Halien

Have you considered the possibility that she is assuming that you will eventually come back to her, trying to win her back? According to her friend, she was on the fence, testing the waters with both of the men in her life. Takes a sense of security to even try that, given that most of us would fear getting caught. Even when she first brought this guy into her life, you were so afraid of being labelled controlling that she felt pretty secure in keeping male friends around. That attitude, I feel, usually accompanies a sense of security. In other words, if she sensed that having independent relationships with other men was a deal-breaker with you, she would have dealt with the situation one way or another. She didn't deal with the friendships because of her security in having them. Here, it could be possible that she will cling to the story that her relationship with him wasn't sexual, assuming that you'll calm down and go about business as usual.

At the very least, recognize that her sense of how things are now might be somewhat different than yours.

fuserleer

True, but she knows that I am a no BS kinda guy. If I didn't like something I always told her and put a stop to it.

Maybe this is a test, or like you say she still feels secure that she can come back at somepoint. She's going to have a shock for sure.

She posted on FB an hour or so ago that she has gone to the miscarriage clinic on her own....I was surprised to be honest, and even felt a bit guilty!

But then its her own fault, and the fact that she hasn't posted anything of FB for a couple of days, its simply just for me to see it, tug my heart strings, and to find out if I will text her anything about it etc. Ive not spoken to her for nearly 2 days now.

If she doesn't get that having a friend like that, was a deal breaker by now, then there is something really wrong with her tbh.

Almostrecovered

don't assume she has any logical sense to what she's doing

people in affairs are literally hopped up on dopamine

__________________
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
Newbies please read this
My story

turnera

That's called GUILT-TRIPPING. Don't fall for it. You now don't CARE if she can get pregnant, because you will no longer be MARRIED to her. It has nothing to do with your life now.

Stay silent.

fuserleer

oh yeah I realised that, and didn't send anything and told myself off for feeling a bit guilty.

At the end of it all, I can recover, she can not, she is going back to where she always does after a relationship, mum and dads, no job, no money....looking for the next "best thing"

I'll have no trouble finding a woman when the time is right, and I shan't make the same mistakes again, in the mean time, I'll just have fun and fix my life.

As for the prenup, it'll become apparent sooner or later, the truth always comes out.

warlock07

Don't think too much before you get the texts. This friend is reliable, right?

And she must have realized something is wrong by now. You even called the burner phone. She might be busy destroying the evidence.

keko

How was your day?

Did she come home? Did you look at the texts of the new phone?

warlock07

How are things going? Are you ok?

fuserleer

hey guys. this may be long lol

I got a text from her yesterday morning asking if she could get some stuff that she wanted, I told her I was packing everything up and she was taking it all as that was that. Towards the end of the day I got the "I'd like to talk" txt yesterday and so agreed to at least talk.

She turned up and was rather upset, heh, said she didn't know what the hell she was doing or where she was going...maybe the realization of me packing her stuff hit home, I don't know.

Anyway we had a long talk, and overcame a number of hurdles...she admitted that it got physical, and that after it felt wrong and she was guilty about it, I didn't push the question of how far it went, I don't need to know that right now, and for me kissing is almost as bad as sex anyway. I was just glad that she admitted it.

She said that she hadn't seen him for a few days, had told him to leave her alone and was pretty sure she didn't want him ( I confirmed this with her friend, and she concurred)...I asked her what she felt for him, she shrugged and said, "nothing I think, he was just there and took my mind off things", I asked her what she felt for us and she said "that she thinks we shouldn't just throw it away, that she cares for me and loves me, but that there's no spark".

I agreed and told her basically the same, we agreed that we had been rushed by other parties and that apart from the first few weeks of our relationship, nothing had been a natural progression at its own speed.

She said that she had no idea how to get back to where we were and that her mother had been pressuring her to move back here (someone poking around as always).

I told her that was no good and that it would end in disaster very quickly and that we needed to think of an alternative that was beneficial to us both healing if we were going to do anything at all.

I made us a drink at this point and had a quick think what to suggest, her parents are really getting on her nerves now, no change there, so I kinda formulated the following plan.

