General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
First I should explain that I'm very sick and am on disability with a auto immune disease that has caused me to lose one of my lungs and has caused sever small fiber neuropathy and degeneration of me spine. This has put a lot of stress on my wife as a care taker watching me in so much pain and not being able to do any about it and worried about me dying. So My wife is going to counseling to deal with this as well as issues with her parents and issues in our marriage.
Being in so much pain and also the side effect of the medicine have taken away my sexual desires. My wife understands that, this counselor made a suggestion to my wife as one way to deal with this is to take on a lover. I was horrified our marriage was in a state that if some man had started paying attentioni to her that this could of happened.
My wife and worked out a lot of stuff and I have been trying to be a better husband despite being sick and she has said that she has really seen me trying and thing have bee going really well until her last session yesterday. Where she told my wife that I a behavior addiction because I like to spend a lot of time on the computer and video games. Of course I took issue this and explained that see is only seeing a very small section of a picture and only from my wife's point of view, and my wife is upset at me now because I refuse to admit I'm an addict and I need to get treatment as an addict. I play video games because it takes my mind of the pain and its a distraction. Wife has always resented the computer because in the early years of our my marriage I would always go play on it to get a away from ranting so she still hate them because of that.
Is is it ethical for this counselor to offer a lover as an option for my wife and then to make a diagnosis of my behavior to my wife causing more conflict with us?
Well, about the video games...there could be an addiction. Even if you are using it as an escape from pain, it could easily become an addiction. BUT, that has NOTHING on the therapist suggesting that your wife take a lover. My first thought was WHAT. THE. FVCK?!?!?!?! It is very unethical. Your wife told you this, I assume. Honestly, I would bring this to the attention of the therapist's supervisor.
Before you got sick... where you using the computer to get away from your wife ranting? Or were you using it to keep yourself from ranting at her?
How many hours a day do you spend on the computer?
Was it unethical for her counselor to say an affair was an option? Since I was not there I do not know the contect in which this was said. If the counselor really meant it not cool at all.
Wow! Ridiculous! Time for a new counselor! Call that office first thing in the AM and report the incident to her superiors. Don't fall for the that "it was taken out off context" bs. Something like that should have never been said. Report them to the state governing agency and any affiliated boards. Sorry for what you and your family are going through. Your family doesn't need crap like that too. Try and give your wife a little more with the game stuff. You already know she needs some more help from you. It's very little to give up, try a book. Good luck.
Yes he should report it immediately to the supervisor. Odds are the therapist did not really say this unless you her it directly form them. Your wife is probably spinning a little.
Anyway, a new counselor is in order it seems.
And yes your wife may have brought this up in a leading way and took what she was told as validation. Maybe she told you this to get you to change your behavior. The counselor may believe that women have the right to have lovers on the side if they think they will be happier. That would mean they have a different value system than many.
I can't help but wonder if the genders were reversed if folks would not be bashing on the husband for considering a lover .... perhaps. On this forum this works both ways of course. A gender bias does creep in.
I do think you need to do what you can anc change what you can to do things with your wife. Stop doing things that are purely self centered. Start today.
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Last edited by Entropy3000; 06-08-2012 at 08:38 AM.
I don't know that there is anything wrong or unethical for the therapist to say either one. Maybe it is, but I don't know all of the ethics and conditions they are supposed to abide by. If it's not breaking some kind of rule, then the way I see it is she is your wife's therapist and not a marriage counselor for the both of you. Therefore, one of the jobs of the individual counselor is to help a person solve their problems and give them the tools and skills for relating to and coping with their life and the problems they must face.
I know how easy (and very common) it is to find an outsider to blame. One good example is when a husband or wife wants to beat up, curse out, and be angry with the person their spouse is having an affair with. They want to blame the affair partner, rather than blaming and being angry with their spouse for the infidelity. In your case, you want to blame the therapist for something she obviously did not pull out of thin air. There has to be a reason she said those things, and that is what you have not considered. You automatically jumped to blaming the therapist without even considering your wife's role in what prompted the therapist's advice.
In other words, your wife is the one who complained that you spend too much time on the computer and video games. Is the therapist in your home watching your every move? Is she there timing how much time you spend on the computer and video games? No she isn't. She had no idea what you do from dawn to dusk and didn't give your wife advice based on nothing that she pulled from her imagination. So why blame the therapist for offering your wife the clinical definition of someone who spends too much time on the computer and video games when your wife complained of you spending too much time on the computer and video games? That is what your wife complained about, so that is what the therapist helped her to understand is going on.
Similarly, your wife is the one who complained of her sex life. Again, the therapist didn't imagine there were any problems on that account, so why blame the therapist for offering your wife a solution to what your wife sees as a problem worth complaining about? In the absense of any other options short of living without sexual satisfaction ever again, the therapist suggested the only way she could see your wife getting what she needs. This is part of the therapist's job, and I'm sure was not intended to hurt you in any way. Her patient/client is the one she is supposed to be concerned about.
If anyone, I think your wife is the unethical person in this scenario. She came home telling you what the therapist said but never confessed to what she, herself, said to the therapist. Therefore, she gave you a skewed version of their session, resulting in her looking like the innocent party and you the injured party. And, you didn't process it out in your head. You just immediately jumped to being angry with the therapist for saying such things.
Additionally, I think your wife is unethical to tell you about any of it. It was cruel of her to tell you something in such a manner she knew would hurt your feelings. That was incredibly insensitive to your feelings. If your illness is such that you are unable to satisfy her in bed the way she needs you to, then she has no compassion for your condition by telling of their discussion like that. I perfectly understand she still has needs and desires, so she spoke with her therapist about that just as she speaks of practically everything about her life. But, she didn't have to tell you about it that way.
