General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
There's a lot of great advice in this thread. I just wanted to say how infinitely sad it makes me when I hear a woman say she's never had an orgasm. It's hard for most guys to understand. As a male, I've had orgasms (with my first girlfriend, Jergen's Lotion) on an almost daily basis since I was 14. And it's important to me to bring my wife to climax every time we have sex, so I don't understand how any man could accept his wife not having them.
Mom, if you grew up in a conservative household, and you haven't had a screaming O before, it sounds like you may still be fairly conservative culturally. You should learn how to bring yourself to O first, but you should let your husband in on it let him know that's what you're doing (how many threads have been started because someone caught their spouse masturbating and felt rejected by it?).
Talking about it with him will also open both of you up to other possibilities you didn't know about. After nearly 10 years of marriage myself, I only really started talking to my wife about my fantasies several months ago. It turns out that she wanted to do many of the same things but was as afraid to talk to me about them as I was to ask her. If you both expand your horizons beyond making babies, it will open you up to possibilities that neither you nor hubby ever imagined.
I think it is definitely a cultural mindset. I didn't experiment much before marriage and then it was one pregnancy after another. I grew up with the mindset that masturbation is weird or "wrong"--esp. for a woman. For a man, he maybe shouldn't be doing it, but he is a GUY after all.
You just need some rewiring that's all. Masturbation is normal and healthy for both sexes. And I'm convinced it's the only way for most women to learn. Men have it easy as it's largely physical for women it's physical AND mental.
And you don't have to tell your husband what you are doing if you don't want to. I don't tell my husband of my extra without him activities. I've been married 20 years and I've yet to get 'caught'.
This may be crass but I'm putting it out there anyway...
Go ahead and flick the bean while he's in there. You want to see him REALLY get excited? That'll do it. Not only will you climax, but he'll feel it right along with you!
I think it is definitely a cultural mindset. I didn't experiment much before marriage and then it was one pregnancy after another. I grew up with the mindset that masturbation is weird or "wrong"--esp. for a woman. For a man, he maybe shouldn't be doing it, but he is a GUY after all.
Hon, I know what you mean. I grew up in a very conservative family/church/mindset. I was always told that masturbation was wrong for guys... it was NEVER addressed about women. It never even occurred to me back then that women COULD. Weird, I know. But I learned, and I am confident you can too. So, you CAN overcome that mindset. It just takes time.
If you've been brought up conservative masturbating alone is tough enough much less doing it in front of your spouse. My husband has asked a couple of times if he can watch me do it and I just can't. Maybe one day I'll trust him enough to open up like that but I'm just not there yet. And that's okay.
I think it is definitely a cultural mindset. I didn't experiment much before marriage and then it was one pregnancy after another. I grew up with the mindset that masturbation is weird or "wrong"--esp. for a woman. For a man, he maybe shouldn't be doing it, but he is a GUY after all.
Then yeah, you should definitely explore your sexuality as a couple. Doing it on your own is just going to make you feel more isolated and disconnected from the man you want to share your discoveries with.
I don't know why some people are so down about vibrators. You might want to go ahead and buy one. Have that orgasm. It will rock your world and then you will know that it's worth it!!!
For me, the trick to consistent orgasms is not to be a one trick pony. I touch myself during sex. Vigorously. Sometimes, we use the vibrator. Sometimes oral. If I do one thing too much, it becomes less effective.
Also, I mentally put myself in the game hours before hand. I start thinking about it and get myself primed for it. Anticipation lessens the need for lengthy foreplay for me.
Then yeah, you should definitely explore your sexuality as a couple. Doing it on your own is just going to make you feel more isolated and disconnected from the man you want to share your discoveries with.
Not necessarily true. She needs to discover her sexuality on her own before she can enjoy it as a couple. Unless she can connect to herself there is no way she can connect to him. No pun intended but she must first love herself before she can love him. KWIM?
Not necessarily true. She needs to discover her sexuality on her own before she can enjoy it as a couple. Unless she can connect to herself there is no way she can connect to him. No pun intended but she must first love herself before she can love him. KWIM?
I see what you're saying but I disagree. How many threads have we seen here where someone catches their spouse (husband) doing something (masturbation/porn) and are more hurt that the spouse couldn't come to them about it than they are about the behavior itself.
I'm not advocating that Mom should bring a foot-long crystal dildo to bed and tell her husband to take a video so she can post it to YouTube. But I am saying that if she decides to explore her sexuality on her own, I guarantee that we'll see DadTwo4 here in a couple months asking, "Why didn't she just tell me?"
Not necessarily true. She needs to discover her sexuality on her own before she can enjoy it as a couple. Unless she can connect to herself there is no way she can connect to him. No pun intended but she must first love herself before she can love him. KWIM?
And, on the flip side, that's not necessarily true either. I never learned about masturbation until YEARS after we married. And I have to say, our sex life back then was wonderful...it's really a personal choice. Some need to take care of themselves first. Some don't. But, I will agree she DOES need to either learn for herself, or just make time to let the two of them explore. And keep going til it happens!
As for vibrators...the bigger ones do nothing for me. The only toys I have ever been able to use effectively are bullets or other clit stimulators. And that is an option as well... If he is open to using any during sex... get some for sure!
Keep in mind I'm coming from a place where I figured this out well before I had sex with anyone. I have no idea how this would work while married. I just know for me I wouldn't be comfortable sharing that with my husband at first. But that's just me.
Just want to take the no chance of babies thing out of this thread. Stop using that as an excuse here. If you really wanted to get pregnant, it is possible to aspirate sperm from the teste and get pregnant. I have a friend who had a vasectomy when married to his first wife and wanted another child with wife # 2 he has a very cute little boy! So stop thinking of you husband as importantly changed. He isn't,
I see what you're saying but I disagree. How many threads have we seen here where someone catches their spouse (husband) doing something (masturbation/porn) and are more hurt that the spouse couldn't come to them about it than they are about the behavior itself.
I'm not advocating that Mom should bring a foot-long crystal dildo to bed and tell her husband to take a video so she can post it to YouTube. But I am saying that if she decides to explore her sexuality on her own, I guarantee that we'll see DadTwo4 here in a couple months asking, "Why didn't she just tell me?"
LOL! Love your reference to DadTwo4. I know that you are very right that my DH very much wants to be a part of giving me pleasure. But I don't know if I could actually masturbate in front of him at this point. I'm still at the point of wrapping my head around actually doing it myself for myself. DH has tried before, but it seems to be too much of a turn on for HIM and after a while he just moves to intercourse and enjoys his own orgasm.
Keep in mind I'm coming from a place where I figured this out well before I had sex with anyone. I have no idea how this would work while married. I just know for me I wouldn't be comfortable sharing that with my husband at first. But that's just me.
I think I'm with you on this. I don't know if I could relax enough to enjoy myself. I know he would enjoy it though.
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Re: Ambivalent feelings about Vasectomy 
