General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I also trust my boyfriend, I trust him to act like a gentleman and to not do anything that may hurt my feelings or harm our relationship, regardless of if I am there or not.
I trust him not to oggle other women and treat them like sexual objects, to respect women and to keep the hot sexual stuff between the two of us.
*LittleDeer* said: I value sexual commitment and just because a man may pay to watch girls dancing naked, doesn't make it any less sleazy or wrong then in a one on one session, to me it represents the same thing.
I want to stick my head into this thread... and give MY / our experience....
Me & my husband greatly value sexual commitment .... We both count ourselves rather old fashioned compared to most on this forum.... me & my husband has only been with each other, and still.. when he was 45, after having never been to one (we were very conservative in our youth...and I was a bit repressed).... and after me going to see the Chippendales with some GF's ...when some friends invited us to a Gentleman's club...we went together..
My husband really enjoyed it....and I wanted to know the truth, I didn't want him to have to hide that from me... or sugar coat it ....he is a an exemplary husband in every way imaginable...I KNOW how he feels about me...been treating me like Gold since the day we met in our teens...... I never seen this as a threat to us in any way... Yes, it is entertainment wrapped around a little fantasy. Men like to look upon some variety.... if yours doesn't , he is a rare rare breed --or he is just hiding this fact from you.
FOR US.... It didn't take anything away from our marraige, our commitment or how he feels about me. In fact, in our experience, it spiced it up a little!
Just as you wouldn't want anyone judging you- for having an issue with this... I also would not want others judging MY marraige because we enjoyed it !!
We went about 9 times over the span of 2 yrs....It was a WILD phase... and we have no regrets at all, we'd do it all again in a heartbeat ....it fizzled out as I knew it would.... even one of our good friends is now dating a Stripper from that club, he's been with her for over a year a half now. She no longer strips....and they may be getting married.
We are not even the type who go to Bars, neither of us smoke, I have never drank, he only socially. BUt still it was some entertainment, I enjoyed watching them dance on those poles, seeing their outfits, they would come over & talk to us about thier lives. They especially enjoyed seing married couples come in.
I used to judge those women in my youth, I was too religious minded... I am happy to say...I got to see another side to these women... they are real people, have real lives, most of them are making $$ for College and they have no interest in those men, I think most of them prefer dancing for the women accually.
The Club we went too was more High class though, only air grinding and bouncers ready to take you out with even a touch from a man. I am sure some are very sleezy, I have not had that experience.
I used to judge those women in my youth, I was too religious minded... I am happy to say...I got to see another side to these women... they are real people, have real lives, most of them are making $$ for College and they have no interest in those men, I think most of them prefer dancing for the women accually.
Sorry, SA, that sounds extremely naive and a touch too Pretty Woman!?! Maybe it's different in the US, but you'd be hard-pressed to find a stripper here up north that's actually finished high school, let alone putting herself through University. The reality is that many of them are drug users and borderline prostitutes; they have a high interest in 'those men' because it is those men who are paying them 10$ a song to get enough coke to numb themselves into thinking that what they're doing is a great way of life.
Sorry, SA, that sounds extremely naive and a touch too Pretty Woman!?! Maybe it's different in the US, but you'd be hard-pressed to find a stripper here up north that's actually finished high school, let alone putting herself through University. The reality is that many of them are drug users and borderline prostitutes; they have a high interest in 'those men' because it is those men who are paying them 10$ a song to get enough coke to numb themselves into thinking that what they're doing is a great way of life.
It was a higher class place, it wasn't in the city either, like on a strip or anything...in fact a long stretch of country road, seemed very bizarre to be located there. The one our friend is dating was a Substitute school teacher in another town- saving to put her oldest son through college, she was 38 when they met there.
One of my favorites was taking Psychology and my husbands favorite moved after she finished college. Maybe this is rare, you are probably right...I suppose they could be lying to us, but at least the lady our friend is seeing ....it was all true. We were just talking to him the other night at our house, she moved on & got a better job, he would never be with someone messed up like that! He is pretty respectable, he works for the Governement, not even a smoker.
I don't for a minute think all Strip Clubs are created equal. We never cared to go to another one, this one had a reputation for being "couple friendly".... Rules had to be obeyed , or you was canned. IN fact they fired their Most saught after dancer on the spot for breaking one of the rules (she never touched the man, just herself I guess) ...a bouncer watches every move....we were a bit surprised being their biggest $$ maker, but impressed, because they hold tight to their rules. Which I feel is very necessary in an establishment like that.
One of them was dancing to get money enough to pay for a divorce to get her & her 2 girls away from her abusive husband. I remember her quitting shortly after that.
I guess I don't feel you can judge every single girl as being addicted to something...maybe it's true in the bigger cities, I don't know, but it wasn't where we went. Seriosuly.
I don't know, maybe I'm just biased, because my father was in the bar business for 30 years and I grew up seeing a lot of sh!t; I don't, judge these people, however. If that's the life they want, then fine. It's just not a pretty life (around here).
