General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
What do each of you contribute to your household? What keeps you staying in a situation where you are regularly treated as unimportant?
I can see that you're concerned about your kids, but seriously, wishing to avoid arguments in front of them is such a small thing. Children learn how they "should" handle disagreements through what they do and don't see their parents do. They are also learning through this situation what friendships and marriages should be like.
How much of the sexual scene are they exposed to at the friend's house? With the bizarre sexual boundaries going on, you might even consider calling in an anonymous hotline report to get an investigation of all this.
Sounds like something more is going on here. The fact that she has you blocked from viewing her fb or that you have no access to any of her personal stuff..it just seems weird. If she is absolutely not in a sexual relationship with this woman..are you sure she's not sleeping else where and telling you she's sleeping there. If her friend doesn't like you..I'm sure she would be more then willing to lie for your wife..or even promote infidelity with another man.
I think your wife is more toxic than the friend.... if she set up her own 'married' brother with this friend what more can be said! This indicates low moral values and there might be more things going on with her than you know, esp. since she is being so secretive and inaccessible.
And the other things you mention are out of the world as well... she sleeps over at her friends house 5-6 nights a week!!! Looks like she is practically staying with her anyways. Why are you paying her rent? Does she spend ANY time at all with you and the kids?
And dressing up in ligenrie and take photos of eachother and posting on FB is disgusting as well! Are you sure she is not working in the sex shop or having an affair etc? Considering all of the above, I vote for leaving the wife since anyways doesn't look like she is having a positive influence on the kids or fulfilling any of her responsibilities as a wife.
I stick by my opinion in my previous post... that you need to find your way out of this marriage - Affair or not. Additionally looks like she was absolutely comfortable lying to you about going to her mom's house, when she is in fact out with her best friend. Makes me think she is lying to you more than you know. In any case, if you plan to leave her get all your ducks in a row, esp. to see how you can keep the custody of your children.
In this context and referring to your recent post about the fight over the best friend's son... I think it was a bad move to use that as the agenda for fighting with you wife. I agree that since you helped him with his interview and application process etc he should have told you. I agree that he did not show respect or gratitude by not letting you know for 2 weeks that he got selected. However what you did in response was not very civilized. Correct me if I am wrong but I have a feeling you pretty much took out your frustration on this kid.
These are the things I would advice you be careful of. If your fight would have been just about the wife's behavior I am sure you would have got more support and backing from your kids. However part of your fight was also about this boy, who happens to be your's son's friend. Make sure you keep your head calm and keep being a good & supporting father as you go through all this. Try being the bigger person whereever you can so your kids can look up to you, and whatever you do, do it with as much dignity and composure as possible.
Thanks for all the feedback, good and negative. I take it on board.
The problem is I have nowhere to go. How on earth am i to leave and go and rent somewhere, pay her maintenance, pay bills and all other associated costs. Impossible!!!
Custody of the kids is a virtual no win situation. I'm in fulltime employment, I cant handle both. I have 2 umarried brothers, who live at home with mum n dad, they are both carers for them, as we dont want to put them into aged care. So this is not an option.
All my good male friends are married or in a relationship, so that is outta the equation as well.
No I did not use the friends son as a launching pad to fire some shots at her. This has been brewing for some time now. What pisses me off is she has a good relationship with her son and traets him like one of his own and is so damn protective over him. I just wished she showed that effort and determination and love towards our marriage, but not to be.
Well there were a few times i tried to make peace with all of them. A suggestion was made we go away toa resort in Albury. Well wasnt that a big mistake. Her friends suggestion it was, and she goes there with $60 to her name. I filled up her car,I paid for her accommodation, I paid for her meals. I said bugger it, she will pay me back when she can. Geez was i wrong. We went to a few restaurants together, and each time she was broke. That was the last straw.Her son would ring me and ask me for money and would say mum will pay u back. Ummm well you get the picture now!!!
As far as household income, she pays the rent, and I pay all the bills, food, petro; etcc. Thats the agreement we have, however she keeps rubbing it on me, thats she pays the rent.
