General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
my wife is giving me the silent treatment for cooking too late at night. i admit, she's told me about this before but there's always some times where I can't avoid it (making the next day's lunch).
between the bouts of silent treatment she'll tell me that she plans to store away all of her items (pots, pans, small oven) precisely so i won't be able to do this in the future. "this will remove the point of contention."
NO idea how to go about it, and i feel that it's burying deeper issues re: control. i've apologized but it's no use.
she has a history of acting in a passive-aggressive manner when she's angry.
she has anger-management issues, lashing out when she is angry, veering from passive-aggressiveness to outright aggressiveness (when very angry, she will throw plates and break stuff-- in fact, she broke one of the appliances in question, a thick glass blender).
she doesn't get angry often, but when she does she really loses it. she has a bad habit of bottling up her anger until she explodes. then she follows up either with passive-aggressiveness, or by trying to plaster a "rational" face on some of her actions. for instance, one time we had a money argument and after yelling until she was blue in the face, she said "well, let's do completely separate accounts so you can do whatever you like and i can do whatever i like without having to argue."
not really a solution to a joint money problem, but...
she's been trying to deal with her anger issues by meditating and such, but as far as i can tell it's more of a coping mechanism rather than something that has truly resolved the deeper problems.
so there's a deeper thread to all this. i'm trying to get over this latest episode of silent treatment while looking at ways that can help her with the underlying problem.
thoughts about either the silent treatment issue or the anger management issue?
If I were you, I would have a talk with her. Go ahead and expect that she will likely get angry. Tell her, you feel her anger is out of control and it needs to be dealt with by a professional.Tell her its causing havoc in your relationship and that is not how you want it to be any longer. Ask her what does she want from the relationship? If she wants things to improve she needs to understand part of that will need to come from her, making some improvements by getting some help.
You need to be the one to call a counselor. Not for her really, but more so for you. Tell her you are seeking out help/suggestions from a professional, because you no longer know what to do. You need to go for yourself and tell the counselor what you told us here. It may or may not prompt her to go or make a appt herself. Bottom line you can only help you.
In the end, the bottom line will be, if she chooses to not seek help and continue to operate in the same manner as always, then you will need to make a choice on what you are willing to live with or not.
thoughts about either the silent treatment issue or the anger management issue?
She has to acknowledge the problems before any real progress can be made. This may require you to diffuse her mid-tantrum by calmly pointing out what she's doing and that you will choose not to participate if it continues to escalate. Walking away will have to become a regular coping method for you until she gets it.
The best thing for you to do right now, is tell her how her anger/silent treatment makes you feel, then walk away and go about your business. Its really all you can do if you choose to stay in this situation, because you can't fix her, she has to fix herself, and you have to take care of yourself.
It sounds like you're trying to keep the peace in your marriage, and I'm sorry that your wife is struggling with anger issues. I agree with the previous posters that it's a good idea for you to seek out counseling. I work at Focus on the Family, and they offer counseling over the phone for free. The counselors at Focus can also provide referrals to therapists in your area. You might also want to check out these articles about "Fighting Fair." Hope this helps, and that things improve for you soon. God bless you!
I have to agree with A Bit Much re: acknowledging the real problem(s). The solution to the anger is resolving the underlying issues that affect her. Deal with those issues, resolve them and the anger will be less prevalent in the relationship.
I do talk about this in my book Relationship Remedies: Relating Better to Yourself and Others, but I will briefly mention what I've written, here. I do not advocate passive aggressiveness but I do think silence is a very effective tool in dealing with bad behaviour. If you use a silent response, Descarado, you are not feeding her negative behaviour and thus, are not reinforcing it. This also makes her behaviour more palpable to her.
Silence can say a number of things and achieve a number of things. One of the things it can do is get her to look inwards at what is going on rather than looking outwards and focusing on how to retaliate to you. If she begins to look inwards she'll try to search for answers. If you get involved in the arguments and aggression it can just become a tit for tat scenario and little becomes accomplished.
Time is also great for letting angry people cool down and gather their thoughts. In the heat of the moment they do not always think straight. So much to say but difficult to say it all here.
Des, I posted a link in the other thread about emotional abuse that I think will help you understand some of what you're dealing with. I'll repost it here: Signs and Symptoms of Emotional Abuse
The two of you are fighting over "who has enough control to feel safe." I mean, seriously, cooking too late? I've certainly never heard that it's bad to cook after a certain time. Is there really a valid reason that NOBODY should cook after 10 pm or something?
During a calm moment, when you and your wife are getting along, you might consider having a discussion that's NOT initially about the two of you, but about a philosophy: When two people are involved in a marriage, is it more important for them to get their own way or to do what is best for the marriage?
