General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Coguy, it is the betrayal that truly hurts and it goes very deep. It reaches the deepest parts of our spirit and soul. You are going to need some new skills in order to manage your situation and get through it all in a very good way.
The biggest single thing I can recommend to you is Awareness by Anthony de Mello. The way he will help you is by teaching you how to DETACH EMOTIONALLY from your wife such that she doesn’t cause you any more pain. You are attached to her through your love for her and your ego and you need to learn how to get away from your ego such that you can help it heal and at the same time prevent her from causing you yet more wounds that you have to heal.
You will experience the most deep and painful emotions. Emotions such that you never thought possible in their depth and length of existence. If you don’t consider yourself an emotionally intelligent person then learn from people like Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence.
You have now started out on a very big transition in your life. There is no doubt that although it will be a bumpy and painful ride you will get through it.
Now is the time to go inside yourself and strengthen yourself. There is no need for you to speak of your wife to anyone except here, with a counsellor and your friends. If you do start throwing stones you can be pretty certain they’ll come back at you and cause you yet more wounds to heal and problems to solve.
The focus is on the inside of you and externally on your children. This is where your resources such as time, energy and money will reap the greatest benefits and dividends for both you and your children.
It’s your time for your inner journey (I hope you come to understand what I mean by that) to take care of, weed out and fertilise your inner garden and plant new seeds such that after this transition in your life you come out of it a peaceful and contented man.
The biggest thing with boundaries is that they are two way, incoming and out going. Incoming boundaries are obvious, but out going? An example of an out going boundary would be not “speaking ill of your wife” to her family because it’s greatly possible that action may well back fire on you.
Believe me it is far better to take the high ground and “hope” that your wife’s family can care for her because she’s so obviously in need of it. If they do that then you can focus on yourself and your children.
COguy, I am beyond sorry about the layers of betrayal you keep having to sift through. I know you don't want to be anyone's object lesson, but I hope other readers of your threads will see WHY affairs are so horrible, and why verification is sometimes the only way to level the playing field with a master liar. The stringing along, the half-hearted attempts to reconcile, just enough to keep you in the relationship, but not enough to get YOU to file for D. Because they aren't ever going to be the ones to file; they are much too cowardly and narcissistic for that. All so that they can continue their cake-eating. Criminal, is what it all is.
Someone please tell me it gets better. Please tell me I can get through this.
It will get better, it takes time but there will be a day where you will care less what happens to her.
That usually happens once you start up another relationship and realize how much better other women are compared to her. It's hard to image now but you will be shocked when it does.
She is going to crash and burn and one day regret doing this to you but that may be a year or so from now. Work on making yourself better for the next one and look to "trade up" so to speak. Of course any woman that hasn't lied or cheated on you would be an improvement.
COGuy, I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain. The only good thing to come from this added betrayal -- albeit mighty poor compensation for your pain -- is that you will not be second-guessing yourself throughout the remainder of the D process. You now know you are doing the right thing.
Also, let her family know. They seem to be the only ones who she listens to and respects. If I remember her background correctly, her parents will take an active role in this behavior. At the least, they will urge her to let you get through the divorce without turning it into a war.
I'm going to take some time before I decide if I will let anyone know what's going on. I let her mother know what happened the last time and she stopped talking to her almost completely.
My neighbor, who is a good friend and also a counselor, said wisely, "It's hard to tell people, even if you have the best intentions, without looking like you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Also, for those that will find out, if they give her sound advice, she will probably replace them with more people that will give her poor advice."
I haven't made up my mind yet, I am just going to consider it carefully before I would do it. She's definitely not at the place right now where she would heed sound advice.
Sad. I'm in R right now and I hope my wife is smart enough not to pull this crap because she'll be gone like McDonald's cheeseburgers that sat on the rack for 10 minutes too long.
Hate to say that but I'll never give a third chance, especially when they are supposed to be in R
Sorry for your pain. It's better that you found out so now you know where her head is it--it will make moving on more real/and slightly easier. Yes, it still hurts but with the truth now, you can start to realize it's truly done and she is not the person you married/were in love with anymore.
Keep your head up. It gets better. Promise.
Like the first time, there are so many crazy circumstances that had to happen for me to find out what's going on. I know that God has played a part in revealing the truth to me. This has been very painful, but I agree, it is best that I found out. It brings me incredible pain and sorrow, such a major betrayal, but also peace about my actions.
The lights were dimming every night, she was telling me I was crazy. This was the repair man coming to my house and saying, "Oh wow, someone's been dimming these lights every night." Sad, but relieving.
You will experience the most deep and painful emotions. Emotions such that you never thought possible in their depth and length of existence. If you don’t consider yourself an emotionally intelligent person then learn from people like Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence.
You have now started out on a very big transition in your life. There is no doubt that although it will be a bumpy and painful ride you will get through it.
Now is the time to go inside yourself and strengthen yourself. There is no need for you to speak of your wife to anyone except here, with a counsellor and your friends. If you do start throwing stones you can be pretty certain they’ll come back at you and cause you yet more wounds to heal and problems to solve.
The focus is on the inside of you and externally on your children. This is where your resources such as time, energy and money will reap the greatest benefits and dividends for both you and your children.
