General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
When I point out something that darling has done that strikes me as unfair, this is the normal pattern. For instance, when the Lord of Downton Abby almost cheats, my ear got flicked pretty hard.
Me: Hey, that hurt.
Her: (angry) it should have
Me: what did I do?
Her: you're a man
Me: sheesh
When Abby starts kissing another man on "the firm", I get flicked on the ear again.
Me: what the hell, SHE is cheating - she's a she
Her: She's kissing a MAN
Me: SHE is married, he is single
Me: I think you owe me something - give you a hint - rhymes with geology
Round 1: (please keep in mind that banter is foreplay for us)
her: what?
Me: you know WHAT
Her: you'll be fine (this is non apology version 1)
Me: the interest rate on non-apologies is currently set at 12 percent
Non apology version 2 is: let's not split hairs
Version 3: let's move on, I know I have
Version 4: really we're good
Version 5: I accept your humble apology
Version 6: I'm Sorry (said in an irritated voice) meaning: I'm sorry I got caught
The good news is, this is all humorous fitness testing. When pressed she is fully capable of a sincere and unconditional apology. Posted via Mobile Device
If there's been playful banter and teasing (not hurtful) it usually comes in the form of a goofy tone, or occasionally I will call him Batman as a term of endearment. So if it's been silliness, I might say "I'm sorry, Batman"
If he owes me an apology for silly banter, I might suggest in a more sassy tone "Hey Bruce Wayne! I think you're forgetting something.." which makes him laugh and then he'll say sorry. Usually our silliness doesn't actually require apology though.
For serious matters, I tend to apologize quickly. I'm not one for holding grudges and once I've seen the part I've played and considered his perspective, the apology is there. I feel like I might be missing the point of your thread though.
I don't apologize unless I mean it, and I won't do it half-assed, either.
Apologies are a massive pet peeve for me... When it's not sincere, it's just a slap in the face...
I don't know you're background, but it seems like your wife is harboring resentment and unleashing it in small doses of irritating behavior and commentary. This would get old FAST, (for me). Posted via Mobile Device
It's only a game on playful stuff. When either of us has truly fvcked up we either volunteer an apology, or we give it when our spouse calls foul.
I would not stay with someone who is not willing to apologize when they are wrong. Actually you will find in many sexless marriages, the refuser laid the groundwork for stopping sex via behavior outside the bedroom. And one of the first big steps in that direction, is the cessation of apologies. It is a very dominant move - it says: you don't matter enough to warrant an apology, even when I am wrong.
We (my wonderful wife) and I briefly flirted with disaster. I became very passive for about two years and during that time she became steadily more aggressive. Really interesting dynamic actually. At peak this is what happened - and there was nothing funny about it.
She would do something blatantly wrong, and I would point it out. And her response was "not a problem".
After about two months I stepped up and said "WTF does (not a problem) mean"?
And then I firmly forced the issue. Within a month that speech pattern disappeared, and "I am sorry" returned.
Culturally - men born in the 30's and 40's (and earlier) were apology resistant. The pendulum has swung the other way now.
So it is true that my W and I play this "game" but only because I find it entertaining. Last weekend she was a bit off, and Sunday night without any prompting from me, she sad she was very sorry for being a bltch the whole weekend.
QUOTE=heartsbeating;784247]If there's been playful banter and teasing (not hurtful) it usually comes in the form of a goofy tone, or occasionally I will call him Batman as a term of endearment. So if it's been silliness, I might say "I'm sorry, Batman"
If he owes me an apology for silly banter, I might suggest in a more sassy tone "Hey Bruce Wayne! I think you're forgetting something.." which makes him laugh and then he'll say sorry. Usually our silliness doesn't actually require apology though.