Adopt an attitude that there aren't any right or wrong answers, just listen to her views. On those occasions when you do things her way, you can say, "This is not how I'd like to do things, but I will do it your way because our marriage is important to me." When issues get really big, you can ask her, "Can you please our marriage important in this one, because I'm not getting that impression from you right now."
Also, fair fighting techniques may help to some degree. I'm a bit wary of the effectiveness of fair fighting with an unwilling partner, though, and have found that MANY people are unwilling to commit to the guidelines. Because of that, I've written another article on fighting fair that may give you food for thought as you start using fair fighting techniques. Fair Fighting: How to Fight Fair When Emotions are High
As you've seen, she will probably escalate her anger when her current methods to gain control don't work. This can mean she'll be louder, use insults, or even turn to physical means to get her way. I truly hope you start addressing these matters now, before they get worse. Best wishes to you.
also keep in mind that this has nothing to do with you cooking late at night. As the cliche goes, it's not about what it's about. If it wasn't that, it'd be something else. The problem is her rage, and your inability to deal more constructively with problems (plural you).
Meditation is a good start to help her manage her anger. You should get her some lavender essence sticks and chamomile tea. I did notice you saying she was trying to work on her anger via meditation... this is a good thing so don't be discouraged. Rage isn't easy to get a grip on and it is very toxic, probably moreso to the one feeling it. It could be.. she may not be angry with you at all but just angry about something she remembered from long ago. You could slowly start introducing things to her and maybe mention seeing a therapist about the anger issues every now and again. If she starts getting huffy about something being mentioned then just back off and give her time to cool down and really think about it. Now I have alot of issues myself.. one being rage attacks ... and more often then not it's a result of something i remembered from the past moreso then something my spouse or anyone else has done. But burning essence, meditating, listening to soothing music or nature sounds, taking a nice hot bubble bath, ect have all been helpful when it comes to relaxing and when relaxed... I'm better able to think about what happened, what i did wrong, why I'm angry, and accept that I probably do need to see a counselor about it when I'm able. Perhaps this stuff can help your wife and you out. She may be stubborn and prideful at first if you mention some things but eventually she will realize that your right and she does need some professional help.
when she came home the other day, she was still angry but no longer stonewalling/doing the silent treatment.
she withdrew the threat to take away the pots and pans, but then when i asked if she wanted to talk about it some more: "no." then i mentioned about how she broke the blender, and she quickly replied: "well, it's MY stuff."
i replied that the more important issue was her anger, and she said "i'm working on it, but i won't apologize this time."
a day later she was back to her usual sweetness and light.
this worries me-- i'd rather not have this anger management issue buried, but to get to it. but i have no idea how to really do it, or bring it up...especially after she's made it clear that she considers the immediate problem "over". do i even concentrate on this issue, especially if it's something that she needs to internally resolve?
Can you have a discussion with her about how she's working on it? Otherwise, do you know that she really is working on it and that her way of working on it will actually lead to positive results?
Sentences such as, "I love you and I want to work on it with you or at the very least be involved in your process," shows her you are not to be fobbed off.
Sentences such as, "I'm really struggling to deal with the anger as well. I'd like for us to help each other," highlights that you are being hurt in the process and want her to acknowledge that and that you want to work on it as a team, as a couple should.
Sentences like, "I deserve to be treated in a more respectful way more frequently," show that you value yourself and are not someone's punch bag, no matter how much you love them and intend to stick by them.
It feels (and it's difficult to tell for sure in a forum) as though you both think, feel and behave as though it's all about her, her feelings are more important than yours and as though she is more important in this relationship than you are.
One of the things I am known for saying is: 'You always convey through your verbal and non-verbal communication and your actions what you expect and are willing to accept.' What are you conveying at the moment about yourself and your relationship and what would you prefer to convery? Then decide how you can change the way you do things in order to create a change in the way she does things. By changing how we respond to people we can affect change in how they respond to us.
so there's a deeper thread to all this. i'm trying to get over this latest episode of silent treatment while looking at ways that can help her with the underlying problem.
thoughts about either the silent treatment issue or the anger management issue?
descarado,
Female anger doesn't get much (if any) attention. Although there is no doubt that women and men process anger differently, I will challenge (and be grateful to) anyone reading this thread to post any authoritative description of what those differences are. One size does not fit all.
However, you can at least get some familiarity by looking over stuff that has been developed for angry men. This is one of my favorites
Let me know if you are interested in a faith based approach.
I think the assumption is that any man can just leave so who cares. Sadly, in my house the silent treatment would be a blessing. My immediate suggestion is to desensitize yourself to whatever it is she does, begin to recognize her triggers and tread lightly. In my wife's case those would be money, sex, friends and family. After your situation is stabilized for a while, if you can get her to agree to work (with you) on it, there are plenty of good techniques around
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anger management issues 
Re: anger management issues 
Well said Sam. 
