General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am curious to find out how often average spouses/partners are saddened by something their spouse/partner says or does. In my case my spouse does or says something so completely self-centric that it shatters my everyday world - roughly every few weeks.
EDIT1: It's a brief, all-encompassing moment that makes me wonder why I am even living with her.
EDIT2: What would be a healthy frequency? Is there one?
I'm not sure it's a fair question -- I mean, we're all human, we all get our feelings hurt all the time -- doesn't mean other people mean to.
Having said that, mine? Probably once a month, maybe less. We communicate pretty well.
It is so true Lamaga. No one is perfect. I would never tell you that we had never said hurtful things to one another on occasion but ever since she began to make more than me it has become routine. She used to pull the "I make more money than you card constantly". I never in a million years would have considered playing that card in our first 19 years of marriage and it makes me a bit sad to think that she has ever done it.
Yesterday after a great morning (movies and lunch together) she needed to get to work because she had a pile of stuff to do. I had dropped off her car to get some routine maintenance done and they were about 45 minutes later than what they thought. After I commented that it was not a big deal in the grand scheme she stated in and angry and frustrated manner that if she had known she was going to lose an hour of work time she would have never gone to the movies and lunch with me. I am always amazed when she makes insensitive statements like these. So I withdrew for the rest of the day and kept my distance, went to a wedding reception with my daughters and maintained the distance when I got home.
About 11:30 last night she asks me to come to bed and let's me know "she's been thinking of me all day". Nice but it makes me wonder why she has been firing darts at me with her icy stares since she got home from work. The highs and lows are exhausting emotionally for me.
The highs and lows are exhausting emotionally for me.
This is very true for me too.
For some reason no matter how I try to improve communication between us sometimes it's just impossible to have a "normal" conversation with my wife. She would just get angry, not talk anymore to me for minutes or hours depending on how mad she is.
Thing is I never get mad in the first place. I always try to be talkative and explain my point of view especially because english is not my mother tongue.
Then when she calms down she says that she's sorry,wada,wada, wada, but we can never finish the discussion, she would avoid it. I tried to talk to her about this behaviour many times without success.
I am learning not to be affected by her burst of anger but it's emotionally draining for me.
3-5x a day on average. Predictably first thing in the morning, several times during the day e.g. every time I walk into a room where she is. And between 9-11pm each night. I wouldn't say 'saddened'. More like irritated over her fuming anger, resulting in her complaining about something or barking out some bizarre order like "We have to fumigate the entire house right NOW!" or "Don't use the shower in our room anymore!"
In our case it's not hurtful words it's his hurtful actions, unless he remedies his action it's an ongoing hurt. It's impossible to put a number to it, it depends on the people around us which causes this hurt from my husband.
At least half-a-dozen times per day. I've always been one to ask her questions or for her advice, most that would only require a "yes or no," or at the extreme, a very short answer. I just kept on getting those same belittling, caustic, and sarcastic answers from her to the effect of "I already told you that," "you already know the answer to that," or the ever rich "why don't you just try thinking outside the box."
Add to that another hurtful cliche of hers, "looks like you need to get your hearing tested again!"(I actually did one time to shut her up and the ENT MD found me to be fine~ then she started questioning his credentials!
Separated now, for a little over a year, we rarely communicate, more especially given the recent start of divorce litigation!
What do these people get out hurting their spouses feelings so often? Words hurt and if you are hurt often, it is natural to pull away and not communicate or become resentful and then no one is happy.
Spouses who lash out at their loved ones for no reason need to be fitted with a shock collar. Everytime they say something nasty and hurtful, give them a good shock, on 10 (don't start slow on setting number 1, give em all the juice). If they wish to behave like an azz, treat them like one. ZAP! And why not? They are zapping their spouses with their poisonous words.
What do these people get out hurting their spouses feelings so often? Words hurt and if you are hurt often, it is natural to pull away and not communicate or become resentful and then no one is happy.
Spouses who lash out at their loved ones for no reason need to be fitted with a shock collar. Everytime they say something nasty and hurtful, give them a good shock, on 10 (don't start slow on setting number 1, give em all the juice). If they wish to behave like an azz, treat them like one. ZAP! And why not? They are zapping their spouses with their poisonous words.
I think a lot of them are very unhappy with themselves. They make themselves feel better by putting others down.
To me, the real question is why people tolerate this kind of treatment...
I think a lot of them are very unhappy with themselves. They make themselves feel better by putting others down.
To me, the real question is why people tolerate this kind of treatment...
When I ultimately stood up to my STBXW about her caustic attitude and belittling verbage richly aimed my way, she seemed to get her feelings hurt in that she felt an inate sense of entitlement to do those things. Even people who have known her longer than I have greatly attested to that.
I truly think that it's just a part of her overall psychological make-up. Perhaps she'd be better off with some one who is richly into doling out verbal abuse and cutting remarks as much as she is!
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What is your hurt frequency? 
