megan75

UPDATE: Communication truly is key! We have made big progress in understanding the specifics of what he is going through. I don't feel isolated and alone. We are working on it together, and he is working on himself, as well.

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UPDATE: Thank you everyone for your responses. Below is my original post.

Since the below, I've learned more about what's going on. I fear he's in a deep depression, possibly in conjunction with a mid-life crisis. He said he simply awoke and "felt different." He was "changed."

He opened up this week and it goes very deep, to a dark place. The only positive thing he's doing right now, that I believe he thinks he's in control of, is losing weight. That's probably why he suddenly pursued it.

I feel abandoned, isolated. The man I once knew is gone. The loving, caring, communicative person has exited the building.

Right now, now that I realize the full scope, I need to step back, relax, try to remain positive, supportive and potentially nudge him towards some type of therapy. The only thing he's doing right now is working, coming home and listening to music; and eating/exercising. I suggested we go out tonight and he resisted at first, then he changed his mind. Although, we will see if he does - in fact - want to go out later.

And, it will be interesting to see if this sudden stranger changes once his work hopefully slows down in about a week. I hope it does so he has more free time. Although, this is false hope, I realize. I shouldn't have any expectations, especially if he's not himself. I don't know who he is, how long this will last, if I"ll be able to get him to seek some level of treatment...

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My husband and I've been together for 16+ years. He's always been a big man, very muscular. Over the years, he's gained a little bit of weight, just in his stomach area. He's not obese, just a tad overweight. Throughout the years, I couldn't get him to exercise. He wouldn't walk, let alone run. Ever.

Fast forward to our staycation a few weeks ago. He was plain miserable. No conversation. We didn't have fun. He got sick. Yesterday, he stated that I made it miserable, while I feel he did!

He's been working very hard, over-time, for the past two weeks. He's overworked, I get it. I'm self-employed and have much more freedom, if you will, regarding my schedule.

So, here's the kicker. Within the last three days, my husband has said the following things to me:

1. He's "unhappy and depressed."
2. He wants to "be ripped" for the first time in his life.
3. He thinks we should sell the house and make a drastic change. (yesterday, he said it again but then stated it didn't make sense to do so)
4. He wants to ride cross-country on a motorcycle.

Yesterday, when I addressed the above and suggested he might be going through a mid-life crisis, he denied it and said maybe it's me that is "loopy." I didn't even use the word "loopy."

After working so hard the last two weeks, for the first time in his adult life, he actually went to the local high school the last two days and walked; and ran! Literally, like an overnight flip. He stopped drinking soda cold turkey. He claimed that he barely ate last week and has already dropped weight. He said it was due to work stress.

Despite me addressing my concerns and stating repeatedly that I support his weight-loss and everything else, he was defensive. We've been like roommates for weeks now, plus. This weekend, we've been in separate rooms on iPads and computers. Cordial but no emotion, nothing.

There's potential for anything, but I really don't think he's cheating. For the record, to paint the bigger pic, he's a good man. Big heart. Loving. Honest. I have no complaints in this department. We've been through lots over the years... and suddenly it's like we're just... lifeless.

Regardless, why this sudden change? Might I be on to something--may he be going through a mid-life crisis? I feel like sitting down right now with him and telling him this isn't working--that we're living like "friends." But, to say it like that if he's truly going through something is more like a forceful ultimatum, which isn't my objective. I want to be supportive.

Any feedback? Thanks so much!

Ano

Maybe he is unhappy with his appearance, thus making him depressed. If he isn't happy with himself...everything else will sort of go downhill. Just be supportive and don't press the issue just yet. Maybe offer to go running together. Sounds like he's really busy and over worked...and he feels unattractive as well. Ask him if he would like to rent a movie tonight...let him know you're interested in spending time with him...but don't be overly aggressive.

megan75

Thanks, I do believe you're right. I'm not going to press the issue right now. I'm going to give it some time and see if he sticks with what he's doing. Plus, workload may change soon, which may ease things for him.

For him, he's really tired and hasn't been home all week, so he obviously wants to chill at home, while I'm ready to get out (this weekend). This doesn't need to be voiced. It's obvious. So, I'll deal and see how it goes. This definitely isn't allowable as a lifestyle, but, for now...

megan75

And, I will say that I went to university, have my own business, have always been motivated.... My husband has worked at the same place for 10+ years, has always made less than me, etc.

This could be playing into the big pic in his mind right now, as well (in conjunction with his "unhappy and depressed" statement). Like, maybe he wants more, or different things, but just isn't certain. He certainly doesn't know how to speak about it right now. Time will tell...

KathyBatesel

He may not be having an affair, but he's ripe for the picking.

He's unhappy. Even if it *is* a midlife crisis, asking him that sort of trivializes what he feels. It's no wonder he felt defensive about it!

It sounds to me like he doesn't feel like he has enough fun in his life. He's looking for ways to have fun, which will help him stay motivated. Make sure you're a very big part of the fun in his life if you want to keep your marriage strong.

Go cross-country riding with him on weekends. Help buy a motorcycle for him if you have the means. Hire a hot air balloon brunch or... whatever... once a month. Remember what once made him laugh and bring back laughter to your lives. The best way to do it is to celebrate HIM. Who can be unhappy when they're adored and have fun with their life?

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megan75

Thanks, Kathy. Actually, that's something I forgot to mention--when we were discussing it yesterday, he said he simply, "Wants to have fun."

