General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am new here, needed to find a place to seek opinions about relationships
I am Mike, 39 and divorced with 4 daughters. I have been divorced since January after a 2 year seperation which eventually ended in a divorce.
Last Summer I met this woman, moved in with her way too soon and broke up with her on New Years Eve. I took this woman as my get over the marriage relationship . Get my feet wet with a new relationship and at the end, I broke up with her.
This past January, I met this amazing woman. She is 34 and a mom to a 5 year old son. She has an awesome job, loves kids ( birth to three special education teacher at her school district. Since day 1, we just connected. Everything seems right, we are in love with each other. This woman basically completes me and I see her as a perfect woman to be a step mom to my girls.
She owns a house and it's been the last month where I basically stay from Friday night to Tuesday ( my job is very flexible ) plus I got rid of my apartment so I live at my parents. I don't have to work but my paycheck won't be alot but since I am with my GF, she makes very good money and don't need to worry about having money in my pocket just my child support and cell phone bill.
I just spent 5 days with my GF and her son,, it was awesome. Yes we had our moment on Monday ( she got cranky at me ) but we communicated and she realized she was wrong. Not a big deal ..
Other than that,,, it seems so right to the point that I want to buy a ring ( not now but before the year is up ) but also move in with her sooner than later because it just seems so natural.
We only been dating for 4 months but we have spent so much time talking and being together, it seems like we known each other for a year already and when we say , it's only been 4 months,,,, it shocks me.
I guess what I am trying to say,,, if you feel so strong that it's right,,,, do you just move forward and move in or will it do more damage? The same applies to buying a ring,,, I heard people get engaged after a couple of months of dating and now married 10+ years ....
I'm more concerned about your cavalier attitude toward your job and your financial situation -- who is saving for college for those four girls? And why are you content to live off this woman's income?
It sounds like it's going way too fast... and there are too many children involved to do that.
I have a question along the lines of lamaga... financially what are you bringing to a union with this woman? It doesn't sound like much. The support to your children is for them only...
I understand the money thing and it does bother me however its my GF who doesn't care. She wants me to be happy and not come home stressed and if I can give more support around the house such has mowing, home repairs etc etc,,, that's more important in her eyes than someone making money to support her. She actually will not let me go back into the office enviroment because her main focus is me being happy and she knows sports and kids is where my heart is. I have a great job managing an indoor sports arena which I love and she knows how much I enjoy working there so to her, it's not about money.
I make over 40K a year with a flexible schedule as I watch TV and listen to music and watch sports. I don't think a lot of people can say that about their job. I wear a T shirt, sneakers , shorts and it's whatever goes goes,, I am there alone at night with no boss hounding me and I can make any decision I want without authorization from an owner, they have trust in me.
As a matter of fact, if we do become more serious and move in together, we have discussed moving closer to my job .
I don't leech off her, I buy dinners for her to cook and if I don't have money for a coffee , I don't ask her for 3 dollars. If she offers, then I say sure. I have yet to ask her for money.
While I think that relationships that are healthy tend to move fast, I see trouble in what you've posted.
She's ultra responsible, she completes you, she makes great money, and you.... are taking advantage of it. From everything else you wrote, I'm of the mind that she'll wake up and realize you're not pulling your weight. Perhaps that was what your "moment" was about, and your relationship is still new enough that she's wanting to give you the benefit of doubt, so she's listening and empathizing. However, if you don't man up and start contributing as much as you get, you'll both end up miserable. Hopefully you won't be stuck with divorce proceedings when it gets there.
Everybodys giggly and happy with their rose colored glasses on in the first 6 months. They don't call it the honeymoon phase for nothing.
The very things you think she's 'okay' with now, will be a point of serious contention in a few years. What once was cute isn't so cute anymore. You're like a big kid really. There's nothing wrong with that in theory, but in practice.... a whole other ball game. You'll be a father figure to her son. She may not be thinking of this right now, being in the throes of LUB, but let me tell you, later down the line when this kid is hitting puberty it's going to be a different story. Also, how you treat and care for your own children will come under a microscope.
My advice hasn't changed. I think you're going too fast.
The LAST woman only made it about 6 mos. when that blew up (and you thought SHE was the one...or you wouldn't have moved in together.) THIS woman has only been in your life 4 mos.
What the heck is the BIG RUSH to (a) get in a permanent relationship (b) get an engagement ring (c) move in together (d) get married??????
Did YOU learn anything from your failed marriage? Or was everything your ex-w's fault? Did YOU learn anything from your failed live-in relationship? Or was everything your ex-g's fault? Have YOU made ANY PROGRESS in personal growth since you and your wife split up 3 years ago, or are you just drifting through life enjoying yourself? If you're drifting, you can expect your NEXT marriage to be pretty much like the one that ended 3 years ago!
You have FOUR daughters that are depending on you for MORE THAN THEIR CHILD SUPPORT!!! They're expecting you to get your act together and provide them with a father who's in a SECURE, MATURE relationship for the long-term. A father who is WORKING TOWARDS it...not WISHFUL-THINKING it.
