lotsoflove

I apologize for the length of this, I just thought to ask advice I should be clear what the issues are. Thanks in advance

My husband and I have been married for 5 years in September and together for 10. We are 30 and 31 years old and we have one son who is 5.

When we were younger and madly in love, I could never see clearly the issues that would make us somewhat incompatible. Now, they are in my face on a daily basis:

I am super affectionate and loving all the time, I make it a priority. He used to always be so affectionate and kind, that's why I fell in love with him. Now he tends to only be affectionate and loving when he is not pre-occupied: we're adults with a child, a house and careers and he is in med school...aren't we always somewhat pre-occupied?

I am very sensitive (overly so admittedly) and try to be sensitive to the feelings of others, I always taste my words before spitting them out. He can be very insensitive and often does not pay attention to how he speaks in tone or what he says, it can be very hurtful. I find criticism to be generally ineffective unless you know how/when to use it, he says he was raised with criticism and thinks it's how people learn.

I come from a large extended family with successful marriages and generally happy backgrounds, I know that for a marriage to work it takes love and devotion and sometimes hard work. He comes from a background of divorce (mother married 4? times, one uncle married 3 times) and a history of family turmoil. There are 3 successful marriages in his family, 2 started as extramarital affairs. He tries to avoid conflict all together and sees "work" in a marriage as unnecessary, if a relationship takes work, it's the wrong relationship. He immediately shuts down when I am upset about something.

I (female) like to talk issues to death, he (male) would rather avoid them all together. We are on extreme ends of the spectrum here.

I find myself hurt so often by his lack of affection and tact when it comes to communication and I have a hard time hiding it, so I end up beating a dead horse "you're not affectionate enough" "you never say nice things" "you are being rude" "you are being insensitive" and in return I get brushed off or "you are too sensitive" etc.

Because he is unresponsive when I am upset, every argument is left feeling unresolved and issues never seem to go away. They just build on to one another and therefore tiny arguments turn into large, hurtful ones.

When we do not argue, we enjoy one another's company. And when I do get moments of affection it changes my whole mood. Over Christmas we went to an amusement park and he was so affectionate in line all day, hugging and holding and being playful, it was the best day for me. We love each other and we say so. We love our son dearly. I know he feels we are somewhat incompatible as well and we both want it to be better but he sort of feels like if it will get better it will just happen and I feel like it would take hard work or even counseling.

I bought The 5 Love Languages and we agreed to read it. I read it and thought some parts were silly but some could be helpful. I figured he could read it and we could decide together what advice is worthwhile. He agreed, but it has been left unread. To be fair, he is in med school, but I am hoping after his board exam he will take an hour to at least take the little test in the end and read my "love languages".

I can be very sensitive and I do struggle with depression. Maybe I should seek help for myself first? Generally, I am happy but I think my depression makes me more sensitive to his criticisms and tones. He swears my feelings get hurt more than most peoples would. I say he is just too insensitive.

If I stop asking him for more affection and kindness am I more likely to get it? I keep hoping he will come around and then he does something hurtful again or I get my feelings hurt, then we fight and then we are distant.

I want nothing more than to have a happy, life-long marriage with him and our son. Am I just supposed to look past these issues and accept them? Will individual counseling for me help our marriage?

(There are a lot of things that I love about him but they are not mentioned since I am asking for advice on our issues)

lamaga

Well, keep in mind that he's in med school. That's an environment in which being able to take harsh criticism is rewarded, and being sensitive is punished. He may be bringing some of that dynamic home. Also, he's probably just exhausted.

In addition, although this statement will annoy people here? When you are in serious graduate school, it's hard to take books like Five Languages of Love seriously. They are pop-psych, and while they are useful to many people, it's hard to take them seriously when you are immersed all day in a world of academia and hard science.

I would definitely pursue individual counseling. Your position is not an easy one. If the issue you presented is the only one you are worried about, I'd recommend that you try to tough it out, but only you and your counselor can determine what's really going on. I wish you well Keep posting here!

Ten_year_hubby

When you speak with your husband regarding sensitive issues, try to avoid any sentences that begin with "you" and in "you are this" or "you are that". This manner of phrasing will always put your partner on the defensive. As soon as he hears "you ..." his mind turns to preparing his rebuttal and he doesn't hear any of what you are saying.

Try to speak in sentences that start with "I". For instance, "I would like you to be more affectionate" or "I wonder if I could ask you to say more nice things about me". Don't be afraid to ask for what you want but be sure to ask for it nicely.

lotsoflove

I appreciate your response and I agree with your approach. I do try to usually say "I feel" etc. but my husband thinks I am too sensitive so unfortunately he tends to simply disregard what I feel because he considers it irrational. He really tries to not let things affect him and when they do, he keeps things to himself. To an extent, I find that noble, but I also fear it causes him to think that my being affected by things is automatically irrational because he would not feel the same.

lotsoflove

I can get the aversion to "soft science" for sure. And that he is exhausted. I guess my problem with that is he NEVER offers the occasional, "Sorry I am so busy, it will all be worth it in the end". Even our young son was upset that he is so busy and I asked him to have a word with him and he was resistant. And as far as the book, I sent him the link on Amazon before I even purchased it and we agreed to buy it and read it. I even read it first to see how long it would take and it was a matter of hours. I am even fine with him not reading the whole thing, just relevant portions.

It makes me feel like he just doesn't care enough to put in an effort.

lamaga

Yeah, lotsoflove, I do get it. (Can you guess that I was married to a high-powered academic?)

He's got to make some accommodations, somewhere, or he will lose you. I'm not sure that he doesn't care, but he's probably so preoccupied that he doesn't realize how important it is. You may have to keep reminding him.

And I'm sorry.

lotsoflove

Thanks.

Maybe I just need to sit back and see what happens and stopping pushing the issue every time I feel upset or hurt. He knows what I want, maybe if I can back down a little he will come around. I have beat the horse to death, maybe I should give it CPR and let it run a few laps. My parents had a really loving, affectionate marriage with compromise and I am looking for the same from him even though he had no example of it growing up. I fear I am asking too much even though it's really what I want.

Speaking of fear, your avatar scares me lol.