KathyBatesel

I don't think it's fair to say he's going off his rocker.

He has described the specifics about what makes him think she *could* be having an affair, but he didn't do that without first feeling something is missing in their marriage, and recognizing that something is "off" with his wife's behaviors.

But Ovalvox, if you'd "rather be wrong and stay happily married," then investigating might bring you exactly to the state you don't want - divorced.

I'd encourage you to first sit down with your wife and talk to her. Find out how happy she is with the state of your marriage, and what she would like to see change. Ask if she is bored with so much time at home, or if she feels like fun is missing from her life. If she gives you hard answers that you don't want to hear, instead of trying to avoid pain, thank her for trusting you enough to be honest. Once you have a good idea of whether your relationship is "affair proof" or "lacking something," you can explain that you feel threatened by her new friendship. Explain why without blame or criticism. Let her know that you hate the idea of asking her to end a friendship, and hope she'll make your marriage a more important priority than her friendship and see what she does with it.

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Gaia

Op is sounding more SURE of his wife cheating based on new batteries in toys and them being in a different position. I agree he should talk to his wife but there is a clear case of jumping to conclusions here. He still has NOT given a clear reason WHY he feels his wife would actually ENGAGE in sexual behavior with another female. Has she expressed doing so before? If not then why OP would you assume she were engaging in such behavior now? It seems to me that there is an ugly case of jealousy going on here based upon unfulfilled needs/wants? Of course some will probably say... talking to her could move any infidelity "underground" or whatever... and that won't help with that monster your dealing with right now. You could set up a camera or five, a voice recorder, ect on the sly and look over the results later on. You may just find that hey.. she is probably just using the toys to please herself since maybe there is a disconnect between you two and you possibly haven't done anything with each other in awhile? With kids and work.. of course any intimacy between spouses will be hard.. but it doesn't necessarily mean she will go and cheat. You must not have very much faith or trust in your spouse if you jump to this conclusion. I know.. it's so easy to think about all the nasty things that "could" be happening behind your back.. I've thought about this when it has came to my own spouse before but really... it's not healthy to let these thoughts get worse... nor does it help the relationship. You may end up pushing your SO away with constant monitoring, accusations, lack of trust, ect... and you will be lucky if she doesn't decide to leave because of it. I understand how you could jump to conclusions so easily, I'm still struggling with trying NOT to do this in my own relationship so please.. at least think about why you would come to this conclusion and think about IF your SO has actually given any signs of being interested in having an affair with someone of the same gender before jumping to conclusions.

Mrs.K

Why don't you just tell her that you noticed that the toys have new batteries in them and ask her if she changed them?

Mrs.K

And for what it's worth I have been to food parties, candle parties, mary kay parties. Hell even one time I went to a lunch box party.. I am not a lesbian nor am I attracted to any of my friends BUT I complain every single time I go to one before I leave the house because they are not my "thing". However I go to support the hostess' that are friends.

eowyn

Looking at OP's posts I feel that if he has a talk about this or anything related with his wife right now, it would most likely cause severe damage. OP doesn't have much to suspect his wife and the 2+2 that he is trying to do here is quite absurd. Celiac disease + Parties = Infidelity

Not just that, he keeps saying in his posts that she has lots of time on hand and therefore insinuates that she must be cheating His logic and reasoning is not making much sense. The only concrete data he has is the change of batteries in those toys. But that is not sufficient to suspect such a thing. Keeping a watch, I understand. But he is drawing premature conclusions!

If he talks to her right now, and given his state of mind - he is bound to mention what he has written on these posts. And if he mentions even a fraction of things that he has written on these posts it will drive her crazy. If she has been loyal and trustworthy for 10 yrs, such baseless allegations can be enough to hurt her to a degree that she might just want to walk away from him.

I would recommend some IC for OP. His thinking and logic seems to be pretty much biased due to his own insecurities.

WorkingOnMe

First thing that came to my mind too.

PBear

Asked and answered on the second page.

C
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Thor

ovalvox, I think you are jumping to one conclusion when there are many possibilities.

Either she changed the batteries and moved the toys or she did not. If she did not, is there a logical scenario?

It sounds to me like the most likely scenario is that she did change the batteries and move the toys. Did she then use them? Solo? With someone else?

The thing is that you have no facts other than the toys were moved and the batteries changed. You have no idea what her motivations were or what she did with the toys. If there is no other reason to suspect she is unhappy enough to have an affair, this is not enough data to conclude she is in an affair. In fact, the logical conclusion is that she used the toys solo. Second place guess would be she wanted to reintroduce them into the marriage. A far distant conclusion would be she used them with somebody else.

