Husbands female "best" friend
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Old 05-31-2012, 03:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husbands female "best" friend

hi everyone, i just wanted to vent and to get some advice on my problem. soo here we go!


I have been with my husband for 3 years, recently married. I knew he had a female friend but i have never, still to this day, met her. He texts her and talks to her on the phone but never in front of me. I've seen that he calls her babe and that is a HUGE no-no for me. I confronted him and asked him why would he be calling her that, and i think its disrespectful.

before i go on, here is some back ground,
when we first got together we where driving and my ex called me. not the first time but i was ignoring him, nothing to say to my ex but he wanted to get back together and i told him no. and that was the only time i talked to him after we broke up. so the phone rings and my husband asked who it was and i stupidly said my sister. i know it was wrong but i just didn't want to get my husband mad. but he saw who it really was and we fought. i apologized and told him why i did it, even changed my number(glad to do it) and deleted his number. the only reason it was still in there was to see if he called so i can just ignore it. had a crappy phone at the time and couldn't just block it.

so I thought we where fine after that. wrong. he started acting suspicious, and like a fly to honey, i couldn't resist finding out why. he was texting 2 other girls. another big fight. and told me that is was to get back at me. i talked to him and actually made him cry. i poured my heart out cause by then i was falling in love with him.

after that, i had trust issues but wanted to work threw all that. but every time he starts to act funny i get a feeling and shame on me, look threw his phone. but every time i did i found something. be it porn(dont really care) looking up female escorts(has stopped) going on dating websites(stopped. i know this for sure) and the reason? to piss me off. he said, if your going to look in it im just going to give you something to find. i dont want to look, but he acts funny, and makes me think bad stuff. and im usually right.

then his "best" female friend came into the picture. i was fine untill i saw that he was calling her babe. i talked to him about it and he said thats what he calls her sometimes cause they been friends for soooo long. shes married and has a toddler, really? i dont think her husband likes that. and again he said its to piss me off. WHY? im 5 months pregnant and dont want stress like this. i cryed all day, when i found out and ignored him. he apologized and said he would never do it again. that he asked her permission to do it to piss me off.

ohh and the best part? i called his friend to just talk to her. tell her the little favor he asked of her is over and just to meet her. but she was rude and got defensive. and lied to me. told me she hasnt talked to him in months. please. i used the same number in his phone to call her. i let it go and just said oh ok. i didnt feel like fighting, but hopefully it showed my husband the kind of person she is. why lie?

my husbands mom and grandma dont like her either. my MIL told he that when he would be single she would come searching for him and want to hang out with him all day until her husband got home. who does that? i think she likes him as more than a friend. cause hes never going to be single again. i love him with everything i have. and he loves me too. i just want it all to stop.

i want to tell my husband that enough is enough. i dont want him talking to her but can i do that? am i wrong for being so cold hearted? or am i doing the right thing by protecting my family and trying to make it stronger?

-Storm
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Old 05-31-2012, 04:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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His best female friend should be you. No one else. And, considering he does this sh*t to piss you off... honestly, I'd tell him it's either the friend or the wife. Calling her babe is unacceptable. This is something I would tell my husband and he would do the same to me. I don't keep him from having female friends, and he doesn't keep me from having male friends. But I have a problem with the nicknames like that. I mean, I call everyone "hon" equally... even my sisters, nieces, nephew, girl friends and a few guy friends. But when it comes to "babe" or "baby" or "sexy" or things like that... only my husband. I know some are gonna disagree on the whole "cease contact" thing... but that is something *I* would feel to be necessary. Since he knows you don't like that you talk to her, especially in that way... ugh!
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Old 05-31-2012, 04:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Sounds like an affair right before your eyes!

My husband and I would never have friendships of the opposite sex. It's something we discussed within weeks of our marriage. It's disrespectful and your husband should focus on you 100%.

She's lying to you because she's hiding something. I bet there's more going on then you think.

I'd give him an ultimatum. It's you or her, end of story.
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Old 05-31-2012, 04:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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You should be his best friend. That is one thing huge in a relationship, no other female (except maybe a child or mother) should ever come before you or between you. The problem I see is you did not set this boundry before you got married. You need to let him know how much it bothers you, and tell him to reverse the shoe, how would he feel if you had a male friend, he never met, that you were calling babe and such. See if he is cool with that? Relay the foundation of boundries in your relationship.
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Old 06-01-2012, 08:32 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DeMoonlight View Post
hi everyone, i just wanted to vent and to get some advice on my problem. soo here we go!


