Husband can be disrespectful - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-27-2009, 11:00 PM Thread Starter
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Husband can be disrespectful

I am wondering if there is anyone out there that thinks my situation is normal. My dh is a nice guy, charming, sensitive..easy to get along with most of the time. But alot of the times when we he might have a bit too much to drink he says the worst things to me. Just things that are very disrespectul like mocking me or calling me names or even insulting me/degrading me. I don't really fight that way and usually just keep it all inside and walk away. The problem is if I react to him the way he acts it could get out of hand. He never hits me or anything like that but his words are so evil sometimes. I could NEVER EVER in my life imagine acting that way to him or anyone with a PULSE! I'm actually kind of sick of it. I have told him that that is a bad way to discuss through problems but it's almost like it's all he knows. I now have been getting to the point of just wanting to call him every name in the book and play on his see how he would like it. I am a little old fashioned but mostly a modern day girl and I really have no idea what other people do in this situation or if it is even normal. This is what I know but I am wondering if husbands really talk to their wives in such a degrading way. He can be very charming and usually is a sweetheart..but there is this other side of him that can seem so heartless. I almost feel like I've fallen a bit out of love with him bc I really can't care for a person that treats me that way. Who would want that? Any thoughts?

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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-28-2009, 03:36 AM
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Re: Husband can be disrespectful

try and be the bravest girl you can be and leave , even if only for a short time.
make him realise that he cant treat you that way.
trouble is, this life you have with his issues, will continue on its merry go around.
it would be no diff if you met someone else.
like my continuous issues with my H were drink. they stil rear their head.
14 yrs later.
dont worry though. i told my H i dont want to be with him no more.
now he wants the quickest reconciliation ever.
nah not working on me this time. im finding me again whatever it takes.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-28-2009, 10:34 AM
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Re: Husband can be disrespectful

If my husband were to EVER say a single swear at me ESPECIALLY when drinking, I slap his head against a wall. lol. drinking and being so ignorant and coward like toward your wife is uncalled for, and if you put up with it, you should be ashamed of yourself. Speak up for yourself, tell him that what he does is not part of a marriage, tell him if he can't stop drinking and being a PR while he drinks, than you should take a LOA from the marriage until he smartens up. That is emotional abuse! Stop it now!

(polish blood in me, i respect myself enough not to allow ANY man speak to me like that) sorry if i am harsh!
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-28-2009, 09:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband can be disrespectful

You's almost very sad because I have NEVER put up with this kind of behavior from anyone...As the years go by with marriage and kids you almost lose sense of who you are ...for me anyway. I just didn't think this could be normal in marriages..At least not the one I signed up for. It's like what happened to the respect and consideration for the spouse? I am absolutely humiliated that I have even put up with this behavior. I finally mentioned it to a couple of my really close girlfriends and they were shocked....basically told me that i'm in a crappy situation. He usually says he's sorry the next day or way after the argument has died down but still it's starting to really make me re-examine him and his character. We've been together for about 9 years..have kids, house, all that stuff..I just feel so lost...I've pretty much just stopped loving almost. We have good days, great days but I still can't get over the fact that he would act that way towards me sometimes. Last night my thoughts were going off on him and I really just started to think that he was such a poor excuse for a human being. I would NEVER do that to him but yet he can literally talk down to me like I am a piece of trash. He used to get in my face and insult me to the lowest level of the earth..But then later on would say he was sorry and that he just gets defensive and that's how he reacts..He says he's ashamed of his behavior..But my question is when is enough..When is it time to really look at the truth of all of this. Thanks for listening.
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-28-2009, 09:36 PM
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Re: Husband can be disrespectful

My heart goes out to you... you do indeed seem lost. And i think it's about time you evaluate if you love him enough to continue being emotional abused and torn down.. an abuser only says sorry because he knows it will make you stay, but as you know.. it continues, he will not stop... you need to take control of your life, your happiness and how you want to live.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-29-2009, 12:02 AM
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Re: Husband can be disrespectful

If he only behaves this way after drinking, then don't hang out with him if he even has one sip of alcohol. Or better yet, have him be 100% sober. No one deserves to be treated disrespectfully.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-29-2009, 12:47 AM
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Re: Husband can be disrespectful

Originally Posted by Sensitive View Post
If he only behaves this way after drinking, then don't hang out with him if he even has one sip of alcohol. Or better yet, have him be 100% sober. No one deserves to be treated disrespectfully.
If its only when he's drinking, then leave when he's drinking.

