I could do with an outside view on this please.

Unsure in Seattle · 06-12-2012, 09:56 AM

I'm sorry but I just don't see how meeting the dude solves anything. There's plenty of stories on this site about WWs wanting their husband to befriend their APs so they can have their cake and eat it, too. "See? He's just a friend!"

I can't agree more than with the poster who said that you can't let this guy fill this supposed void in her life.

fuserleer · 06-12-2012, 10:27 AM

Thanks to everyone that posted their advice.

Our conversation last night went on longer and I think it's game over.

She says she's not sure about anything anymore, she had her daughter young, and she claims that she feels like she's missed out on life, that she just wants to let her hair down.

When we met she wanted a family, marriage etc, and it was genuine, but she's done a complete U-Turn on all that, probably due to this preganancy issues, and by the sounds of things resents all of her choices.

She said she thinks we might of got married too soon (2 years), even though it was her that wanted it, that she feels like shes got nothing in her life that's worth anything.

I kinda lost my temper at this point and told her she was selfish and being childish, that all these things were her own choices and she's where she is due to the things SHE wanted. She has no daily stress at all, she doesn't work, she can do pretty much what she wants, and I deal with everything else. All I ask from her is to keep the house tidy and look after me which was great up until recently.

I'm very hurt and angry by some of the stuff she was saying, and I'm very close to just throwing in the towel, I know shes been through a lot, but so have I, and I still am, on a daily basis, and it just doesn't seem to sink in.

I work VERY hard to look after her and her daughter, and the thanks I get is that she wants to go and live life, and let her hair down.

So I'll let her....and I wont be waiting around when she realizes that the only real bad choice she made was that one!

Toffer · 06-12-2012, 11:07 AM

fuse,

I am truly sorry that you find yourself here. I think she's been using the excuses of her grandfather's death and her miscarriages as justification for her carring on her affair with the OM. He's been providing her with a level of emotional support that's never good for a marriage

You should count your blessings that you don't have a child with her because this would prevent a clean break from her.

The next step you should take is to expose her to her family (tell them about all the time she's been spending with the OM and why you missed the wedding) and also expose him to his family.

While you share responsibility for the issues in your marriage, DO NOT blame yourself for her decision to cheat. That's all on her!

You should look up the 180 here at TAM and start implementing it as ossn as possible. It will help you prepare yourself for your life without her

Stay strong and keep posting!

A Bit Much · 06-12-2012, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fuserleer

Thanks to everyone that posted their advice.

Our conversation last night went on longer and I think it's game over.

She says she's not sure about anything anymore, she had her daughter young, and she claims that she feels like she's missed out on life, that she just wants to let her hair down.

When we met she wanted a family, marriage etc, and it was genuine, but she's done a complete U-Turn on all that, probably due to this preganancy issues, and by the sounds of things resents all of her choices.

She said she thinks we might of got married too soon (2 years), even though it was her that wanted it, that she feels like shes got nothing in her life that's worth anything.

I kinda lost my temper at this point and told her she was selfish and being childish, that all these things were her own choices and she's where she is due to the things SHE wanted. She has no daily stress at all, she doesn't work, she can do pretty much what she wants, and I deal with everything else. All I ask from her is to keep the house tidy and look after me which was great up until recently.

I'm very hurt and angry by some of the stuff she was saying, and I'm very close to just throwing in the towel, I know shes been through a lot, but so have I, and I still am, on a daily basis, and it just doesn't seem to sink in.

I work VERY hard to look after her and her daughter, and the thanks I get is that she wants to go and live life, and let her hair down.

So I'll let her....and I wont be waiting around when she realizes that the only real bad choice she made was that one!

So, the division has already begun.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation, and you are right. What she's talking about and doing is very selfish.

Would you consider counseling? How about her? I think she really needs it.

fuserleer · 06-12-2012, 11:40 AM

Well, she said she's open to seek counseling and all that kinda thing, grief management and stuff like that.

To me tho, this just seems like the beginning of the end, and I feel like I'm going to be left carrying the can, while she's out doing whatever she feels she needs to do, and me funding it.

