am I an ungrateful wife?
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Old 05-29-2012, 12:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default am I an ungrateful wife?

So my husband always tells me that I'm an ungrateful wife everytime we get into an argument. I have always asked him to explain how I'm ungrateful and he gives me examples. But I cant seem to comprehend how a horrible person I am.
This weekend, we went out of town for the weekend. We had a great weekend together except for the last day which got ruined by my ungratefulness. We were supposed to eat at one of our favorites restaurants which meant that we would have to wait about 2 and half hours to eat. We didnt eat breafast because we wanted to save our appetite for that restaurant. When we got to that city where our favorite restaurant was, the hostess told us that the wait time was about 2 hours. My husband said "forget it" since we were starving by that time. I asked him if we would come back to the reataurant to buy one of my favoritea desserts at least but he said he didnt know with an irritated look. By that time he was getting irritated. We went to the next restaurant and they told us that the wait time would be 1 hour 45 mins. By this time it was obvious he was irritated. So I asked him "what do we do? Should we wait or go look for another restaurant?" His reply was "I really dont care. I can eat a hamburger and I'll be fine" His reply made me mad and I told him "Well I didnt wait all this time just to come here and eat a hamburger. It that was the case I could have eaten a hamburger back in the town we were" I guess I was mad because I was starving, our favorite restaurant wasn't available, and who knows when we would eat there again since we live 4 hours away from that restaurant. Well this made him mad and he called me umgrateful because I couldnt be fine with just eating a hamburger. And went ahead and placed our names on the waiting list. I got mad and asked why he did that when I didnt want to wait that long to eat. This broke off WW III between the two us. Our whole weekend got ruined by food. He took off leaving me there and I had no way of contacting him, when I finally flund him he completely ignored me and made me cry in front of all those people because he was being mean.
I wish he would understand my point of view in this whole situation but he doesn't. My thinking is. Why eat at McDonalds when we are out of town if we have one back home? Why not experience new foods and visit new restaurants or eat at your favorite restaurant? He is different. He is cheap to the point that he will have us sleep in the car instead of renting a hotel for one night. Dont get me wrong we do rent hotels but sometimes we dont. He is cheap when going out to eat or shopping. What bothers me is that he buys rolex watches and yet he complains of how expensive the food or clothes are. This is not the first time we fight over something stuover a restaurant. Wow. Now that I read it over. We sound like two children. This is ridiculous.

Can someone please tell me if I sound ungrateful? I wish I could see what he sees on me. Maybe I would understand him.
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Old 05-29-2012, 01:09 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: am I an ungrateful wife?

Tell me. Is your husband the youngest child? He certainly acts like it. Sounds like you are married to a little boy.
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Old 05-29-2012, 01:33 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: am I an ungrateful wife?

Do you work outside the home? Or if you have a job, does he earn the lion's share of your joint income?

Sorry but you do both sound like children.

I agree that part of the reason for a trip like that is to eat a really good restaurant. But if it's a place that has very long waiting times there are things you both can do to plan for this. One is to make reservations if they take them. If the wait is going to be long, eat something small before you go to hold you over. Plan on walking around and talking for the 2 hour wait. Plan….

It sounds to me like that two of you were hungry and hence not in a very good mood, and that this is true more so of your husband than of you. So plan.

Your husband’s use of ‘ungrateful’ sounds like there is a lot more going on then just a hunger or low blood sugar induced squabble.

By the way, no your husband did not make you cry. You chose to cry. You put on a show in a public place, why? You have 100% control over how you react to his actions. Why did you choose to do this?
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Old 05-29-2012, 01:46 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Your husband’s use of ‘ungrateful’. By the way, no your husband did not make you cry. You chose to cry. You put on a show in a public place, why? You have 100% control over how you react to his actions. Why did you choose to do this?
I disagree. I don't always have control over my tears.
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Old 05-29-2012, 03:39 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: am I an ungrateful wife?

