General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I’ve been reading this forum for a while, and I would like to vent and would appreciate any kind of opinion. I generally have a good relationship with my husband except for one thing. He works and goes to school part time, so he is very busy. This has been going on for around 10 years. We very rarely go on vacation as he spends all his vacation time studying. We also very rarely have a full weekend together. I am very resentful because of that, and I told him about it. His response is usually that there is nothing he can do, he has to finish school, once he is done things will be different. I have a very good job myself and make more than twice of what he does. Our sex life has been routine, but satisfying. But lately my sex drive is completely through the roof and it is driving me insane. He is not interested in doing it this often. It is literally all I can think about. I work out regularly so my energy level is relatively high. I’ve tried to discuss it with him, and he pretty much said that it is mean of me to bring this up as he is doing everything he can for me.
We do have occasional fights that turn bad. We had one a couple of weeks ago, and I almost feel like something snapped in me. I feel like I want to leave, but I am really afraid of making a wrong decision.
What’s the point of being married? I make most money, I am mostly on my own and have to entertain myself.
Am I selfish for not supporting my husband more in his desire to go school? When he is available, things are great, but he usually is not. It has been going on for so long, I feel like it is never ending.
To make matters worse, i came across the “50 shades of grey” book. I’ve read it in like 1 weekend. The guy in the book is all I can think about now. I know he is not real, but he is exactly what I think I want. I’ve also tried to get my husband to try some of the things in the book. I’ve asked if he would read it, and he said he is not going to read anything for fun until he is done school. That really hurt me, and I feel like if a hot guy comes along, I will be unable to resist. I am very much conflicted at this point as I am not a cheater, and I was always proud of my morals. But I don’t care any more – I just want to have hot sex.
I guess my story is as old as this world, and there are tons of those on this forum about people with different sex drives. You either have to live with this or divorce. I can’t seem to be able to do either. I feel like cheating is my only solution. I would almost want my husband to find out – perhaps it would realize how much it hurts or perhaps he would leave. Both ways are better than the current situation.
I guess my question is: is there anything I can do or say to my husband to make him understand?
Please help.
Do tell him what you have told us here - that you are consdiering it, but don't want to, so you want him to work with you to fix things. Then suggest counseling.
I did tell him that I felt like cheating, and he didn't take me seriously. He didn't believe that I would actually do it.
We've tried counselling - two of them, but didn't like either. One was creepy, and the second one was focusing on small unimportant things.
Grisha, honey, you don't want counseling. "one was creepy, and the second one was focusing on small unimportant things."
Are you sure they were small unimportant things? Really? You have training?
You want out. That's fine. That's completely acceptable. But just do it. Don't cat around until he leaves you. Take responsibility for your own emotions and your own actions, and just leave.
What’s the point of being married? I make most money, I am mostly on my own and have to entertain myself.
You sound quite self-sufficient. If you have the ability to make it on your own, then go for it. I don't know how old you are, but you are probably young enough to start over and find another man sometime down the road, who will be a better match for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by grisha
I’ve asked if he would read it, and he said he is not going to read anything for fun until he is done school. That really hurt me ...
Not trying to take sides here, but I sympathize with your husband. After reading about a zillion court decisions and taking never-ending law courses, the last thing I wanted to do when I graduated was read anything ... unless it had lots of pictures!
Quote:
Originally Posted by grisha
But I don’t care any more – I just want to have hot sex. ...I feel like cheating is my only solution. I would almost want my husband to find out – perhaps it would realize how much it hurts or perhaps he would leave. Both ways are better than the current situation.
I guess my question is: is there anything I can do or say to my husband to make him understand?
Please help.
If you want your husband to leave, then sit down and have THE TALK with him. There are people on TAM who are devastated, and have almost been destroyed, when they learned about their spouse's affair. You don't have to hurt him that much to let him know you are unhappy with the way things are. Please note, that what you want and what you feel are not in a vacuum here; your wants and feelings are in a marriage.