I have been with my husband for 3 years, recently married. I knew he had a female friend but i have never, still to this day, met her. He texts her and talks to her on the phone but never in front of me. I've seen that he calls her babe and that is a HUGE no-no for me. I confronted him and asked him why would he be calling her that, and i think its disrespectful.

before i go on, here is some back ground,
when we first got together we where driving and my ex called me. not the first time but i was ignoring him, nothing to say to my ex but he wanted to get back together and i told him no. and that was the only time i talked to him after we broke up. so the phone rings and my husband asked who it was and i stupidly said my sister. i know it was wrong but i just didn't want to get my husband mad. but he saw who it really was and we fought. i apologized and told him why i did it, even changed my number(glad to do it) and deleted his number. the only reason it was still in there was to see if he called so i can just ignore it. had a crappy phone at the time and couldn't just block it.

so I thought we where fine after that. wrong. he started acting suspicious, and like a fly to honey, i couldn't resist finding out why. he was texting 2 other girls. another big fight. and told me that is was to get back at me. i talked to him and actually made him cry. i poured my heart out cause by then i was falling in love with him.

after that, i had trust issues but wanted to work threw all that. but every time he starts to act funny i get a feeling and shame on me, look threw his phone. but every time i did i found something. be it porn(dont really care) looking up female escorts(has stopped) going on dating websites(stopped. i know this for sure) and the reason? to piss me off. he said, if your going to look in it im just going to give you something to find. i dont want to look, but he acts funny, and makes me think bad stuff. and im usually right.

then his "best" female friend came into the picture. i was fine untill i saw that he was calling her babe. i talked to him about it and he said thats what he calls her sometimes cause they been friends for soooo long. shes married and has a toddler, really? i dont think her husband likes that. and again he said its to piss me off. WHY? im 5 months pregnant and dont want stress like this. i cryed all day, when i found out and ignored him. he apologized and said he would never do it again. that he asked her permission to do it to piss me off.

ohh and the best part? i called his friend to just talk to her. tell her the little favor he asked of her is over and just to meet her. but she was rude and got defensive. and lied to me. told me she hasnt talked to him in months. please. i used the same number in his phone to call her. i let it go and just said oh ok. i didnt feel like fighting, but hopefully it showed my husband the kind of person she is. why lie?

my husbands mom and grandma dont like her either. my MIL told he that when he would be single she would come searching for him and want to hang out with him all day until her husband got home. who does that? i think she likes him as more than a friend. cause hes never going to be single again. i love him with everything i have. and he loves me too. i just want it all to stop.

i want to tell my husband that enough is enough. i dont want him talking to her but can i do that? am i wrong for being so cold hearted? or am i doing the right thing by protecting my family and trying to make it stronger?