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So My husband said "forget it" since we were starving by that time. I asked him if we would come back to the reataurant to buy one of my favoritea desserts at least but he said he didnt know with an irritated look. By that time he was getting irritated. We went to the next restaurant and they told us that the wait time would be 1 hour 45 mins. By this time it was obvious he was irritated. So I asked him "what do we do? Should we wait or go look for another restaurant?"
You seem to be very deferential to your husband. Why can't you make the decision? I know that my wife wouldn't 'ask' me as though I was her father, she would make a suggestion and we would talk about it.

Maybe the pressure of always having to make the decisions is what caused him to get irritated?
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Old 05-29-2012, 03:41 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: am I an ungrateful wife?

That's the worst, feeling hungry AND getting grouchy with one another. My honest opinion? You might not like it...but my perspective on what you have written is that you put your man in a no-win situation. I'll speculate that he felt disappointed too about not going to the restaurant that had the 2hr wait - because he knew that's what you wanted and most of the time, men want to provide for their wives.

The next restaurant had a wait too and you asked him what you should both do. It sounds like you ranted about not wanting to eat at a burger place because you wanted to eat at the restaurant. You were both hungry but there was a wait time. So he tried to appease you by putting you on the wait list and then that wasn't the right thing by you either. You had a go at him for that. Sounds to me like he couldn't catch a break from you.

I wasn't there, I'm just going by what I pick up from your post. In my opinion, there's a lot to be said for rolling with the punches. I wonder how the scenario would have played out if after the first restaurant, you'd simply shrugged it off and told him you'd both make the best of the morning regardless? It feels to me you were pushing for something that just wasn't going to happen and is it possible you threw a bit of a tantrum about that? You were then both hungry on top of that which likely sparked even more agitation.

I'm not saying he's innocent in all this. Taking off and leaving you is not a mature way of handling things. It sounds like you both need to approach these sorts of situations differently. Start with yourself and see how it goes.

I wouldn't be down with sleeping in the car. I don't know what that's about, but your post was largely about the restaurant scenario so I've stuck with responding about that. It didn't sound like he wanted to eat at the burger place because it was cheap. It sounds like it was a quick easy option for his hunger. Next time, reservation if possible, keep some snack bars or fruit handy (lol), and perhaps it's worth trying to roll with it and let go a bit more. What do you think?
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Old 05-29-2012, 03:50 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: am I an ungrateful wife?

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He took off leaving me there and I had no way of contacting him, when I finally flund him he completely ignored me and made me cry in front of all those people because he was being mean.
Sorry sweetheart but don't blame him for crying 'in front of all those people'. It sounds like you got yourself worked up and maybe the only way he knew how to deal with that was to shut down/ignore you.

So was it really about the food/restaurant for you? Why such a volatile reaction about it?
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Old 05-29-2012, 04:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: am I an ungrateful wife?

When angry and irritated women cry, men shut down and act grouchy ... you both took out your natural reactions ... plus maybe he was doing most of the driving and wanted to eat well too ... dont think too much about it ...
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Old 05-29-2012, 04:19 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: am I an ungrateful wife?

I do not think you are ungrateful but I do find the whole situation a silly one to have become such a big deal. I would venture a guess that he ignored you because he was too upset to talk at ALL. You chose to cry in front of people and that is a fact because you could have excused your self to a less public area if the emotions were going to over take you despite and effort not to cry in front of others.

If I were you I would apologize for letting such a situation get the best of you. You should have tried to save the rest of the trip by eating a hamburger with hubby. Sure you could have gotten one back home but you could have had a good time getting one where you were. Who cares if he ever understand your point of view you want to make things better then stop trying to be right apologize for your behavior and hand in the silly mess and move the heck on.

Everyone has a story where things did not work out well but they are just that, stories! This is just a thing that happened and you should let it go stop blaming and just move on. You don't have to be right he was not all wrong and holding on to it is taking one weekend with the last day ruined home with you. The first part of the trip was not bad right? SO talk about that and leave the petty negative behind you. IMO that is what you should do.

Good luck.
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Old 05-29-2012, 08:18 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Sorry sweetheart but don't blame him for crying 'in front of all those people'. It sounds like you got yourself worked up and maybe the only way he knew how to deal with that was to shut down/ignore you.

