General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Just relinquished control to their spouse completely and tried their ideas completely for a month? Based on the things that my husband said today. I think I am willing to try that first before MC (I will still do IC in the meantime anyway I need it) and see if his methods work.... he has a very laid back approach to life in general. I am a planner, a doer, a solver, a thinker. He is a take em as they come type person, very easy going most of the time and just wants to have fun. God he mentioned that many times today. That's all we do on the weekends is have fun. He even resents that I have to make sure that chores get done first... so I was thinking.... 30 days of doing things totally his way, he leads things in the direction that he wants them to go and I do it with an open mind, open heart and have as much fun as I can in the process. At the end, see how much progress we have made and if we don't both agree we've made enough then go to MC.... For the record right now he is pretty much a stay at home Dad, he works a part time job in the evenings...but isn't gone late. So he has plenty of time to think about it, plan it do whatever, or wing it by the seat of his pants if that is what he wants to do. But I think it would be an eye opening experience for both of us. Plus, most of our relationship I have influenced the major decisions. To be honest, and if he wasn't in total agreement I eventually got him to agree with me. He has always followed me in my crazy dreams, helped me for years take care of my parents up until the evenings of their deaths.... was their for both births of our children, changed diapers, he is a good man... I'm thinking of telling him this when he gets home tonight. And it will be a good time because I start IC next week and so I will have an outlet to talk to (my anxiety in my own brain is my biggest problem) and my need to control things. It actually may be nice to relinquish control of the family and my marriage for a little while... I am so worried about my career right now and may be getting ready to go through a massive change with that.... talk about stress.
Thoughts??????? I especially want to hear from my friends on here that have followed me since the beginning.
lol Lamaga, I'm only talking for one month.... and maybe he won't avoid the issues if he feels he is in control of things... instead up to this point is has been me bringing things up.
I haven't followed your story but wanted to chime in and say I've done this in an attempt to fix my marriage. To coin one of my friends phrases it was my 'housedress' phase aka me trying to be submissive. I did it as a result of a bible study.
While it wasn't the cure all that I thought it would be I don't regret the experience. I actually learned a lot about myself and my husband during those monthS. Yes months as in more than one. I'm a reformed control freak and this was my first attempt at learning how to let go.
I agree with lamaga that by doing this I successfully avoided all the big issues however it was part of my process and one that I had to do in order to get to where I'm at today.
Just relinquished control to their spouse completely
no not completely. I have a hard time with doing something like that completely.. I would feel as if i were losing myself or giving up my identity if i did this. Hope it works out for you if you do decide to try it.. i can say.. you would be braver then i for doing so lol. I think it does take real guts and real trust in your SO to completely surrender... that and hope they don't take advantage of your vulnerability during this time...
I don't think I worded that right....I mean fixing our marriage he wants to do it one way I another,so I am going to let him try his way first.....Gaia Posted via Mobile Device
Mavash...what sorts of things did you learn? Being a control freak myself I am curious. I will not be giving up my identity I am still the main bread winner etc. I just feel like so many times he has done what I wanted this time I am going to give his idea a go and see how it works. But I will be in counseling at the same time which will help Posted via Mobile Device
I don't think I worded that right....I mean fixing our marriage he wants to do it one way I another,so I am going to let him try his way first.....Gaia Posted via Mobile Device
I once tried to, with someone I no longer much respect for, and it worked for all of about two days before I realized there was just no way in HELL I could tolerate his way because his ideas of how things should be violated some important values I had (like fidelity!) This had been a rebound relationship after my divorce, and it was a DISASTER! Worse still, the divorce happened in the same year that all of my daughters moved away - one to her dad's, one to college, and one to the Army. That marriage was something like you describe - I had plenty of influence and nearly always got my way on things. Plus, we made a LOT of money between the two of us.
Afterward, I was in a dark place for a while. I felt pretty powerless and alone for about a year. During that time, all my drive and motivation abandoned me. I was in a profound depression where I had a hard time finding ANYTHING to feel pleasure about. My children were off celebrating their new-found independence. I'd relocated to a new state at the height of the real estate market crash - which was my job at the time - and I didn't know anyone or even the area, so I was living off of savings. It was a mess. But I'm digressing...
As I emerged and started finding purpose in my life again, I met some terrific people and I had kept in touch with my friends in my previous area. That alone and dark period completely changed my outlook on how much control I needed in my life. Turns out I don't need as much as I used to insist on.
I met my husband who is a bit like yours, and because I have so much respect for him, it doesn't feel like a sacrifice when his inclinations are different from mine. It feels like togetherness and cooperation instead. What's more.... when I get my way these days, it's because my husband is eager to see me happy - not because he's trying to keep the peace. I can't begin to describe what a difference that makes.
Fun really is one of the most important kinds of "glue" that can keep a relationship close. Since you say your husband's a good guy and fun-seeking, you may be on the right track. You might discover that if the chores don't get done, it's really not that big of a deal. On the other hand, you might want some ground rules that ensure a minimum of standards is met - that bills will get paid on time, for instance - since things like that could cause *more* problems if they are neglected.
Best wishes on your month-long (or forever) journey!
My husband has my back.
He's smarter than I give him credit for.
He wants whats best for US.
He makes better overall decisions than I do.
I don't know everything.
He's a grown man.
He will make mistakes and he will fix them.
He doesn't want/need my advice.
You know this and you're afraid he'll drop the ball on the responsibility part.
Don't say a thing. Just go with it. You need to have the faith in his capacity to be responsibility that will come from you allowing him to be responsible, and him being responsible. You'd diminish that if you say a word. He is asking to do this because he believes he can be responsible enough, and he wants to show you.
If he ****s up after the month is over, well - you guys need more help.
If you **** up and try to take control when it's his, apologize and say you were naughty. If he forgets that you're inviting him to step up you could ask him what he's going to do about it.
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The thread linked below is about as close as I get to my story, it has my posts about the point where I turned my marriage around and on the day my wife was planning to move out, instead we started a new beginning. I've been keeping my updates in this thead as well: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-sex-life.html
Willk .....got it. Thanks. I gave him the note last night since he doesn't want to talk....he hasn't said a word other than small talk and wanting to know why I couldn't sleep last night. He is gone off to work this morning but he should be back in a bit. Not sure if he took the note seriously or not. I do trust his judgement and for the month can give him the counseling money and see what he plans with it. That is if he does still want to save our marriage or sees a solution to our problems. I get the power and I'm actually looking forward to taking a side seat and letting him for once in our marriage make some tough decisions and feel the full impact of them. I will try very hard not to take over at all, and if I do will quickly apologize for being naughty. Posted via Mobile Device
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