I don't know, maybe I'm just biased, because my father was in the bar business for 30 years and I grew up seeing a lot of sh!t; I don't, judge these people, however. If that's the life they want, then fine. It's just not a pretty life (around here).
I think we are all biased due to something we grew up with...and I am sure you are so right in what you said even....the addictions, the sad lifestyle. No doubt.
The stripper who got fired, I heard about her story, she could have been a model, she danced beautifully, such confidence in every step...but that was on stage......it surprised me to learn how very low her self -esteem really was...a regular filled us in....he knew her better than anyone being her highest paying customer....she grew up without a father, just a hard hard upbringing, I can't remember it all now.
I wouldn't want my daughter doing that lifestyle either (which likely makes me a hypocrite for enjoying such a thing)...but at the same time, do I want to judge women who choose to do it...if for paying off college or debts. Obviously drugs... this is so wrong, so messed up, so hopeless.
Given how judgmental I used to be on things such as this... even thinking...well... if they get raped/stalked -they deserve it- by choosing a job like that.... Do you think I like to admit this....it's nasty!
So for me...it was accually a GOOD thing to walk in there, get to sit side by side with some of these women, hear their stories, their hopes & dreams, we had some interesting conversations with some , we're talking 15 minutes at a time -at our table on some slower nights.
It is one reason I have no regrets, I needed a little more understanding -instead of lumping a group of people into one box and storing it way....in judgement.
I think we are all biased due to something we grew up with...and I am sure you are so right in what you said even....the addictions, the sad lifestyle. No doubt.
The stripper who got fired, I heard about her story, she could have been a model, she danced beautifully, such confidence in every step...but that was on stage......it surprised me to learn how very low her self -esteem really was...a regular filled us in....he knew her better than anyone being her highest paying customer....she grew up without a father, just a hard hard upbringing, I can't remember it all now.
I wouldn't want my daughter doing that lifestyle either (which likely makes me a hypocrite for enjoying such a thing)...but at the same time, do I want to judge women who choose to do it...if for paying off college or debts. Obviously drugs... this is so wrong, so messed up, so hopeless.
Given how judgmental I used to be on things such as this... even thinking...well... if they get raped/stalked -they deserve it- by choosing a job like that.... Do you think I like to admit this....it's nasty!
So for me...it was accually a GOOD thing to walk in there, get to sit side by side with some of these women, hear their stories, their hopes & dreams, we had some interesting conversations with some , we're talking 15 minutes at a time -at our table on some slower nights.
It is one reason I have no regrets, I needed a little more understanding -instead of lumping a group of people into one box and storing it way....in judgement.
I've got a friend who frequents the strip club near his home at least 2-3 times a week. He, too, pays these girls hundreds to just sit and talk and listen to their life stories, both real and made up. I'm sure they just love it when he walks in the door...READ: Sucker!
I've called him out on it many times, and every time, he insists that they're his friends, and he too knows them better than anyone...well, 2 summers ago, he held a big BBQ at his place and invited all his friends from the strip club, men and women alike. Not one showed up because there was no chance of being paid. I felt sorry for him.
[I value sexual commitment ]-I also value it and by no means think that going to watch somebody taking off their clothes is cheating or talking about strip clubs should be a huge issues.
Why not just have fun with it instead of making it into some big over blown argument.Instead of getting an attitude when your husband said you could have taken him to see his first strippers,you could have went in the bathroom put on something sexy with some music playing and said something like, I wanted to make your first experience something special and wild which you would not have gotten there and you both would have remembered this with smiling faces for that anniversary.
What a sad experience for a woman who does not herself want any part of this. I am afraid in this case the memories would be bad ones.
If she wanted to do this herself that is one thing. Otherwise it is degrading. He was a jerk for going on about it.
I am with littledeer on the general strip club topic... I agree that women (or men) should not be perceived as sexual objects. Sex or Sexual feelings should ideally come out of extreme feeling of love for your other half and should be something limited between a committed/married couple. But that is just my opinion and I wouldn't judge anyone who doesn't agree with this. Moreover I wouldn't judge the ladies who do this for a living. In most cases I would imagine they do it due to circumstances rather than choice, and it is actually sad for those who are compelled to select this line of profession.
Irrespective of the general strip club topic, I sure do think that if OP encourages strip club activity to her H by actually taking him to a strip club, she would be opening a big can of worms! Looking at OP's post and her husband's immature comments and fascination about strip clubs I don't think it is a good idea for OP to encourage such things in their marriage.
There would be very few couples such as SimplyAmorous & her H who might be able to take this in their stride, keep their feet on the ground and look objectively at such things. However that wouldn't normally be the case. I remember a post where a guy would go to the strip club, his gf was fine with that, and eventually he ended up having sex with one of the strippers. Who knows maybe his gf was the one to take him to a strip club for the first time.. at least she didn't object to this behavior. I think introducing (or tolerating) such things in a marriage is not only disrespectful but also like playing with fire. Most people already have enough issues in their marriage, and this would be a big one to add to the list.