I am very conservative with our money and try and stretch it as far as we can and try to live within our means. She feels as if ive got the chains on her and she cant spend on what she wants. That is furthest from the truth. She gets her hair done, pedicures, buys clothes, etcc. I dont go anywhere and dont buy clothes or anything. My son n daughter want to go out with friends nearly every weekend, and I support them also, as i dont want to see them unhappy.
I feel i am caged in this household, and although i have my responsibilities to be a provider, its at the expense of my own suffering. I dont ask for much, just love, understanding, respect and common sense. All this is priceless, but geez ive been short changed for far too long.
Will their be any light at the end of the tunnell for me???? What do I have to do??? I'm so depressed,angry and disillusional.
I can tell you're in Australia, as am I. Of course you can leave, stop making excuses. There are tens of thousands of single parents working full time.
Your son is 17, he can choose where he lives, custody is not an issue. He must be either almost through school or working now. If he's not working he can get the new start allowance and if he is studying he can apply for austudy. Or he can work, there is no reason for you to be paying for his entertainment.
Your nine year old can go to before and after school care while she is in primary school. When she goes to high school, maybe her brother and sister can help look after her after school and in the holidays, I used to do that for my sister.
Your wife has already left, clearly. Time to pull the plug. Posted via Mobile Device
The kids are very attached to their mother and would not live with me. Dont get me wrong, she is a very good mother to them and there for them. They love her as much as they love me.
The problem is her and me. She spends so much time with her friend and the kids are left with me. She does not do much housework, and when her friend is at work, shes constantly watching, foxtel, cigarette after cigarette and at every opportunity on the phone talking to her girlfriends. I struggle to find a clean towel or underwear to have a shower and get dressed for work. She will launder just the kids clothes for school, that is it. She keeps asking me to bring takeaway on my way home from work, cause she cant be bothered cooking.
As soon as the kids are settled with food and in their bedrooms, off she goes to her friends house and stays the night.
Im already gone to work by the time she gets back in the morning to get them ready for school and drive them there. The rest of the day she does f### all. This is the daily grind everyday, and geez once the weekends come, not in sight.
The kids are very attached to their mother and would not live with me. Dont get me wrong, she is a very good mother to them and there for them. They love her as much as they love me.
The problem is her and me. She spends so much time with her friend and the kids are left with me. She does not do much housework, and when her friend is at work, shes constantly watching, foxtel, cigarette after cigarette and at every opportunity on the phone talking to her girlfriends. I struggle to find a clean towel or underwear to have a shower and get dressed for work. She will launder just the kids clothes for school, that is it. She keeps asking me to bring takeaway on my way home from work, cause she cant be bothered cooking.
As soon as the kids are settled with food and in their bedrooms, off she goes to her friends house and stays the night.
Im already gone to work by the time she gets back in the morning to get them ready for school and drive them there. The rest of the day she does f### all. This is the daily grind everyday, and geez once the weekends come, not in sight.
Sorry to argue this but you are in denial. This is not how a good mother acts. Also for what its worth the best mother is a good wife and is a role model for her children.
You do know the picture you paint is beyond absurd. Her behavior is puzzling but your behavior is what is most unsettling. By doing nothing about this you are enabling her. This is not the best home for your children. You being a doormat is a bad role model for them.
So she is also getting off on dominationg and humliating you.
You can make all of the excuses you want for her and why you cannot leave but if you stay it is because you choose to stay. There is nothing holding you back.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Thanks for the reply. There is a reason why ive stayed as long as in have. I feel the need for stability and the kids emotional needs have warranted my stay. Ill explain.
My son, has the upmost respect for me and loves the encouragement i provide him. I encouraged him and showed great interest in him to complete a pre- apprenticeship in Carpentry. He started in January and finished this in May. We were both active in looking for an apprenticeship straight after and only took him a week outta TAFE to find one. He doesnt drive, and work is 1 hour or so away, and I drive him there in the morning before i go to work. He is enjoying it and i love watching him prosper.
Now if i wasnt here for this moral support, where on earth will he be today. He will be like his best mate, of whom parents dont give 2 hoot about. Besides I cant see my sons mother going above and beyond.
I manage also to encourage my teenager daughter to apply and get a job at Maccas. She has been successful and starts in 2 weeks. I help with her homework and can see improvements.
My young one is full of energy, adorable, smart, witty and also loves challenges. She can make a bed better than her mum, vaccums, cleans the bathroom, now now she is only 9.
