General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi! I just found this forum, I don't usually post on these types of things, but I figured it couldn't hurt.
My wife and I had a blow out (one of many, over the last couple of years.) 3 months ago, I came home from work 2 days later and she and my son were gone.
I know that things needed to change on my part or she would leave (she told me more then once that she would leave) I never really believed she actually would, but she did..
I found out that she had 2 emotional affairs. One guy she met in person a few months after meeting him online. (this is what she told me). She did say that the last guy she had a really hard time breaking it off. (that hurt).I can't say that i blame her in the least. I wasn't the ideal husband. I don't even know why she told me.
When i went to pick my son up for the weekend, my wife told me that she wants a divorce and I don't. I am willing to anything and everything I have to get her back, but she won't talk to me. When I bring it up she hangs up on me. She says that she is done, she said I have my several chances and I blew all of them.
I love her and I need to fix this. I can't live without her.
I realize that I left a lot of stuff out.. My mind is all over the place. If you want more information ask and I will fill in the blanks.
Nothing more needs to be explained. She is a serial cheater that has cheated on you more than once and blame shifts so that you think that it is your fault. No one is perfect yet that is the standard that she judges you by. You could not win because she did not want you to win and you let her be the prosecutor, judge, and jury. Bottom line is that she as been dating during your marraige and found someone else and amazingly has you thinking that it is your fault. It is not your fault. Man up and move on. She is not worth it.
Serial cheaters have a false sense of superiority because they are the ones that have someone else, but the truth is that you are the good person because you have values. Trust me when I say that there is someone out their for you that will appreciate you for the good person that you are. Do you want to know how I know that you are a good person? I know because a good person is always willing to accept blame and try to do better; cheaters exploit this.
I think you need to do the 180 (you can find info about this in the Coping With Infidelity forum. Do not contact your wife unless it has to do with your child.
While you own at least 50% of the troubles in the marriage, she owns 100% of the affairs. You are not responsible for her cheating. Remember that. You are only responsible for you.
Resolve to work on your issues to better yourself for your next relationship issue. If you have anger issues or are controlling, start counseling right away to deal with the issues so you will be a better person when the right woman comes along in your future
When i went to pick my son up for the weekend, my wife told me that she wants a divorce and I don't. I am willing to anything and everything I have to get her back, but she won't talk to me. When I bring it up she hangs up on me. She says that she is done, she said I have my several chances and I blew all of them.
The more you fight the D, the more she will want it. Agree with the D to defuse her.
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I love her and I need to fix this. I can't live without her.
Understand that you can't fix this and not only can you live without her, you'll be better off since she is a cheater.
I know you can't see it today but she is doing you a favor. The WORSE thing you can do right now is try to stop her from the D. If a R is possible, it will come from her with you out of the picture (she has to miss you over the course of a few months). Every time you interact with her it just puts another nail in the M coffin. You need to cut communications as much as possible and talk to a lawyer.
I'm afraid I don't agree with Try and Toffer on this one.
You said she had two emotional affairs. I don't call that "serial cheating" when you also say she repeatedly told you what she needed to see and you repeatedly ignored her because you didn't think she was serious about leaving. Those EAs were trial runs at seeing what would be out there for her if she left.
I'm sorry, but I can't empathize with you. I think you made your bed and now you don't want to lie in it. You need to start doing some things her way if you ever want her to believe you're committed to her well-being. That means go ahead and file for the divorce.
You can file for divorce and still make it clear that you want to fix the relationship, but it's not going to happen because you've made still more empty promises. It *might* happen if you get yourself to a counselor and get to the root of what makes you think you deserve your way in a relationship but your partner does not deserve hers and start living your whole life in a way that honors others' needs the way you honor your own wants.
Nothing more needs to be explained. She is a serial cheater that has cheated on you more than once and blame shifts so that you think that it is your fault. No one is perfect yet that is the standard that she judges you by. You could not win because she did not want you to win and you let her be the prosecutor, judge, and jury. Bottom line is that she as been dating during your marraige and found someone else and amazingly has you thinking that it is your fault. It is not your fault. Man up and move on. She is not worth it.
Serial cheaters have a false sense of superiority because they are the ones that have someone else, but the truth is that you are the good person because you have values. Trust me when I say that there is someone out their for you that will appreciate you for the good person that you are. Do you want to know how I know that you are a good person? I know because a good person is always willing to accept blame and try to do better; cheaters exploit this.
Again, move on and and good luck to you.
Thank you for your reply.
If things would have been different on my part it wouldn't have happened to begin with, I take 100% responsibly for my inaction. Did I make her have 2 affairs, no, but that does not mean, that I am also not accountable as to why she did.
You can never bkame yourself for what someone else does. You should learn the 180 and live it. Trust me. This is the best thing for you. Offer to do MC, but don't beg. You will look less attractive to her.
