jmenny

I am incredibly confused and will appreciate any advice.

Eight months ago my best friend broke up with a guy she was dating long distance for about three months. She really hurt him because one day she decided to completely cease communication with him. I wasn't too surprised because she tends to jump back and forth between a four year relationship with these random flings (I think she may have some intimacy issues). Anyway, around the same time I broke off a tumultuous two year relationship with an emotionally unavailable man. I had just moved out of his place and was living on my own again for the first time in a little over a year - needless to say, I was really vulnerable. So, here's where the story gets sticky: My best friend's ex (the guy she dated long distance for a few months) started contacting me for insight/advice as to why she was blowing him off despite the fact that he thought she loved him. I felt horrible for him b/c I was feeling hurt and rejected myself. The next thing I know we are texting back and forth and I start developing feelings for him. I'm sure I was projecting a ton of feelings from my previous relationship on to him but at the time it didn't matter because I was so happy to have a man in my life that had the ability to communicate his feelings. Once the text messages (remember, he is located about 2,000 miles away from me) turned into just discussing one another's day and not his previous relationship I knew I had to see how my best friend would feel about he and I being in communication. She and I talked about it and she was fine because she was focused on getting her old boyfriend back and was over the "summer fling" - granted, we are in our thirties so I think flings should be a thing of the past but whatever.
Fast forward eight months and he and I are in a very serious relationship. We've visited each other numerous times and talk every day - I love him. He is an incredibly guy. The problem is that I no longer talk to my best friend. Her boyfriend hates me because I'm dating the guy she cheated on him with. The guy I'm dating absolutely detests my best friend b/c of how horrible she was to him. I'm stuck because I love him and don't want to be disrespectful to him but I can't help but feel like I lost my best friend and that makes me incredibly sad. I watch Sex & the City and feel like an absolute piece of crap - like I am the world's worst friend b/c I dated her ex. Am I a horrible person? He doesn't feel comfortable with me communicating with her because she always throws him under the bus in an attempt to justify the way she treated him in the end. Am I horrible person? Do I walk away from my past? I know I have to in order to move forward in my current relationship.

lamaga

If you are in your thirties, you are old enough to make relationship decisions without consulting your friends, or -- even worse -- your friends' boyfriends.

You asked her initially, which was courteous, and she said fine. Anything else on her mind is her responsibility. Your responsibility, however, is to communicate to your boyfriend that his feelings for your former BFF are his, period. If you've cut her off because of his feelings, then you are equally to blame for the end of your friendship.

At this point you should probably just accept it and move on.

And Sex In The City is a TV show, not a model for real life. I don't own any Jimmy Choos, do you?

Relationship Coach

Can you accept that friends come and go sometime? People change? Your "best friend" treated someone you love not so nicely. Is there some reason you need her and not people who are on your level? (Very courteous to ask her permission, indeed)

And on a very serious note, stop watching Sex and the City, or at the least NEVER take advice from it.

turnera

While getting into a relationship that way may not have been the smartest thing, what I see is a friend and her boyfriend who are petty, selfish, and small-minded.

Can't you find better friends than that?

Wanting a Strong Marriage

Also, remember that while she is your friend. She is his ex. Exes hanging around a relationship are generally a bad idea. They have chemistry. I wouldn't ever be comfortable with them spending time together, even if I were right there. You never know what can reignite their feelings for each other. A look that you missed. A touch while you were out of the room. I would not put these two people together in my life.

jmenny

Seriously, I can't thank all of you enough for responding to my thread. I can't tell you how much better I feel after reading each response. You're right! Friends come and go and I need to move on from my past and find new friends that are on the same level. Again, thank you, thank you and thank you!