anchorwatch

Point made. Now it's her turn.

CandieGirl

Coming in on this one late....has she gone no contact yet with the other man?

OP - stop the pissing contest, the OM is goading you at this point.

fuserleer

yeah I was gunna leave it there at an insult

His motives are clear, as soon as my wife is home (which should be soon) I'm going to tell her I have contacted him (if she doesn't know already) and make sure she is aware of his game.

From there, her reaction there is a number of responses that I have, some are very strong...but I feel that it what is needed.

fuserleer

He can goad all he likes, I'm not angry with him, actually I am happy at his responses, it means my judgement and instinct have been spot on.

If my wife is sincere regarding him, their "friendship" and what would happen if he tried it on, it should be easy to get him out of the picture.

Other side of the fence of course, is if she takes his side and backs him up...and unless some strong but short persuasion doesn't turn around her view, then it'll be swift sharp action from there as then she clearly doesn't respect me, my wishes or our marriage.

Unsure in Seattle

Well, to the logical, his replies are proof positive. Hope your wife isn't so far along that she can't see what's going on, here.

Fuse, it sounds like you have the right head screwed on for this. Don't keep sniping with/at him via text, tho'- if he keeps responding, simply say (or keep saying) "Leave my wife alone."

turnera

And what happens if he contacts you again? If HE wants the last word? Will you be mature and man enough to NOT respond?

warlock07

What a immature little prick.

And he sounds like a lowlife. I guess your wife was attracted to his badboy qualities


I'll leave this quote here.


Point of concern here. You said your wife pursued you aggressively in the beginning right? What was her financial state then?

You were a good catch for a single mother(Successful and single). Is there a chance that you are being taken advantage of financially? She doesn't have to work, do what she wants, live a decently affluent life with overseas trips with a man who is taking total care of her and her daughter. And once he gets into financial and work problems, she starts becoming distant? Or is it the miscarriages?

turnera

Or is there a chance she just gets off on pursuing guys?

fuserleer

So, that didn't quite go as planned, but first the replies

turnera - he replied, again, I am a man, I didn't

warlock07 - her financial state was fine, she didn't earn a lot, but she was ok, living at her folks, nice and comfy. I don't think she took advantage of me. She's stuck by my side through the finanical issues, and she's done everything she can to help out, she hasn't pestered for new clothes or anything of the sort, she got what she needed, not what she wanted, and she's done that for almost 2 years. These immediate problems are the past 2 weeks.

If I wasn't convinced before tonight it was these miscarriages and other things I am now...all though, my plan didn't quite go to plan.

Bottom line is, tomorrow she is going to her mums to think and see how she feels, I'm looking at this as if its over.

Tonight she came home, on time, I greeted her, we had a little chat about her day, said she felt a little ill as she was moving stuff around for her gran all day. We got a drink and a bite to eat (daughter was at her mums for the night), chatted a bit more, it was nice.

We settled down in the lounge, and she said "so I guess we need to talk properly"...so that was a positive, she wanted to talk. I stated that I had something to tell her, and I told her I had mailed that guy today, and the responses I got. I drilled it clear cut, that he was just after in her knickers...that's where the plan kinda derailed.

She didn't leap to his defense as such, or tell me off for messaging him, she said she had a feeling that I would, but she did question what he had said, and that it didn't sound like him. I showed her the emails and she did seem a little shocked. Then she tries to justify his messages, "well maybe he felt threatened?"..."I don't care, I feel threatened and you as a wife should respect that."

I told her that if we were to move forward with us, we needed to get rid of him, period, end of story, nill contact, that's it. She didn't like that idea very much, and said it felt like I was telling her who she could have as friends, I stressed it wasn't like that, that she could have any friend in the world, but not him.

This went on for a while, and I got agitated and lost my cool, I frogmarched her upstairs in front of the wardrobe and told her that if she couldn't make that simple, easy decision, then she isn't a fitting wife and that she needs to pack all this stuff away and go right now.

Chapter 2 - End of plan, into chaos
----------------------------------

I have never in all my days seen a woman break down like my wife did tonight, never, and I've broken some women's hearts. This was quite simply something else, just sheer panic, confusion, delusion and irrational thinking of the highest order. I simply did not know what to do....I swear if we weren't detached and have a few acres around us, the neighbours would of thought I was killing her. It was crazy, and not a word out of her mouth at this point was about him and his friends, this was real deep pain I swear it, about the miscarriages, about how she wanted a family and can't have one with me, about her grandfather, about her lifelong friend she no longer see's EVERYTHING came out in one big mess.