The more independent you become the more appealing you will be. No gaurentees that you can get her back, but this is the best you can do at this point. Again, don;t blame yourself!
you obviously care very much for your wife, want to keep your family intact, and feel somehow you've royally screwed up.
based on your verbal demeanor, i don't doubt you've truly made a mess of things.
i'm sorry for that.
i commend your forthright approach to your situation, and it's that forthrightness that affords you the best chance to save your marriage.
and so it's time to take inventory:
what exactly did you do so wrong
and how do you intend to correct it
think these thoughts through before presenting them to your estranged wife; she's listening very carefully.
it's late
Very true especially since OP said she warned him more than once that things needed to change, why didn't you heed the warnings? You took her for granted. She sought emotional fulfillment elsewhere, she told you to come clean. I am surprised she did but she needed to get it out and let you know that, for her, that was her level of unhappiness, and that it was hard to break it off before a PA (some marriages push people into an EA or PA-some spouses are just crazy and despite having everything they need at home go outside anyway) It sounds like you openly admit you were not giving her what she needed and she requested many times for you to... don't know if you can save it at this point or not. Have you asked her for counseling?
If she won`t even discuss the possibility of reconciliation you really have no recourse but to let her go.
I don`t know what went down between the two of you but you had better learn from it to make certain it isn`t a re-occuring theme in your future relationships.
To be honest, I neglected her. In turn she withdrew. I turned in to an ass.. I am not sure why exactly, but I shut her out.
While she was pregnant. I told her that we didn't have to have sex, I knew it would be uncomfortable for her. We didn't have sex for about a year. I turned to porn.. My wife has always had issues with it, but more so within the last 3 years, each time she found it it got worse, I would lie about it, try to hide it, but she would always find it, but i continued to do it. Instead of having sex with her, I would turn to porn. I would turn her down for sex, eventually she stopped coming to me. Porn was just easier.
That is what the last big blow out fight we had was about, that is always what the fights were about (and sex.) I would get defensive and blow up.
I had really no idea how porn really made her feel, because i was to busy flying of the handle about her snooping to listen.
Very true especially since OP said she warned him more than once that things needed to change, why didn't you heed the warnings?
I did good for a little while, then I would fall back in to the same rutt.
You took her for granted. I did take her for granted. I look back now and ask myself what in the f%^& i was thinking.
She sought emotional fulfillment elsewhere, she told you to come clean. I am surprised she did but she needed to get it out and let you know that, for her, that was her level of unhappiness, and that it was hard to break it off before a PA (some marriages push people into an EA or PA-some spouses are just crazy and despite having everything they need at home go outside anyway) It sounds like you openly admit you were not giving her what she needed and she requested many times for you to... don't know if you can save it at this point or not. Have you asked her for counseling? I have. She said she would think about it about a month ago.
I'm afraid I don't agree with Try and Toffer on this one.
You said she had two emotional affairs. I don't call that "serial cheating" when you also say she repeatedly told you what she needed to see and you repeatedly ignored her because you didn't think she was serious about leaving. Those EAs were trial runs at seeing what would be out there for her if she left.
Notcoping, Kathy is making an important point that I'm sure every single betrayed spouse in the whole wide wurld will agree with-
No betrayed spouse can, in good conscience, say that they were actually cheated on if their unfaithful spouse told them they needed to change at least twice.
Haha. Just kidding, I like to rephrase poorly thought out statements in a way that shows the lack of brain activity involved.
So moving on to a little bit more thoughtful commentary.
NC, you have identified some personal failings in your marriage. You were neglectful, mean, thoughtless at times. You have a bad porn addiction. And you have a really low self esteem problem that you need to fix ASAP.
Yeah, you didn't actually list low self esteem as one of your failings, but it's holding you down even as you read these threads.
Let me explain something to you.
YOUR WIFE IS UNFAITHFUL. She betrayed you. Multiple times that you know of. She doesn't love you.
Confronted with these wounds, a healthy confident man would pick himself up off the ground, do what he could to expedite the divorce, and then spend some time identifying his shortcomings as a mate, and FIXING THEM.
You have a couple of choices, here.
1) Beg, plead, and make a fool of yourself pursuing your wife, promising that "this time you'll change." The technical term for this behavior is "doormat." The place you will find yourself, relationship-wise, is known as "limbo," until your wife pushes through the divorce.
2) Hem, haw, and fail to take any active steps to assert some control over your life, while "giving your wife space." Still in limbo, but at least you won't be engaging in doormat behavior.
3) Do your best to grab control of your life. Start doing the 180. Get some counseling, to help you change your negative behaviors. Spend time with your friends. Make new friends. Pick up your old hobbies (not, not porn, lol). Find some new hobbies. Work on YOU. Give your wife "the gift of missing you."
If she decides she likes you after all, you can then sit down with her and calmly discuss why she has the morals of a dog in heat. If you still want her by then.
Good luck. Despite what some people say, you didn't do anything to merit being cheated on. If your behavior was so intolerable, a decent woman would have divorced you before she started dating other men.
Telling your spouse that you need them to change is justification for a lot of things, but infidelity isn't one of them.
You can file for divorce and still make it clear that you want to fix the relationship.
That seems counterproductive.
Either fix it or get a divorce but not both. At this point the balls in her court, if she wants out, and he doesn't, then she's the one who needs to take the next step.
At least until he accepts it's over and then he can go file.
Unless you're suggesting he file for divorce as some sort of manipulative tactic to "prove" to her he's willing to walk away even though he doesn't intend to go through with it. I don't agree with this strategy at all.
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Originally Posted by NotLikeYou
YOUR WIFE IS UNFAITHFUL. She betrayed you. Multiple times that you know of. She doesn't love you.
Confronted with these wounds, a healthy confident man would pick himself up off the ground, do what he could to expedite the divorce, and then spend some time identifying his shortcomings as a mate, and FIXING THEM.
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Wife wants a Divorce, I don't need help!! 