-Storm
DeMoonLight, I feel your pain! I have been married for 10 years and during our entire marriage my husband and
I never had best friends of the opposite sex (mainly his concern) but in the past year he has developed
a new "friendship" with a female coworker - constant texting and emailing all weekend and in the evenings.
I professed all of my feelings about this but they fell on deaf ears, he just said that I should
trust him and if I didn't then we had a problem. I got sick and tired of hearing about her and how wonderful her
kids are and all the problems that she was having with her husband. I came to the realization through this site
that he was having a full blown EA (emotional affair) with this woman and I have to say this is no less
painfull than if he would have had a PA (physical affair) - I mean, I found out he was telling this
woman intimate details of our marriage nothing was sacred, I'm no expert but I don't recomment giving an
ultimatium, I did this and he said he was going to be friends with whoever he wanted no matter what and if I
had a problem with it then it was my problem (needless to say - we have separated) I got to a point, a moment of
clarity - that if I wasn't going to be number 1 in his life then it wasn't worth it to stay. You said you are
pregnant, I feel for you! It's not good for you or your baby to have this kind of stress! I have a 10 year old
son who I really had to consider and think about before coming to the decision that I would ask his Dad to
leave the house. But, I felt like my depression, crying were hurting him more than the seperation would - and
I was right, even though he is dealing with his parents separating he is more relaxed at home, the tension is
gone and it seems to be calmer. Please hang in there and I really hope everything works out for you! ((Hugs))
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Old 06-01-2012, 09:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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gettingstronger--glad to hear an update from you. You really are living up to your name.
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Old 06-01-2012, 10:32 AM   #7 (permalink)
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NO YOU ARE NOT WRONG!!! If his friend cannot respect your wishes as his wife then she is not a very good friend at all. Since he is letting her behave in this manner then he is also disrespecting your marriage and you. He should be by your side and not defend her for anything. I have been through this and it is never a good thing...she has bad intentions and it sounds like he does too even if he doesn't know it.
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Old 06-01-2012, 01:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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i thought i was his best friend.. but he recently started talking to her a few months ago and i never knew about her. i know hes not seeing her cause he works 12 hours a day and since we have one car i take him and pick him up from work.. but yes it does sound like a emotional affair. i think she likes him more than a friend but dont think he realizes it. i know he loves me with all he has. but hes too blind to see what shes doing.. shes done in my book.. i really dont want to give an ultimatum but i just might have too. im just going to tell him, if he cant let her go for us, then he has to let me and the baby go. cause if its her he wants.. good luck, cause im not going to sit around and watch this bi*ch ruin our relationship any more that she already has. if he cant give her up me and baby are gone. im glad you think im not wrong. the more i think about it the more i feel like im just overreacting, until i remember she lied. that pissed me off more. and makes me think she wants us to be over so she can come back in his life and be with him while her husbands at work.
i just dread bringing it up cause he gets mad and says we already talked about it. but all he said was he was going to stop.. i want to get it clear that it ALL has to stop. she needs to be gone and we need to work on our trust.
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Old 06-01-2012, 01:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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No man puts anything more than minimal effort into a friendship with a girl he doesn't want to bang. Please don't make me have to prove it. And please, women save us some time by saying your guy pal doesn't want to **** you. Because he does.

I'll let you decide whether or not the fact that he wants to get into her pants change your opinion of the situation. I'm not even saying he WOULD screw her (although he probably would). I'm just saying he wants to.
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Old 06-01-2012, 01:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iheartlife View Post
gettingstronger--glad to hear an update from you. You really are living up to your name.
iheartlife, i didn't want to highjack this thread! I posted a more en-depth update for you.

not sure what to do??
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Old 06-01-2012, 02:52 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DeMoonlight View Post
I have been with my husband for 3 years, recently married. I knew he had a female friend but i have never, still to this day, met her. He texts her and talks to her on the phone but never in front of me. I've seen that he calls her babe and that is a HUGE no-no for me.
This would be a huge issue for me. It's his "best friend" and you haven't met her? Not only that but he talks to her on the phone only in private? There's no way you are overreacting on this one.

Oh man this dredges up a lot from my own past. My first boyfriend started talking to a girl that he said was just a good friend. He would talk to her privately, started calling her "babe" (which was my nickname), and even started saying "I love you" before hanging up with her. Red flag-o-rama right? He stuck to his story that they were just friends and I let it go because I thought I was being jealous and overreacting. Turns out he was cheating on me with her.

Another issue is that he's doing these things to "piss you off". It sounds more like he's blaming you for his behavior so that you feel guilty and he gets off scot-free.