I got the usual, "I don't want to hurt you" etc, and I told her she already is. I don't doubt that she feels the way she does, the reasons behind it and that her being very upset was indeed genuine, but that doesn't really help me does it.

Fact is, none of this is my fault, none at all, yet I'm the one that will get hurt, be left without and stuck out in the wilderness, wondering where, and even IF I fit in anywhere, and I'm not going to stand for it.

Maybe a short sharp shock will snap her out of it, if I go in with the attitude it's either US and we work at it, or its the door.

A Bit Much · 06-12-2012, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fuserleer

Well, she said she's open to seek counseling and all that kinda thing, grief management and stuff like that.

To me tho, this just seems like the beginning of the end, and I feel like I'm going to be left carrying the can, while she's out doing whatever she feels she needs to do, and me funding it.

I got the usual, "I don't want to hurt you" etc, and I told her she already is. I don't doubt that she feels the way she does, the reasons behind it and that her being very upset was indeed genuine, but that doesn't really help me does it.

Fact is, none of this is my fault, none at all, yet I'm the one that will get hurt, be left without and stuck out in the wilderness, wondering where, and even IF I fit in anywhere, and I'm not going to stand for it.

Maybe a short sharp shock will snap her out of it, if I go in with the attitude it's either US and we work at it, or its the door.

Well, this is a fight. A fight for your marriage... do anything you can do to hold it together, and insist she does the same. This means no contact with this friend and serious time spent together doing the real work. Counseling would be my next step if I were in your shoes. Right away.

fuserleer · 06-12-2012, 11:55 AM

A fight indeed, and honestly, one I haven't got the energy for.

I mean, I shouldn't HAVE to fight to keep my wife when I have done nothing wrong, and IMO if I have to do that, she isn't a wife worth having.

This whole living life thing is a double edged sword, granted we don't live the lifestyle we used to at the moment, but its anything but monotonous. Its a "regular" couples life IMO, yes I work a lot atm, but I still make time for her, AND her daughter. We go to the movies, bowling, I sit with her EVERY night without fail and we do whatever she wants to. Only 2 weeks ago we took a nice little mini-break away somewhere for the UK holidays.

The ONLY thing we haven't done for a while is go abroad, that's about a year. She doesn't go without, neither does her daughter, who even tho I say her's, I class as my own.

In reality I "fight" enough, everyday, to make sure that the problems we currently have due to the economy and such are out of her way and affect us as little as possible.

And now, I have to "fight" for this too? I can't, I can help her if she's really willing, but I'm not fighting.

WillK · 06-12-2012, 11:56 AM

With all due respect, I think it's possible you're misreading her. What if she's indirectly sending you the message that she NEEDS you to make everything right?

About 1 month ago I started posting here, and aside from the grief issues, my wife was saying alot of the same things.

Women "Need to let their hair down and live life" until they find someone they want to be with. Be the one that attracts her to want to be with you.

Did you at any point use words last night while talking with her like "Here's how it's going to be: You're going to stop seeing this friend. We'll get you into counseling for your grief over the miscarriages and the loss of your father. I'm going to step up as head of the household, and if I need to reprioritize or get help with the businesses that's what I will do. Having a baby - don't even let the thought enter your mind until the grief is dealt with."

Don't ask her what to do, tell her what you're doing and state it in a way that the default choice is going along with your plan.

You seem to say that you can take charge, but the way things you describe are happenning, that's what happens when maybe the man isn't taking charge.

Maybe you're taking charge, but it's just a matter of tone that you've softenned the tone from being as definitive as she needs it to be. I dunno, wasn't there for the conversation.

But like I said, from the things you're describing, it sounds like what I was getting from my wife a month ago when I was the old me.

fuserleer · 06-12-2012, 11:59 AM

Yup, I'm thinking so too from other threads and things around here.

And I sense its getting worse even over these past few days, either that or I'm being paranoid.

I'm right on the edge of just bringing down the hammer, I've sat here all day, mulling this over while trying to get some work done, and its just BS. Not her reasons, but her actions.

