fuserleer

Hey Folks,

I need a little advice on a "situation" that may be arising in my marriage.

Me and my wife have been together for 4 years, and almost married for 2. We are compatible in pretty much every way and while a do trust her, there's a number of things going on atm that makes me concerned about where this situation may be heading.

Prior to this, we have had a really bad run for the past 2 years, our married life hasn't exactly been a barrel of fun.

I've had 2 businesses get hit HARD by the recession and had to shut them down, with my income now from a new business that I started just prior to everything with the other 2 going to pot. This obviously means long days working, and cash flow is tight, lots of financial management to do, which I handle and keep away from her, although she still feels the effects of it somewhat. All this has worn me down, I'm probably not as much fun as I used to be, even though and try and distance myself from it as much as possible when Im spending time with her, it does get through on occasion.

I spend time with her EVERY night, we sit and watch a movie for a few hours, or sit and chat etc from around 7pm until she goes to bed around 11ish, usually at that point, I dive back into work for a few hours.

Additionally to this, we were trying for a baby last year, and had 3 quite nasty miscarriages in succession, this had a massive effect on her emotional well-being, even though she already has a daughter from a previous relationship, she wanted one of our own. After these 3 failed attempts, she's gone completely off the idea of children.

Furthermore, last year, she lost her grandfather she was very close to, which is yet more emotional strain.

Her best friend, who is female, has moved away so its difficult for them to hang out, if not impossible.

So there's the background, here's the situation at hand:

About 2 months ago, an old friend from school contacted her, he's male, local etc, and as you do with old school friends, you have a nice chat, send some emails back and forth etc and in my experience, it pretty much ends there.

However with this guy, well, he's kinda stuck around, he text's her all the time, emailing etc, and on a few occasions they have met for a drink/gone to the park with her daughter etc....

Now, let me be clear, I'm not the jealous type at all, my wife has plenty of male friends, and minimal female friends. She hangs out with them on occasion if I am busy or out of town, I've met them all and have no problem with them at whatsoever.

My concerns arise because, this is a guy she hasn't spoke to since school, and very quickly, they are hanging out. He lives with his parents, is single, isn't particularly handsome, but in her own words "his personality is exactly like yours!"

From what I know, so far at least, all of her meets with him have NOT been one on one, there's always one of his friends around, or if she's at his house, his parents are there.

I have not met this guy as of yet, and maybe that is escalating my concern.

Fast forward to this weekend, we were due to go to a friends evening wedding on Saturday, I was working in the afternoon, and around 4pm, she tells me that shes got to "pop out to Joe's and drop something off", erm ok.

I stop work around 6pm and start to get ready so we can leave for 7pm ish and get there for around 8ish. My wife didn't return until almost 8pm, and I had been ready and waiting for an hour. I didn't call her, I wanted to let it run its own cause.

We didn't go to the wedding, instead I made it very clear my feelings about this new guy, and the sudden entrance of him into our relationship. That she can hang around with who she wants to, but, its borderline too frequent with him, and I don't want to hear all about "Joe" when its our time sitting and watching TV or whatever we do.

She made some valid points in our discussion, mainly regarding what I posted at the top and our bad luck/her friend moving away, and says that she wouldn't be so stupid to throw away what we have.

The next day, she asks me if its ok for her to go to the lake with him and some pals as she wanted to take her daughter and nephew who she was looking after out for the day.

Anyone got any take on this?

While I don't believe shes physically cheating on me with him, Ive seen this many many times in the past and Im very concerned about where its going.

She knows I wont tolerate any messing about, and I wont! The first evidence of any infidelity and its game over, shes out, and I get on with my life.

But I want to make sure that I don't just to any conclusions, or make any rash accusations later on, as I, like her, am quite emotionally and physically exhausted from all the bad karma over the past couple of years and I'm unsure if my judgement is clouded somewhat.

Thanks in advance for any advice

Hope1964

Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and read it, quickly. She should then read it too.

You're headed for trouble, my friend. Nip it in the bud NOW.

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Accipiter777

Lemme get this straight... Your business is suffering, your working to save it, your wife is having fun time with old male friend.

Clear boundary issues...

My take:

ANY friendship that interferes with a marriage or hurts the SO needs to go.
ANY opposite sex friend can be a problem... innocent or not.

Sounds to me a EA could developing....

"Im very concerned about where its going."

That should be said to her

fuserleer

Heh, I kinda figured that.

In my experience, and what I have seen in the past, once this point is reached its nigh on impossible to reverse it. And even if you manage to get past it, that "doubt" from that point forward is always there.

The way I see it, if I'm worrying about this stuff, and posting on internet forums for advice, its already past the point of no return.

If I forbid her, she will resent me and most likely do it in secret, if I get more "active" with her so she can't see him, that just results in different problems, ie my business would suffer and then serious income issues replace this guy.