You have every right to stick up for your family, put your foot down and say enough is enough. If she was just any friend then I would say that telling him that he can't contact her is going too far but he has thrown up way too many red flags and has been far too dishonest about this relationship for that to be an option. You're not being cold hearted by standing up for yourself and your family. I would also say that he needs to be absolutely transparent if he wants to regain your trust. If he refuses to cut off contact then I would leave for awhile and see if he comes to his senses. You can only do so much and you can't force him to do what you want. You can control the amount of stress that you feel and I think that is incredibly important given you are pregnant.
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Old 06-01-2012, 02:56 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Hiding the conversations, calling her babe are big red flags. You are not over reacting. You are trying to protect your marriage. A way to reach him might be to find out how he felt if you did the same thing. This can then lead to a discussion about friends and appropriate boundaries with friends.
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Old 06-01-2012, 02:57 PM   #13 (permalink)
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i thought i was his best friend.. but he recently started talking to her a few months ago and i never knew about her. i know hes not seeing her cause he works 12 hours a day and since we have one car i take him and pick him up from work.. but yes it does sound like a emotional affair. i think she likes him more than a friend but dont think he realizes it. i know he loves me with all he has. but hes too blind to see what shes doing.. shes done in my book.. i really dont want to give an ultimatum but i just might have too. im just going to tell him, if he cant let her go for us, then he has to let me and the baby go. cause if its her he wants.. good luck, cause im not going to sit around and watch this bi*ch ruin our relationship any more that she already has. if he cant give her up me and baby are gone. im glad you think im not wrong. the more i think about it the more i feel like im just overreacting, until i remember she lied. that pissed me off more. and makes me think she wants us to be over so she can come back in his life and be with him while her husbands at work.
i just dread bringing it up cause he gets mad and says we already talked about it. but all he said was he was going to stop.. i want to get it clear that it ALL has to stop. she needs to be gone and we need to work on our trust.
DeMoonLight, its not in your head at all - that's what my husband kept telling me. In my situation they are still co-workers (he's her boss) so there would be no "stop all communication" they would still be together 5 days a week with constant texting and emailing evenings and weekends. That's why I called it quits - if I can't be number 1 then it wasn't worth it for me. I'm still - kinda young 32 - and I'm not giving up on love but have given up on marriage - you put everything you have into a marriage and one day it's all over and I feel like a failure but I have to realize (and you do also) we are not in the wrong - they are. EA's are just as damaging to a relationship as a PA.
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Old 06-06-2012, 07:21 AM   #14 (permalink)
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DeMoonLight, any updates?
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Old 06-06-2012, 08:57 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DeMoonlight View Post
hi everyone, i just wanted to vent and to get some advice on my problem. soo here we go!


I have been with my husband for 3 years, recently married. I knew he had a female friend but i have never, still to this day, met her. He texts her and talks to her on the phone but never in front of me. I've seen that he calls her babe and that is a HUGE no-no for me. I confronted him and asked him why would he be calling her that, and i think its disrespectful.

before i go on, here is some back ground,
when we first got together we where driving and my ex called me. not the first time but i was ignoring him, nothing to say to my ex but he wanted to get back together and i told him no. and that was the only time i talked to him after we broke up. so the phone rings and my husband asked who it was and i stupidly said my sister. i know it was wrong but i just didn't want to get my husband mad. but he saw who it really was and we fought. i apologized and told him why i did it, even changed my number(glad to do it) and deleted his number. the only reason it was still in there was to see if he called so i can just ignore it. had a crappy phone at the time and couldn't just block it.

so I thought we where fine after that. wrong. he started acting suspicious, and like a fly to honey, i couldn't resist finding out why. he was texting 2 other girls. another big fight. and told me that is was to get back at me. i talked to him and actually made him cry. i poured my heart out cause by then i was falling in love with him.

after that, i had trust issues but wanted to work threw all that. but every time he starts to act funny i get a feeling and shame on me, look threw his phone. but every time i did i found something. be it porn(dont really care) looking up female escorts(has stopped) going on dating websites(stopped. i know this for sure) and the reason? to piss me off. he said, if your going to look in it im just going to give you something to find. i dont want to look, but he acts funny, and makes me think bad stuff. and im usually right.

then his "best" female friend came into the picture. i was fine untill i saw that he was calling her babe. i talked to him about it and he said thats what he calls her sometimes cause they been friends for soooo long. shes married and has a toddler, really? i dont think her husband likes that. and again he said its to piss me off. WHY? im 5 months pregnant and dont want stress like this. i cryed all day, when i found out and ignored him. he apologized and said he would never do it again. that he asked her permission to do it to piss me off.

ohh and the best part? i called his friend to just talk to her. tell her the little favor he asked of her is over and just to meet her. but she was rude and got defensive. and lied to me. told me she hasnt talked to him in months. please. i used the same number in his phone to call her. i let it go and just said oh ok. i didnt feel like fighting, but hopefully it showed my husband the kind of person she is. why lie?

my husbands mom and grandma dont like her either. my MIL told he that when he would be single she would come searching for him and want to hang out with him all day until her husband got home. who does that? i think she likes him as more than a friend. cause hes never going to be single again. i love him with everything i have. and he loves me too. i just want it all to stop.

i want to tell my husband that enough is enough. i dont want him talking to her but can i do that? am i wrong for being so cold hearted? or am i doing the right thing by protecting my family and trying to make it stronger?

-Storm
Isn't there something in wedding vows about forsaking all others?

I thought I heard that somewhere.
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