NixT

hi from a winters day in joburg.

i have been lurking here for a while and finally decided to jump in. hubby and i have been together for 8 years married for 6. a lot of jealousy, fights and claims of infidelity on my part going back to before we were married (never happened), which he recently admitted he no longer believes i did (so wtf have i gone through in terms of trying to prove this to him for the last 8 years?)

Very bad ongoing money issues as well. We have received an eviction notice, havent paid rent or utilities for months, hubby gets a bee in his bonnet with someone at work and simply walks out so we have that stress added on every few months, living month to month basically, no medical, no luxuries. is this how he looks after me?

Cant afford m/c.

anyway i have also had a long standing issue with alcohol and marijuana, since before we met. its pretty much under control now though.. anyway, last september it was still an issue and he decided he could no longer deal with it and literally told me to f*** off; separated, divorce papers imminent, etc. He kicked me out, i moved in with family.

Anyway, I took comfort in the arms of another, a 3 week fling with an older guy; we slept together twice; it was good for my ego, and given what hubby and I had been through in terms of all the emotional abuse and all the fights pretty much since we'd met, I wanted to move on and forget as quickly as possible.

then hubby decides he wants me back. i ended it with the o/m immediately, have gone NC ever since.

3 months after coming home i come clean about what happened with the o/m. now I am paying for it every single day. am sorry i ever came clean, except for knowing the guilt would have done for me and I knew it was wrong to hide it, I gave him the choice and he said he wants me still to stay. but hubby triggers for everything! everything and at any time!! even money issues are somehow now my fault because of what i did. Nothing helps when he triggers, i cant say or do the right thing EVER. he can say what he wants to me (go suck O/M's c***, seeing as you enjoyed it so much then, etc), really nasty stuff and a lot of the time when i am trying to be supportive, he picks that as the time to throw it in my face and it makes me think, why bother?

Any suggestions? is he allowed to talk to me that way? what is the line between being abusive and "getting it out of your system". i have encouraged him to not hold it in but does this give him the right to be so horrible? i try not get defensive and I am owning my actions and doing my best to make amends, but he refuses to see that it was OUR actions that lead us to such an unhappy place; the affair (if thats what you choose to call it) was NOT the main event, it was a result of so much unhappiness.

He refuses to see that that HE kicked me out, we were SEPARATED with (at the time) no chance of a recon. There are SO MANY WORSE WAYS i could have done this, fcuked another man in his bed, carried on the affair after I came home, fallen pregnant with O/M's baby, etc, and when he gets angry, he even goes as far as to text the OM to tell him I'm available, and to enjoy.

What the F is the point of coming clean to someone who will NEVER let it go? If he can spend 8 years obsessing over a non event, what is going to happen with this? im so screwed..

How do you prove your love and your genuine desire to reconcile? why is it not working for me?

just a vent and feeling sorry or myself really. need some advice.

Help pls.

sinnister

I hope you have your big girl pants on because over here..cheating spouses usually get told the cold hard truth.

I'll give it to you "lite" because they are much better than I am about articulating this stuff.

If you were unhappy about your marriage before the affair you should have left. It seems by your post that your using tough times to justify what you did. That doesn't at all seem remorseful.

It doesn't matter that you were seperated. I know that sounds weird but it's true I think in this case. Because before you reconciled you should have told him about the other man. The fact that you held on to that bit of info for 3 months automatically makes him think that the previous 8 years of accusing you of lying to him was justified.

I let the others talk to you about the triggering more in depth. But let's just say you have no idea the hell he's going through. But do you really care? Or are you more interested in getting him to stop bothering you about it? That's how your post comes across.

NixT

That's ok, like i said I have been lurking for a while, I know how it is here.

I regret my actions towards my husband and the thought of me hurting him so badly makes me sick. I hate myself as a person, am far from forgiving myself for my actions and I don't like how weak I have made myself out to be.

I truly want to make amends towards him. He is a good man despite all his faults and he didn't deserve it, regardless of what I felt at the time. I should have done the honorable thing and waited for the divorce; people do funny, stupid, reckless things under stress and devastation. sigh..

Ja, my post didn't come out exactly the way I wanted it to. Sorry about that.

Im not saying it does't matter and I do know i should have told him before. I am sick over the whole "could have, should have, would have" saga. truly.

I don't expect him to get over it. I know he never really will. I want him to get it out. I take responsibility for my actions and I acknowledge the severity of what I did...

I just want to know what I can do to help him bear it. I want to help him to heal from this horrid, horrible thing that I did. I want to make amends.