Now, I will state for the record. I'm not about giving up huge chunks of my life to, say, go cross-country riding or the like for the sheer sake of his happiness, to the exclusion of my own. Nope.

My stance is that I'm here to love and support. I'll do what I can, but he ultimately needs to dig deep and figure it out. In that vein, it's not like we're not fun. We've always done stuff. I think stress as of late has simply pushed him to start knowing himself and/or discovering what he truly wants.

You know, when you've been in a relationship this long, these things represent crossroads.

Entropy3000

At some point working a lot of over-time year after year after year after year ... can wear you down. Especially if your career is not progressing. Especially if you look around and you feel life is passing you by. That your efforts are contributing nothing to your happiness and likely will not going forward.

Do you think less of him for working in the same place 10+ years? Dp you thingk less of him because you make more money? If so he probably senses this. But even if you don't he may think less of himself.

But the inference with him selling the house and going on an extended motorcycle ride means what for you? He is talking about walkign away from you. We see this with walk away wife syndrome. With that we try to validate that there is no affair going on. There is not always an affair with this.

Do you guys go out on dates? You guys may want to do His Needs Her Needs to figure out what each others needs are.

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WorkingOnMe

Sounds like you're saying whatever the problem is, it's his problem. That's fine so long as you're willing to accept the consequences of that.

megan75

Thanks. We don't have kids, so it's easy to do what we want, when we want.

Interference with him selling the house? No, selling the house certainly wouldn't be necessary to ride cross-country.

Specifically, to speak to going out on dates. Yes. We go out all the time. Restaurants, movies, bookstores.... Although he wants to "get fit," he still won't agree to go out on hikes with me.

No, I don't think less of him, but he's never been as driven or motivated... That's not the issue. People are all different. He's a good man that works hard. He cannot be "faulted" for this--for being a hard worker with a work ethic. I applaud it. Very few people have work ethics like both of us.

megan75

Gee, how did I know that my lack of response akin to, "I'm 100% at his disposal for the sheer sake of his happiness," would glean the above response.

No, if you re-read what I posted about, that's not what I'm saying at all. As I wrote, I support him. I'm loving and supportive.

Likewise, I've busted my arse my whole life and worked very hard to get where I'm at. If he's finally ready to kick it in high gear and go for it, which is what I'm thinking, great.

When I did it, it was a positive experience, a positive thing. I didn't walk around saying I'm unhappy and depressed. He's going about it in his own way, and I'm seeing that; and obviously learning from it.

There are no consequences. Only changes. I'm all for changes for the better.

sisters359

He's indicating he needs change, not necessarily the type he's suggested. Sounds like the staycation worked out poorly and didn't give him the real "break" from his routines that he might need.

So short of selling everything and heading out on a motorcycle together (I'm assuming he means the both of you), what might help? How about a course/vacation that is an adventure in something he might want to try--riplines through Coasta Rica, a 2 week canoe-and camp trip? Learning to scuba dive? Or maybe something more thought-provoking, like a religious or marriage retreat, a writer's course in Hawaii? Only you and he can figure out what will satisfy his obvious need for some change and adventure. But be supportive of the idea, even if you cannot support the motorcycle plan. Maybe he goes riding forr a month after lining up a new job, something like that. But support does not need to mean sacrifice of what makes you happy, so try to be creative together. Good luck.

megan75

Thanks so much for your response. Indeed, you're right. I think the staycation was so miserable for both of us that we simply didn't get refreshed.

For the record, since I seemingly wasn't very clear above, he didn't suggest selling the house in order to go cross-country. He mentioned it disjointedly. Like, he wants a total life overhaul. Sell the house, make a drastic move, a big change. Bonus- ride cross-country. He doesn't have a motorcycle, never has. It's something he obviously thinks is fun. He also talks about buying a boat and sailing around the world. Yes, big changes!

He just approached me today and suggested we attend a concert, which we haven't done in a long while. So, we're going to go to one next month in South Carolina. It seems he is, in fact, grasping for some fun here, and fun is easy to achieve! If he wants to get fit along the way, great.

I just want to be mindful and supportive so he doesn't slip into some hole of depression, or the like.

Entropy3000

Megan, I wish I had some words to help you. I hate to see these types of things. I can only say I hope you can reach him.

The concert thing sounds good. He needs you now more than ever. I don;t like to blame MLC for a lot of stuff, but this just might be it. Think positive. maybe you can turn this into something you both can enjoy. Try making love on the beach.

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AbsolutelyFree

It sounds like he found this forum and started following the advice which is popular in the men's section.

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KathyBatesel

I think you're exactly right that it's a crossroads!

I'm going to tell you what crossed my mind as I read your post, and you can ignore it or use it as you wish. This one statement that I quoted reflects an attitude that could be a huge part of what is happening with you and your husband.

Nobody suggested giving up huge chunks of your life, or that it was for the sheer sake of his happiness, yet that is what crossed your mind at the very idea of doing what he wants to do. I'm sure you have reasons for that, but if you can set them aside for a moment as you finish reading, I hope you will consider...

1. You don't have to do "all or nothing."
2. His happiness should be bringing you happiness, too.
3. When he feels happy, you'll benefit in other ways.
4. Sometimes your marriage needs nurturing more than your "self" does. This is one of those times.
5. His statements to you are positive signs that he's thinking about what can be done. He's not putting up for sale signs, but he's seeking your approval and togetherness. I'm glad you guys will be going to the concert, but it sounds like you need to make fun events a regular thing in your lives, too.

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