 My novel. Sorry so long!
Hi everyone. I used to post here several years ago, but I forgot my username and password so I’m starting over. I don’t think I’m really looking for any advice in this post, just saying hello and giving some history on myself and my marriage.
I am 40 and had a totally screwed up childhood. I threw that in there because I know people will ask. I was sexually abused for many years by my step father. My mother is passive-aggressive at best and narcissistic at worst. She’s on her 6th or 7th marriage. I’ve honestly lost count. I love her anyway, have learned to set boundaries with her, and she has turned out to be a great grandma. I am an only child.
I had a bad experience in counseling as a teenager. Thinking back, I think the counselor was just really bad. She told my mother in front of me that I would be a welfare mom at best and a drug addicted prostitute at worst. Now mind you, other than the abuse I had suffered I was basically a good, quiet kid. Maybe that was good in a way. It angered me and I’ve always been an overachiever at work. I have a successful career and have never been on welfare.
I had a relationship in my teenage years where I was physically abused badly. I had a child as a result of that relationship and ended it when I was 17. I almost immediately met my first husband after that relationship ended. We were together for 10 years and married for 6 of those years. He’s very likable but is a pathological liar and cheated nearly the entire time we were together. I was naive and did not know for many years. The first time I caught him, I forgave him. We worked on our marriage, and I again thought all was well.
A couple years later, I caught him again with one of the same girls. I ended things. He flipped out, became violent, and pretty much disappeared for a while with the OW. He married her the day after our divorce was final. When he came back into the kid’s lives, I sucked it up and dealt with OW because he was scary. We had my son and two other children.
He and OW were married up until about 2 years ago. He left her for one of the girls he was cheating on her with. I know there were many as I heard from mutual friends. Anyways, the new woman is PSYCHO. The kids are devil spawn and she wants nothing to do with them. Needless to say, the kids have not been speaking to him for quite a while. Funny I still communicate with OW and she maintains a relationship with the kids.
Husband #2 came along about a year after my first marriage broke up. I had known him for a while through work. He appeared to be a nice, divorced family man with children of his own. His wife had cheated on him many times. He had a spotless record at work, and everyone thought of him as being a nearly perfect guy. I did not spend enough time getting to know him. We were pregnant and getting married within a year. Almost immediately after the wedding he went from being a functioning alcoholic to it being out of control. It lasted about 2 years before I ended it.
About two weeks after he left, I learned I was pregnant again. He’d had a vasectomy but apparently did not do the check-ups like he was supposed to. So I was alone with 4 children, pregnant and jobless. Scared shytless! The ongoing saga with him is a whole other novel.
Anyways, I’m not an overly religious person but God really does always take care of me. I immediately landed into a good paying temporary job that lasted up until a week before the baby was born and was able to collect unemployment for a few months after that. I landed another great job before the unemployment ran out. Life was busy but good.
Husband #3 is someone I would have never thought of as marriage material. He is 14 years older than I am and had been single for many many years. He has a grown son that he had primary custody of and raised himself. I knew him because we lived in the same area, and we were somewhat friends but nothing more.
We started just hanging out as friends towards the end of my pregnancy. By the time the baby was a few months old we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He wanted to get married. I kept saying no that we could be boyfriend and girlfriend forever, but I like having my own house and did not want to bring any more men into the kid’s lives. I knew that no matter how great things seemed it could change. I vowed not to remarry until my children were grown. He was ok with that. We were both independent and self sufficient. We didn't need each other but we really enjoyed eachother.
After a couple of years something completely unexpected and unpreventable happened leaving myself and my children homeless. We moved in with him “temporarily” until I could get things sorted out. Well temporarily turned into permanent, the kids were happy, and we were married in 2006.
For the first few years things were really great. The only issue we had was that I am very high drive and he was more medium to low drive. We made it work but I always felt neglected sexually. Due to an injury, he was forced to retire early about three years ago. Looking back I think he was going through some depression and feelings of worthlessness. He basically sat around, did nothing, and watched me be overwhelmed. It angered me beyond belief.
It became very evident during that time that we didn’t communicate well when things were not good. During this time he was very passive aggressive and bytchy. I complained in all the wrong ways about having to do everything both financially and for the household. He bytched about the kids. I get very defensive and momma bearish about my kids especially when I feel the complaints are unjustified. He had never complained about them before. Needless to say his medium to low drive went to no drive. We became people living in the same house that couldn’t stand to be around each other and never had sex. I was dying.
Also during this time, my job became unbearable. Those lucky enough to have a good job during this “recession” have been expected to do more and more for less and less. I was ordered to work overtime constantly, made to feel guilty for taking time off for any reason, and was completely stressed out. I couldn’t do it all. I was ready to quit and get a minimum wage job or have no job finances be damned.
One thing my husband has always wanted was to move out of state. I didn’t think I could do it with custody issues with two ex-husbands so never really gave it much thought. One day I said ok husband, if we can move here (while pointing at the map) I’ll go. I started looking at the employment websites for the area. Within 6 weeks I had a job and we were moving… Holy crap!!!!
Prior to us leaving I had started pushing back. Because of this, he had taken some training to find a new job but had not found one yet. When I was offered my new job I told him he was only invited if he made an effort and if things changed. He vowed that things would change and we moved. It is sooooooooo awesome here, and I lllloooovvvveeeee my job!!!! I am me again and my children are so much happier.
The kids and I left several weeks prior to hubby. I had to be here to start work, and a lot had to be done to the house prior to it being rentable. Funny what ignoring “man” work for several years will do. He stayed behind for a few weeks to do that. When he came up here he put in a good effort at looking for a job for a couple weeks before falling back into the old patterns. After a couple months of him being back to his old ways I flipped out and not gracefully.
For two or three months we argued and fought like we never had before and both said a lot of ugly things. Finally one night we actually managed to communicate. I think my telling him I was done made him open up and stop being as defensive. Within a week, he had a job but out of state. He could not find anything here without a year experience so he decided he needed to do whatever he needed to do to get that experience. I didn’t try to stop him. I needed a break. Even though we had communicated, nothing but promises were made. I didn't feel like anything had really been resolved at that point. He snapped out of his depression and became excited about being able to financially provide all the things we need to accomplish and do well in our new home. He did not pitch in and help with anything and continued to be lazy.
He’s been gone for about a month now. I miss my best friend, but he’s been gone for a lot of years. Things are peaceful. I thought I was done when he left, but now I’m not sure. He is distant but acting almost as if he's just waiting for me to get over it. Hard to explain. I don’t want to put my kids through another divorce. My hope is that he becomes his old self again and we can forgive and rebuild what we used to have. He’s going to be gone most of the time for the next year. I would really like to take this time to learn to let go of the resentment, re-balance the responsibility in our relationship, and become close again. I know this will be hard long distance, but I don't want him back full time right now.
We’ve both done a lot of damage to one another. I know how he’s made me used, taken advantage of, and unloved. I know his circumstances and my complaining while he was depressed have severely damaged his pride. He is a very proud man. I know feeling that he’s failed me has been very hard for him. The only complaint he expressed about me is that I've been controlling for the last few years. That's probably true. I don't know how to do and be responsible for everything without being controlling though....
So here I am. I want to learn how to fix it. I want adult minds to bounce ideas off of and get constructive, nonbiased feedback. I want fresh ideas. He is a very proud man. He is also set in his ways and not likely to change much in his communication style, etc. He likes to bury his head in the sand and pretend everything is ok. I want to learn to work around that and fix it despite him. I really do love him. Can that be done?
Thanks to anyone who hung in there to read all this! I look forward to getting to know everyone!
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