She was screaming at me that I had to make her head stop pounding and that she wanted me to take her somewhere to take to confusion away, it was epic in the most disturbing sense.

I began to think I'd selected the wrong plan lol

After a good hour of this, I managed to calm her down and I left the him and friend thing well alone for a while, he/them wasn't really the problem.

She said she loves me with everything she's got, but she just doesn't know where she is, one thing I picked up on, is that when I play with her daughter, and make her laugh, make things with her, play games, she said it hurts, that it hurts so much to think that we haven't got a child to do that with. That kinda upset me, and is now as I write tbh, because I KNOW that's all she wanted in the world.

She's also VERY worried about these test's next week, and what they come back with, she said that at the moment she's trying to take her mind of the motherly wants that she has, because she doesn't know if we, or her can have children.

She was a bit calmer now, so I picked the moment to talk to her about the game plan, what we were going to do to change things, how we could change it together and make things better...she seems to like all the suggestions and said that it would be good.

At this point we went back downstairs, she wanted a cuddle so I gave her one, a little smooch too which was nice.

I thought things were looking up a little, and for the first time this week, we actually had a rational conversation. She was asking how all this plan would work in a bit more detail, and raising her concerns about other things such as the business, running the house etc, because she knows how much pressure I'm already under.

I told her that she is my wife, my beautiful lady, and that I would take as many hits on the back as needed if it meant we were making ground and she was happy....that went down pretty well.

Next she asked about spending some time at her mums, she said she wanted to be alone and think this through, think about her feelings about everything above. I know I've neglected her somewhat, and I know it hurts her, she understands WHY this is, but it's cut a bit deep I think because its been for so long.

Her reason was simple, and came from her, she said it would be easy to say "Yes, lets do this" but she said she wanted to be certain that she was saying "Yes" to me, and not yes to all the things I can give her, or the easy way out as she put it. I thought this was sensible, but at the same I was dubious of it and aired my concerns.

What's thrown me with all this is how she was, it was crazy, and there is certainly some deep issues with things that are weighing on her far more than our relationship. In a way, if I was having a fit like that, I would probably want to be alone and lick my wounds too.

So, I eventually agreed, this is shot to **** as it is, so the options are say goodbye now, or at least give her some breathing room to think about her feelings.

She's having a short time at her mothers, I've told her that she needs to think and that's it, that's what she is there for. Any funny business with this guy or his mates, and its game over. I told her there wasn't a set deadline, but it won't be long, that I'm not going to wait weeks for her to make up her mind and that if I haven't heard from her in a reasonable time frame, then I will take that as we have parted and I will start proceedings.

So, tomorrow she is going, I told her she is free to contact me via text, or call me if she needed to. I also said that if she was really missing me and made up her mind, then she can call me, tell me, and come home whenever she likes, so long as my deadline hasn't passed. She's going with very little money, enough to cover her day to day running about, and things she may need for her daughter. I'm having all the cards and any over cash out of her purse. She's there to think, so I aren't going to fund any wild nights out.

For me, I'm looking at this as if it is over, when she goes tomorrow, in my mind that is it, end of story. She said that while we were talking, she thought about us not being together and she missed me, even though I was right there, and that she felt positive about the whole thing.

We discussed a few other points, had a few laughs, the line in that MMSL book about Jabba the hut, "Soon you will appreciate me" works....that got her giggling and laughing, I said a bit blaze, "this could be our last night together, our last kiss, our last cuddle, its quite scary to think that" and threw in the Jabba line, and I'm pretty sure it led to the rumpy on the sofa shortly after lol.

I cuddled her in bed until she went to sleep, and I couldn't settle so here I am lol

iheartlife

fuse, thanks for the update.

You probably realize that separation is a classic way for someone to ramp up their affair. I realize that while staying at her mother's she can't have someone over; but if there is something going on, she would be taking this opportunity to spend time with him to talk about "them." Maybe she can't do that for logistical reasons, but at least in terms of what usually happens in these situations, that is the script that most people in inappropriate relationships tend to follow.

Here is the role that I see her losses playing (as I've said before); plus the test stuff: all very stressful and depressing. The whole she wants to be a mother again thing. Every bit of this is something she wants to forget and get away from. Perhaps she even associates some of this in her life with you--you are a reminder that she cannot (so far) be a mother to one of your bio children and so you may serve as an ever-present signal of her "failure" in that regard. Her relationship with that man is a very fun and super easy escape from all this--she can be someone else while spending time with him (and his friends).

