walkingwounded

It is a problem because I feel taken advantage of. I also feel that I am being indirectly told to do an "extra" day at home with the kids like I do every single week day. It is like he is saying (but not ACTUALLY saying out loud, just showing me) "I work 5 days, you signed up for 5 days but I've decided you are doing six now."

Like I say, I don't begrudge him laying in. But 1:30 is taking liberties. Sure enough he tried to convince me earlier that he is *just* doing the equivalent of me going out and doing sports on Sundays. Try and tell him I have only been doing that since the start of the year... Ha. Still does not care.

I have come to realize that everything I ask is a battle for him. It is allmost like he hears me ask and flips into petulant contrary kid mode and digs his heels in. He can never just give something freely out of love because it would make me happy. I think through lots of big and small decisions and the majority we have ended up going his way, or we have done what I wanted after a long drawn out process. It is like he does not value my POV at all.
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alphaomega

This is all bull.

He sleeps in because he can. And because he's lazy. And because he trained himself to sleep in late on weekends.

It only takes three to five days to train yourself to get up early and still feel great. I used to sleep in on the weekends late until I realized how much of my day I was wasting. So I set my alarm for 530 am for a week. As soon as that alarm went off, I would jump out of bed regardless of how tired I felt, feigning the feeling that I was full of energy and ready to take on the world.
After a week, I actually felt fully awake once I retrained my brain. After a year, I found that I don't even need my alarm anymore. It's like my brain knows its 530 and I just get up.

It's amazing how much I Can get done around the house in those two hours before the kids even start to stir.
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Ano

I went through a somewhat similar situation. But it wasn't a sleeping in issue. My husband just didn't want to do anything but stay home and watch tv. We have a 3 year old. I eventually got to the point where I told him in a nice manner "were going to the zoo if you want to come " ..or whenever if was that we were going. Eventually he expressed that I made him feel like he wasn't part of the family cause I acted like I was going regardless if he did or not. I explained to him that he never wanted to do anything. I didn't want to be a dictator and say "get up and turn the tv off, were going to the zoo". I let him know we were going and he was invited. Of course he always came...but he still hated the way I said it. I since then have learned to ask the night before if he wants to do something tomorrow..that way we have a plan and wonderfully the tv and couch don't get any attention those days. I guess he needed a little push. I felt second to the tv...as he felt not as important in our family outing decisions. So we compromised.

KathyBatesel

So the sleeping in is NOT the real problem. Feeling taken advantage of is the real problem.

You cannot change him. The only thing you can do is change yourself, and if you do, then your relationship will change. I can't promise it'll change for the better, but it *will* change.

The things you're doing now aren't working. I suspect that you try to negotiate with him (which turns into arguments.) Since negotiation doesn't work, you need to acknowledge that he isn't going to compromise with you and stop trying to beat that dead horse.

It would be great if he would do as alphaomega suggested, but you can't make him want that. He's only going to take actions when it gives him what he wants or when not taking actions gives him pain he wants to avoid.

I like Ano's suggestion better for your circumstances, though I'd adjust it a bit. Start planning fun things that you KNOW your husband would enjoy and let him miss out while he's sleeping in. I wouldn't invite him even. When he complains, I'd say, "I know that sleeping in is more important to you than anything, so I figured I'd respect that." I'd make sure they appeared to be spontaneous decisions. "I didn't know if I really wanted to do it or not, but then I felt lonely while you were asleep so I decided the kids and I would go." Although I wouldn't plan anything expensive, I *would* put the things on his credit card or use his money to pay for them, too, but if you don't have access to his funds this could cause more problems than solutions, so consider that last part carefully before trying to use it.

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Mavash.

YES. This is it exactly. People are selfish and the only way to get through to them is to make it painful in some way. Like with the 180. That involves NOT meeting their needs which motivates people to step up to get their cushy life back.

Conrad

When you are done there, I have plenty of extra laundry here.

alphaomega

As long as you don't fitness test me and make me come up with a witty response about how nice your tits look in freshly washed shirts.
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walkingwounded

LMAO!

Thanks for the input.

Alphaomega. I like what you do. That is great. I might do that for me!

Anyway I digress. To flesh out the background a little, my H's job involves a degree of heavy physical work. He is fit but works so hard that he is tired after work most of the time.

He does not however do stuff to take care of himself. Such as he does not eat a proper breakfast before leaving for work. He does not allways drink enough water. He has a couple too many beers in the evening and goes to bed ridiculosly late (1 at times.) He really does not help himself physically. Of course by the weekend he is exhausyed. Add in meeting his friend for beers every Friday evening and Saturday allways equals the MASSIVE laying in.

His view is that he deserves it for working hard all week. I as I said certainly do not have a problem with it within reasonable limits. But it is interfering with family time and I feel taken for granted.

I have explained I don't want to take away his sleeping in but getting up at say 10 or 10:30 would mean he still gets a good lay in and we still have most of the day to do family stuff. That is unthinkable to him. He says he simply just doesn't wake up untill that time. I countered with what about setting an alarm? No he said : because he "doesn't want to."

My thoughts were similar guys to what you Ano and Kathy suggested. Plan stuff I know he would enjoy. Either go with the kids myself or enlist a hand from the grandparents. Go have fun and take photos then show him when we get back. I know he'd feel a little sad seeing the kids do fun stuff without him there, especially the littlest who's only a big toddler really.

I have tried planning stuff in advance... That does not work. Mostly we never end up going or we are late. One of the last times was a day trip to the beach. We ended up leaving at 12 for a 2 hour drive so got hardly any time there.

My other idea is to have a day or weekend away just me or take the kids. Start being very absent for big chunks of time.
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deejov

That was my thought... and also what do the kids think about dad sleeping until 1230? Geesh.

To have a relationship and have kids, you both need to be on a similar schedule. If he's sleeping until 1230 and you are up early, obviously you are not going to bed at the same time either.

Sooner or later he will figure that part out too.

While you are gone until noon, phrase it as 'daddy time' and ask him if he has something special for his time with the kids. Word it that it has nothing to do with YOU, per say.
But an opportunity for him to have alone with the kids, just like you do while he's working. The mentality of "babysitting" your own kids is foreign to me. I"m just curious why he doesn't see how this affects the kids.