06-08-2012, 09:15 PM
Join Date: Jun 2012
| | Husband doesn't share responsibilities, goes out all the time
I have been married for 4 years, together for 8.
I love my husband very much, but we have many problems in our relationship. To the point that I've been considering whether it is worth it to continue our marriage or not.
We do not have any children.
Since the beginning of our relationship, my husband has had difficulty in finding jobs and staying employed. In the beginning, I thought it had to do with his age. He was 21 when we first started dating and I am a few years older than him. I figured that he just needed time to figure out what he wanted to do with his life (career-wise). I've tried to support him in every way possible. I've encouraged him to go to college. I told him that I could provide the majority of our financial income if he could get a part-time job and go to school.
I've been patient and listened and tried to provide advice. I told him from the beginning that I wanted a man who could help provide a stable and solid financial foundation so that we could raise a family.
As the years went by, he had a job here or a job there. Which he would get fired from because of job performance or poor attendance. The year before we got married I told him that I didn't want to get married if he couldn't find a stable job or career that would could help provide for a stable financial foundation for our marriage and a future family.
He got a sales job that I found out later when I was doing our income taxes that he actually got paid more than me that year. (His income for that year was twice mine.) But he kept his income hidden from me and spent most of it on himself for lunches, video games, whatever. I didn't realize he was making that kind of money because he constantly told me that he was doing too good in making sales (it was commission based). So I ended up having to use my income to pay all of our bills, groceries, etc and we really continued to struggle financially that year.
During this whole time period when he was unemployed he would not even try to find a job. I would have to encourage him everyday and try to help him and give him advice on finding a job. Sometimes I would do the job searching for him. Meanwhile he would play video games all night long and sleep all day.
A few months after we got married, he lost his sales job due to the economy. This was 3 years ago. Again I tried to help him find a job; again he spent most of his time playing video games. I finally helped him find a good paying job with good hours. He even got paid training for the job. But he got fired after a few months because of poor attendance.
Now 2 years later, he still hasn't found a job yet. And he doesn't look. Over the 8 years we've been together we've had many discussions. Sometimes those discussions have turned into huge battles and fights. I've approached him at every way I can - from being nice and supportive, to being demanding and angry.
And now, in the past 4 months he has been going out every night with his friends. Sometimes he leaves during the day to hang out with one group of friends. Then after he's done hanging out with them, then he goes and hangs out with another group at night. Many times he doesn't come home until 5 or 6 a.m. When he does stay home at night, he sleeps on the couch. I don't remember the last time we slept in the same bed together.
I feel so rejected and lonely everyday. I feel like I've tried to support him in every way possible in the 8 years we've been together. I've tried to be understanding. I've asked him why he goes out every night, doesn't he want to spend time with me? He doesn't think he goes out every night, but he does. And when he's gone, he doesn't call in to let me know is ok. I will try to call him once in awhile to find out when he will be home or if he will come home for dinner. But he usually doesn't answer the phone or texts.
We are struggling severely right now in our financial situation. But he doesn't seem to care. The only time he seems to show he cares about our situation is if our lights get turned off. Then he will yell at me about why didn't I pay our electric bill. And I try to explain to him that in our current financial situation sometimes it is hard for me to juggle which bill gets paid that month. We are behind on a lot of bills. Every month I am playing catch up on them. Every day I live in fear of what service might get shut off. Every day I live in fear of being kicked out of our home because we are so far behind on house payments.
I am bearing the entire burden on my shoulders alone, while he goes out and has fun with his buddies every day and night. He doesn't help with any chores around the house. I am embarrassed by the state of our yard because he doesn't cut the grass (I can't do it myself, I have bad back problems and our front and back yard is huge.) We can barely get to our front door now, as the grass is about shoulder tall and growing over our sidewalk. I wish we could afford to hire someone to cut the grass for us, but we can't.
I've tried to reason with him, talk to him. Nothing I say seems to get through to him.
I don't know what to do any more. What else can I do? Is there anyone who can help me with some serious, meaningful advice? Please?
I'm sorry my post is so long. I just don't have anyone to talk to. I mean, I do have friends and most of them know about my struggles with my husband's employment history. But none of them know to what extent our problems are. I am too embarrassed and ashamed of the kind of relationship I have with my husband.
All of his friends are single, none of them have girlfriends or are married.