General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Me and my husband have been married for 2 years now. We have a wonderful 9 month old baby. Since i got pregnant, my husband has changed a lot. We were having trouble conceiving at first which made me think that he would be super kind and sweat during my pregnancy but i was completely wrong. His happiness lasted only about 1 month. I hold many grudges against him for how he treated me when i was pregnant. Whatever i craved when i was pregnant, he would not buy me. He would start drinking with his friends early n the evening and not come back until 6 in the morning. Mind i say that at that time we had just moved into our new home and we didnt have tv, cable, furniture, just our bedroom set. So i was expected to stay in this room and entertain myself. I would have gone out with family or friends but we moved to a city were only his family stayed at and i didnt know anyone there. While i was pregnant, he would lie to me about working and he would go out n drink at his moms house with his friends. The only reason why i know this is because his phone accidentally called me 3 a.m and i heard him drunk as hell. When we would go grocery shopping and i would get contractions at the store, he would run into me with the cart n tell me i had to hurry my ass up because i was going to make him late for work. Everyone at the store noticed i was having contractions and he was rushing me and being a ****. The day after we had our baby instead of staying at home n resting, he made me go buy groceries and go pay bills, get laundery done, etc. I didnt stay home n rest while i was suppose to. At my 6 week check up doc said i should get 2 more weeks of rest because i was not healed enough to work but i went back to work because we needed the money. While my 6 week post partum i didnt get any help from anyone. I was all on my own with my newborn. He was no help to me because when i would ask him to watch our son while i showered, he would get mad and tell me to hurry up. If our baby started crying he would get furious and make me get out of the shower so i can make our baby stop crying. I have really not had too much help from him. He was a total ass to me. Now he is more patient with him. One day he crossed the line when our baby was crying, he called him a little b****. I was furious and kicked him out of the house and told him we were finished. He apologized and never again has he said anything bad to him or treated him bad. But he still treats me like s***. what should i do???
Do you have low self esteem? Do you think very little of yourself? If so, you will continue to stay with this man because you base your self worth/love on what this man can do for you. He bosses you around and you have said several time in your post, "He makes me" No actually he doesn't make you, I'm sure you do it out of fear which is bad enough.
IMO if you want to work things out and so does he it needs to be done without you being in the home right now. Two people can work on things with a counselor without you remaining in the home. To get you out of the shower to tend to the baby because he doesn't want to is by far ridiculous. Not to mention all the other things you have stated.
Find a nice safe place for you and your child and begin to work on seeking out a counselor. Either to help repair the marriage or at least get some advice on getting out of it, which sounds like a better option to me.
One day he crossed the line when our baby was crying, he called him a little b****. I was furious and kicked him out of the house and told him we were finished. He apologized and never again has he said anything bad to him or treated him bad. But he still treats me like s***. what should i do???
I will tell you what NOT to do! Do not keep kicking him out of the house and then taking him back because he said he was sorry! Do you see where that got you the first time you did that? He said he was sorry, you took him back but yet he is still treating you awful! Do you know why he is treating you awful? Because he can. He knows how you work and that you will take him back regardless. He is a controller, a manipulator and an abuser. I agree with trey,about thinking more of yourself, once you know you and your child deserve better, then you will no longer allow a man like this to treat you this way.
That doesn't sound like a real man. I view divorce as generally bad. This sounds like the kind of person that needs a massive change or needs to be divorced. This needs to be fixed now before the child is old enough that it would effect him. It will effect the child anyway of course, but maybe if you don't get a real man from your husband there is a chance of finding a real man without him.
He is manipulating you, because he seems to have this thought very certainly fixed in his head that no matter how he's gonna treat you, you're going to gulp it all and stay with him. He has started taking you for granted, and it looks like having the baby has made him believe that you're his slave. You need to give your guy a reality check, and walk out on him. You need to show him that you have your own identity, and have the half the share and authority of this marriage.
When he sees that you are no longer just a ragdoll and are very ready to move away from him; he will stop taking you for granted. Some guys inherently feel that women are totally dependent on them; giving those men a reality check is the solution to that.
You don't need to break your marriage. You should take your child, and stay away from him for a while. It'll be a much needed break for you as well from the abuse. Your absence will make him realize your worth, and he will come crawling back to you, God willing.
Wow, troubled, your post sounded so much like my first husband was (only worse!) Mine wasn't quite as bad, but he wouldn't watch the kids, tried to make me go to the store myself for pads my third day home, and grabbed my daughter's face and pushed her down in her crib while screaming "What the F*** is wrong with you" at her.
