First things first, I didn't know where to post this thread, given the subject. If this is the wrong place, I apologise and would take no offence if it were to be relocated.
So, uhm. WOW.
I have had strange feelings since I was as young as 12 / 13. This thread has been deleted, copy pasted, re-written. You name it. but I think I am ready to openly admit it. I am bisexual.
Consider this my coming out post... Having to take breaks whilst writing this, adrenaline is making it hard to type.
I better explain myself. Since I was a young teen, I have had feelings for both genders. I have always been very much in touch with my feminine side, it is a common topic in many of my family members jokes towards me. Most people who know me are aware of my quirks and how comfortable I am with my sexuality.
My Wife and I are extremely open with each other, this is mainly due to her being the key that unlocked my emotions from the cage of crappy childhood. I feel like I could share anything with my wife and she would accept it, she is extremely tolerant and understanding. I caught a good one.
We have always joked, since very early on in our relationship, about "so if you were gay, which celebrity tickles your fancy?"
These little lighthearted discussions would always end in laughter, my Wife is also very open minded towards this sort of thing. During these discussions the topic of love comes up now and then. My Wife holds the opinion that love is love and she sees it as falling in love with the person, rather than the gender attached to that person. I share the same opinion, to an extent.
It has been building, for a long time now. I am past joking about which actor I find dishy. I think I am finally ready to accept that I like men aswell.
It is just really hard to express, I am most certainly not gay by any means, I do not love my wife any less and the fact that she is not a man has absolutely zero traction on how I feel about our marriage. I also don't feel like I am ready to run off and ditch my Wife for a bloke, I am perfectly happy and contented in my marriage, it is just that I have to come to terms with these feelings sooner or later.
Has anybody else been through this? It truely is an incredibly strange and foreign feeling.
The first step was this post, plucking up the courage to admit it to myself. I feel like I could share this with my Wife and she would be comfortable with it, only I am struggling to find ways to approach the subject.
Would you tell your partner something like this? How would you do it? Do you think it would be healthy?
I am open to all opinions on this, especially if it is something you have gone through yourself.
I think it would help to know how you found out. Did you cheat on your wife with a man? Or did you somehow come to that realization without cheating. The latter situation is, in my opinion, much easier. And based on how you described your relationship with your wife, it sounds like you can basically come out and say it, after a brief intro/lead-in. It is still hard to utter those words but, as long as you're still in love with and committed to her AND COMMUNICATE THAT in your revelation, you guys may end up even closer after the conversation than you are now. Good luck!
if my hubs told me that i'd die. maybe your wife is much more open than me.. thinking about him being with another man or wanting to be with another man creeps me out. i dont harbor any negative feelings against glbt peeps... just dont want my hubs to be one of them. not what i signed up for. to me... ignorance would be bliss.
Lone Ranger, she may already know. She suspects it at the very least, given your "celebrity" conversations and the other hints you've dropped. But given how tolerant of sexuality and gender you describe your wife as being, she should ultimately be okay with your expressed orientation.
My question is, why didn't you tell her sooner that you had these feelings? I mean, openly tell her? You say you felt this when you were young; why didn't you admit it before you married her? She'll probably continue to love and accept you, but you've betrayed her trust here. Hiding that part of yourself from the most important person in your life ... that's a sting.
Tell her. She's your wife and she deserves to have this piece of you. Even if you never come out to anyone else, come out to her. She's your world. Honor that with truth.
First of all, I'm proud of you for being strong enough to admit this to yourself, and talk about it
Yes, do tell her she deserves the chance to decide for herself what to do about this. It will be difficult for her, sure, but it's an unavoidable fact that needs to be talked about between the two of you because you are partners in this marriage and life and should work this out together. There is a chance it will not end well, but it must be done. She deserves to know the truth, and you deserve to be free of any guilt and secrets.
Decide what it is you want and need out of life as a bisexual. Do you want to experience both genders? Or are you okay with only being with your wife forever? She will most likely ask you these things. If you do not know, maybe she can help work it out with you.
Anyway, I know it must be scary to talk to her, but you are doing the right thing, for both of you.
I honestly don't know how I would react if my husband told me he was bi. It would be utterly shocking. I would be blindsided. It's one thing to joke about things like your example about gay celebrities(and we do ...all the time..much the same way you do) but it's another to find out your mate is sexually attracted to both genders.
Such news would DEFINITELy take some getting used to.
The dealbreaker *for me* would be if he wanted to have relationships with men while married to me. That would not be acceptable with me because the deal we made when we married was we would forsake all others.
On this site we often talk about having strong barriers against opposite sex friendships growing into more intimate attachments. In your case, I think you now need to realize you need to keep your guard up in friendships with men as well. Maybe you're already doing this and I'm preaching to the choir.
Cheers for the thought provoking questions all. I will try to answer what I can.
The first one would be that, the reason I have not told my Wife or had the urge to tell my Wife until recently is due to not being 100% certain myself.
I have always been more attracted to women than men. Men were just an afterthought. It was primiarly the women which got my motor racing, so to speak. With saying that though, I have on many occasions been turned on by men (there is a certain body type)
I have been with my Wife since I was 17, we got married at 20 and have a 9 month old Son together. I am currently 24 years old. So in the grand scheme of things, I have not had much time to understand myself or my feelings. From what I understand of bisexuality, it can be common that you can feel geater arousal from one gender than the other. For some people it is the same gender, others the opposite gender, but bottom line is you are attracted to both.
Next up is that I have no intention to cheat on my Wife. I have experimented as a teen anyway, my Wife knows this. As somebody said, it is probably very likely my Wife already knows all of this. She is great at putting things together and I can only think that the reason there has been radio silence is that she is fine with it. Trust me, if something is a problem my Wife will definately let you know about it.
I guess it matters because I want to approach my marriage with complete trust and honesty. This is something I have only just come to terms with myself, I did not withold it knowingly before marriage. If I was certain about this sort of thing, it is something I would have let my Wife know in the very early stages of our relationship.
I don't know what I want out of this. All I know is that my Wife isn't going anywhere. I am strongly against cheating and I could not be in an open marriage. Aknowledging these feelings does not give me the instant urge to go pull a guy off the street for the sake of it. There has also only ever been 1 guy I had sexual feelings for, that I personally knew ofcourse. I think that I would like to experiment some more, but not with anyone other than my Wife. Of all things, I feel like this would be a longest bridge to cross and it is something I am not willing to approach just yet.
How would you react to this sort of thing? Would you feel different if your husband approached you with this under the context of "I am straight" or would it freak you under the context of "I am bisexual" ???
I could see the two different contexts having greatly different reactions personally.
As for the "Finding men attractive is not the same as wanting sex with them." THIS is what I put it down to all these years. I just fobbed it off. I am very intune with my feminine side anyway, I just put it down to this. "Hey, I am so secure in my sexuality that I can agree with you, that guy is gorgeous" etc etc etc... But it turns out it is more than that. It is why these feelings have confused me for so long.