jove

Hi, I am new here. I really want to know your opinion about

What do you feel if your husband treats you like these:
- When you vomit because of pregnancy sickness, instead of comforting you, he said "Please do not make noise while vomiting, it will disgusts our neighbours if they hear that".
- When you have just delivered baby and are still weak he ask you to visit his parents that about 1 hours from your house. When you arrive at his parents' house, he says that he wants to go to his friend's house next door for a while to give some present but finally without asking your permission he spends the whole night until morning at his friend's house for new year party.
- Without asking your permission he invites his friends to stay at your house and it makes you busy cause he does not help you serving his guests
- When buy some groceries, he helps you picks the groceries but when you are busy in cashier (put the things into your own grocery bags), he just go away waiting outside
- When you walk together with him, he walks faster than you and leave you far behind. When you complain about that he say "You walk to slow, I am in hurry and have many things to do. You know where is our house, I do not think you would get lost".
- When you and he have dinner outside, he eats faster than you then while you are still eating he says that he wants to pay the bill. After he pays the bill he does not come back to his seat but without saying anything he directly goes and waits you outside and you do not know where he is.
-He is interested in intimacy mostly when he needs sex. When he does not need it he prefers spending time in front of computer or watching sports.
- Everytime you complain about the behaviours, without arguing he says sorry easily but he repeat the behaviours again and again.

Those are how my husband treats me. But actually he is good person. He has good temperament, calm, soft, generous, humble, treats his friends respectfully, simple, and he does not like confrontation. He also does not have any addictions.
Am I too demanding if I want to be treated better?

So, if you have those experiences, what do you feel and think about him and what will you do?

MrsOldNews

He's not a good person to you, he treats you horribly, there's no way anyone in their right mind should have to put up with all that. Why do you put up with it?? All the things you describe him to be makes him out to be a heartless a$$hole in my opinion and that's putting it lightly. You need some serious help as in therapy to see that no one deserves to live life like you do. I feel horrible that you have to live with that monster daily.

Dollystanford

he's treating you like sh*t - why is he a good person again?

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lamaga

So he treats his friends respectfully, but not you?

That's a big red flag.

I'm guessing from your writing that you are from another culture, so I cannot judge how this kind of behavior is accepted in your country, but I'd have his a$$ on a grill so fast, he wouldn't know what hit him.

Or, in other words - I'm really sorry you have to put up with this. While I cannot judge the emotions hidden in another's heart, I would say no, it doesn't sound loving to me.

cherokee96red

Most, if not all, of those occured through the 23 years we were married. I used to make excuses for his behaviour on those occasions. Beginning to realize that I was really blind to them because I loved and accepted him, faults included.

Some things seem to get worse when it was discovered I had the brain tumor and the subsequent surgery to remove it. He never helped me get in & out of our Silverado, walked with me knowing how precarious my balance was and has remained. Several times when we went out and returned home after dark he simply got out of the truck and went inside only to leave me standing (and holding on to the truck) in the dark as I couldn't see well at night. The impatience was more than evident in his attitude and demeanor toward me. Other people noticed it right off and mentioned it only to hear me reply "that it was ok, it's his way of encouraging me to regain my physical abilities." Yeah, right!

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Jellybeans

How we think and "feel" about him is irrelevant because it's YOUR marriage.

It's clear you are not happy with your marriage's dynamic or w/ the way he treats you.

So what are you going to do?


Because everything you have done has resulted in the same thing.

Try something different.

Stonewall

I don't understand how any spouse can treat their SO like that. I also don't understand why you would stay with someone who treated you like that.

Jellybeans

Offtopic, but a lot of what you posted reminds me of my exH.

When you've had enough, you will know.

cherokee96red

And I know that I've had ENOUGH!

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Homemaker_Numero_Uno

It sounds like you are building up anger and resentment. I'm reading a book called "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships." Harriet Lerner Ph.D. Good stuff. I would feel the way you do. It's scary to start sticking up for yourself but you know if you don't do it you can't count on him to do it. Either he will adjust to you being more assertive for yourself or you will learn that his heart is not in the relationship, in which case you can decide to have a new environment where you don't have to be lowest priority in your own life.

