I could do with an outside view on this please.

NewM · 06-29-2012, 08:47 AM

Wasn't it supposed to be that she will get a job and pay for her own place,you even complained that she liked you for your money(lifestyle) and now you are gonna pay for her place too?

With paying her everything you are only allowing her to have more mixed emotions,she might not want anything to do with you romantically but she likes lifestyle and doesn't want to stay at her parents.

WillK · 06-29-2012, 09:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fuserleer

erm how do ya mean?

Maybe she can't get a place because that's not meant to be how this plays out.

fuserleer · 06-29-2012, 09:16 AM

I have no intention of paying for her place, its simply to try and get her back here so she is happier and gives us some moving ground.

Ahh WillK yeah I see, hopefully thats true lol

Toffer · 06-29-2012, 09:42 AM

"I told her that I would get her a place, as in my name on it, a nice place....BUT.....before we do that, shes gotta move back here for a while at least and we live as roomies and see what happens"

So the idea is if she moves back in with you NOW and all goes well, THEN you get (and pay for) a place for her?

Sorry but this doesn't seem to make much sense to me!

WillK · 06-29-2012, 10:45 AM

I'm sure I don't have to remind you about this, but I think what you're saying is she doesn't have the credit or income to get a place in her name, so you're going to get a place in your name because you have the credit and income... And you're going to trust her to pay for it.

The part I'm sure you shouldn't need to be reminded about is that if it's in your name and she doesn't pay, then you're responsible for paying for it.

Toffer · 06-29-2012, 11:39 AM

OK, she should focus all her attention on getting a job

Let her continue to live with her parents (heck, she's pretty much over there every day anyway, right?) and she can get some money and then move out

Jeesh. Isn't that how we all did it?

turnera · 06-29-2012, 12:20 PM

My take is that this woman has been skating on the backs of others her whole life and simply has no clue how to take care of herself - thus all her problems. You solving this for her does NOTHING for your relationship NOR for her well being. If she wants something badly enough, let HER figure out how to get it.

Stop being her Daddy.

Lyris · 06-29-2012, 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by turnera

truthspeaker, you sure have had a lot of people cheat on you.

Yes, and it's so hard to se why...
Posted via Mobile Device

warlock07 · 06-30-2012, 02:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fuserleer

well shes having issues getting a place, and her folks are driving her insane.

I told her that I would get her a place, as in my name on it, a nice place....BUT.....before we do that, shes gotta move back here for a while at least and we live as roomies and see what happens. Told her that it wouldnt hurt and if shes serious about "the plan" then theres nothing to loose.

She agreed that it couldn't hurt but she would feel uncomfortable, but that she would think about.

Give her some options, see what she takes.

You are going to pay for her apartment now?

fuserleer · 06-30-2012, 03:21 AM

There was no intention for me to pay for her place, I only said that so that I could present that "deal" to see if she would take it.

We spent some time together last night, her daughter got very upset and said she was missing me and "why don't we share houses anymore"...kinda killed me off that did.

She resents me for quite a bit of stuff, plus her endless problems, she admitted that some was her fault too, not just me. There's lots of work to do here.

I think for now I'm just gonna sit back and let her get her own place and stuff, do the counseling sessions that she wants to do, and see where it goes. She keeps saying that shes looking forward to her own space and me going down for dinner and stuff. The more I see her, the more I believe that she doesn't want us to quit and split for good.

I then went out with a couple of pals up town...I then got messages from her asking if I had another woman!! Not sure how she's got that idea, but she certainly didn't like it. She's been asking around too if I have or not so I hear lol I suppose that's good in a way, shows there "some" feeling there.

warlock07 · 06-30-2012, 06:06 AM

You are scraping at the bottom of the barrel now. I think you should back off a little now. Looks like she is not worried about losing you..

WillK · 06-30-2012, 06:44 AM

So looking at Athol's blog reminds me of a point. If you were ranking yourself and your wife on a scale of 1-10, would you rank higher than her, she rank higher than you or about the same?

I think his point is that giving ultimatums is something you do when you rank higher than your wife.. Just something to consider. I don't think you ever really spoke to where she ranks relative to you.. If you're talking about her being worried about you seeing another woman, maybe that's a sign that she's seeing you as more attractive than herself and is getting nervous and feeling attraction to you.

On other matters, I think all of this kind of fits.. Look you're being passive about this. You were pretty active when you were deciding you were done with her, and it's understandable that you didn't fully change over to wanting her back, but you're letting her have control of whether the relationship reconciles or not...

The outcome of letting her make that decision is predictable. A woman will, all things being equal, want to leave because it's indecision on the part of the man and that's an unattractive trait. The only way she's not going to leave is if you're higher rank than her... I don't think that's the case because if it was she'd be out the door because you'd have stuck with your original plan.

Dude, I think you want her, my guess is you're equal in rank, and the outcome will be splitsville if you remain passive or happily ever after if you start actively taking control. You've got to make up your mind. She's going to leave or follow based on your choice.

fuserleer · 06-30-2012, 07:11 AM

ok all that makes sense to be honest.

I would say that when we met, I certainly ranked higher than her. But through our lifestyle, her's has probably risen to match mine. However, she can't live anywhere near that lifestyle now, so perhaps her rank is starting to fall, and mine is beginning to rise due to my actions.

What I'm confused on now is the next step, as in, she doesn't want to move back here, but she does actively want to give all this a go once she has her space. How do I take control of that?

I've heard from people, that she really doesn't like the idea that I am out and about, she's afraid I'm going to meet someone, then I'm lost for good no matter if she resolves her problems or not. She keeps asking me about it, and I keep being blase "yeah Ive got tons!" "of course, who could resist me"

What do I want, I'm still unsure, I think about the work involved here and I just ACHE! But then I think about what we had and I ache just as much, because there does seem to be a possibility that it can all be retrieved.

anchorwatch · 06-30-2012, 07:57 AM

fuserleer,

I know you have done the reading. HNHN and MMSL

Has she read HNHN?

She doesn't seem to know or care how important it is to be together, for the work ahead.

fuserleer · 06-30-2012, 08:03 AM

No I didnt give her anything to read yet.

I still think the most utmost priority is to get her fixed up first.

Kerb this depression, and all the talk about suicide etc, that's for sure #1 I'm confident that she also doesn't want us to split up for good right now, she talks about things in the near future involving me, us, when her family ask her "is that it then?" she always tells them "NO".

She's pinning a lot of hope on this counseling, we are doing a session together first, then arranging some for her on her own.

The fact that she is panicking a little about me "playing the game" solidifies those feels of "I don't want it to be over, but why don't I want it to be together either" and verifies what she is saying to me.

She admitted for the first time yesterday that she was also at fault through our relationship, that she maybe didn't communicate clearly or put her foot down in certain area's...also progress I guess.

Only road I see here right now, is to continue with the plan, she gets her place at some point, we stay in contact in the meantime, then ramp it up a little once she has it.

As for my next steps, I still don't know what they are, I'm hoping WillK can give me some advice