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H wants to get divorced... I want to work things out. What should I do?
This is my first time posting. I've been married for 8 year together for 14 years. My H has decided that we are no right for each other. A little back story - when we were dating for about 3 years we broke up because he said he didn't love me any more then about 6 months later he call me to try and work thing out. We dated another 3 year until we were married and now have been married for almost 8 year (our anniversary is a few weeks). We were married for about 11 months and found our house which needed a lot of work so we basically knocked it down and rebuilt it. My parents helped us financial since we couldn't afford it. While we were working on the house we tried to get pregnant. We had our first son in Sept 2006 (3 months after our 2nd anniversary). After our son turned 2 we decided to try for a second child. We tried for a year on our own with no luck. My doctor suggested going to a fertility specialist to help us. Well it took us about another year to get pregnant with our second son. I also started to snore when we started to try to get pregnant. So my H couldn't sleep in our bed and we talked about waiting until I had the baby to try to fix the problem. After our second son was born we found out he has Downs syndrome. It was a huge shock and in the beginning was very difficult for me since everyone I talked to kept telling me that I needed to nurse him for atleast a year. Well he is now about a year old and is doing better than I could have ever imagined. He is very typical right now ( which is what all his therapist say). I haven't been the best housewife. After our first son was born I quit my job and started working with my parents so I could make some money and home with my son. Well I've been working for them since 2007. In the beginning I was working full time hours, but now since the birth of our second son I have had to reduce my hours to be there for the baby. Everyone says that he is doing so fantastic because I work with him so much. Since my H told me he wants a Divorce I have been doing a better job at the housework... I've cut my hours at my parent job so I could be home more plus the baby is not as needy since I'm not nursing him as much as in the beginning. I also went to the doctor to figure out what is going on with my snoring and it turns out I have sleep apnia. I'm trying to change some of the behavior that he doesn't like, but my H doesn't trust that I will last. I also have trust issues since this is the second time in my life that he is doing this to me. If we didn't have children (especially one with special needs) it would be easier to get divorce, but I am trying to think of my almost 6 year old and the 1 year old that really needs us. He says that he is unhappy in our house with me and now feel like I have make all the important decisions. He says now that he didn't want to get pregnant with our first when we did... He wanted to wait until after we were done building our house. Well I didn't tie him down and force him... He could have refused to try and get pregnant. At the time I thought he was on board with it. He also tells me that he didn't want to go to the fertility specialist either. Then why did he go and make deposit at their office so I could get pregnant? When we were pregnant with both our boys he was so happy. Now he says he doesn't love me any more... He feels that I have neglected him. And that he would rather be dead then live on our house with me. I really have not done anything on purpose and I thought he was happy. I want to work on our relationship and he wants to end it. He told me the day after my birthday that he wants a divorce... It's been two months now and not sure what he is waiting for? Not sure what to do? Posted via Mobile Device
Re: H wants to get divorced... I want to work things out. What should I do?
it's difficult for you because you have no control over the situation - he's taking that away from you. The same thing happened to me, I was up for working it out, he was adamant that he wanted to leave
it was a very quick decision for me to make - sit around pining for someone who didn't want me any more or accept the decision and get on with my life, and that's what I did. Now two months later I feel nothing for him
I didn't have the issue of two small children to deal with admittedly, but it sounds like he is doing a classic and only focusing on the negative aspects of your relationship in order to make him feel less guilty about what he's doing. I'm sure he hasn't been perfect either but at the moment it's all your fault and that's what he's sticking to
it sounds like he's said some pretty hurtful things - even if you did work things out could you forgive those? I certainly wouldn't want someone who could have the front to say he'd rather be dead than live in the house with me
don't be scared of being on your own - I'd rather be on my own than with a man who didn't want me
Re: H wants to get divorced... I want to work things out. What should I do?
I think it is important that you work to be independent. Try not to rely on H so much.
Maybe yet your parents help if you have to.
My wife snores now and many nights, I sleep in the spare bedroom.THAT is not the reason though.
Many nights I can't sleep and I will go to the other room. That is not the real reason either.
Like your hubby I've lost the loving feeling. We seem more like roomates. I know that I say some hurtfull things to my W. I can't help it. I think of D a lot. I don't want to leave my daughter.
I feel a little neglected but I know my W is trying more than before. She could be doing her best.
I think that you may be your husbands best friend. He may be afraid to lose that. My wife is my best friend... After 20 years, she may be my ONLY friend.
Call his bluff! take the kids and stay with your parents for a week or two (if you can) call it a little vacation or something.