So was it really about the food/restaurant for you? Why such a volatile reaction about it?
I don't know if I should blame him for my crying. I guess I was crying because I was angry he'd left me without saying anything. Where he was going. How would you feel if your husband left you stranded in a city you didn't kknow anybody? I bet you would feel scared like I did. It also brought back memories of the time he left me stranded in a parking lot at midnight and I had to ask a stranger for a ride. Maybe all of what he has done and continues doing is what made me cry.
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Old 05-29-2012, 08:28 AM   #11 (permalink)
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You seem to be very deferential to your husband. Why can't you make the decision? I know that my wife wouldn't 'ask' me as though I was her father, she would make a suggestion and we would talk about it.

Maybe the pressure of always having to make the decisions is what caused him to get irritated?
God forbid I make a decision on my own. He is a chauvanish in my opinion, he believes "he's the head of the house" and he makes all the decisions. There is also a big gap of age difference. He feels like he has more experience than I and thinks I will screw up because I dont have the experience he has. At least that his excuse ffor behaving like that.
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Old 05-29-2012, 08:36 AM   #12 (permalink)
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God forbid I make a decision on my own. He is a chauvanish in my opinion, he believes "he's the head of the house" and he makes all the decisions. There is also a big gap of age difference. He feels like he has more experience than I and thinks I will screw up because I dont have the experience he has. At least that his excuse ffor behaving like that.
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I think that your husband may then be suffering from a condition known scientifically as controllingassholism.

Any man who has to proclaim himself 'head of the household' and puts his wife down like that is weak and insecure.
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Old 05-29-2012, 10:41 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: am I an ungrateful wife?

Well, I don't wait 2 hours to eat anywhere, not even at the White House! And he was grumpy -- do you not get grumpy when you are hungry?

I'm sure there might be some deep issues in your marriage, but this anecdote wasn't really chosen to highlight them. Maybe you can think about what the real issues are, and repost?
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Old 05-29-2012, 11:29 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: am I an ungrateful wife?

We've been in this situation before. We rarely ever go out to eat at restaurants that don't take reservations for this reason - waiting 2 hours is RIDICULOUS. However, there are a couple of restaurants that I really enjoy, that do not take reservations and we will go to them maybe once every two years. Cheesecake Factory is one of them.

First of all, we make sure we never arrive STARVING, because that just makes the wait miserable. Usually we wait at the bar and have a few drinks before dinner to pass the time, and nine times out of ten we actually find ourselves enjoying that long wait because we get a chance to connect and get lost in conversation.

I could definitely see my husband getting grouchy if he was hungry and had to wait. However, he would never LEAVE me at the restaurant and take off - that is just crazy. We might get angry at each other but we would never make a public spectacle out of it.

You should not have let this ruin your night. Usually when we are faced with decisions like these, we would have put our name on the list at the #1 restaurant and either visited a couple others or called them from the lobby to ask if any of them had a shorter wait. If not, we would have stayed put and just waited it out.
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Old 05-29-2012, 11:36 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: am I an ungrateful wife?

I agree with Iamaga that you may have chosen a story that doesn't begin to address the real issues.

When he tells you you're ungrateful, I would bet he's really trying to say that he doesn't feel appreciated. Think for a moment about how you express appreciation to him. Since you used the restaurant example, I'll go with it even though it's maybe not the best one.

If things had gone perfectly and you'd had a terrific meal at your first choice, what would have happened? Would you say thank you? Would you have wild monkey sex because you know it'd mean a lot to him? Would you spend two hours preparing his favorite meal to reciprocate?

When it doesn't go your way, are you willing to give him credit for trying and settle for less, or do you insist on getting something comparable even when he feels like he has failed?

My guess is that you think a "thank you" is enough to show appreciation, but will spend MUCH more time fighting to get your own way. I encourage you to spend MORE time on thanks yous than expressing disappointment if you want your marriage to be a happy one.

It sounds like you both could practice some empathy.
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