Nova

I've posted about my marriage before on TAM a few weeks ago.

My unconventional marriage

Things have gotten much worse since that point.

My marriage isn't a normal one (by any stretch) but it has worked for us. My wife and I have been married for 6 years and we have two kids (4 & 2.5) and she is 6 weeks pregnant with our third right now. We went through a brutal stretch in our marriage a few years ago and she gave me permission to see another woman casually. That spiraled out of control and the other woman - my girlfriend ended up pregnant. She moved in with us and lives with us. I have 19 month old twins with my girlfriend.

Our marriage is strained over this. My wife has always told me she would never ever leave me. But there is more and more tension between my wife and my girlfriend. My wife has been irritable as of late and she has been having constant fights with my girlfriend. I've been playing mediator and trying to make this work but it is getting so difficult.

My wife told me this morning that she wishes she never married me. We have been fighting over what to do with the current tension. She suggested I kick my girlfriend out of our home. I cannot do that in good conscience. She is the mother of my children and is dependent on me. I told my wife I would do anything but that. She told me that she'll never be happy until my girlfriend is gone. I can't and won't leave my girlfriend. Leaving her would be abandoning my two youngest and it would hurt their lives. My wife loves my twins like her own so I don't know why she is being so heartless.

I am hoping some people here can give me some practical advice to help ease my wife's concern. I can't and won't end the relationship with my girlfriend so that isn't an option. I don't think my wife will leave me but it hurts me to see her so sad. I want to fix this. Anything outside of breaking up with my girlfriend is an option. Please I need advice.

that_girl

Wow. Seriously? I think the best thing you could do would be to leave your wife. I don't have any advice that you'd like to hear, but wow...she gave you permission to be CASUAL and that turned into twins and a GF living in your MARITAL home. Imo, you failed the test big time when you wife gave you permission...maybe she wanted to know she was enough for you and wanted you to say "Hell no! I just want you!" But it's too late for that. I'm sorry for your situation...it sounds awful. You say your wife is heartless. Just wow.

You say your marriage works for you...are you sure?

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Gaia

1. You should have never went outside the marriage to begin with.

2. It's sounding as if this girlfriend of yours is more important then your wife to you. You wife.. whose been with you longer and also gave birth to your kids long before the girlfriend was in the picture.

3. If your wife wants to leave, let her. Clearly you don't really love or respect her enough to realize the damage you did with this. Respect that she doesn't want to be part of a harem and let her find someone who will actually care for her since your failing to do just that.

4. Divorce wife and marry girlfriend since girlfriend is soooo important.

keko

Say what????

livelaughlovenow

I second this. I believe I gave similar advice in your first post, that I didn't see this situation working because you crossed the line with the GF after your wife and you had agreed it would be over, essentially having an affair. now you are wanting your wife to live a happy multifaceted relationship with you and your affair partner... she does not have to. Unfortunately, you didn't wrap it, and now have kids on both sides (your fault) your wife did not ask for that, that was not part of the deal based on your original post. She is not being heartless, she is heartbroken over your betrayal and dealing with a lot of screwed up emotions right now. You need to pick which woman you love more, your wife or your girlfriend and cut any romantic contact with the other one. Of course there are children so you will have to come up with a custody arrangement. And your wife does not have to leave the family home, and if she is smart, she will make you and your GF (kids included) find a new place. (And for the record I have thankfully never been cheated on by my husband so I have no resentment in my post other than putting myself in your wife's shoes and how she must feel right now).

keko

I think someone warned you a month ago....

Nova

ThatGirl: Yes the marriage does work for me. Aside from minor arguments it is a great situation. It isn't normal but it has worked. I am happy and I can't imagine not having either woman in my life. I love all my children and my older two love their twin brothers. What would you call asking me to kick out the mother of my children and my two youngest kids to be other than heartless? My boys won't have the life they deserve living in a studio apartment without their father.

