General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I'm from India, had an arranged marriage 3 years ago. The major problem i'm facing is with my mother in law. My wife is totally addicted to her mom, whatever problem she has , she just calls her up and asks for solution, without even thinking on her own. There were certain instances which have really made me loose my temper on her recently. Since last 3 years i was curious to know what talks she has with her mom, so last month, i installed a software in her phone which records her calls.
And now when i've heard everything what her mom thinks about me , i've totally devastated . Her mom is totally against me in every aspect of life like even entering her house, hugging my wife, having a child with my wife.
Whenever my wife attempts to do something on her own she pokes in and messes everything up.
In her house , her father is treated bad by her mom, for example in a particular situation , he was told to shut up his mouth by her mom.
i told her everything , that i have conversation of her mobile, just to know if she denies whatever talks she had with her mom.
She accepted everything , but told her mom too. I could not control my temper and abused her family on her face in front of my parents , i got so mad that i could not realize that every bad abuse in this world was thrown out of my mouth for her family. She got so frustrated of me , that she called up her father and asked him to take her away from my house.
Her father came and i told him everything what his wife thinks about me including his son.
He gave me excuses , that its all because i never solved my wife's problem, which is not at all true.
Now she has left me , and now after 4 weeks she has started sending me SMS's citing me of articles coming in newspapers regarding relationships, family and love. I do reply sometimes to such messages but not every time.
I know she loves me , but , is bad mouthing behind my back known to be love ?
Can somebody please guide me , what should i do ?
Where is this leading me ?
I've been counselled by a senior psychologist, and have been guided to go for anger management.
i agree i lose my temper easily, but who would not, hearing such things from my wife's family . i know her family is not gonna live with me , but she cannot leave them .
you know... arranged marriages are something that just shouldnt exist anymore.. and many would make the argument they should have never existed. it doesnt make sense to me... the whole point of an arranged marriage is that the parents choose the spouse... why would her parents choose you if they dislike you so much?
breaking up is hard.. and i know divorce is harder over there.. there's a lot more judgement about it over there. if it was a love marriage.. id say get the hell away from her parents... move as quickly as you can. since it's not a love marriage... i dont know how excited she'd be about that idea.
4 weeks seems like a long time to be separated without a clear answer. i was separated from my hubs for 4 days and lost my mind. maybe it's time to demand some changes and maybe even an ultimate decision about the marriage.
One would be justified in stopping reading after "arranged marriage". Unfortunately it sounds like your wife has no reason to think for herself. Her parents raised her, told her what to do and finally told her whom to marry. How would your wife, all of a sudden, learn to be independent and think for herself?
In my opinion, if you will make this marriage work, your wife has to establish boundaries with her mom. If she's sending you texts about relationships and love, send her a few articles on marriages with parental intrusions.
Thanks a lot for your kind help . The arranged marriage here is like that, but we had a courtship period of 5 months before finally getting married. She is 26+ . In those conversations she disagrees when her mother bad mouths me , but , the thing is, she is the one who calls her and listens to all that nonsense.
Thanks a lot to all of you for guiding me, but i need a proper guidance as to what should i do now ?
Divorce here in India is like a trauma for the whole family, not only mine, but hers too. But her parents do not realize this.
I love her a lot, i need her in my life . I don't know what is going on in her mind, what situation is she going through.
Can somebody please give a guidance to "a straight to the face" thing which impacts her mind ?
Time is flying, my business is getting disturbed, my mind is disturbed, its giving me sleepless nights.
Her mother is for sure mad, and she's also making my wife more mad.
I think that you are very justified to be hurt by the trash her mother talks about you.
Of course her mother is mad. She is used to being able to be mean to her husband, rule her daughter, bad mouth anyone she wants and get away with it.
It truly I shame that you acted on the information you gathered by recording the conversations. If you had waited until you calmed down and sought wise advise you might have been able to use the information to change your situation more easily.
But on the other hand, your MIL definitely deserved you blowing up on her. You are probably the only person who has stood up to her nonsense.
What you might want to do now is to start courting your wife. Start doing things with her. Talk to her about the marriage issues. Is there someone who she respects who can advise her about respecting you as her husband? Someone who can tell her that it’s wrong for her to run to her mother every time there is an issue? Could you afford for your wife to have a counselor she used as someone to talk to about things in her life? She seems to need that outlet.
In your culture, you wife will feel the pressure to get back with you. If you are a kind, loving husband this is a good thing.
It sounds like you got a bit abusive with our anger. Learn to control this so taht our wife can feel safe in coming back to you.
Marriage, like life, is a journey. This could just be a bump in the road if you and your wife use it to end the interference of her mother in your marriage. Fight for your wife and your marriage.