I told her that due to the circumstances, given time, I may be able to overcome the infidelity....its not like we got married 2 years ago and she's bedded 100 men or something, this was within the last 2 weeks, when she and us were in a very dark place....doesn't excuse it any less...but it doesn't actually hurt as much as it could.

Leaving out some details, the plan is as such....we are hitting the reset button, we have agreed that whatever happened in our relationship is forgiven, except for the case of if I have a need to know more about what happened with him, I am allowed to ask that. We take it as friends to start and let that progress naturally, like it did the first time, for a week or so...then we start to date, and have set a date night for next Friday, we date for a while, and then move on.

The plan is to do the whole thing, from scratch, with no rushing from anyone, or anything this time around and see how far we get. When I say whole thing, I mean, the whole thing.

She is getting a job and a house to rent of her own, I'm not paying for anything other than the gentlemanly thing of covering nights out occasionally and things like that, her house is her responsibility.

That way we can do things like we should of, I go around hers and stay over, and vice versa, which we never got chance to do before. Moving forward, we are a couple for however long we feel the need to, and then move in together, in our own time, may that be 3-6-9 months, it doesn't matter.

We do that for a while, and at some point in the future, I will re-propose, and then we set a date sometime from there to have a "wedding" (renewal of vows).

Doing this, we can allow our love and bond to grow and strengthen properly, instead of it being rushed and weak. Assuming of course that the feelings we once had do start to come back, we are going to give it some time, probably somewhere in the middle of the dating period, and see how we both feel then. If one or niether of us feels like anything is happening, then we evaluate and maybe can the idea. Worst case is we tried, failed, and would part as friends.

She was pleased with the plan, and VERY keen to get started on it, she said it made her feel very positive, and would give her things to focus on as well as us (which was part of the reason I suggested it, focus and goals which she was lacking). She said she thought this would be a lot of fun for us both, and I agreed.

Ive seen so many times, couples that just move back in together and it doesn't work, both parties need time to heal, have good times and miss each other to rebuild that bond.

Yesterday evening we went out, and it really was pretty damn good, felt like when we very first met, before we even dated, today we spent most of the day together, and also this evening. Lots of flirting and laughing.

Tomorrow (our anniversary) we are not seeing each other, as far as currently concerned between us, we aren't married, neither of us are wearing our rings, and so we decided that we would leave any meeting tomorrow. Instead she is going out for her girly night that she wanted (confirmed), and I am going to my pals.

Sunday we are spending the day, and have also planned things for next week.

This may seem unorthodox to some, but IMO this is a perfect plan for us, and I myself am quite looking forward to doing it. I'm still a little weary about if she is true to her word, but I can spot her lies immediately and she seemed very genuine.

A few other points to consider:

Shes getting nothing from me at all in terms of assistance aside from maybe a few items of furniture from our house and things like that, financially she is on her own...I am not required...yet she still wishes to do this.

She had a perfect opportunity tonight to cancel, yet didn't, she compromised and still saw me.

If she wanted to see this guy still, she could of taken the opportunity to cancel, or cancel anyway.

Ive spent around 12 hours with her in the past 36, and only twice has her phone appeared.

All her night's next week without her daughter are allocated to me, and we are doing things in the day also on a number of days.

Thoughts?

EDIT: I just logged on to her FB, he has messaged her 3 times on there today, the messages were read, "hey beautiful, you ok" ------ "guess not" ------ "not talkin?" she hadn't replied.

warlock07

You must be kidding right? So 2 or 3 is ok ?

Kids should be the only reason that should even thin about getting back. No kids, divorce!!!

Let us see what she did here.

She got caught, she did not confess.
She kept lying repeatedly and hurt you immensely during this time.
She got a burner phone to keep the affair going. This is not a one night stand when she was drunk.It was intentional and entirely planned out.
She hurt you immensely and made you question yourself during these days while she was having her affair...
While you were breaking your back to make the business work and keep the family(The family with you , her and her kid) afloat, she was having an affair on you.
This OM even insulted you. Remember? She looked at the text to make sure he did not spill anything but did not say a word with you. they both were laughing at you behind your back. She was even meeting him a couple of days back. Only after the friend exposed, did you see the change in her attitude.