Yes, it does sound as if your husband isn't listening to you. But something drastic like an affair to make him leave? Bad idea. Very, very bad idea. Hold your head high, maintain your dignity, and end the marriage if you feel the need to do so.
P.S. - What your husband WILL "understand" if you cheat on him, is you are a person not to be trusted or respected. JMO.
I agree with TAG. Don't cheat and try to remember that what your husband is doing now (school and work) is going to benefit both of you down the road and I'm sure he actually wants to be the best he can for you. Cheating will destroy this.
Talk to him and find out how much more time of his will be needed to get his degree. Than talk about how you can work around this. Would he be willing to take summers off so the two of you could re-connect?
If you cheat, you'll not only hurt him, you'll hurt yourself.
I did tell him that I felt like cheating, and he didn't take me seriously. He didn't believe that I would actually do it.
We've tried counselling - two of them, but didn't like either. One was creepy, and the second one was focusing on small unimportant things.
Sometimes the urge for sexual expression can completely eliminate sound judgment and result in rash decisions that are often regretted later in life. Every time you have the urge to leave, there is probably something stopping you. That something is usually "sound judgment". Often times that moment is the best time to follow your gut. Is it telling you to run? Or is there significant hesitation? I would follow your gut...
I did tell him that I felt like cheating, and he didn't take me seriously. He didn't believe that I would actually do it.
We've tried counselling - two of them, but didn't like either. One was creepy, and the second one was focusing on small unimportant things.
Either find a counselor that you do "click" with or leave.
Again, don't cheat. You seem to think that cheating will wake him up and cause him to address these issues. Perhaps it will, but it is far more likely that he will kick you out and divorce you. After people find out, you will be a divorced woman with fidelity issues. It may be tough to find another guy with that resume. So, for a third time - don't cheat. Be honest, even if it hurts, because it is much better than the alternative.
Grisha, what do you get from being married? What did you used to get?
Cheating isn't going to solve your problem, which is that your husband has disconnected emotionally from you.
You said his reply is "I can't help it. I have to finish school." You can remind him that he's prioritizing school over his marriage and insist on a change. Maybe it'll take him longer to finish school, but so what? Maybe you can decide to move out and live as a single person while he finishes school so that you can BOTH meet your own needs and let the marriage suffer in the process. Maybe you can leave or have affairs, let him finish school, and both of you move on from the chapter in your life where you were married and unwilling to support each other in ways that mattered to both of you.
It may be helpful if you'll consider how much sex and/or affection is the minimum you can live with while he completes school. If he's being intimate once a week, would you be satisfied? Maybe eight times a week wouldn't keep you happy. If you can give him a solid target to work with, you'll both know if he's doing what he needs to. If you're still not satisfied, then it's up to you to change your expectations.
Just seeing the title, my answer was "don't cheat". My answer didn't change as I read the post. More like skimmed. My attention span sucks lately. Anyway, yea...don't cheat. Regardless of what you end up doing regarding your marriage, either staying or ending, eventually...it will do more harm than good. Sit down, talk it out with your husband. Figure out what you both are gonna do. If his schooling is more important than the marriage, well, then leave him. But, and I can't stress this enough......
I’ve been reading this forum for a while, and I would like to vent and would appreciate any kind of opinion. I generally have a good relationship with my husband except for one thing. He works and goes to school part time, so he is very busy. This has been going on for around 10 years. We very rarely go on vacation as he spends all his vacation time studying. We also very rarely have a full weekend together. I am very resentful because of that, and I told him about it. His response is usually that there is nothing he can do, he has to finish school, once he is done things will be different. I have a very good job myself and make more than twice of what he does. Our sex life has been routine, but satisfying. But lately my sex drive is completely through the roof and it is driving me insane. He is not interested in doing it this often. It is literally all I can think about. I work out regularly so my energy level is relatively high. I’ve tried to discuss it with him, and he pretty much said that it is mean of me to bring this up as he is doing everything he can for me.
We do have occasional fights that turn bad. We had one a couple of weeks ago, and I almost feel like something snapped in me. I feel like I want to leave, but I am really afraid of making a wrong decision.
