arbitrator

In a new relationship/courtship et. al., who traditionally should be the one to say "I love you" first? Why? And in your present relationship, who was the one that first made that declaration to the other?

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heartsbeating

I don't think there are 'shoulds' with this type of thing.

My H declared his love for me first. I didn't say "I love you too" when he said it. We were young and I was still figuring out my feelings. I didn't want to say it until I knew that I really meant it.

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Mary Harris

I don't think it matter much.

Who care if he or she express the love in words

It's there is what matter.

Needpeace

These words come naturally when time & feelings are right from either party, it just happens without putting in planned thought, it's an overwhelming emotion that can't be controlled, it simply flows outward.

arbitrator

Like you, Lady Frog, I'm the traditionalist also. But, despite the fact that I may be falling in love, unless she gives me something emotionally back for me to hang my hat on, I would never utter those words. And that's richly due to a potentially perceived fear of rejection!

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SepticChange

Probably the guy. From what I've seen and my own experience they freaked out or wanted to back up a bit when the girl says it first. Probably just an age thing (late teens, early 20s) but one of my guy friends admitted that it made him feel like she was expecting a ring soon and he wanted to run the other way.

In my marriage, he said it first. It was kind of funny because we both knew how the other felt and were both stubborn, refusing to admit it first out loud. I'm shy and pretty inexperienced and he's been there more than once so I kept my lips shut until he said it first.

arbitrator

I know that in mine, I was absolutely nervous as hell in doing it, but it was what I'd term as a "good" kind of nervous!

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http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

heartsbeating

My H blurted it out unexpectedly. lol. I think he surprised himself but at the same time, seemed to have peace with it. He hadn't said it to another before. He made no apologies or had expectation and he allowed me the time to accept it and understand my own feelings.

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moxy

The one who feels it first should be the one who says it first.

I don't think declarations of affection should be made strategically, because that can lead to manipulative expressions of affection.

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lamaga

OUCH! There are no rules and no shoulds. It comes out when it must.

Mavash.

There should be no rules but I tend to think men get scared off if a woman says it too soon.

I vote the man should say it first.

However the woman should give all kinds of signals and signs that she's in love to help him out.

Win/win

donewithit

well i would prefer that my husband had said it first..he KINDA did..but not really.

my first xmas card from him...was to someone i care about blah blah blah..

he signed it..when i think of you..one word comes to mind.

love greg.

i spent all day freaking out and that night neither one of us had kids (other parents turn) and i slept over..I lay there..wanting to tell him i loved him but SO afraid..he knew it. he tormented me..when i finally got out the words..i love you..he said..WELL..I guess it is a good thing i love you too. I wanted to hit him lol..but eight months later..i was his wife

growtogether

Hello arbitrator!
I was curious to know why you don't say your feelings to her. I know you said that you were afraid of being rejected, but would you be willing to hold your love for her the rest of your life? Is the opportunity to love shoud be stronger than losing her?

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arbitrator

Grow: I could easily verbally express my feelings for her, but if I saw that she was not showing any inherent, non-verbal signs of reciprocity, then I'd probably hedge my bets. If the signs are there, however, then there's not a problem!

You can certainly feel intonations of love for someone, but if you are not getting those like signals sent back your way, then I'd be a little remiss to take that first step.

But if it's any consolation, in all of my lifelong romantic relationships, I have always been the one to take that first plunge!

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"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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SimplyAmorous

I so agree with you Lady Frog on this one!

I am very old fashioned in this way. I also feel the man should initially do the pursuing... and hopefully express his sentimental feelings when he is really being torn up over wanting too...to his love in his timing... oh the joy of waiting for that. I would never jump ahead and take THAT moment from myself. That is too precious.

This is just my opinion here ..... I think the woman should do & be all she can be if she has fallen in love, show her feelings in actions, being there, how she looks at him, treat him like a King... but wait for him to share his heart...... With all that going on.... he will feel confident in expressing this to her...feeling, by her actions...she feels it too....without any fear of rejection. He will even feel good he did it 1st...being the man.

Expressing our deepest feelings of love should never be rushed though. Far too many DO this, getting caught up in what they think is there....or wants to be there.... but it is too early in the game.... then bail and leave the woman devestated - a friend of mine right now is reeling over her ex boyfriends words, asking me over & over..."why did he say that to me??!@#$%^

My husband definitely said it 1st, it was even before we 1st kissed...he did it pretty early too - even though that isn't always such a good thing.... but still... this brought me such Joy, comfort, trust in him, in us... and all of those romantic feelings came rushing over me like a flood, I felt safe in his arms.

Others have mentioned this, I agree....I feel If I said it 1st....it might scare him off ..or it might be putting him under pressure to speak that back to me.. and this just wouldn't be the same (for me), as his doing it on his own.

The greatest love songs ever sung were penned by men in love, is anything more special than them expressing this 1st - I would call those the magical moments of a lifetime. Something us women write about exuberantly in our diarys & run & tell all our GF's. Maybe when we are older it is different I suppose, I am thinking of "Young love" here.

Doesn't make it wrong for women to do this though!! There is no law written.

Once he unloads that....and I feel he is totally into ME...just me.... then I will lavish that to the high heavens back at him. Look out baby!

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