Also, we are married, why not tell me how she was feeling before? Only now when I challenge all these new activities and "friends"

Quote:

Originally Posted by LadyFrogFlyAway

OP, I can't tell you that your wife is *definitely* having an EA, but it sounds like she is. ALL the signs are there.

I've said it before on here, and I'll say it as much as I need to...a married woman has NO business going "out for drinks", or to the park, or anywhere, without her husband.

If cheating is a deal-breaker for you, I would start sleuthing, IMMEDIATELY. This sounds really bad.

I've had many miscarriages..more than three. If it's something you really want, you don't give up that easily. You keep trying. Yes it's heartbreaking, but who said life is easy?

WillK · 06-12-2012, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fuserleer

...and we do whatever she wants to.

For clarity, I reiterate: this is the problem. You have been together long enough. Stop doing what she wants to do, make the choices yourself and you should know enough by now to make your own choices she'll like.

Don't:
"Where do you want to go for dinner tonight?"

Do:
"Let's go get Italian for dinner."

Don't:
"I don't like that you're seeing this other guy."

Do:
"Stop seeing this other guy. I'm your husband, your emotional support is my job."

Do:
Read Married Man's Sex Life Primer 2011 by Athol Kay. It's on amazon as a kindle book you can read from a download for $9.99 (US) (gathering you're from UK?)

A Bit Much · 06-12-2012, 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fuserleer

A fight indeed, and honestly, one I haven't got the energy for.

I mean, I shouldn't HAVE to fight to keep my wife when I have done nothing wrong, and IMO if I have to do that, she isn't a wife worth having.

This whole living life thing is a double edged sword, granted we don't live the lifestyle we used to at the moment, but its anything but monotonous. Its a "regular" couples life IMO, yes I work a lot atm, but I still make time for her, AND her daughter. We go to the movies, bowling, I sit with her EVERY night without fail and we do whatever she wants to. Only 2 weeks ago we took a nice little mini-break away somewhere for the UK holidays.

The ONLY thing we haven't done for a while is go abroad, that's about a year. She doesn't go without, neither does her daughter, who even tho I say her's, I class as my own.

In reality I "fight" enough, everyday, to make sure that the problems we currently have due to the economy and such are out of her way and affect us as little as possible.

And now, I have to "fight" for this too? I can't, I can help her if she's really willing, but I'm not fighting.

I get your anger. I get what you're saying. Really I do. It's downright unfair.

But... do you want your marriage? If you do, then you will have to do some work. It's not just you, but she will have to get down and dirty too. Her happiness is not your responsibility. She has to be willing to work on that, and with your support in her doing that, you can come out of this in a good place.

But again, you have to want that.

WillK · 06-12-2012, 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LadyFrogFlyAway

The first thing that has to happen is that she has her admit her EA.

Never really happenned for me, nor did I think it was worth waiting - and my wife talking to this other man parent friend of my son was just something I wasn't comfortable with. It was never certain there was an EA on my wife's part, I would conclude he was most likely an orbiter. Didn't matter. I wanted it to stop. I told her it must stop. It stopped. And I was the man in charge she wanted, and she turned to me.

fuserleer · 06-12-2012, 12:07 PM

Yeah I hear, ya, there is a lot of that, its very 2 way, sometimes I take charge, sometimes she does...and its been perfectly fine.

I'm just lost I think, not sure which action to take, as any action will make something else suffer elsewhere.

She knows full well how tough it is for me at the moment, I don't get any me time, or get out with my friends, everything is either keeping the household together, or spending time with her and daughter...not that I mind it, but when I'm told by her "I NEED friends, I NEED to have fun!" that kinda stops the train on the tracks.

Yesterday was very much all about her, "I, me", hardly a hint of "us", like I don't even equate into these future plans whatsoever.

WillK · 06-12-2012, 12:09 PM

Here's how that works. You're going to have a good time, she can join you.

fuserleer · 06-12-2012, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by A Bit Much

But... do you want your marriage?

Yes I do, but I want the marriage we had 6 months ago. I don't want the marriage where I'm left out in the cold and she does whatever the heck she wants, valid reasons or not.

I'll answer the other question to that too, can I do without her, the answer to that is actually a very easy yes.