MrK

Sorry this is long. I've been on this and other forums for a long time tip-toeing around my problem. But I need to try to fix it now. I don't think there is any way to, but I need to try one last time. And as lengthy as it is, it's still just another "my wife doesn't love me any more" sob story.

I'm miserable and I won’t divorce over it. I won't punish the rest of my family just because I'm not happy. I'm not going to divorce her after the kids are grown and gone either. I'm not going to further split my time with my kids and grandkids from the time that will already be split with the in-laws. When they're gone I can spend less time around her, that will help. But for now, I'm going to buck up and put on strong face. I'm still a family man. I still laugh with them. Play with them. Be all of their best friends. Even hers. But I know that as long as I'm with her I'll never again be held by a woman who loves me. I'll never again be kissed by a woman who desires my kisses. And I'll never again be missed by a woman who longs for me to be by her side. And hasn't for 15 or more years.

I can live my days. I've got a job that keeps me busy. A household to run. Kids to be with. But after dinner, she settles down in front of the TV to watch shows that are chosen with an understanding that I'm not watching them with her. Flaunting the fact that she knows I have a problem with her choosing crap TV over me. I go to bed (with the help of over-the-counter sleeping pills) knowing she will come to bed long after me, turn her back with barely a good night and go to sleep. Knowing full well how I suffer as I lay 2 feet from the woman I long for more than any other, and have her be 100 miles away. And not even care. My nights are hard. VERY hard. That's why I'm here now. Asking you all for help. I can play her "let's pretend there's no problem" from 7AM - 10PM or later. But I'll eventually have to lay down beside her and be ignored. And I can't do it any more.

Three and a half years ago I was talking with a childhood, friend telling him that I was the luckiest man alive to have the wife I had and the relationship with her that I had. It was special. Sure, the sex wasn't great. Totally nonexistent for the preceding three years and awkward for a few before that. So, she isn't a sexual person. Hardly unusual in a wife, right? I was even beginning to question her sexual orientation. But I had everything else. She loved me. Liked me as a friend. We got along great. Our kids were great and our family was happy. Plus, I've been pretty good at taking care of myself sexually since I was young. If there was one thing I had to live with my life missing, that was acceptable. I was happy.

But that summer I had a couple of triggers hit me at the same time that led to the three year downward spiral I have been on since. One I knew about. It was some old questionable behavior on her part that was never addressed adequately. Swept under the rug. And like any wound that isn’t set correctly, it festered and would act up every few years. Bother me for a few weeks then go away for a couple of years until it would flair up again.

I was in one of these regular funks on that issue when the second "trigger" hit me like a ton of bricks, and the two combined to lead me here. A simple comment made to her by her girlfriend at a neighborhood BBQ. Right in front of me. I didn’t even accidently overhear it. It was seemingly innocent enough. But in that one awful instance I realized that the problem wasn't that my wife didn't find men in general sexually unattractive, she just wasn't into ME. It made me realize that my wife may NEVER have been attracted to me. And in the subsequent years of dealing with it (ALL WRONG, I might add) I realized she may never have loved me. And IF there was ever a chance to fix it, I destroyed that with two years of begging, crying, accusing, and a host of other "don't do's".

As long as I play along, my wife will talk to me. Laugh with me. Pretend that she loves me. Blow me on command. But she will never love me again. They rarely come back under circumstances that are more favorable to rekindled happiness. But this is not good. We can't talk about anything. ANYTHING. She not only shows no attempts to help make things better but deliberately does things to make it obvious she doesn't care. It's over. Trust me.

I don't have to pretend to love her. Just let her do what she wants to do (which is, unfortunately, not much) unless she HAS TO do something else (put up a happy front in front of the kids, let me screw her). I'd keep faking it like this forever: I go out when I want and go wherever I want (I've implemented a "mostly" 180), I have unlimited sex in which I DON"T HAVE TO PLEASE HER AT ALL! (It's all for me, she doesn't like it anyway, so why not finish up quick?) It may be little rapey/sex-slave ish knowing she'd rather not be there at that particular moment, but It's consensual (I guess). But I can't go to bed. It's just too hard. EVERY NIGHT, a reminder that the love that I THOUGH was so special was a lie for so long.

After reading this one last time, I realize I never even asked a question. I just don’t know what to do.

lamaga

WHY?????????

Why would you condemn yourself to a life of misery? Your kids will survive a divorce. And what kind of model are you giving them now?

Why would you want to do this for the next howevermany years?

vi_bride04

Sounds like a miserable existance.

And sounds exactly what I would be putting up with if I stayed with my H. Lifes too short. Get out of that hell.

aug

Where is your wife getting her emotional needs met? Sounds like not from you, so where?

And her sexual needs?

A Bit Much

So what is your next move?

Hopefull363

Mr.K,

I have a similar story to yours but I'm the wife. Can't post what I want to now (have to go to son's baseball game)but will post when the children go to bed. I got the speech you think you want and it cuts like a knife. I agree with your reasons for staying but let's see if we can come up with some suggestions to helping your marriage. One of the questions I have is asked above by aug. You'll understand why when I post later.