For serious matters, I tend to apologize quickly. I'm not one for holding grudges and once I've seen the part I've played and considered his perspective, the apology is there. I feel like I might be missing the point of your thread though.[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
If I'm out of character and being picky with him, he calls me on that crap real quick. It might take a moment, a breath, for me to realize he's right and then it's a sincere apology. I suppose same goes from me too. Especially since our reset. Now we're of the mindset of "It's better out than in." Doesn't mean we don't consider one another in the way we communicate but it's about nipping it in the bud then and there. We'd lost our way with that. I questioned whether we ever had it but we had. Thinking back, I recognize even in the very early days of dating, it was there.
The endearing and goofy apologies are usually not needed. That's playful stuff, it's not hurtful.
Because my W says sorry so often for things that are non-existant I find when she does apologise often I regard her words as insincere. Give me actions over words anyday.
Because Me & my husband are so very very close...when one of us is upset with the other, we are both bothered by this terribly......especially if it is more emotionally intense.... a little bit of grouchiness is rather nothing .....we end up joking about it -who pi**ed in your cornflakes, Or I will ask him what the H is wrong with him today.... we don't get offended by stuff like this.... we eventually get over our attitudes (a little humor helps)... might say a word or 2 later about being sorry we were grouchy. He has apologized to me, and I have him - but those aren't even anything significant. Just a bad day, a little ranting going on, little to even do with each other many times.
But if it gets more intense...more personal....more emotional...... we are near worthless to the world until we "make up" & come together again.
... Nothing ever lasts more than a few hours with us. It is near non existent for us to go to bed angry....There might have been a couple times in our entire marraige of 22 yrs but very very rare.
If I start something (yes, generally it is ME!!... I am the unruly one)... I will always go to him and humble myself (as I should)...and I mean it from the heart... many times with tears... knowing I was the bad one, the impatient one, or the one worrying about something that causes me to be in a bad mood....and take it out on him. I never had pms I swear until I hit my 40's, hormones going mad... I can often feel that cloud coming over me. He is very gracious & understanding of me.
.... Even if I slam a door to get away from him, trying to act all pi**ed off in the moment... I generally can't stay away longer than 20 minutes & end up marching right back to him.... cause I am miserable.....I can see the corner of a on his face when I do this.... even if he tries to hide it, then I might start laughing...then we are both ...softening up to each other....or I might get all mushy telling him how freaking pathetic I am -cause I can't stay away.... but he loves this..... eats that right up. Then we're back in each others arms.... Storm over, the sun is shining again.
Our fights are generally stupid anyway, so it is always very easy for us to forgive each other. We are both very sensitive...in how the other feels .... but yet very forgiving.
Thank God or we'd be in a mess!!
My husband thinks one of the biggest problems in marraiges is people are stubborn and can't admit a wrong. We both would agree with this >>>
That's a very interesting question, because the way that we apologize (or not) tells a lot about how we view the relative roles in our marriage.
My wife grew up with some very strong feminists in her family. She once admitted that one of the core values that had rubbed off was that a woman should rarely have to apologize to her husband, because it was the same as placing herself at a lower level than him. I don't think that she really saw that in the way her mother and aunts were applying this actually made them aloof, and alone in a couple of cases. But my wife said that she really wanted to break out of this mindset, and focus on a healthy marriage with healthy views about each other.
I began to see that the way we handled conflict, and even apologies, says a lot about how we handle the balance between our own self-interests and the health of the marriage. Although we came close to divorce a couple of years ago, but had great success in working through the issues, I have to admit that I've accepted certain practical assumptions about how good the relationship can really be. If every conflict still includes deflecting blame, or other games we use to avoid really dealing with the issue, or if pride is more important than a happy marriage, then the results speak for themself when it comes to the marriage.
I don't apologize unless I mean it, and I won't do it half-assed, either.
Apologies are a massive pet peeve for me... When it's not sincere, it's just a slap in the face...
I don't know you're background, but it seems like your wife is harboring resentment and unleashing it in small doses of irritating behavior and commentary. This would get old FAST, (for me). Posted via Mobile Device
Dog,
How is it progress - for her to have a blatant double standard and openly stick to it?
