steve101

My Wife and I have been married for 8 years this year. We have 3 beautiful children 7 years, 3 years and 9 months old. Ok here we go. Our sex life has always been initiated by me. She basically lays there while we have sex. Up until 2 months ago she told me that she will try and look at me like a best friend. I asked why? She said that when I make her angry if she sees me as her best friend it will make her not get angry at me. Most of the things she gets angry at me is is about our business we do or especially anything to do with the kids.We have had a lot of pressure with our 3 children and having no family close by it can be very hard. My Wife and I really don't have together time or she doesn't have her own time. She told me the other day that not right now but in the future what if we sleep in separate rooms.She said that you are a good father and I will never leave you but we could live together as a family but sleep in separate rooms. She could tell I was upset. She said not now but I know she is thinking of it. I tell you I was very upset when she mentioned this. I asked her why? she said she needs some space and sees me as her best friend. She told me she sees me everyday, she is with the kids everyday and she has no time just for herself.I am a very sensitive and affectionate person and she is not. Which she of course knows and doesn't want to see me upset. Her mother and father who live in another country have a relationship where they live in the same house but have no intercourse or passion towards one another. It wasn't like that all the time. My wife's father had a mistress many years ago and my wife's mother knew about it but let it go until one day she asked for divorce. They divorced he live outside of the house but years later came back home as the mistress used up all his money. So my wife's mother felt sorry for him and lets him back in the house.Ok back to my issues now. Just last night I started to massage her back and then tried to get her in the mood for making love. She said she doesn't feel like it. I asked her what the matter is and she said she doesn't feel like it. I said to her even when I try and touch you in certain parts you are not interested at all. She said I let you massage my back . It feels like I could massage her back or feet but when it comes to touching her she pushes me away why? Do you think all the pressure from running a business and looking after children every day is taking its toll or is it something else.
My wife is 36 years old and I am 35 years old. I could not bear the thought of living with out her. Especially my children I love so dearly. Please any therapists out there that reads this. I would love some serious help. I forgot to mention she has been doing allot of ZumMy Wife and I have been married for 8 years this year. We have 3 beautiful children 7 years, 3 years and 9 months old. Ok here we go. Our sex life has always been initiated by me. She basically lays there while we have sex. Up until 2 months ago she told me that she will try and look at me like a best friend. I asked why? She said that when I make her angry if she sees me as her best friend it will make her not get angry at me. Most of the things she gets angry at me is is about our business we do or especially anything to do with the kids.We have had a lot of pressure with our 3 children and having no family close by it can be very hard. My Wife and I really don't have together time or she doesn't have her own time. She told me the other day that not right now but in the future what if we sleep in separate rooms.She said that you are a good father and I will never leave you but we could live together as a family but sleep in separate rooms. She could tell I was upset. She said not now but I know she is thinking of it. I tell you I was very upset when she mentioned this. I asked her why? she said she needs some space and sees me as her best friend. She told me she sees me everyday, she is with the kids everyday and she has no time just for herself.I am a very sensitive and affectionate person and she is not. Which she of course knows and doesn't want to see me upset. Her mother and father who live in another country have a relationship where they live in the same house but have no intercourse or passion towards one another. It wasn't like that all the time. My wife's father had a mistress many years ago and my wife's mother knew about it but let it go until one day she asked for divorce. They divorced he live outside of the house but years later came back home as the mistress used up all his money. So my wife's mother felt sorry for him and lets him back in the house.Ok back to my issues now. Just last night I started to massage her back and then tried to get her in the mood for making love. She said she doesn't feel like it. I asked her what the matter is and she said she doesn't feel like it. I said to her even when I try and touch you in certain parts you are not interested at all. She said I let you massage my back . It feels like I could massage her back or feet but when it comes to touching her she pushes me away why? Do you think all the pressure from running a business and looking after children every day is taking its toll or is it something else.
My wife is 36 years old and I am 35 years old. I could not bear the thought of living with out her. Especially my children I love so dearly. Please any therapists out there that reads this. I would love some serious help. Also I forgot to mention she has been doing allot of Zumba fitness in the last couple of months and basically she wants to get back her figure like she had before children. I asked her that she was doing allot. She said that it was her way as well to try and not think of all of these things. I asked her for us to go and see someone like a counselor. She told me she doesn't need to talk to anyone and it will go by itself. That is why she is doing extra fitness classes as it blocks out her thinking of these issues. What do I do? If I keep asking her about what is wrong etc it makes it worse. Please someone help me and my marriage. I want to fix it. What to do! Could there be an underlining issue such as a hormone imbalance or early signs of menopause. Any help would be great.

contactstevenh@gmail.com

Thank you so much!

Toffer

OUCH!

Steve I feel very badly for you.

While I will say that it sounds like you need to see if you can help her get some time for herself (take the kids out for a good part of a day)

Other than that, you should be a bit concerned because she is displaying what most folks here will tell you are Red Flags indicating that she may be involved in an affair or anticipating one. These flags are:

She wants seperate rooms
She's working out and getting in better shape (and apparently not for you since she doesn't want to have sex with you)
She sees you as a friend, not a husband and lover. This is often also know as the ILYBNILWY (I lOve You But Not In Love With You) syndrome

It sounds as if she's checked out of the marriage already. Your only hope would be joint marriage counseling but if she's already involved with someone emotionally, it may be too late.

Do not come right out and ask her if she's cheating or thinking about it. Investigate quietly. Here's a couple of things you can do quietly

Does she have a cell phone and do you have access to the billing statements? If so, review the last few months and look for an abnoramally high volume of texts and/or calls to a single number you don't recognize

Put a keylogger program on your PC to see what she's doing online

Buy a voice activated recorder (VAR) and attach it under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro and occasionally remove it and review the tape.

Go to the Copin with Infidelity section here at TAM and read!

While she may be perfectly innocent, I think you need to rule this out. She may just be done with the marriage and is starting to prepare to move on with her life.

You need counseling ASAP

KathyBatesel

I mostly agree with Toffer, although it may not be quite that bad. She may be simply repeating what she thinks of as "normal" after having watched her parents live basically independent lives.

Also, sometimes marriage counseling works and sometimes it doesn't. You will need to find out what she feels is missing from her life and see if there's a way she can get those needs met without checking out of the marriage.

I recommend reading the 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman together, too.

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growtogether

Hi Steve
I do agree with the first part of Toffer's post where it's saying that she is check out of marriage, kind of a friendship relationship now. I do not agree with the fact to play the detective; communication will do a better job.
You guys need to put all the cards on the table; true talking is needed. It's seemed like she knows how you are feeling, but it doesn't seems like she talk easy. If you ask her how committed, she is on your marriage, what would she say? What about '' how do you see our marriage 5 years from now?''.
What may help to before starting those important questions, is to set some rules. Honestly( no bull****, real talking), respect(let the other talk) and calm (no yelling).
What do you guys want from your marriage?

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KanDo

Steve,

Sorry you are here. This "Best Friend" situation is akin tothe "I love you but I'm not in love with you" scenario. The Top 3 causes of this scenario are:

1. An affair
2. An affair
3. An affair

Begin investigating now. I hope i am wrong; but, I am fairly confident that I am not.

Go to the coping with infidelity forum and look into the threads that describe investigation. And forget the communication comment. You need to know before you communicate.

Good luck.