"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-29-2009, 06:02 PM
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Re: Husband can be disrespectful

You know I read your posting and was floored by how your situation was like mine. It was almost as if I wrote it. I know this sounds crazy but it is nice to know I'm not the only one. I feel embarrsed to discuss my husbands emotional abuse with my friends. I know they would all want to kill me. I too have kids, house, and friends that have connected us for a long time. It's so hard to leave. I know I need to but it's so hard. Like you said he can be so sweet but there is something else in him I don't understand. Let me know how you end up handling this. Gosh I hate when people say your lost or poor you. For me it makes me feel worse.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-30-2009, 05:46 PM
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Re: Husband can be disrespectful

I was reading the other marrige problems thinking never ever going to find similar to mine untill i read this subject. Me and my husband married almost 4 years now and being together for about 7-8 years. Thanks god, no kids.

I had the same problem started on the first day of my marriage. Before that I only can remember once he shout at me and that was the time I had finnished with him and didnt want to see him long time.But he found the way to win my heart and about 1 year later we got married.

Ever since he changed! he is very nice and outside when he is with his family he said great things about me . He said to others that he loves me more than anything and he could never ever live without me.Open my car door or make sure I am ok and so on so on.One day he said to me how much he loves me But sometimes turned into an evil that i dont know if he is the same person. He never hit me or anything but sometimes I wish he did so I would have a proper reason to leave him.

I left him once went to stay with my friend who is living far away from where I live ,about 5 mounths ago. eversince he is not shouting or saying anything bad but still have problems such as he dont want to do anything what i want and always find an excuse for not to do it that i canot disagree. Even things are so important for me. Like my birthday or special days.

I think because I havent got my family in this country or real friends makes him even more selfish. .
He used to say that I work but not earning great money to live confortably on my own.

Penny dropped now!!!! He thinks I am vulnerable!!!

I tried to understand him or sometimes blamed myself. I was thinking what would I do without him or what I am going to say to others if I get divorse.

But now I dont care... I am 30 this year very pretty and clever.
The only thing I know I cant take this anymore...

Why should I spent rest of my life with someone that I always try to understand. I need someone who could understand me and respect me more that the others.

I think the trick is you need to make him understand that he is not owning you. You need to show him that you r with him because u want to, not because you need him.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-01-2012, 09:23 PM
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Re: Husband can be disrespectful

Al-anon, Al-anon, Al-anon. You will be in a room filled with people that understand your situation and can show you tools to help. It does not matter whether he is an alcoholic or not. The alcohol is a problem nonetheless. This is about you, not him. Put yourself first and get to an Al-anon meeting in your community. The path to serenity and self-love is there. I would like to suggest you make no major decisions until you get in there and give it a try, unless your children's or your own safety is at stake, then get to safety.

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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-01-2012, 10:46 PM
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Re: Husband can be disrespectful

Zombie thread alert... Original postings were from 2009.

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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-29-2015, 09:36 AM
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Re: Husband can be disrespectful

My turmoil has gone on for close to 30 yrs. There seem to be a few good times, punctuated with very long stretches of bad ones. It was not like I was totally clueless before my marriage either. So, I tell myself I should've known what I was getting into & backed away carefully. Thing is, I do recognize this bad trait in many other guys and men of no romantic interest. Off-handed disrespectful comments they'll make like: Don't you realize, women should KNOW they don't stand a chance in a man's world! I'm often shocked as to where the sheer ugliness comes from, but suspect maybe they thought I was trying to compete with them, although I'm not in any way.
The contentiousness more quickly has become a constant source of bewilderment for me. Maybe he recognizes how it affects my health and mood very poorly and decides he'll act somewhat civilly to me for awhile... until the next surprise attack. My preference is always to retreat and avoid exposure. After all, continuing to pay attention to it reinforces the undesirable behavior. I'm not inclined to stoop so low and indulge in reprehensible behavior towards anyone, least of all someone I believed I married to love and support & expected same in kind from. Early on I went for counseling, but he went only once, never again. I think his Mom told him that it was "my" problem, not his. I don't know whether it can be "fixed", but I continue to hold onto hope relentlessly that it'll get better... someday
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