Gaia: I've cheated long before the girlfriend. Its the truth. The difference with the girlfriend was that it was more above board. I did make some mistakes with becoming emotionally involved but thats in the past and nothing can be done about. My wife has known about my history of cheating. Never liked it but she has known about it. Its one of my flaws. I do a great job of providing for my family and I am a great father but I have always had issues with fidelity. No one is more important than the other. I love them both and I wish they would just get along. My wife says she doesn't want to leave... just that she wishes she didn't have this life. I don't think she will leave me. Things were very bad when she found out about the pregnancy and she talked about leaving me then but didn't. I do not think she will leave me but I don't want her to be unhappy. I love her and I want her to be happy.

Livelaughnow: It is my home. My wife doesn't work. I really don't think she has any claim to the home. I would not leave my home. Like I said asking one woman to leave isn't an option. I am open to doing almost anything else. I don't think two women qualifies as a harem. What can I do to help her with her emotions?

Keko: Child support is child support. If it comes to that I'll pay it. Honestly financials thankfully aren't an issue for us. But I want to do what it takes to prevent that from happening.

iheartlife

Perhaps (and I mean this sincerely) you would find better advice on a forum in support of polygamy. I'm sure forum members there would have concrete suggestions on how to help two "wives" get along. Unfortunately, I think you'll find the vast majority of people on this board believe in monogamy, which means that we don't have much in the way of practical advice.

To say the least.

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Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Turning the Mind Into an Ally

keko

Where is the gf sleeping? If you have a basement with a different entrance you may want to have her sleep there as to minimize her and your wife's contact. Other then that not much you can do, its all on them to either accept it or move on. Just accept whichever decision they may come to.

How is your/their family and friends looking at your lifestyle?

iheartlife

I spoke too soon!

__________________
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Turning the Mind Into an Ally

FrenchFry

I don't mean to be glib or obvious here but:

It's not working for your wife and it's destroying her inside to put on a happy face living with you and your girlfriend and your girlfriends kids. She feels stuck because she doesn't have the financial ground or the self esteem to leave.

She isn't going to be happy as long as she lives like this.

It's BS to say she has no claim in the home after raising your kids while you **** around.

You can probably make her happiest by setting her free and providing for her until she can lead a separate life, with your blessing since her self esteem is hopelessly entangled with your approval.

I mean...you knew this wasn't ideal, right?

PBear

Your marriage might be working peachy freaking keen for you, but it's obviously not working for your wife. Your expectation that she will happily roll over and accept this alternative relationship seems unreasonable to me, in the same way I wouldn't have expected my wife to accept an open relationship. And in this case, I just see benefits for you, with nothing much for her. If she wants a traditional relationship, she might as well ditch you, take the spousal and child support, and find a new guy who doesn't think he's entitled to a harem.

Just my $0.02 worth.

C
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Shaggy

It appears to work ONLY for you. Frankly you are beyond selfish. I'm sure a mental health profession would have a field day in your head.

Actual it is your wife's and you home. It is not the gfs home. She is an outsider. As for your wife, she is entitled to half of it when she divorces you.

Yes you will. It's the law and you have absolutely no choice in the matter.


Obviously your wife is getting her head together and is coming to realize that she is being abused emotionally and relegated to just another woman who had your kids.

The solution here is for her to fully realize how awful and wrong this situation is for her, and how damaging to the children. She needs to realize she does have options that don't include you, and she need to exercise those options. She can divorce you and talk 1/2 of all assets including pensions with her, and she can have you continue to pay child support and spousal support.

She may not realize that these things are her right to have, and she will get them in the divorce. She might be under the impression that she is trapped by you, but the law is fully supportive of her escaping this abusive situation.

FrenchFry

Cleaned a little, came back with more thoughts.

Some people aren't cut out for monogamy and that's fine.

Most people aren't cut out for polygamy either and that's fine too.

I think both of you guys need to acknowledge what you aren't cut out for and figure out a solution.

Would you be okay if you were in your wifes position? And would you be okay with giving your wife a taste of life without you?

Shaggy

Not entirely true. If the wife could get on here we would give her good advice on how to get out of this abusive relationship along with her kids.