I am with littledeer on the general strip club topic... I agree that women (or men) should not be perceived as sexual objects. Sex or Sexual feelings should ideally come out of extreme feeling of love for your other half and should be something limited between a committed/married couple. But that is just my opinion and I wouldn't judge anyone who doesn't agree with this. Moreover I wouldn't judge the ladies who do this for a living. In most cases I would imagine they do it due to circumstances rather than choice, and it is actually sad for those who are compelled to select this line of profession.
Irrespective of the general strip club topic, I sure do think that if OP encourages strip club activity to her H by actually taking him to a strip club, she would be opening a big can of worms! Looking at OP's post and her husband's immature comments and fascination about strip clubs I don't think it is a good idea for OP to encourage such things in their marriage.
There would be very few couples such as SimplyAmorous & her H who might be able to take this in their stride, keep their feet on the ground and look objectively at such things. However that wouldn't normally be the case. I remember a post where a guy would go to the strip club, his gf was fine with that, and eventually he ended up having sex with one of the strippers. Who knows maybe his gf was the one to take him to a strip club for the first time.. at least she didn't object to this behavior. I think introducing (or tolerating) such things in a marriage is not only disrespectful but also like playing with fire. Most people already have enough issues in their marriage, and this would be a big one to add to the list.
Simply Amorous and Mr. Simply Amorous have a great relationship. They have a very solid marriage. They can go to a high class strip club. It doesn't adversely affect their already strong marriage. As a personal note, I wouldn't mind going to a high end strip club with my husband. I think we could withstand such a visit too but that's a separate topic. However, the OP and her husband have huge issues (mostly from her husband..not the OP) regarding honesty, Craigs List hookers, porn, immaturity. They've been married for nearly two years but he has still not told his overseas, conservative family that he's married to her. He doesn't strike me as the sort who could go to a strip club once and be done with it. I fear he'd get hooked on it especially given how he's behaved so far. It's like taking a kid to a candy store.
You are so right Coffee Amore. I admire SA's marriage and if a couple wants to visit a strip club together, only they can make the decision.
I once asked my husband if he wanted to go a strip club together. He said no because he has already seen too many strippers in his life and my husband doesn't understand the point of paying a wad of money to ogle naked women. "Why should I put money in some woman's g-string when I have a sexy wife at home? I'd rather spend money for the two of us to have fun!"
It looks like the OP's husband is not ready for marriage.
I've got a friend who frequents the strip club near his home at least 2-3 times a week. He, too, pays these girls hundreds to just sit and talk and listen to their life stories, both real and made up. I'm sure they just love it when he walks in the door...READ: Sucker!
I've called him out on it many times, and every time, he insists that they're his friends, and he too knows them better than anyone...well, 2 summers ago, he held a big BBQ at his place and invited all his friends from the strip club, men and women alike. Not one showed up because there was no chance of being paid. I felt sorry for him.
I felt sorry for this man too, but I wouldn't call him a sucker cause he knew they were not his friends. He saw it completelyas a Business deal... ... if there was anyone who had no illusions after hanging around strippers, it was THIS MAN... he enlightened us on many things that I would have otherwise had no inkling -what goes on, how things work, about these women...all of it. And even how different this club was from others....we didn't like the stories we heard from some others he knew about. He gave us a good education, he knew enough to start his own club if he had the $$.
He said after a while, you don't get excited anymore, they all look the same.
He was such a straight shooter, I respected that somehow. If not, I would have called him out on some things -feeling he was being duped. Cause I so agree with you...it is surely not about winning favors /or friendship with these women.... all about the almighty dallor....a man has to know this going in...no matter how sweet they speak to you. He would go on about the reality of that in a very RAW manner infact.
He was in a sexless marraige...of course... why such a place became home away from home on the weekends....even if he had to buy some attention from some beautiful women...it was rather sad. He was older & his wife & him agreed-for him to have this outlet... neither wanted to divorce, he saw no point in ending up in a small apartment alone slicing everything he worked for in half - she didn't want to be alone either. I guess she went there a few times with him, but not her thing. They still do other things together, hey whatever works. It didn't matter what me or my husband thought...we just listened.
All he ever wanted in life is what we had, that is what he told us....then he wouldn't have a craving for a place like that. Very true, the customers themselves -they generally come from a sad place also.
I don't think, by any means, me & my husband were the normal type to walk through those doors.
It was very entertaining to see the Bachelor parties though, I laughed so hard the 1st time. They collar the guy, put him on a leash ride him around ,then he gets a chance at the pole. Those were a hoot to watch.
I don't know what the answer is to places like this... really I don't!! If I compared how the men act in a place like this, to how the women acted at the Chippendales show, to be honest, the women embrassed me way more.
After a time, we felt we just didn't belong there anymore, the allure wore off, I was feeling uneasy about it, he didn't seem to care....but still it was enjoyable, we did it together, a wild ride...then it ran out of gas.
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Re: ugh... strippers... 
