General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Need some opinions on this situation: a man and woman who work together were flirting and had some sexually suggestive conversations together which both deemed as innocent until the man's girlfriend asked him to stop. He didn't realize his interactions at work bothered his girlfriend until she told him. He then stopped giving the co-worker attention and ended the suggestive talking to the girl at work. However, for his birthday, this same girl at his work got a cake for him; which he felt was "really thoughtful." The girlfriend is again upset. What could he/should he have done in this situation? I can't see him refusing the cake/Happy Birthday wishes since he didn't ask for it. How should the girlfriend now feel about this? He never actually discussed anything with the co-worker; just stopped interacting with her. Any advice out there?
Unless the cake had a picture of the coworker's naked boobs on it, I think the GF is overreacting.
GF had concerns, she voiced her concerns, the BF stopped the objectionable behavior. Seems to me that this GF wants to control every single aspect of her boyfriend's life. Good luck with that.
It sounds like the man needs to re-evaluate his dedication to his girlfriend-the flirting and sexual content of his conversation with his coworker was totally inappropriate on all levels.
The question I would ask him,is why he felt flirting with a coworker was ok? Did he initiate these inappropriate conversations or did his coworker? If he valued his coworker in a business relationship,he never would have initiated or "played along" with that situation and visa versa concerning the coworker. If he was using the sexually driven situation to energize himself to be productive at work and/or possibly make a coworker more "energized" to work with him at work-a sleazy tactic no matter how you look at it.
I've always believed whether you're single or have an open marriage that flirting(even without intent)and/or actively seeking a coworker to date(or allowing someone to ask you)SHOULD NEVER BE INITIATED OR ACTED UPON at your place of work no matter what. Your personal life is something you should seperate from your business life-otherwise you end up dealing with sexual harrassment,possible bad break ups or having your name trashed around the office.
Women especially need to be careful because as I've seen several times, *some*men are not shy to use women both sexually and use them as leverage in the company!(I understand women try this as well although men are much more socially allowed to sleep with coworkers/bosses without ruining their business reputations which is the opposite for most women). One business I worked at, I had to tell my boss my male coworker was planning to do that to her-she thought he really wanted a relationship with her,turned out the big mouth jack azz was trying to sleep with her 'cause she was really good looking as well as use that against her to get her management job(she thanked me for giving her the heads up!!)
I've worked in several companies that like to give cakes to people on their birthdays-not unusual. The question is, was the cake itself provided on behalf of all staff, or was it intended to be JUST from that flirt/coworker?
__________________ Beauty is in the eye of the beholder Hence why the mirror is my best friend-this woman I see staring back at me has a wonderful heart, passion for life and beauty that extends beyond just another pretty face in the crowd
Sounds like GF does not TRUST BF; this is NOT good! Since GF cannot be with BF every minute of the day (thank goodness), she either needs to GROW UP or MOVE ON.
First, it's conversation. Then it's wishes/cake. What is GF going to object to next...lunch? business meeting? Another woman talking/interacting with BF?
5Creed, I assume you're the BF. If so, YOU need to decide how much positive you're getting out of this relationship vs. how much negative (she's already suggested that ANY interaction with this co-worker is suspicious; implying that YOU'RE NOT TRUSTWORTHY. Do you not find THAT highly insulting? In GF'S mind, every day you get up and go to work is a day that you might decide to just start screwing someone for the heck of it!?!)
Jealousy is an ugly and immature behavior. Don't think that saying "I do" is going to alleviate GF of her jealous tendencies. It may become worse (now you're my HUSBAND, now we have KIDS....)
Just my 2 cents, but look at the TOTALITY of your relationship and see ALL that you're REALLY getting into BEFORE you say "I do".
Flirting and sexual talks would NOT be okay with me in my relationship. The cake thing seems a bit blown out of proportion, but maybe the girlfriend is uncomfortable with the friendship because of the above mentioned. I don't know how I'd feel, but probably be a little anxious about it.
Your question, "Is this crossing a boundary line?" isn't one we can answer. Clearly, it's crossed some sort of line for your girlfriend. However, if you are okay with it, then you should let your girlfriend know it's up to her to either accept it or leave. But, the kicker is, you don't get to decide how she feels about it or how she reacts to your choices. She may very well decide that leaving is the better option for her. And if she does, it wouldn't be irrational or immature of her, it would simply be her enforcing her own boundaries regarding what she will and will not accept in a relationship.
Now, I will say that my husband described his "friendship" with the woman who turned out to be his affair partner in a very similar manner to the situation you described. He also tried to brush off my irritation when she continued to send him cards, approach him at parties, and pass along messages to him through mutual aquaintances and family members - after I had requested, and he had agreed, to have no contact with her. No, he could not control her behavior. However, he could control how he responded to it. He could have very firmly let her know that he wished to have no further contact with her each and every time she started "fishing" again. That he failed to do that is one of the reasons our efforts at recovery after his affair failed - he just didn't demonstrate, to either her or me, that he was all that serious about breaking contact with her.
Yeh but the GF wouldnt be feeling paranoid about the relationship if the BF hadnt been exchanging sexual/flirty txts with the co worker!!
This is totaly the BFs bag, and if the GF is feeling anxious/worried about the co worker then thats his fault!
People buy cakes for their colleagues. There's nothing unusual about that unless at this place of employment no one ever gets a cake for anyone else. I've worked at a variety of places from nonprofits to private companies and it's my experience that cake buying isn't a seduction move. I know they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach but I think in truth it's about five inches below that.
I don't know what this boyfriend could have done really. Did he know ahead of time this woman was going to get a cake for him?
I think the girlfriend is blowing the cake buying out of proportion. If he doesn't interact with this woman, he keeps all interactions completely professional and there's no interaction after work, I say let bygones be bygones.
How did the GF find out about the cake? Did the BF tell her? And if so, how? I think that makes a difference here. Cuz if he came home and said "Woman-I-used-to-sexually-banter-with bought me a cake, wasn't that thoughtful?" and I was the GF I would suspect the BF (still?) had feelings for the cake giver and feel threatened.
45Likes
Is this crossing a boundary line? 
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