Thanks a Lot for your advice. I'm ready to talk to her in any possible way. 3-4 days back she called me up , but i didn't pick her phone. Yesterday there was a conversation between us thru SMS's . She is willing to talk to me , i know. But how do i know, if this another game plan of her mother playing her.
I agree, i was rude, my behavior was rude, but this isn't stopping her from going according to her mother. How would i know, if and when i call her, her mother is behind her and listening to all of it ?
as for the counselling, i have already met a Councillor , he says i should bring my wife along , like you said. But how do i convince her for counselling ? There's a School friend of mine who is happily married and settled in australia. His wife is someone who genuinely feels bad for us , and has many a times helped us to solve our issues. But asking her again for a similar problem stops me , thinking that i might be asking for too much and why should i poke their life for my trouble.
I've literally given up on everything as far as talking to her is concerned.
I can't trust her anymore.
Should i take last chance to call her from my side ?
[QUOTE=teenrap;800138]Thanks a Lot for your advice. I'm ready to talk to her in any possible way. 3-4 days back she called me up , but i didn't pick her phone. Yesterday there was a conversation between us thru SMS's . She is willing to talk to me , i know. But how do i know, if this another game plan of her mother playing her.
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Originally Posted by teenrap
I agree, i was rude, my behavior was rude, but this isn't stopping her from going according to her mother. How would i know, if and when i call her, her mother is behind her and listening to all of it ?
You will have to take this one step at a time.
First you have to re-establish contact. Then you need to work on building trust between the two of you. You need to show her that she can trust you to not be angry. Did you use any physical violence against her when you were so angry? If you did it will be hard for her to trust you. So you will need to learn to control your anger and your actions.
She will need to learn, over time, to be her own woman and not depend on her mom so much.
You will not know if her mother standing there coaching your wife. But right now you have to take what you can get. Talk to your wife. Ask her to go somewhere with you. Can you take her out to a restaurant? Out for coffee? Or even a walk… where you are alone with her?
Tell her that you love her and do not want to live without her. You want to fix this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by teenrap
as for the counselling, i have already met a Councillor , he says i should bring my wife along , like you said. But how do i convince her for counselling ? There's a School friend of mine who is happily married and settled in australia. His wife is someone who genuinely feels bad for us , and has many a times helped us to solve our issues. But asking her again for a similar problem stops me , thinking that i might be asking for too much and why should i poke their life for my trouble.
Tell your wife that you want to her to come to counseling to help you be a better husband. Take all of the ‘blame’ for the need of going to counseling on yourself. It does not matter how you get her there. Be a humble man in his and it will go a long way.
Speaking of people who are abroad, could you get a position abroad and move away with your wife? One cure for the issue of her mom running your marriage would be to be too far away from her mom. Perhaps you could move near your friend who has helped you. She could befriend your wife and help your wife mature into an independent wife.
Quote:
Originally Posted by teenrap
I've literally given up on everything as far as talking to her is concerned.
I can't trust her anymore.
I can understand this. And you need to find a way to make this very clear to your wife. She needs to know that it’s wrong for a spouse to tell everything to their mother and let their mother run the marriage. And it’s wrong to allow anyone to bad mouth their spouse. The only time this might be even remotely acceptable is if the spouse is being abusive and thus the abused spouse would need support to end the marriage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by teenrap
Should i take last chance to call her from my side ?
Yes, you should take a last chance to call her to your side. Tell her this is the one chance you will give her. So she has to take it seriously.
She has to do the work necessary to earn back her trustworthyness. You need to do the same because of your anger outburst.
2. If she says yes, then you may consider this for an ultimatum
3. She can NEVER again call your mother to complain about you two or seek advice. Bottom line. If she or even you have issues about your marriage you guys need to discuss it with one another or a counselor, NOT her mother.
Both of us will confront your mother TOGETHER as a UNIT. I will ask your mother why she hates me and what can I do to change this. If your mother doesnt want to reconcile with me, then you as my wife MUST tell you mother, that even though you love her, you will end all contact with her if she ever bad mouths my husband again..
If she cannot do this, the remain apart and see if she matures in about 3 months or so.
BUt you also need to cool your temper and be more respectful to your wife.
You will have to take this one step at a time.
First you have to re-establish contact. Then you need to work on building trust between the two of you. You need to show her that she can trust you to not be angry. Did you use any physical violence against her when you were so angry? If you did it will be hard for her to trust you. So you will need to learn to control your anger and your actions.
She will need to learn, over time, to be her own woman and not depend on her mom so much.
You will not know if her mother standing there coaching your wife. But right now you have to take what you can get. Talk to your wife. Ask her to go somewhere with you. Can you take her out to a restaurant? Out for coffee? Or even a walk… where you are alone with her?
Tell her that you love her and do not want to live without her. You want to fix this.