This is me

You will get many here that will just about talk you into divorce. Don't listen to them. Everyone that visits here has their own issues and advise from that POV.

Most marriages have issues at times that can be resolved. Remember you also wrote:

"But actually he is good person. He has good temperament, calm, soft, generous, humble, treats his friends respectfully, simple, and he does not like confrontation. He also does not have any addictions."

Sounds like a pretty good guy that needs a little tweaking or maybe its just a rough time for one of you. Who doesn't have rough times and needs tweaking. None of us are perfect and none of us were given the handbook on how to be married, we learned be default.

MY HUMBLE ADVICE: If you have issues talk in a calm, suggestive manner (honey attracts bees kind of way) or if fails seek MC.

I wish you, your husband and child well!

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jove

What can I say... I am so confused. Daily, he speaks nicely to me, rarely gets angry, never do any physichal violance and never yells at me. If I insist, he also do whatever I want him to do. But I am tired of keep asking and complaining. I want him to do what should be done, reflecting his care about me, spontaneously.
Btw, we are not from western countries. As far as I usually see, the other men in my country are worse in treating their wives. Therefore many friends of mine and my family say that I am such a lucky wife. Even he is my mother's favorite son of law. In our country, it is common if men are served like king in their house. My brother in law even ask my sister to put food on his plate and yell at my sister 'you are stupid bla..bla..bla' if she make any mistakes. That is why my sister says I am lucky because my husband never do that and willingly helps me in the kitchen (cooking and washing dishes). The facts make me feel like I am unthankful and demanding wife if I complain about his behaviours listed above. Am I the lucky one... I am still not sure.

YinPrincess

Just curious - if culturally, you consider him an exception in how he treats you, then, (pardon if this seems rude- I don't know how else to say it), where do you get the desire to be treated better? Sorry again if that sounds mean, I don't intend it to seem that way. Are you from a different culture than he is? Are the women of your culture expected to "serve" their husbands? Just curious. I would think if you were raised in the same culture you would be more "accepting" of his behaviors?

Perhaps I am naïve? I'm just trying to understand your situation better.

Generally in western cultures this kind of behavior would be frowned upon.

I wish you the best of luck. It seems like maybe your husband is just clueless as to how you are feeling and if I were you, I would just try to explain how it makes you feel when he does those things, and PROVIDE examples of how you would like it to change. (For example, tell him that you would like him to include you in decisions - like staying at his friend's house all night - perhaps next time he can ask you if you are okay with that). Start small, hopefully he'll be willing to develop those traits a bit.
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eowyn

There is no question that the behavior of your husband from your initial post is disrespectful and should be unacceptable to a wife. However your above post adds a little more perspective to your story. Here is my take on your situation:

1. No matter which country you belong to and how rest of the males in your society are, in my opinion, it is absolutely fine to expect respect and care from your husband which you are not getting currently (at least not as much as you or any wife would deserve). There is no need to be complacent just because your BIL and some other men you know are crazy people.

2. Probably your husband has been raised in an environment where his mother, sisters etc were treated without much respect as well and that could be a factor. However it is a good thing that he is relatively better than most other males in your society. I think you need to train him to treat you better. Few thing you can do are..... Genuinely Appreciate the good things he does for you such as helping you in the kitchen etc. so he will be encouraged to do good things. Avoid criticizing and calmly try to put forth your perspective in a constructive manner. Would he be open to reading some marriage related books? I am sure you will get good recommendations from TAM members if that might be an option.

NextTimeAround

In western marriages, a man shows that he is in love with his wife because he shows that cannot simply do enough to make her happy. He takes her coat; he gets her drink; he carries things for her; he is keen to make her comfortable when she is sick and so on.

I am not up on other types of marriages since I read that in other cultures women are more subservient to men. I don't know how that manifests in "love" marriages that might occur.

I would never agree to having a husband who is more concerned about other people's comfort than he is to mine (which might explain why I am divorced now).....

In case I missed it, what cultures are you and her husband from? And where do you live now?