As you can see my influence has rubbed off. I cannot bare stand the thought of been away from them and seeing them suffer.
This is why my decision to leave is even harder.
You can still be a good father. A better one actually by showing that a man will not be disrespected by anyone. Your oldest son is pretty much grown. He can live with you. He is not too old however for him to see the lesson on being a man that has integrity.
You are making excuses. I am not trying to be mean. You can have joint custody. Better than being mistreated in front of your children.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
I am confused. It sounds like your wife does not have a job. Does she? If she does not have a job, what income does she has that she is using to pay the rent?
Your wife is more than half out the door. Being a single parent is completely doable.
I don't think that you should leave at all. It sounds like your marriage is over. Your wife puts in as little as she can with the children and your home.
Start preparing dinners using a crockpot… it’s a lot cheaper than buying take out. It’s also a lot healthier for all of you.
Of all the things that are wrong with your marriage, complaining about her not doing your laundry is such a waste of energy. Do your own laundry. In my household I taught everyone to do their own laundry.
All of my 3 children and my husband have down their own laundry since the children were 11 years old. That was 12 years ago.
You need to get a lot stronger emotionally. I suggest that you interact with your wife in the manner suggested by the 180 in my signature block below. The idea of this is to grow stronger emotionally and get a much better/stronger mind set.
Is there an extra bedroom or room in your house? If there is, while your wife it out, move all of her things into that room. Just tell her that since he does not want to be married anymore it would be best if she had her own private room. Or encourage her to take her things to her friends place.
Let your wife be the one who eventually moves out.
Hang on a minute!!! No she doesnt work, and has no intention. I dont care that she does or doesnt, i prefer she be a housewife, i make reasonable money. She receives a n allowance and puts half towards the rent and i pay for the balance of the rent and outgoings. She has access to my account, and i dont begrudge her in using the account. She has to live as well afterall.
I wake atb 5am to take my son to work, i get home at 6.30pm. Do u think i want to do any housework, let alone laundering??? I help with the kids after work, while shes at her girlfriends. I come home and nothing is done. All she does is take girls to school and pick them up.
On the weekends while shes not here, i gather the kids and we do the housework together, which includes some laundering. Then the kids want to be entertained. I sacrifice my own "me time" .
Why she has to have it so damn easy??? I thought parenting was 2 ways, not 1 way. Is it too much to ask for??? She keeps saying go find yourself the perfect housewife.
All she cares about is being with her friend as much as possible. Ive told her do you think so n so will let their wives stay at a friends place 5-6 nights a week. All fall on deaf ears.
When she is sleeping over at her friends, check her house to see if you can see any males are inside or cars you dont know. It seems there is a whole lot more to this story for her to spend so much time with this woman and ignore everything else in life.
Hang on a minute!!! No she doesnt work, and has no intention. I dont care that she does or doesnt, i prefer she be a housewife, i make reasonable money. She receives a n allowance and puts half towards the rent and i pay for the balance of the rent and outgoings. She has access to my account, and i dont begrudge her in using the account. She has to live as well afterall.
I wake atb 5am to take my son to work, i get home at 6.30pm. Do u think i want to do any housework, let alone laundering??? I help with the kids after work, while shes at her girlfriends. I come home and nothing is done. All she does is take girls to school and pick them up.
On the weekends while shes not here, i gather the kids and we do the housework together, which includes some laundering. Then the kids want to be entertained. I sacrifice my own "me time" .
Why she has to have it so damn easy??? I thought parenting was 2 ways, not 1 way. Is it too much to ask for??? She keeps saying go find yourself the perfect housewife.
All she cares about is being with her friend as much as possible. Ive told her do you think so n so will let their wives stay at a friends place 5-6 nights a week. All fall on deaf ears.
Just trying to understand... is this allowance coming out of your pay or some other source? If she isn't doing anything to contribute to the household/family... again, WHY IS SHE STILL THERE?? If the allowance is coming out of your income, then, sir, YOU are footing the entire bill! So, as others have asked... why is she still there? She is gone all but one, maybe two nights each week. She is, in essence, merely a roommate....a roommate you are paying to stay with you and not contribute....
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Re: Her friends are more important than me 
