it fair that I should answer 'delicious'?
Likewise if I really need sex but my W becomes a block of ice towards me and shows no interest in even allowing me to kiss her and I move away is it fair that I should say 'I'm fine' if asked am I OK when I am truthfully seething inside?
I know it is said the truth will set you free but whoever coined that phrase must have never been with a difficult woman!
An observation: don't build resentment towards your wife by feeling you are sparing her feelings.
Most of my married life I haven't been open to critism. As a result my husband chose his words carefully and tried to not say anything that would hurt my feelings. This is no way to live though so now I've told my husband that I'd rather him tell me the truth 'nicely' than to spare my feelings.
I need to know if a dish sucks so I can take it out of my rotation. I need to know if he's angry with me so I can fix it.
If I'm 'moody' I tell my husband to be gentle with me which means on that day it's really not a good time to tell me he's angry with me. KWIM?
If I make something he doesn't like, I want him to tell me. It could be "Honey, I appreciate the thought, but I'd rather not have it again" or it could be "Wow, this really SUCKS!" and I'd be fine with either way. There have been times I've made things that had me dry heaving, if me or my guy don't like it, I won't make it again.
I am of the opinion that there shouldn't be ANY lies in a marriage. White lies or other. Lies of any kind come in between your connection with your spouse. I don't feel that it is worth it. If you work on it you should be able to say those things that you don't like without your spouse getting upset. None of us are perfect and in my marriage we don't pretend to be.
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Sparing a Spouse's feelings V Lying 