I know when my wife and daughter took a trip for a week to visit family, I really missed them. They need another little trip again so I can see how much I will misss them. Sometimes I forget what my life was like before I met my wife.
When we first met, (like you) we split for a while. I did the dating thing and I had a blast. When she wanted to get back together, I didn't want to stop the dating. I soon realized that I liked her more than anybody else. That was over 15 years ago.
SO...Don't always be there for him. I can easily blame my wife for EVERYTHING... I am perfect of course. Really though, I have more hang-ups than my wife.
If my wife made all the changes that I want... I would invent more issues!!!!!!!!
sorry, I don't think my post made much sense. It's just a lot of mixed up thoughts.
Stay strong and don't allow your Husbands words to hurt you.
Re: H wants to get divorced... I want to work things out. What should I do?
I find it hard to read large paragraphs. But let me share that my wife said to me early in 2011 that she wanted to Divorce. I was shocked. We have been to 2 MC and she seperated from me for 4 months and returned in March of this year.
It has been a long road, but we are still together and she has even recently told me she loves me again. Be patient, learn the 180 to strengthen yourself. See if you can do MC together and find one that you can both agree on.
Re: H wants to get divorced... I want to work things out. What should I do?
Soconfused, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, and feel badly for your husband and children, too.
It sounds like your husband is not a very assertive man. Instead of standing up for what he wants, he does what other people want so that things will be peaceful. This can be a way of being kind, but it can also be deceptive. In this case, his behaviors showed you something that wasn't true, or else he was ok with those things and has now convinced himself that he wasn't. (Sometimes people rewrite history in their minds in order to accept and support something they want now.)
It also sounds like he is right that you neglected your marriage, even if you didn't mean to. Does he believe you did this to be cruel to him, or does he understand that you allowed your son's needs to become more important because you did not have enough awareness of what your husband's needs actually were?
I think that you will need to take responsibility for where you marriage is right now. Apologize sincerely to him and tell him that you'd like for both of you to make your marriage the top priority in your lives now and forever. Let him know that you have recognized that you failed to recognize those times that he thought he was showing you he didn't want something, but that you'd like to learn how to understand better. Also, tell him that when he does object to something, he has to feel able to let you know how he feels clearly, not through hints, so that you can give him the kind of support that he has given you. (I know, he hasn't REALLY given you that support if he was faking it, but trust me that you don't want to point that out now. He believes that he supported you the best way he could, and you did benefit from it, so don't quibble.)
If he said he wants a divorce but hasn't taken action in the two months since he said it, then he's continuing to behave passive-aggressively. It's one more example of how you didn't acknowledge HIS wants if you don't take action. Obviously, it's a catch-22, since you cannot take the action he wants and still be true to yourself. If it were me, here's what I would do:
I would have the discussion with him that I described. If he agreed that he'd want to be in the kind of marriage where the relationship was the #1 priority, then I'd ask him to consider seeing a marriage counselor who could help each of us recognize each other's communication styles. I'd tell him it would help me learn to understand when he's just going along with something to keep the peace, and that I wanted that counseling so I could be a better wife to him.
If he said he did not want the marriage even if I was willing to make the relationship my #1 priority, I would file for divorce immediately. I would not wait around for him to take action, because he's made it clear that he won't take action if he is able to avoid it. If neither of us takes action, it means the relationship will continue to struggle with unhappiness and no progress toward changing the things that led to this. Also, if I take action, I think he'd be more likely to come back and say, "Hey, this isn't what I wanted. I didn't really want to file for divorce. I just wanted things to change," especially when he comes to understand the kind of financial and emotional problems that come with divorce. At that point, I would insist on marriage counseling to ensure those same problems didn't contribute to more unhappiness when we got back together.
Re: H wants to get divorced... I want to work things out. What should I do?
Well my H & I talk about having a separation after Father's Day. I worry about my children, especially the 1 year old since he need so much help.
I hope that the separation will show him that we need to keep our family together.
KathyBatesel, I have said just about all of the thing that you mentioned. I told him I wanted to go to MC and change our relationship because obviously our relationship is not working the way it is. I told him I want to make our marriage my top priority, but I guess he doesn't believe me. I have taken responsibility for the things that I have done to contribute to our problems. I do hope that he is able to see a change in me during the separation. I told him that I never want to in this place again and that we have to start our relationship from the beginning to get to a better place. Maybe he will thinka about it while we are separated. All of our friends are married with families and he wants me to have full custody.
I guess only time will tell. Thank you everyone the advice. Any more advice will be appreciated.
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H wants to get divorced... I want to work things out. What should I do? 