I'd like to add though, that shes had some real *******s in the past, one of which was violent, and she never wandered, she broke up in the right manner with these previous guys.

fuserleer

I already made clear my concerns.

I said to her after our discussion "I've had my say on the situation, do what you will, but remember, there's no 2nd chances here!"

So for now, I've decided I'm going to let it all stew for a couple of weeks and see where the dust settles. If I don't like where it's at, I'll take action...

Any "evidence" of foul play is likely on her phone, but I'm hesitant to go "snooping" as to me, that's pretty much a game over situation too....I'd rather trust my instincts, which are usually correct.

I just want to make sure that my current stresses aren't making me see something out of nothing.

Accipiter777

"If I forbid her, she will resent me and most likely do it in secret"

Your right about that... drive it underground and it all becomes secretive... That would breed paranoia, mistrust and lies about where she is/was.

WillK

She's satisfying emotional needs with him that should be satisfied with you. "But I want to take my daughter to..." is rationalization.

Even if she's strong enough to not start an emotional attachment that's inappropriate, that doesn't say that the same goes for OM. And as he forms an attachment, she might buy what he's selling eventually. Especially if you object but don't stop it - that will diminish you to her, openning the door for him.

__________________
The thread linked below is about as close as I get to my story, it has my posts about the point where I turned my marriage around and on the day my wife was planning to move out, instead we started a new beginning. I've been keeping my updates in this thead as well:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-sex-life.html

fuserleer

yup, and I'm not going to put up with that either.

I've been in this situation before, and my tolerance for it is exactly zero.

The dilemma I face of course, is that it IS completely innocent and I make a bad call.

Her attitude towards me is no different than its ever been, we have cuddles, she says she loves me, I get a kiss when she goes out, sex is fine etc etc pretty much zero change at all.

Unless I'm missing something wouldn't a lot of that become less if she was messing around with someone else?

Accipiter777

I had a gut feeling about something.... I snooped.... found out not only was I right, but was able to derail it AND save our marriage. My wife saw why her "Harmless flirting" could have been disastrous... We have become more "Transparent" and things have not only improved... but we both realized we needed to be attentive to each other. Your wife needs to focus less on herself and more on the marriage IMHO.

WillK

Priorities man...

Remember how the game works. Instigate, isolate, escalate. Sounds like he hasn't isolated yet, and you cut it off from escalating if you get in and stop it before then.

With him out of the picture, you've taken charge, and you have the power - now use it responsibly to sort out what needs you weren't meeting, and implement a plan to start meeting those needs. You've got to do for your wife what she was getting elsewhere.

You only hurt her if you are denying her the ability to have her needs met at all.

__________________
The thread linked below is about as close as I get to my story, it has my posts about the point where I turned my marriage around and on the day my wife was planning to move out, instead we started a new beginning. I've been keeping my updates in this thead as well:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-sex-life.html

Accipiter777

WillK said "Even if she's strong enough to not start an emotional attachment that's inappropriate, that doesn't say that the same goes for OM. And as he forms an attachment, she might buy what he's selling eventually."

THIS IS KEY.... THIS is what I said to my wife.... your RIGHT on Will....

EDIT* WillK Said "You only hurt her if you are denying her the ability to have her needs met at all."

VERY true too.....

fuserleer

Yup, I concur here too.

The "you may not have other ideas, but he probably has" was also discussed. It was at that point that she said, and getting upset (I know when people fake lol) that she would be stupid to throw away what we have for a quick fling with him.

To which I retorted with "what if we have a disagreement one day about something, anything, and your thoughts are that I'm being a jerk...off you go, and you buy his bait."

So what's the move here? Play the hard line, see where things lie in a few weeks and lay down the hammer if its worsened? As it seems like I suspected, that there's no real "out".

fuserleer

I try to meet her needs in every way, sometimes of course its not possible, material needs like holidays (by god we need one though) and things like that. But her emotional needs I try to stay on top of.

But if she doesn't make those needs know, and hides them away, I'm none the wiser.

But you are correct, I should step in again if things don't change lay it down a harder and tougher. At the end of the day, she will either respect my wishes and put a stop to it, or she will continue regardless, and that will be that.

WillK

It makes you uncomfortable, she should respect that and stop now for you. You let it continue, how can you credibly stop it later?

Okay, if you really really don't want to risk screwing something benign up and her resenting you, then simply ask to go along on something. If she resists at all, stop all contact no questions asked.

__________________
The thread linked below is about as close as I get to my story, it has my posts about the point where I turned my marriage around and on the day my wife was planning to move out, instead we started a new beginning. I've been keeping my updates in this thead as well:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-sex-life.html

fuserleer

Hmm, ok and I take it everything is nice and rosy in your marriage now?

No I'll feelings that you "invaded her privacy" and all that?