General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am frustrated, i get so heated during an arguement that i cant stand to even be around my husband let alone sleep in the same bed. I have been making him sleep on the couch because i dont want anything to do with him right now. People say that bonding in the bed is very important. I can really use some tips on how to calm down and discuss the arguement instead of letting it ruin me.
People who argue frequently usually have a pattern...do you see a pattern in your fights? Maybe there is something about the pattern that you can change before it becomes a big argument.
What kinds of things are you fighting about? Are these petty irritations, disagreements, disappointments, hurts, deep resentments, something else?
I withdraw when I'm angry, but I remind myself that I'm angry at another person's actions, and that despite what they did, I love the person. You're rejecting the person, which can hurt a relationship. Would you be able to share a bed if you reminded yourself that the person you care about is the one beside you, and that the anger will still be there later to deal with, but for the next little while, until you're both asleep, you can lie silently in the same room?
Kathy has it right. Being angry doesn't (shouldn't) mean that you don't love him and kicking him out of the bed is hurtful. Even if you feel he's been hurtful to you when the day is over you should be in the same bed. FWIW I'm surprised he sleeps on the couch, were it me I'd be in the bed and leave it to you to sleep on the couch.
Kathy has it right. Being angry doesn't (shouldn't) mean that you don't love him and kicking him out of the bed is hurtful. Even if you feel he's been hurtful to you when the day is over you should be in the same bed. FWIW I'm surprised he sleeps on the couch, were it me I'd be in the bed and leave it to you to sleep on the couch.
This. Try flipping it around and being the person who has to sleep on the couch. Kicking him out may be a way to "win" the fight even when you are wrong (and don't tell me that you have never been wrong in all the fights you may have had). If you are the one to leave, it may help you decide to let things go a little more quickly.
I've been sleeping in the spare bedroom for the past three weeks. This has been one of my wife's favorite tactics when we get into an argument... rather than her sleeping in the other room because she doesn't want to sleep with me, I get banished out of the bedroom.
It used to last a day or so and then she'd "allow" me back in until the next time we fought. but this time it was different. I stayed out of the bedroom. When she said "you can sleep in the bedroom tonight", I said "no thanks".
A few days later she asked "are you going to sleep in the other bedroom forever?" and I said "yes".
A few days later she said "I miss you not sleeping in the bedroom. Why don't you come back?" and I told her that I don't plan on being thrown out of the bedroom again.
Granted, sleeping apart is just one of many issues in our marriage but as far as I'm concerned, I look at it as a trial separation before I move out.
I personally think it's very bad to sleep separately. If you are arguing so much where you are telling him to sleep elsewhere, you need marriage counselling.
it will slowly erode your marriage. And it may get to the point that instead of you telling him you don't want him in the bed, he willingly starts sleeping elsewhere because he doesn't want to be near you.
Just saying.
This to me, is a kind of emotional blackmail. You use it as a trump card and you can bet your bottom dollar your marriage is going into a toxic drain fast if you continue doing this.
Ive been the one to sleep on the couhc a few times because he refused to me. If i put the pillows on the couhc and he doesnt sleep there i cant force him to. Really hes not even fighting. This is rare in our house. But i am just expressing that i am sick of certain things and if it doesnt change im going to turn the back room into my bedroom. I am not going to be left alone constantly, be lied to, then be used for his purposes. I feel worthless. I dont feel as if i am winning anything, it just makes me feel better knowing that i dont have to give into him.
Well it seems like there are other issues going on. Communication is key. If you dont talk or resolve your issues, you have a bad marriage. If you already have all these issues and are telling him to sleep somewhere else, that isn't strengthening your marriage--it's destroying it. All you are doing is creating more distance. Distance = bad for a marriage.
Talk & get to the bottom of your problems. Marriage counselling is a very good idea.
I've been sleeping in the spare bedroom for the past three weeks. This has been one of my wife's favorite tactics when we get into an argument... rather than her sleeping in the other room because she doesn't want to sleep with me, I get banished out of the bedroom.
It used to last a day or so and then she'd "allow" me back in until the next time we fought. but this time it was different. I stayed out of the bedroom. When she said "you can sleep in the bedroom tonight", I said "no thanks".
A few days later she asked "are you going to sleep in the other bedroom forever?" and I said "yes".
A few days later she said "I miss you not sleeping in the bedroom. Why don't you come back?" and I told her that I don't plan on being thrown out of the bedroom again.
Granted, sleeping apart is just one of many issues in our marriage but as far as I'm concerned, I look at it as a trial separation before I move out.
I sleep in the spare bedroom a lot lately. My wife and I never reall fight. She is too passive. Make upn sex would never work. I don't get kicked out of the bed... I just go on my own. Before I waited until she went to sleep and I would say that I didn't want to wake her up because I couldn't sleep. Then I wasn't tired and I wanted to read. Now I go to bed early and I don't say anything. She NEVER tells me what she is thinking. She never ask why. Never asks...What gives?
I'm surprised he sleeps on the couch, were it me I'd be in the bed and leave it to you to sleep on the couch.
We have this situation at my house more frequently than I might like to admit. No way I'm sleeping anywhere other than the bed no matter what her problem is. My wife can take her angry feelings and go sleep wherever she wants.
We have this situation at my house more frequently than I might like to admit. No way I'm sleeping anywhere other than the bed no matter what her problem is. My wife can take her angry feelings and go sleep wherever she wants.
Boom. Winning! (a la Charlie Sheen)
I can't imagine how awful one would feel hearing their spouse tell them to sleep somewhere else/on the touch because they can't stand to be near you. That's terrible.
There's a huge difference between sleeping in the same bed when you're angry and having sex with him when you want to gouge his eyeballs. I would never kick my wife out - she would never kick me out (she didn't even kick me out the night of D Day of my EA) - but there are plenty of times we've gone to bed fighting and both would rather have had sex with a porcupine than each other.
It's the difference between an act of omission or commission. Not having sex is an act of omission - you're pissed so he's not getting any - not that big a deal. Throwing him out or vice versa is an act of commission - I'm pissed and now changing the rules of the relationship (where you sleep) until you make me un-pissed. It's an premeditated overt act of hostility.
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Sleeping seperately after fighting! 
That's terrible.
