General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Thanks for all of the quick responses and advice. This is a super crappy situation.
I know that maybe he is afraid to be married because his ex is raping him now for child support, etc. I understand that.
My whole thing is if that's the case then talk about it! I mean, right?
I'm also having some sort of entitlement feeling going on over here. We're going on four years so I damn well deserve to know where we're headed. If not, he should respectfully just say no. Such a coward.
He's going to regret it. I KNOW that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him. He's not going to find a woman that is going to take him in with his two daughters and his (step daughter) who he never fully adopted. He EXPECTS me to be kind and want her around as well whenever he has her because he tries to pick up her up every chance he can when he gets his daughter.
I deal with alot and accept alot. He doesn't see that though. For some reason he thinks that he's going to find another woman like me and I think he may have to learn the hard way.
Then again, we could break up and he get married within a year to someone else. That would just break my heart.
I'm so sad. Have never felt this sad in my life. He's been my best friend for so many years.
He's not going to find a woman that is going to take him in with his two daughters and his (step daughter) who he never fully adopted. He EXPECTS me to be kind and want her around as well whenever he has her because he tries to pick up her up every chance he can when he gets his daughter.
Um I don't want to point out the obvious, but just like he found you to be there for him, someone else could and would do the same thing.
I know what you want, but I'm afraid if you push this issue, you're going to get more of the same. Hostility. He's not going to tell you what you want to hear. He's not scared. If he truly loves you, he knows what he wants, don't tell that lie to yourself. He would have proposed to you a long time ago if that's what he wanted. 4 years have been invested here, not 4 months or 4 weeks.
It's not the child support. Although he'll be on the hook for your child together too if you do decide to leave him. I honestly don't think he believes you have the courage to leave him. You've done/taken a lot over these 4 years. You've shown him what you will already accept from him in this relationship. It doesn't sound balanced at all.
Okay what I'm about to tell you is HUGE. And its something that everyone needs to realize about people.
Actions speak louder than words.
He doesn't want to get married to you or anyone else. He wants to cake eat (getting all the benefits of marriage without the committment) and that's fine for HIM. Now you need to decide what you want and go from there. Has nothing to do with him anymore.
He's going to regret it. I KNOW that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him.
yeah for the first two weeks after my H left this was going through my mind. And I know damn well he won't find anyone like me, every single one of his friends and his own mother has told him the same
it makes no difference whatsoever
maybe he'll find out the hard way but by then you'll have moved on
I'm also having some sort of entitlement feeling going on over here. We're going on four years so I damn well deserve to know where we're headed. If not, he should respectfully just say no. Such a coward.
This is a problem. Not to be mean but he doesn't owe you anything. He told you who he was by way of his actions but you chose to move in, stay for 4 years AND get pregnant. These were all your choices and now you're just upset that it didn't go as you planned.
He's not a coward he told you how he felt and he continues to do so. What you do with that information is still up to you.
You did too good of a job acting married to him so he doesn't need the real thing... You are mothering his children, providing him with sex, getting pregnant, living with him... There is no reason for a man to get married when he is enjoying all the benefits of marriage...
One fact to point out is if he is the father of your child, you can rape him for child support no different than an ex wife could.
But at this point, this situation was created by your actions. In the future you should understand that you make the man work earn things rather than hand it to him. At this point though, your primary mode of decision should be "what is best for your child?"... What do you belive is in your child's best interest? That's what you should do.
There are women out there that are givers and pleasers to the point of losing their own sanity for a man.
My ex (the one I gave the ultimatum to) is finally getting remarried after being divorced from me 16 years to a woman that got pregnant just in Feb. She's been with him about 3 years... moved in with him last year. Our son is 19, and now he's about to have a newborn in the fall. He and I also battled in court for about 9 years, and she was privy to some of it in the beginning of their relationship. The stuff you think a woman would run from didn't deter her one bit. Now he's having ANOTHER shotgun wedding at the ripe age of 43.
A man that will fight you over marriage is not a man you want any relationship with. If you want to be married you need to go find a man who wants to be married too. This one isn't the one.
I am listening to you all. Promise! Is there a 360 move I should pull? Maybe stop playing the wife role?
Is it ever to late to stand up for myself and change things?
Please understand how hormonal and out of whack I am right now. It's so hard with all involved. I'm so involved with his family (his sisters love me), his daughters and I are so close, etc. etc. He has a lot to lose.
Again, so vulnerable. Just wanting to give it my all before I make a move. Not an easy one, at that.
P.S. His ex wife and I are really good friends as well. We have a great relationship. Do you see what I mean how he has a lot to lose?
If I weren’t pregnant I’d probably just give him an ultimatum. He’d probably just get up and leave.
YOU have answered your own question (even though it is not the answer you would have liked.)
IF you were NOT pregnant and you laid down an ultimatum, HE WOULD LEAVE YOU.
Therefore it is safe to assume that with you being pregnant, if you laid down an ultimatum and he DID NOT LEAVE YOU, it would be ONLY BECAUSE OF the child. THAT is NOT a good enough reason to get married. That is not a marriage that will last more than 5 years (and I'm probably being generous there!)
You need to make TWO important decisions. First things first! ASSUME the worst (thus you will be prepared for what YOU consider the worst possible outcome...if anything better comes out of it, you will be happily surprised!)
ASSUME you will be raising this child for 18+ years without your BF. ARE YOU WILLING TO DO THIS AGAIN? (I make ABSOLUTELY NO JUDGEMENT!) This is THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION YOU HAVE TO MAKE AT THIS TIME. Get this decision made FIRST THING.
Second decision, do you want to stay with BF? Considering he has NO RESPECT for you, I don't know why you'd want to stay with him. EVEN IF he married you tomorrow (because of the child or not because of the child), you will still be living with a man who DOES NOT RESPECT YOU. It is VERY DIFFICULT to love someone (especially in the long-term) THAT YOU DO NOT RESPECT.
Yes, you have 4 years invested with this man. You don't have to make it 5 years wasted with this man, or 7 years wasted with this man, or 14 years wasted with this man. If you're good enough to cook, clean, take care of his kids, but NOT to marry of his own free-will, then you're nothing but a very cheap nanny/housekeeper! Move on, and find someone NEW who will LOVE you and RESPECT you!
If he comes running after you with a ring once you've left, then SLAM THE DOOR IN HIS FACE! He's probably just figured out how much $$$ it's going to cost him to have a cleaning service, a cook, and a housekeeper watch his children on a regular basis. You gave him 4 years, now GIVE HIM THE BOOT!!!
I am listening to you all. Promise! Is there a 360 move I should pull? Maybe stop playing the wife role?
Is it ever to late to stand up for myself and change things?
Please understand how hormonal and out of whack I am right now. It's so hard with all involved. I'm so involved with his family (his sisters love me), his daughters and I are so close, etc. etc. He has a lot to lose.
Again, so vulnerable. Just wanting to give it my all before I make a move. Not an easy one, at that.
You've given him all you have already. Stop it.
You need to reconcile this within yourself. HE MAY NEVER MARRY YOU. Live with him and keep doing what you're doing if you want. But if you do, don't pressure him about getting married. You have to wait him out.
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Re: Will he ever marry me? Should I move on? 