It’s your time for your inner journey (I hope you come to understand what I mean by that) to take care of, weed out and fertilise your inner garden and plant new seeds such that after this transition in your life you come out of it a peaceful and contented man.
AFEH, your advice is spot on. People have been coming out of the woodworks to support me through this. They have been positive and encouraging. It's tough to deal with the actual pain right now. But I have such hope for the future. I know that I will look back on this time and be thankful for it.
I was a soft jello mold of a man 1 year ago. Today I am made of flesh, strong but breakable. Tomorrow I will be a rock. I have learned incredible things about myself. My fears, my insecurities, my needs and desires. I have learned that I have an incredible capacity to love and show forgiveness and mercy. I have been put through the ringer, and yet I have learned that through all the BS, I am still able to trust in God, and keep my heart focused on loving others as I am loved.
I will have one hell of a story to tell in the future. But I will be an inspiration to many. I also know that I am a great person. Not said conceitfully, but I know the man that I am, I have been tested. Some day in the future I will meet a woman, and she will love me for the man that I am, and be grateful that I am in her life. And my experiences from this will allow me to be even more grateful that I found her, and I will appreciate her even more than if I had met her at 22 and married her first.
I'm going to take some time before I decide if I will let anyone know what's going on. I let her mother know what happened the last time and she stopped talking to her almost completely.
My neighbor, who is a good friend and also a counselor, said wisely, "It's hard to tell people, even if you have the best intentions, without looking like you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Also, for those that will find out, if they give her sound advice, she will probably replace them with more people that will give her poor advice."
I haven't made up my mind yet, I am just going to consider it carefully before I would do it. She's definitely not at the place right now where she would heed sound advice.
One of the reasons I do not advocate telling her family, work or whatever is that doing so may well bring more betrayal into your life.
In these situations there’s been more then enough deceits, lies, blame shifting, scapegoating, denials etc. by way of your wife without opening up the doors to your heart, spirit and soul to her family, friends and inviting in a whole lot more that will yet again wound you.
I'm going to take some time before I decide if I will let anyone know what's going on. I let her mother know what happened the last time and she stopped talking to her almost completely.
My neighbor, who is a good friend and also a counselor, said wisely, "It's hard to tell people, even if you have the best intentions, without looking like you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Also, for those that will find out, if they give her sound advice, she will probably replace them with more people that will give her poor advice."
I haven't made up my mind yet, I am just going to consider it carefully before I would do it. She's definitely not at the place right now where she would heed sound advice.
Sorry for the misunderstanding. I thought that she was hiding her actions, in part, from her parents because she feared their involvement.
Coguy, even though I dont know you, I feel your pain, brother.
From your post, I can tell your heart is good and God is in your life.
I am no holy roller at all but I feel like I have a message for you;
Romans 8:28
And we know that ALL THINGS work together for GOOD to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Not just the good things or things we like, but ALL THINGS work towards good and his master plan for us!!!!!
Rememeber that!! Bury it in your heart! His words dont lie and you know this. Even what we and the world see as horrible things like this happening to you right now, God has a divine purpose we cant see or imagine at the time. ALL THINGS (Yes, even this!!!!!) work together for GOOD!! Your father knows what you need and is in control with a plan even as I type this to you.
Thank him for this happening because you KNOW there is something really great coming that he has in store for YOU!! Keep your eyes on him and not the storm.
Sometimes the tree must be pruned to grow to its full potential.
Undecided. I am praying constantly about what the right course of action is.
Legally it would be best for me to just not tell her anything and hire a PI to take pictures of her at the hotel.
But I feel like if I do that I will be doing it at the expense of my moral integrity. As a father and someone who cares, I want to let her know that I know, deflate her sails about the adventure of it and remind her that her children look up to her and she wants to be a positive role model to them.I feel like if I don't say anything I will have guilt about not providing an opportunity to stop it in the future.
If she still decides to do it, I'll hire the PI at that point.
If she decides to not go, I'll have a year of opportunity to catch her again if she decides she doesn't want to straighten up for the kids.
I have a meeting with the counselor tomorrow, I will strategize with her. We have a couples counseling session on thursday which we never cancelled and I asked her to attend with me, she said she will go, so that would be the time to confront.
She stayed up last night sending disgusting messages to this guy. The amount of lies of what she claimed to not remember but now suddenly does about their initial rendezvous at halloween disgusts me. After reading it, I see clearly she is a very nasty, ****ty woman. She is not the woman I married. She had sex in front of other people in a room filled with drugs on Halloween, she is talking about vile, vulgar things. The mother of my children...
I'm starting to question my decision to let her watch the kids during the week. I'm preparing my evidence in the case that I need to go for full custody and just give her visitation. My heart breaks for these kids, their mother is a horrible role model, and they love her so much.
I was in denial about her being a good mom. I guess I just believed she would always be one. But my mother has been saying since the affair that she thinks she will run away from the kids, and part of me now thinks she may be right. She is increasingly trying to pawn the kids on me so she can plan bad activities. In addition, she's staying up late every night talking to this guy and then having to wake up early every morning to watch the kids. How great of a job can she be doing if she's exhausted and thinking about men all day?
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Re: Aaaaahhhhhhh!!! 
