General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I did a quick search on this, but didn't find anything similar in the first few pages so here we go.
What do you think the difference is between a relationship and a marriage? I've been living with my boyfriend for about a year and a half and we get along great. I know things will change with time, not just because of signing a marriage license, but also just as we grow dynamically. I think about the person I was just 4 years ago and I'm completely different now. I know issues will arise that we haven't faced before, but we've already been through a lot together. We were in a long distance relationship for 2 years, he helped me while I went through surgeries, we each moved to the other's country, we each had to communicate in a different language and learn a new culture, we each had to support the other while one couldn't work, we each had to do all the cleaning in the house, we each had to leave our families, we're going through residency processes now and later will do visa things, etc.
Sometimes I'm nervous about marriage and other times I think "can it really be that different? would our day-to-day life change that much?" But it's got to be different! Since I have no experience, I figure I'd ask here. Thanks!
Marriage is different in a lot of ways. For one it's permanent, or should be.
Think of your grandparents, your parents and your siblings. They are part of you in a way that your friends will never be. Marriage forms that kind of relationship between two people who were such a relationship would never exist.
It’s also a legal and financial contract. You are both legally responsible for each other in many ways, especially financially. When you become legally, financially responsible for another person your interest in them becomes much more acute. What each of you earns belongs to the other. The debts you make belong to each other.
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Here’s an analogy: There is a dress shop and a jewelry shop next door to each other. The owners are friends. But the financial wellbeing of each shop is up to the owner. Then one day they decide that they would both do better if they merged and become one shop, pooling together their resources. Now the actions of the jewelry shop owner will impact the wellbeing of the dress shop owner and vice versa. So they share in their joint profits and their joint loses/debts. But if one of them has something happen, like they get ill, the other can pitch in and carry the other until thing get better.
Or they might decide that one of them will handle the joint shop for a while and the other will take care of some new venture (like having children?).
Now the shop owners are so completely entwined in each other’s lives that they are one, united unit that, in the best of all worlds, works for the betterment of the union, each other and any other endeavor they work towards.
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Marriage provides a lot of assurance to a woman when she has children that they will have a father to around who loves them and helps care for them. It’s a lot easier to raise children when there art who parents involved with each other on a daily basis.
Keep in mind that most people who end up in prison come from single parent homes which did not have a father around. Being a child into an family situation where there is no father is most predictable way to ensure your children will be drug users and criminals. Yes I know that not all children raised in single parent homes become criminals. But almost all criminals come from this sort of home.
A couple can live together and not marry. They can have a good life. But they would have to draw up a lot of contracts between each other about finances and child issues to get the same protection that marriage gives them. And few couples who do not marry have the commitment that marriage is.
For me a relationship is take it as it comes with the ability to leave at any time. Marriage is a shared commitment to be together. This is the main difference for me. Leagaly. Marriage is a license to have sex and to transfer property. PeOple can marry for both or one or the other. Without a belief in the former the odds of it lasting are small. Posted via Mobile Device
I was not nervous about marriage but I didn't feel the need for it either. So long as we were together, that's what mattered to me. I wanted to live my life with him and was committed to him. The answer to his proposal came as a YES without hesitation though and I do love being married to him. The day to day is much the same for us. We'd already been through a lot together. We are both here because we want to be. Marriage will mean different things to different people and be more or less important to them. There are no guarantees in life one way or another. Why are you nervous about marriage? Are there doubts in your mind about him?
I mentioned "impermanence" on another thread. After I wrote that, I started thinking more on it and googled "Impermanence and marriage". I'm not Buddhist but I came across this:
And finally we’re saying “I do” to goodbye. This bond will end. Hello can only mean goodbye, one way or another. Some relationships are just mistakes. Or people grow and change. Relationships crater and nobody knows why. And if all else fails, we will certainly part at death. Saul Bellow once called this acknowledgment “the black backing on the mirror that allows us to see anything at all,” and isn’t that just the key to the whole thing? The deeper our connection becomes, the more I know the reality of its ending and the more passionately I’m able to feel his touch. I know this even when I hate him and when I love him so much that I plead for the opportunity to be married for all our lifetimes.
Each time my love expands by a molecule, it grows a molecule of sorrow. The more I love, the edgier it all feels, and the more courage is required. Where you get this courage, I really don’t know. Surprisingly, it just seems to be there. And if you’re looking for a crucible in which to heat compassion, this is a really good one. Someone once told me that compassion is the ability to hold love and pain together in the same moment. So at least we’re learning something, which is what I tell myself. It sort of helps, but not really.
Here’s something else I’ve learned about a relationship: Okay, so it’s not what you think it’s going to be, the feelings are always changing, and you’re going to have to say goodbye someday. But when you find your true love, there is something inside that simply and inexplicably says hello to him. Yes to him. Of course to him. Certainly. Obviously it’s you. There is no choice. I do.
Why are you nervous about marriage? Are there doubts in your mind about him?
I'm a little nervous because it's a really big deal. I have absolutely no doubts about my boyfriend. He's really the greatest thing in my life. But I think any big life change comes with a few jitters. In fact, I think that's good- knowing that not everything will be rainbows and butterflies all the time. Knowing that you're making a commitment that will hopefully be forever, but also something you'll have to work at every day to make sure not only you are happy, but so is your spouse. That's a pretty big deal if you ask me
I'm a little nervous because it's a really big deal. I have absolutely no doubts about my boyfriend. He's really the greatest thing in my life. But I think any big life change comes with a few jitters. In fact, I think that's good- knowing that not everything will be rainbows and butterflies all the time. Knowing that you're making a commitment that will hopefully be forever, but also something you'll have to work at every day to make sure not only you are happy, but so is your spouse. That's a pretty big deal if you ask me
I hope I didn't down-play my views on marriage/commitment. It does take dedication and continued awareness. For me, that wasn't something to be nervous about. We had things in common including our outlook in life and where we wanted to be, even though we can be complete opposites in many ways too. It felt right being around each other. That doesn't mean it's all been smooth sailing though. I don't think there'd be much chance for growth if it was all rainbows and unicorns.
You're right ~ it is a day to day commitment. That is a wonderful thing.
I'm a little nervous because it's a really big deal. I have absolutely no doubts about my boyfriend. He's really the greatest thing in my life. But I think any big life change comes with a few jitters. In fact, I think that's good- knowing that not everything will be rainbows and butterflies all the time. Knowing that you're making a commitment that will hopefully be forever, but also something you'll have to work at every day to make sure not only you are happy, but so is your spouse. That's a pretty big deal if you ask me
Yes it is a big deal, and if the two of you handle this right it could be the best thing you ever do in your life.
The best advise I can give you is for you to look at the links in my signature below for building a passionate marriage (passion here does not only mean sex... it's passion for everything in your marriage).
If the two of you read the books and work on them, you will know how to protect your marriage and build a truely passionate life together. The author also has books for egaged couples.
What's the difference? 
But I think any big life change comes with a few jitters. In fact, I think that's good- knowing that not everything will be rainbows and butterflies all the time. Knowing that you're making a commitment that will hopefully be forever, but also something you'll have to work at every day to make sure not only you are happy, but so is your spouse. That's a pretty big deal if you ask me