Thanks for your precious advice. Ok, I agree , i'll convince her to go out for a coffee or something just to have a word with her. I know she'll get convinced, but her mom again pokes in, i know this coz this has happened before too. Whenever i tell her , that i'm so in love with her , she tells her mom, and her mom tells her in such a way that she feels im nothing. Like, for example, she will tell her that now my ego has collapsed and this guy will beg for you to come back into his life. This will again disturb her mind and would force her change her decision and drop the idea of going out . This has happened many a times before that's why now every step i take has to be of such an impact that it should directly hit the bulls eye. I know this isn't some game, this is our life. But when MIL is like that , what more options should i have ? And , yes, there were physical abuses too but we both were equally involved in that .
Quote:
Speaking of people who are abroad, could you get a position abroad and move away with your wife? One cure for the issue of her mom running your marriage would be to be too far away from her mom. Perhaps you could move near your friend who has helped you. She could befriend your wife and help your wife mature into an independent wife.
This is not possible, coz i have a well settled business to take care of for whole of my life.
And for an instance, maybe i am able to convince her that she shouldn't involve her mom in our life, On what grounds should i trust her, after so much has happened.
I'll definitely give it one last try , like you say. I hope this time GOD Listens and makes her realize about the right things in life.
2. If she says yes, then you may consider this for an ultimatum
3. She can NEVER again call your mother to complain about you two or seek advice. Bottom line. If she or even you have issues about your marriage you guys need to discuss it with one another or a counselor, NOT her mother.
Both of us will confront your mother TOGETHER as a UNIT. I will ask your mother why she hates me and what can I do to change this. If your mother doesnt want to reconcile with me, then you as my wife MUST tell you mother, that even though you love her, you will end all contact with her if she ever bad mouths my husband again..
If she cannot do this, the remain apart and see if she matures in about 3 months or so.
BUt you also need to cool your temper and be more respectful to your wife.
That's the way i was actually looking for to solve this misery. Thanks a Lot for your precious advice. But, this is another problem, when i will use this word "NEVER" to call her mother, i don't think she will stop at this , and will continue letting her know every situation. I'll definitely will take us to a Councillor and will make her understand that enough is enough else we should part away . right ?
And as far as confronting to her mother is concerned , i am strictly not willing to even look at any person who does not respect me , and abuses me .
AM i fine with my decision ?
Not being willing to confrot her in this instance is one of those situations called "Manning Up"....you have to be calm cool collected, maybe even write out on paper ahead of time what you wish to say to her mom once you get face to face but you need to deal with her. One of two things are gonna happen..
she will hate you more..but what do you care
by doing this you may be able to lay the groundwork for her to begin to respect you
Not being willing to confrot her in this instance is one of those situations called "Manning Up"....you have to be calm cool collected, maybe even write out on paper ahead of time what you wish to say to her mom once you get face to face but you need to deal with her. One of two things are gonna happen..
she will hate you more..but what do you care
by doing this you may be able to lay the groundwork for her to begin to respect you
Thanks ! I received a call from her today. In a matter of minutes , she again started arguing on what happened , even though i was calm when the conversation started. She accepts that what her mother addressed me as was crap, but on other hand, She wants me to feel sorry for recordings i made. I also old her that we can go for a counselling session , coz our parents are not capable of solving our problem , neither are we. But i guess, she again will take permission from her mom and tell everything what i'm asking for.
I guess she'll never change .
Please guide me , what i should now do , so it acts an ultimatum to her. ?
My friend there really isnt more to say or guide you on.
You have some advice which is good advice and now you need to put in into play. Refine, it, revise it and compromise, but she should honor your wishes if her mom is that bad.
The only other thing I can suggest is...if she isn gonna change and you dont want to end the marriage..
Let it be....ONLY and ONLY if she isnt taking her mothers suggestions and/or disrespecting you. If she can do that then maybe just start training yourself to let it be, ignore it and just deal with it.
Apologize for recording her and also thank her for not disrespecting you and tell her you would hope she will always defend you to her mom during their talks...and as long as you are a caring loving husband who keeps his temper in check, my bet is she will.
My friend there really isnt more to say or guide you on.
You have some advice which is good advice and now you need to put in into play. Refine, it, revise it and compromise, but she should honor your wishes if her mom is that bad.
The only other thing I can suggest is...if she isn gonna change and you dont want to end the marriage..
Let it be....ONLY and ONLY if she isnt taking her mothers suggestions and/or disrespecting you. If she can do that then maybe just start training yourself to let it be, ignore it and just deal with it.
Apologize for recording her and also thank her for not disrespecting you and tell her you would hope she will always defend you to her mom during their talks...and as long as you are a caring loving husband who keeps his temper in check, my bet is she will.
Good luck
Thanks a Lot for this lovely piece of advice. I'll do like you say, i should . Thanks again, This kinda help , is not given by my own people. U r anonymous , and still helping me ..
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Troubled Marriage of 3 years 
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