Gaia

ok I'm confused.... I have seen a MrK on here and a MrsK.... Not sure if MrsK is MrKs wife but Mrsk's posts about her husband have been about how she loves him and such... umm has no one else wondered if MrK and MrsK are H&W? OP?? Does your wife come on these boards? Have you two ever TALKED about your feelings? Communicated with one another?

Ten_year_hubby

MrK,

I'm not real sure how much of this is your wife's behavior and how much is your reaction to your wife's behaviors. It's all kind of blurred together but it looks a lot to me like a lot of misinterpretation of a lot of common behavior.

On your side of things, you can stop letting whatever she does or doesn't do bother you. Just let it all go. Don't judge, don't analyze and don't over think.

On her side of the picture, her behavior is driven by her self image. The better she feels about herself, the better she will feel about you. Although you can't make her feel anything or be anything she doesn't want, you are still in a really good position to influence her.

I think a lot of people live like you. But if you don't like it, do something about it.

GTdad

The title of this thread hit me like a ton of bricks. For my part, I agree. At least we'd have a friggin' dialogue, hopefully different from the occasional "conversations" we have where I voice my concerns and she explains to me why I'm wrong. I don't know if my marriage will last, but I've decided to keep the family together.

But here's the difference: my situation is tolerable. My wife doesn't make me miserable, and as long as we keep things superficial, things are fairly pleasant. If I was in a situation like you describe, I can say with confidence that I'd call it quits. I nearly did; I'm nearly 50 and life is short. But I weighed the pros and cons and decided to stay. If I were you, I'd weigh those pros and cons again.

I ask this because I struggled with this for months: are you afraid? Whether it be of the uncertainties of divorce, your wife, your kids' future, or what will become of you? It took me a while to lose my fear. My life and marriage became alot more palatable after I did. I knew I'd be okay, that whatever happened, I could handle it. It may suck, but it was doable. You can handle this, my friend, regardless of what happens.

SunnyT

If you are lucky....she will leave you. BTDT.

If your kids were older and married, and came to YOU with this problem.... what would you advise them to do?

Hopefull363

Mr. K,
I got that speech in December 2011. My husband and I have been married 14 years. We owned a business for 13 of them. Over the years working together became toxic. He started to verbally abuse me and I responded with verbal abuse back. We started disconnecting from each other emotionally. I started wanting less and less sex. I didn't realize it at the time but it was from me not getting my emotional needs met. The less sex we had the further he emotionally went.

When I got the speech it was because at that time our business had closed (economy), our house had just been sold, we had just moved out of the city and we were staring our bankruptcy process.

I was hoping that this could be a new beginning for us and we could become close again now that the business was closed. The verbal abuse had stopped on both ends. I was trying to force him to communicate with me and then I got the ILYBINILWY. I thought my life had fallen apart because through everything I still loved him.

When I married him in my mind that meant unconditional love. Through thick and thin I will love him.

He didn't want a separation and I did not want to live with someone that doesn't love me. We also have 2 boys age 11 and 13 to consider.

We decided we wanted to work it out. I read a couple of books. The most helpful being His Needs, Her Needs. I was able to see what I was doing wrong and own my part of the problem. He still hasn't read the book but he is responding in a very good way to the changes I've made in myself. He is now much more emotionally supportive to me which I needed. The sex has picked up and is more frequent and better than ever before. Sex has been great for about 5 months now.

We still hit our bumps and when we do I think about the ILYBINILWY. Every time I do it feels like a knife in my stomach. I wish I never heard those words. I hope you never hear them. All of this was caused by an emotional distance caused by bad communication.

So try to find a way to fix your communication to fix your emotional distance. Where does your wife get her emotional support from?

Hopefull363

Also, wanted to add. Neither of us had an affair. Not an EA or PA. I don't know if he checked on me but I checked on him.

Ten_year_hubby

I got that speech myself and the consequences are still reverberating through our marriage. My wife, for her part, now denies she ever said it. This is a perfect example of "be careful what you ask for"

sinnister

I'm sorry you're going through this MrK. Seems as though you've tried everything but she refuses to change.

I know what it's like to endure pain in the name of preserving the young family you built. If this is your decision stay strong and stay sane. There are days where I feel like doing some crazy ish. Don't give in.

alphaomega

Mr k.

Your thread title reeks of martyrdom. And frankly, is the pu$$y way out of the situation. If you want change, then you will have to do it yourself. Even if that means divorce if it comes to that.

Frankly, your attitude is full of self sacrifice, and in conjecture....maybe you think you are being the stronger man and everyone will just fawn over your willingness to endure punishment like you are. Only in the movies does the martyr get reverence. In real life....no one even "cares", so to speak.

You are the only one responsible for your emotional destiny. No one else. That means you are the only one that can put it back on the right path. Whether that means repairing your marriage or eventual divorce is up to you. Waiting for her to give you that speech isnt going to make it any easier. Or better. And frankly, I think it's weak, IMO.

Control your own life. Fix your brokenness. No one will do it for you. Only you can change it.
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