Not to be harsh or insensitive myself, her taking a lover may be something for the two of you to consider as a viable option. It doesn't have to mean she loves you any less or that she won't continue to help with your care. It only means, for your consideration, that she is not ill or invalid. She still has inclinations that she shouldn't have to abandon, especially since there is no way to abandon them. I really understand if that is not a possibility you wish to entertain. Still, it may be something to think about, and then you and your wife can discuss it openly and honestly.
River is spot on. And I will add this: Not to make light of your condition, but if computer games are a sore spot in your marriage, why are you not looking for other ways to take your mind off your pain, ways that won't upset your wife? There are only about 30 million books in the world that you could be reading. There are books you could be reading together.
There are also chess, checkers, jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles, Monopoly, and a few thousand other games you two could be spending time together doing, to strengthen and improve your marriage, instead of you just sitting in front of a machine while she is ignored.
She could be helping you with physical therapy. You could be doing yoga or tai chi together. You could be going on walks together or, if you can't walk, you could use a wheelchair.
Bottom line is this: you two are VERY entrenched in your own, individual behaviors. That's not a marriage, so it's no surprise she's complaining about you to her therapist. But you have the tools at your disposal to make a change, in which she will fall in love with you again, instead of getting to the point where she only stays out of guilt. It's up to you.
Is is it ethical for this counselor to offer a lover as an option for my wife and then to make a diagnosis of my behavior to my wife causing more conflict with us?
To my knowledge, there is nothing in the ABPN or the Board of Psychology ethics code that specifically prohibits a therapist from recommending that a lady find a lover. Just like the U.S. Penal Code does not explicitly prohibit a dumb@ss from being a dumb@ss. Your wife just needs to be careful with whose advice she takes close to heart.
If a random stranger told her to eat ****, would she do it just because they said so? Well this therapist is a perfect stranger, and just because they completed four years of postgraduate general/specialized education in psychology, cognitive psych, developmental and whatever else they completed, it doesn't automatically qualify them to make recommendations that involve infidelity in a marriage, regardless of the situation.
If you have an addiction, then it's not the therapist's job to insist that your wife cope by making you admit to it and get therapy for it. It's the therapist's job to help her cope with her world as it is. Sometimes therapists will suggest really far out ideas in order to shock the client into deciding where their parameters are. Most people, me included, would probably do a knee-jerk on the take on a lover suggestion, can the therapist and get on with their lives, realizing that they and only they are capable of deciding how best to cope given their daily landscape. People who are looking for permission to do something they've already thought of, will take the suggestion as permission. From an outside source though. Pretty much the therapist is doing you a favor in that respect by accelerating the process and making it an open one that you can know about and evaluate and then decide what to do. I mean, your wife doesn't have to take someone telling her to do that seriously, but she can choose to take it seriously.
I canned a therapist because when I told her I intended to apply to graduate school at Dartmouth, she asked me why I thought I would get in. And acted like it was unreasonable. Of course I applied, and I got in, and I graduated and even got a citation for excellence. Then I worked in my program as a teaching assistant for a bit, too.
Some therapists do push the limits. They suggest outrageous things like taking lovers and well maybe your husband is an addict...
Of course, your reaction could be, okay I will see an addiction specialist to be assessed and we'll see if I am truly addicted or if it is your perception.
I was misdiagnosed once as having psychotic anxiety. Instead of shirking from that, I took it seriously. I went to one of the best mental health centers in the US, to the walk-in clinic. I went through the whole evaluation. I did not have psychotic anxiety. I did not have any diagnosis, except PTSD from the misdiagnosis (duh.) It finally turned out I'd had allergic anaphylaxis. But the point is, if someone accuses you of having an addiction, go to get assessed. If you are addicted, you can get treatment, if you aren't then that's one less monkey on your back, and it's up to you to decide if the time spent playing video games has some kind of curve that has a point where there are diminishing returns, beyond which you might want to curtail (or not).
It seems like there is a lot of theory and conjecture going on used to create some kind of verbal chaos and not enough actual fact finding or reality checks.
Maybe the therapist just wants to make sure to have income for the next year or two.
I spent three hours in the kitchen this afternoon making zucchini bread with icing, and homemade macaroni and cheese for my kids, and cleaning up. I wonder if i am addicted to the kitchen...and since there is nobody around who cares, is it still an addiction, or does an addiction need to have someone that it bothers (I thought it was just that it needed to interfere with the addictee's daily life, i.e. working, taking care of oneself, and that it needed to be causing some kind of personal distress, that came from within...seems like your distress is coming from someone else. I mean, really, if you spent all that time with her she would probably resent spending time with you on top of everything else she does for you...but you won't know until you try to find out.)
Such a statement would not have necessarily violated the Code of Ethics that was in practice when I actively worked in the mental health field some years ago, but it is definitely borderline.
I think if you take it to a supervisor, the issue would focus on whether the counselor's advice was harmful to the patient's stated goals for therapy or likely to cause harm. Obviously, the second part is where this therapist could be flirting with trouble. However, it would also be easy for the therapist to defend it as a rhetorical question or something your wife initiated discussion about.
As a therapist, the counselor should be sensitive to the patient's needs, but isn't obligated to meet the patient's family members' needs. One thing I think is important (but wouldn't be examined in this case) is the trusted authority dynamic that takes place during therapy, which can be an ethical concern but as stated earlier, it isn't specifically prohibited to suggest something "far out."
To be honest with you, I think your wife is handing you a line of bull**** as NO counselor is going to say, "Oh..you're husband is disabled and can't perform...go have an affair.."
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Is my wife therapist unethical? 