If your gut is telling you something is wrong in the marriage completely aside from the toy thing, follow the suggestions to talk to your wife about your relationship and what she would like. Don't accuse her of anything!

ovalvox

Wow! Some of you are vicious. Some of you offer good advice. I guess I'm guilty of being paranoid and insecure with the little evidence I've provided. For 13 years I wasn't. That's how long I've known my wife. Again I started this thread for advice. I'm getting sharks looking for threads like this just so they can prey. Go ahead and enjoy if it makes you happy. I really don't care. For those of you that offer sincere advice I thank you. I didn't realise I would get this many responses. When I come to a conclusion I will post again. If I'm wrong then I will be elated. If I'm right then me and my wife will have to talk. One thing is for sure. I realise I've been taking her for granted. I will never make that mistake again. Thanks again for those of you who offered sincere advice. It may be awhile but I'll post when I'm comfortable that I reached the right conclusion.

keko

If you want to learn ways to verify then post in the Coping with Infidelity section.

On a seious note are you into FFM 3some's?

Gaia

I don't think anyone is trying to be mean and I'm sorry you have felt attacked but I for one.. do look forward to your results and I'm hoping it's just your being paranoid.

Maricha75

Ok, ovalvox, the way you presented everything just doesn't scream "my wife is a lesbian" or "my wife is bisexual"... or even "my wife is cheating". I truly hope she is faithful, but I just don't see how you came to this conclusion, based on what you posted. PERHAPS the toys being moved, but the rest is typical stuff we women do. I've gone to Tupperware parties with no money to buy anything. It was for friends. They knew I couldn't buy, but they wanted my company there. I went to a "toy" party recently...was just a bunch of women. I'd never been to one before. And yes, I blushed. But I had fun laughing and joking with the ladies, even ladies I'd never met before. I've gone to candle parties, I even sold PartyLite candles at one time. All to support a friend who liked candles and wanted to get into selling them.

The point I am trying to make is that, based solely on what you have shared, I don't see that she would be cheating. Has there been any other behavior that points in that direction? Is there something you have not shared? I truly hope it is just your imagination running wild. If it turns out that your suspicions are confirmed, then I do apologize. However, I think you should go back and read the entire thread... including what you wrote. See it from the eyes of those not involved. Based on what YOU have said, it's a BIG stretch... surely you can see that?

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lifeisnotsogood

You have nothing. If you approach her it will go something like this:

Q: Are you having an affair with a woman, specifically ...?
A: What?

Q: Repeat Question
A: NO! Why would you say that? You must be cheating.

Q: No, I noticed there were new batteries in the dildos.
A: So now you're investigating. If you must know. I did replace the batteries. One didn't work well (kept shutting off) so I put batteries in the other two because I couldn't remember which one was better. This is embarrassing. You can't trust me, maybe we should just end it if there is no trust.

You say: I'm sorry honey, I just thought...
she interrupts: I'm sleeping in the other room.

results: You know nothing, she is warned and becomes more careful, etc.

You need to wait. Act like there is nothing bothering you. If she notices, tell her you're not feeling well.

jnj express

If your wife is cheating----as YOU say, it could be with anyone, for she has plenty of time, to do whatever she wants---in the afternoons

She could be cheating, and she might not---but before you blow up your mge, and wreck your kids life's---do some heavy investigating----GPS, VAR, PI, lots of things you CAN do to get info. on what she IS/IS NOT doing

If you are really that worried, then go out spend the bucks, and find out---you will either get your peace of mind back, or you will have to deal with infidelity---and don't limit this just to a possible homosexual situation---if she is cheating it could be with anyone----INVESTIGATE!!!!!!

Thor

Two additional thoughts.

First, there is some underlying reason this set you off. Why, for example, did you not jump to the conclusion that she was intentionally giving you a hint to use the toys with her? My counselor always goes after these underlying reasons rather than the event, and it usually proves to be a valuable exercise.

Right now I think you should take this event as a wake up call that you both need to calmly and lovingly work together to reboot your marriage. This may be the time for both of you to grow individually and as a couple.

Secondly, imho it doesn't matter who a spouse cheats with. In fact, if my wife had a lesbian affair it would be a relief from the standpoint that I cannot compete with that. Another man would mean comparing myself to him. How big is he? How much $ does he make? Is he better in bed? Is he more sophisticated?

But a lesbian affair means we are on completely different playing fields.