This is one reason people cheat. They feel entitled to do something they would not tolerate being done to them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Good Dog
My wife does not like to apologize at all, ever. Since her EA and basic meltdown at my expense about 18 mos ago, she's had to get used to apologizing at least some of the time though she still resists. This never happened at all before though in our 15 or so years together. Now she's got a new thing though of never apologizing for having double standards for everything, including perceived desire to cheat and related issues. But in a way it's a step forward for us because for years she had those double standards but I was unaware. Then for a time I was aware of them due to her making them obvious for once, but she denied them. Now she admits them but is utterly unapologetic. Oh well, baby steps I guess.
SA,
That is why the two of you are so well matched.
Being able to see your own role in conflict is really big.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous
Because Me & my husband are so very very close...when one of us is upset with the other, we are both bothered by this terribly......especially if it is more emotionally intense.... a little bit of grouchiness is rather nothing .....we end up joking about it -who pi**ed in your cornflakes, Or I will ask him what the H is wrong with him today.... we don't get offended by stuff like this.... we eventually get over our attitudes (a little humor helps)... might say a word or 2 later about being sorry we were grouchy. He has apologized to me, and I have him - but those aren't even anything significant. Just a bad day, a little ranting going on, little to even do with each other many times.
But if it gets more intense...more personal....more emotional...... we are near worthless to the world until we "make up" & come together again.
... Nothing ever lasts more than a few hours with us. It is near non existent for us to go to bed angry....There might have been a couple times in our entire marraige of 22 yrs but very very rare.
If I start something (yes, generally it is ME!!... I am the unruly one)... I will always go to him and humble myself (as I should)...and I mean it from the heart... many times with tears... knowing I was the bad one, the impatient one, or the one worrying about something that causes me to be in a bad mood....and take it out on him. I never had pms I swear until I hit my 40's, hormones going mad... I can often feel that cloud coming over me. He is very gracious & understanding of me.
.... Even if I slam a door to get away from him, trying to act all pi**ed off in the moment... I generally can't stay away longer than 20 minutes & end up marching right back to him.... cause I am miserable.....I can see the corner of a on his face when I do this.... even if he tries to hide it, then I might start laughing...then we are both ...softening up to each other....or I might get all mushy telling him how freaking pathetic I am -cause I can't stay away.... but he loves this..... eats that right up. Then we're back in each others arms.... Storm over, the sun is shining again.
Our fights are generally stupid anyway, so it is always very easy for us to forgive each other. We are both very sensitive...in how the other feels .... but yet very forgiving.
Thank God or we'd be in a mess!!
My husband thinks one of the biggest problems in marraiges is people are stubborn and can't admit a wrong. We both would agree with this >>>
I think because though I'm living under that unfair situation, now I know it. You're right that it's not real progress but I was speaking kind of facetiously. The standard remains unfair but I know about it now at least. For years she was afraid I'd cheat, so I thought "Wow, better be careful or her feelings will get hurt" though I never thought of cheating. Just never crossed my mind. But she is like that because she thinks of it a lot apparently. So she ruthlessly enforces these rules about me, though I never need them, but still has excuses for herself today despite everything. Yeah, she's entitled, but now I know it and she knows I know it, which strangely has made my life easier.
Dog,
You've actually said she's an abuse victim. People that should have cared for her didn't - and were actually cold and abusive.
She's easily triggered by fear of being abandoned - like ANYTIME she wishes you were paying attention and you aren't.
Her fear MUST be justified (or else she'd simply have to go to counseling and work on herself) .... so you must be doing SOMETHING.
18Likes
How does your wife apologize 
on his face when I do this.... even if he tries to hide it, then I might start laughing...then we are both 
...softening up to each other....or I might get all mushy telling him how freaking pathetic I am -cause I can't stay away.... but he loves this..... eats that right up. Then we're back in each others arms.... Storm over, the sun is shining again. 