What’s the point of being married? I make most money, I am mostly on my own and have to entertain myself.
Am I selfish for not supporting my husband more in his desire to go school? When he is available, things are great, but he usually is not. It has been going on for so long, I feel like it is never ending.
To make matters worse, i came across the “50 shades of grey” book. I’ve read it in like 1 weekend. The guy in the book is all I can think about now. I know he is not real, but he is exactly what I think I want. I’ve also tried to get my husband to try some of the things in the book. I’ve asked if he would read it, and he said he is not going to read anything for fun until he is done school. That really hurt me, and I feel like if a hot guy comes along, I will be unable to resist. I am very much conflicted at this point as I am not a cheater, and I was always proud of my morals. But I don’t care any more – I just want to have hot sex.
I guess my story is as old as this world, and there are tons of those on this forum about people with different sex drives. You either have to live with this or divorce. I can’t seem to be able to do either. I feel like cheating is my only solution. I would almost want my husband to find out – perhaps it would realize how much it hurts or perhaps he would leave. Both ways are better than the current situation.
I guess my question is: is there anything I can do or say to my husband to make him understand?
Please help.
No you should not cheat. Yes you are selfish.
How close is your husband to finishing his education? Ten years is a long time.
You could sit down with him and ask him if you should be cheating.
You guys should do His Needs Her Needs together. Yeah I know when he is done with school. There you can make a point that you do not have a need for him to make a lot of money. But his career is more than just money. Maybe he has an issue with him making soe much less than you.
Perhaps since you mentioned cheating to him you should tell him you want a divorce. You can no longer wait to have sex in your life. You need to divorce him and find a man to bang you. Yes say that. Exactly that. Maybe he will take that seriously.
Seriously, I didn't get past the title of your thread and where you say you've been reading here for a while. What kind of question is "Should I Cheat?" to ask on a MARRIAGE forum?? Wow.
Seriously, I didn't get past the title of your thread and where you say you've been reading here for a while. What kind of question is "Should I Cheat?" to ask on a MARRIAGE forum?? Wow.
Good point. I missed that line... Was it the first sentence? Sorry, I was looking for her justification. But yea, reading this forum for awhile and STILL felt she should ask if she should cheat? Yea....
Well, you are all absolutely right.
I don’t want counseling any more as I didn’t have good experience trying it. When we went to see the first creepy one, her office was at her house, and it was full of staff. I mean almost hoarding style. I am sorry, but I couldn’t go back there. The second one had a nice office. She asked me for some examples of how my husband doesn’t listen to me. I said that he drives aggressively. Perhaps, it was a wrong example, but it came to mind at the time. I’ve asked him not to drive like that numerous times, and he ignores me. The counsellor suggested to him to drive at the speed limit for a week and see what happens. He agreed. I knew right there and then that he was not going to drive the speed limit ever. I didn’t say anything, but wanted to see what happens. And of course, he did not. Driving the speed limit was not the point.
At the back of my mind I know that I do need to divorce him, but I just can’t. We’ve been together for 15 years, and I am 35. We were extremely attracted to each other at the beginning, and we still are. I cannot look at him without wanting to seduce him right then and there. I am not sure if he still feels the same. He says he does, but it doesn’t show.
I know I come across as very selfish, but this is who I am.
I am self-sufficient, but I don’t want to be.
I live by ‘grass is not greener’, so I don’t know if I can find someone who is a better match.
I’ve tried vibrators and masturbation, but they leave me feeling – “what the f***?” It just feels so lonely and unemotional.
I have told him that I wanted to divorce before, he promised that he would do all the things that I was asking. He usually lasts around a week.
Sorry, my title was not the best. But it was the first thing that came to mind and descriptive.
I told him that the amount he is making is sufficient, I don't think it is about that.
He promised me 4 years ago that he was going to finish school in 2 years. Now he is saying he will be done in the fall. But I feel like there will always be something more important in his life.
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should i cheat? 
