hi from a winters day in joburg.
i have been lurking here for a while and finally decided to jump in. hubby and i have been together for 8 years married for 6. a lot of jealousy, fights and claims of infidelity on my part going back to before we were married (never happened), which he recently admitted he no longer believes i did (so wtf have i gone through in terms of trying to prove this to him for the last 8 years?)
Very bad ongoing money issues as well. We have received an eviction notice, havent paid rent or utilities for months, hubby gets a bee in his bonnet with someone at work and simply walks out so we have that stress added on every few months, living month to month basically, no medical, no luxuries. is this how he looks after me?
Cant afford m/c.
anyway i have also had a long standing issue with alcohol and marijuana, since before we met. its pretty much under control now though.. anyway, last september it was still an issue and he decided he could no longer deal with it and literally told me to f*** off; separated, divorce papers imminent, etc. He kicked me out, i moved in with family.
Anyway, I took comfort in the arms of another, a 3 week fling with an older guy; we slept together twice; it was good for my ego, and given what hubby and I had been through in terms of all the emotional abuse and all the fights pretty much since we'd met, I wanted to move on and forget as quickly as possible.
then hubby decides he wants me back. i ended it with the o/m immediately, have gone NC ever since.
3 months after coming home i come clean about what happened with the o/m. now I am paying for it every single day. am sorry i ever came clean, except for knowing the guilt would have done for me and I knew it was wrong to hide it, I gave him the choice and he said he wants me still to stay. but hubby triggers for everything! everything and at any time!! even money issues are somehow now my fault because of what i did. Nothing helps when he triggers, i cant say or do the right thing EVER. he can say what he wants to me (go suck O/M's c***, seeing as you enjoyed it so much then, etc), really nasty stuff and a lot of the time when i am trying to be supportive, he picks that as the time to throw it in my face and it makes me think, why bother?
Any suggestions? is he allowed to talk to me that way? what is the line between being abusive and "getting it out of your system". i have encouraged him to not hold it in but does this give him the right to be so horrible? i try not get defensive and I am owning my actions and doing my best to make amends, but he refuses to see that it was OUR actions that lead us to such an unhappy place; the affair (if thats what you choose to call it) was NOT the main event, it was a result of so much unhappiness.
He refuses to see that that HE kicked me out, we were SEPARATED with (at the time) no chance of a recon. There are SO MANY WORSE WAYS i could have done this, fcuked another man in his bed, carried on the affair after I came home, fallen pregnant with O/M's baby, etc, and when he gets angry, he even goes as far as to text the OM to tell him I'm available, and to enjoy.
What the F is the point of coming clean to someone who will NEVER let it go? If he can spend 8 years obsessing over a non event, what is going to happen with this? im so screwed..
How do you prove your love and your genuine desire to reconcile? why is it not working for me?
just a vent and feeling sorry or myself really. need some advice.