I left him, not then but eventually, because disrespectful behavior just gets worse and worse over time.
What I'd encourage you to do is start stashing some money - as much as you can without being caught out - so that you can have a way to get out when you decide it's time. Also, try to find a safe place to go if you ever need to. If you start learning to take better care of yourself, his behavior can escalate to worse physical abuse. A friend or family member's house would be ok, but if you're no longer around family then see if you have some domestic shelters in your area.
I know you hope it won't come to that, and I do too, but do these things as a "just in case."
Meanwhile, can you get yourself to a self-help group like Al-Anon or CoDA? They're free, can be found everywhere, and will help you learn how to set boundaries that can protect you and your child from this kind of emotional pain.
Individual counseling would be helpful, too, if you can get some. As others have said, you are not his ragdoll. It doesn't matter what people in the store see when he treats you badly. Their observations don't help you a bit. What *will* help you is learning how to be okay in your skin - to believe in yourself, uphold your rights as a human being, and to love yourself enough not to let people hurt you this way.
The strain of moving may be hard on both of you, but he has no right to behave that way, and you have no obligation to take it. Whenever he does, please remind yourself that you are making a choice to be there and go through it, and that you also have the freedom to make other choices.
Thank You for your advice. I feel the need to get away from him so he realizes that he cant take me for granted. I just fear that if we do separate, he will leave me and file for divorce and try to get custody of our child. I know he treats me this way because he takes me for granted. I sit him down and talk about this with him but it seams like he doesn't take me serious. He says his problem with me is cursing at him, but the reason i do that is because he starts complaining about how he has to go to bed early because hes got work the next day and cant be missing sleep because of our child, or because I took to long coming home from work, or other stupid reasons. He says i have no respect for him anymore and truly i dont. I have lost respect for him since he started treating me this way. I know for a fact he has anger issues, i fear that marriage counciling is too expensive but its something i think will work. Is there anything else i can do to help repair this besides leaving him??
Thank You for your advice. I feel the need to get away from him so he realizes that he cant take me for granted. I just fear that if we do separate, he will leave me and file for divorce and try to get custody of our child. I know he treats me this way because he takes me for granted. I sit him down and talk about this with him but it seams like he doesn't take me serious. He says his problem with me is cursing at him, but the reason i do that is because he starts complaining about how he has to go to bed early because hes got work the next day and cant be missing sleep because of our child, or because I took to long coming home from work, or other stupid reasons. He says i have no respect for him anymore and truly i dont. I have lost respect for him since he started treating me this way. I know for a fact he has anger issues, i fear that marriage counciling is too expensive but its something i think will work. Is there anything else i can do to help repair this besides leaving him??
In a word, NO.
If you want your marriage to work you'll do what you have to do, damn the cost.
Personally, I don't see much to hang on to. He's a jerk.
yes i do have low self esteem. Very low. I always saw myself as an independent happy smart girl full of life until I got with him. Now i think im the complete opposite. He has braught my self esteem down a lot. He doesn't try to help me out at all, he says im always *****ing about how i want him to watch our baby and get off the computer or about what he needs to do. So now i dont ask him for help. He has defenetly changed who I am now. I cry sometimes because things have changed so much. This isnt the marriage i ever saw myself in. I am never happy with him unless hes in a good mood. He never takes me out, maybe only to fast food and thats it. He never gets me any gifts not for my birthday, mothers day. He did get me a rose for valantines day but that was only because i kept telling him that I love roses, and for xmas, he got me an expensive perfume that i told him my dad got my mom and she always wore it. He didnt take the time to buy me anything. He just picked it out because i had mentioned it. I always go above and beyond for him. I save up money and buy him a nice gift for every occasion. But now that he stopped, i didnt buy anything for his bday, for valantines day, nor will i for fathers day.
Troubled, you need to stop cursing at him. There's no excuse for it. Even if you don't respect him or like him, you're wrong to do that and it will never help your situation.
Don't bring yourself to that level and teach your child that it's ok to treat people that way. Just don't do it.
If you're worried about divorce and custody, document each instance of mistreatment. Include bare bones facts about what happened, when, and details like how many times he bumped you with a cart. Get witnesses to sign something saying what they saw.
And then do what I said above - stash money and find a safe place.
Don't leave in hopes that he will see the light and wake up and no longer treat you poorly, because I doubt that will work. This is a man clearly with some issues that needs some therapy. If you leave it needs to be for your sanity and well being not in hopes it changes him. Without some kind of therapy and accountability for his actions, he will likely continue on in this pattern as long as you play his game.
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