Quit rushing things. If this woman REALLY IS "THE ONE", then she will still be "THE ONE" in 2 more years, or 5 years or whenever is the right time for you two. But it sure as heck ain't NOW.
I understand the money thing and it does bother me however its my GF who doesn't care. She wants me to be happy and not come home stressed and if I can give more support around the house such has mowing, home repairs etc etc,,, that's more important in her eyes than someone making money to support her. She actually will not let me go back into the office enviroment because her main focus is me being happy and she knows sports and kids is where my heart is. I have a great job managing an indoor sports arena which I love and she knows how much I enjoy working there so to her, it's not about money.
I make over 40K a year with a flexible schedule as I watch TV and listen to music and watch sports. I don't think a lot of people can say that about their job. I wear a T shirt, sneakers , shorts and it's whatever goes goes,, I am there alone at night with no boss hounding me and I can make any decision I want without authorization from an owner, they have trust in me.
As a matter of fact, if we do become more serious and move in together, we have discussed moving closer to my job .
I don't leech off her, I buy dinners for her to cook and if I don't have money for a coffee , I don't ask her for 3 dollars. If she offers, then I say sure. I have yet to ask her for money.
I think you posted this as I was writing my first response.
Why would you move closer to YOUR job if all this is true?
WOW, you guys are awesome and I mean that. My first marriage ended up with her having not one affair but two. We seperated the first time and then she asked me back to only find out she continued talking to him and I finally had to say enough.
My short time girlfriend. This was more like a rebound relationship. I was living at home when we started to date, we ended ( God knows why ) but getting a place together and after 2 months of living together, I got to know her better and I never grew true feelings for her. Maybe it's because she lied about everything and everything that came out of her mouth was a story.
I now met this wonderful woman. Is it a crime or something bad that he honestly doesn't care financially. She already feeds her mother, brother , soon to be sister in law and her son. She does everything and yes it gets to her but she has a heart of gold. She will work all day, come home around 330ish and then cook dinner for everyone.
She has pleaded to me,, it's not about your job that concerns me. I once had a discussion with her about this and she said " I told my mom, the next man that comes into my life, it's not about money or his job, I want a man who I can love for who he is "
She is very serious about me seeing my girls,, she would rather me see my girls than her. This comes from her where, her father cheated on her mother and the father was never around so she wants to make sure that I spend as much time with my daughters.
I can write a book about my past marriage, my rebound relationship and my current GF.
I think I missed out on a happy marriage. My ex and I should have never got married. We got married to young ( jumped on the band wagon with all of our friends getting married ) we are like water and oil mixed together. We never communicated, never had sex, and she basically emotionally abused me according to the marriage therapist we saw .
I want that happy home ( the home I never have ) I guess when you feel it's right,, it's right.
You guys are right,, what's the rush. I think part of the rush is when were together, we are so happy and her son loves having me around so we basically ( at times ) act as if we are married.
Maybe part of the problem is she lives an hour and twenty minutes away and it's hard to see each other so when we do,, we are together for 4-5 days straight ( this is where we get the feeling like were married )
SHE'S moving way to fast and you should be leery of that.
Looked at this from your perspective it's all good.
But there is something inherently wrong with a woman who takes a guy in after 4 months, and has children who will be exposed to the relationship, especially with your prior track record. And would uproot and move.
Put on the brakes.
If it's the real thing it will be there in the future sure enough.
Why not just take time and date and hang out and have fun and put her money towards a baby sitter once or twice a week...instead of setting up housekeeping. It's not all about housekeeping, it's easy to make it look like the relationship is working because all the logistical pieces to the puzzle can be addressed, and she offers up words to cover the rest, but but but 4 months with kids involved is way too fast. Stop staying there. It's setting the stage for being too invested too soon and nobody being able to address issues with any real power to stay or go or cool off...people need their space for about a year, maybe even more.
Ok, she is not moving,, never can leave her mom , her brother and her SIL with thier 9 month old.
We have talked and said this isn't an option . She just mentioned it because she knows how much I enjoy working at the sports arena
Your right,, just enjoy the time but I want to get a ring but I know it's way to fast.
Is it because we both know what marriage is and that we don't have much to lose? I have a vasectomy so there will be no more children.
I read forums where people got engaged a couple of months and they are on their 25th wedding annivesary,, they say when you feel and know it's right,, it's right..
I can never see myself proposing to someone after a couple of months of dating...
Is it because we both know what marriage is and that we don't have much to lose?
This is the main reason why you shouldn't jump into this.
You both stand to lose quite a bit... this relationship will expand by the 5 other people you seem to not be thinking about. Stop only focusing on yourselves. If you didn't have children, my advice would be different.
Really,, yes I am deathly scared of one day breaking up and really making her son sad. He is already attached and calls me uncle Mike and asks his mom if she will marry me .
I am concerned about that,, I am not going anywhere though so it's a risk you take
22Likes
Feel like moving too fast or not? 