How can you trust her after this. next time she will keep the affairs off the phones. What then?Can you verify every time she goes out with friends? She will find a way like she did now.


What happened to all this guilt before she was caught? She has very few options that can sustain her lifestyle now.(Even her mother is pushing her out)

the Coping with infidelity is replete with stories like your where men regret taking back their wives after the first time. Your wife is one of the kind that is full of red flags!!

You said you can tell when she is lying, then you should have known about the affair for a few months. You underestimate your wife.

What happened to the resolve? Read your older posts. Please don't do this!! Taking her back is the biggest mistake you can do.

If you are starting afresh, why start with a cheater?

fuserleer

heh I knew some would think this unorthodox.

Ok let me state some facts that have led to this decision of ours:

1. She has NEVER cheated before in her life, no one night stands, nothing. Despite having ample opportunities to

2. The burner phone turned out to be her mothers, her phone had charging issues so she borrowed her mothers for a couple of days.

3. I found a diary the other day....it was full of her despair about these miscarriages, that's all that was in there....nothing else. Spanning over 6 months.

In January she had written that she was plucking up the courage to end her life as she couldn't cope any longer. She had written letters to everyone telling them how she felt about them, and her funeral requests....this was very hard and upsetting to read, I had no idea she felt this bad.

4. This was not pre-meditated.

5. She is not the only one at fault, I did/didnt do things that contributed to this.

Do I trust her....no....can I trust her again, I believe so.

People in bad places do stupid things, some drink and drive and kill someone, some self harm, some do drugs, some rape women, some kill themselves. We are all only human, and life can affect us in many way's, and push us to do things that we think will help, or make us feel better, when in-fact they do not.

The fact is that I don't want to not at least try....if she proves to still be in contact with him (which currently the evidence she isn't and is telling truth) then that's this chance over and done with. But until that point, I am prepared to have a little faith that the un-damaged her is still in there somewhere, and over the past 2 days already I have seen glimpses of it.

Children can hurt parents just as much, if not more, than spouses. If this was a child in their teens that I abandoned in their time of need because they had lied, hurt, stole, and whatever from me, there would be uproar. Because it is an adult, they are supposed to be forgotten and deemed a life of hell for doing something they wouldn't of ever done in different circumstances.

iheartlife

So this guy still gets to be part of her life, evidently? Because you are going to date and act like you're not married. He's still her friend on facebook. Remember when she told her girlfriend she couldn't decide between you?

Sounds like she may get to date you both with your permission, and take her own time deciding, which was what she wanted all along.

I have thought you had plenty of chance to reconcile, but with the OM still in the picture, how are you not her fallback position? Are you able to guard your heart in this new open relationship?
Posted via Mobile Device

warlock07

Please post in the Coping with Infidelity forum. You will get better advice there. Link back your post here. Don't decide to reconcile yet. Take more time. Put the relationship on probation atleast for a while.


You just did a 180 from your previous posts. You said a kiss is enough for you to break it off. Now you want to save her? This is 2 years into the marriage.

Read about "White Knight syndrome " and "Knight in shining armour" syndrome in the mean while

You cannot save people from themselves. Good luck!!

keko

So it got physical but you don't want to know how far it was?

What will you do if you find out the details a few years later?

anchorwatch

fuserleer, I haven't posted since you found out the OM wasn't just a friend. I know a good amount of posters familiar with infidelity will push you for divorce. They do have a lot of experience and can guide you in your efforts. But it is your decision to try to reconcile. You have positioned yourself well against any financing loss. That's good. Your are young and you can still recoup if this doesn't work out with her. If you can't reconcile, you can chalk it up to a learning experience. Like turnera said, it just practice for your next relationship.

But I would repeat iheartlife's warring.
YOU WILL NOT BE SUCCESSFUL AS LONG AS SHE IS IN CONTACT WITH THE OTHER MAN!!!

If she wishes to try to reconnect, she must give you full transparency and have NO CONTACT with the other man.There can only be two people in any relationship, not three. If she does not agree to NC during the reconciliation period, you have no chance.

I wish you the best and hope your succeed at your endeavors.

__________________
"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.