This is a classic line, particularly from modern wives to modern husbands. She's telling you that you're being controlling. If she says it again, you answer back to her, 'no, I love you very much and our marriage is extremely important to me. This man may think he's your friend, but he's clearly shown that he is no friend of our marriage. Someone of the opposite sex who is not a friend to both of us and supportive of our marriage should not be part of your life or of mine. You would never tolerate the shoe being on the other foot.'

I am VERY glad you weren't cowed by that line because you'd be surprised how boatloads of other men are. These men are the very last people who would ever be abusive, violent, or controlling; they detest the idea so much that the mere label can make them quake with fear. There is irony for you in spades.

I am glad you have a firm deadline on when this separation will end. It's unclear to me how you are going to verify no contact while she's there. Sorry if I'm forgetting this; do you have access to her cell phone records? I've found that if you view the records online (you may have to set up an account first) you get far more detailed information than you do from a paper bill.

__________________
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Turning the Mind Into an Ally

fuserleer

Yeah I realize that separation can lead to more issues, hence my airing my concerns about it when she suggested it.

I'd like to reiterate that I don't think for a minute there's been any sexual contact, maybe some mild flirting who know's.

She said tonight that she LOVES our sex, that shes always happy at the end of it, and feels good. There's been no problems in the bedroom period, no real change in the frequency and she did say the other day before all tonight's saga that despite everything, she wants the sex

As for the controlling thing, I said exactly what you quoted and made it clear that I care for our marriage and he does not, that he just wants a piece for his own ego and that after he's done you will get called a cab and left to sort yourself out.

I can get her phone records from the operator as I have contacts there, and even the text that was in the messages (something you guys probably cant get your hands on). I told her I would be checking and she said that was fine.

She's that afraid of what her parents think, she isn't telling them the reason she is there, its a "he's gone on business for a few days and I didn't want to be in the house on my own" type thing.

That kinda sets it up, because if she wants to stay there longer than 4-5 days max, shes GOT to tell them whats up.

Remember she's got no money during this period other than what she needs bare minimum, she wont have access to the accounts and tonight I emptied the joint....so she cant just go and get a new phone otherwise she would have to spend the money she needs...she wont ask her parents as they will question why she needs money as they know if I was away I wouldnt leave her without any....he works but is as skint as a sewer rat.

He lives at his parents and they know she is married. So it should be difficult for them to meet and get hanky panky time if that's the idea, also her daughter will be with her, and her mother won't have her constantly while she pops out. If she brought him to her parents, she would be outcast instantly.

iheartlife

This is something to remember. Many people shy away from telling their parents what is going on in the marriage, although many times their respect is very important to the spouse who is crossing marital boundaries.

I would go ahead and get these now. She is resisting this situation more than you expected; and he is not responding the way a true gentleman (and frankly, true friend to her) would respond.

You are also going to make many a loyal spouse from the United States weep with envy. I was just wondering today what I would give to have my husband's texts with his affair partner. But then, perhaps it is all just as well that I don't have them after all.

edited to say, but I wish you had not given her a heads up that you'd be looking at the records.

__________________
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Turning the Mind Into an Ally

fuserleer

Haha sorry guys, its a favor I'm owed with the texts, I cant spread it around

Well she wouldnt tell them unless she had to, and they would know it wasn't a single sided story, and that I wouldn't let it get to this if I could help it. They are very much "you are married, you sort it out!!" kinda people, and wouldn't look kindly on their daughter turning up back home with her cap in her hand without actually trying to fix this.

I told her so that I could use it as a deterrent, plus, she knows my connection and probably suspects deep down that I have already or will check them even if I didn't tell her.

Unfortunately because she was so "sure, yeah fine!" about it, I then asked her to see her phone, and she said ok. She went hunting and said she had left it at her grans.

She is in bed now and Ive hunted everywhere, in her bag, around the house, her car, its not here. She ALWAYS charges it on the bedside table at night, the charger is there, no phone, Ive called it, its off, battery likely dead.

When she couldn't find it, I told her I would just get the records then, because I want to see what he was saying to her....again I got a "ok sure"

So its either hidden and off, she knew something tonight was coming and left it there purposely (if she was so into this guy then thats gotta be unlikely) or she really did forget it....she has before on a few occasions.

keko

Agreed with iheartlife and as you know her being away makes it much easier for her to get in touch with posOM. Although she can't buy a new phone due to funds, it is possible she'll use her parents cell or landline phone.

What if you're tipped off that she is meeting him somewhere? What will you do then?

keko

Also she has to be either extremely naive or seriously ungrateful to risk her marriage over a broke ass loser.