General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
What would put you off a woman as marriage material?
I have just been reading that ^^^ insanely long thread about the fiancee and the photo and if she cheated...
I have a question for all. REMOVING the cheating aspect... How does a woman's past figure when a man wants to look for "forever" material?
Do guys have rules? Like does (did) anyone use certain indicators to rule out women? Anything a dealbreaker such as over a certain amount of partners? Previous one night stands? Length of time before sleepung with someone? Particular activities that have happened in the past?
Or would you as a guy judge on who someone is now rather than past? Do you make a judgement based solely on what you see now? Or a combination of past history?
Would it put you off if a woman had previously slept with someone right off but made you wait?
Have been fascinated by reading plenty of things on here so do share! Posted via Mobile Device
Re: What would put you off a woman as marriage material?
OK, I'll bite, even though I am female.
Basically, at a certain age, everyone has baggage. Everyone. And if they don't, they aren't someone you want anyway -- I'm in my early 50's, and I would have NO interest in a guy my age who had never dated at all.
Having said that, I think a certain amount of non-disclosure about the past is appropriate. My H knows about my former marriage and a former serious boyfriend. He has never asked about the number of sexual partners I've had, and I wouldn't answer if he did -- because everyone has an ideal number in mind, and if you are below or above that, then what? And I haven't asked his number either.
You'll get a lot of varied responses to this, good question!
Re: What would put you off a woman as marriage material?
Ah well you see that's another potential factor - age. Could such judgements change depending on the age of the man looking AND the woman he's looking at? Posted via Mobile Device
Re: What would put you off a woman as marriage material?
Quote:
Originally Posted by DXG
If she is a party Girl, even if she says, i love you and want to spend my life with you. I would not trust it.
Also I have seen many women with a lot of guy "friends" that had sex with her at one time and now are friends
That stuff would turn me off too. If she had been divorced, I would want to know why. If she left just because she wasn't "happy" anymore and didn't have good reasons, I wouldn't want that.
If she is a party Girl, even if she says, i love you and want to spend my life with you. I would not trust it.
Also I have seen many women with a lot of guy "friends" that had sex with her at one time and now are friends
DXG - what if, say, she USED to be a party girl, maybe in her younger years, but after had a history of being settled and out of that lifestyle? Would that alter things? Posted via Mobile Device
Re: What would put you off a woman as marriage material?
This is going to strike many as horribly unfair, but I'd advise my sons (and daughters) to avoid anyone with clear issues from childhood. Too often that seems to manifest later in life as an inability to maintain a healthy relationship.
Come to think about it, I could go on at length: compatible goals, having goals period, work ethic, blah blah.
Re: What would put you off a woman as marriage material?
GTDad, I agree. And anyone who doesn't have a reasonable relationship with their FOO needs to tell me why -- I mean, some FOOs are toxic and cutting ties is wise, but if they simply cannot maintain a relationship with their normal parents/siblings? That's a red flag.
Re: What would put you off a woman as marriage material?
Quote:
Originally Posted by GTdad
This is going to strike many as horribly unfair, but I'd advise my sons (and daughters) to avoid anyone with clear issues from childhood. Too often that seems to manifest later in life as an inability to maintain a healthy relationship.
Come to think about it, I could go on at length: compatible goals, having goals period, work ethic, blah blah.
I think issues certainly something to consider. My x wife came from a dysfunctional family who liked drama. On the surface, they appeared to be a great family, but they had issues. On the other hand, I grew up in Mayberry, so to speak. Everything in my family was done with applied logic. I can't think of a single issue that amounted to anything when i was a kid. My childhood was filled with happiness and contentment. So, in that regard, we came from opposite ends of the spectrum. I think that probably contributed to our divorce.
Although she seemed very issue-free throughout our marriage, I guess those childhood issues still made their mark. After 18 years, she told me she wasn't happy any longer and suddenly everything I had done was wrong, even though I thought it was quite vanilla.
I guess I wasn't a good enough psychologist to know how to deal with someone who had had issues in their childhood. I've said to myself that if I ever find someone else, I hope it is someone who didn't have issues.
Re: What would put you off a woman as marriage material?
Quote:
Originally Posted by lamaga
GTDad, I agree. And anyone who doesn't have a reasonable relationship with their FOO needs to tell me why -- I mean, some FOOs are toxic and cutting ties is wise, but if they simply cannot maintain a relationship with their normal parents/siblings? That's a red flag.
Yes and no. Sometimes, what is normal to one person is not normal to another. My family has always been close knit. I am close to my mom, dad, sisters...pretty much everyone. My husband is not. His mom, while I wouldn't say she is/was necessarily crazy, is definitely annoying. Hubby and his sister had the same upbringing. Same parents, same house, everything. Sister was a troublemaker. Hubby was very docile. He has a tough time maintaining a relationship with his mom. Dad passed away a few years before we met. Based on the highlighted part above, it would be a red flag that his mom and he don't speak often, and when they do, it is at MY insistence. But my husband was definitely marriage material. And I wouldn't change that for anything.
Regarding baggage... yes, everyone has some sort of baggage. At this point, obviously the issues my husband and I have gone thru would be considered baggage. God forbid, if anything were to happen to him, and I had to re-enter the dating world, there would be a LOT of baggage. And that wouldn't be due to anything prior to him. I am a mom of 3 kids. Many men don't want that "ready made family", even at my age (37)...So imagine how that would be years down the road lol. Even men in their 50s have that thought. Not all, but some.
Personally, I disclosed everything to my husband. I had more experience than he. It didn't deter him in the least. I gave him my number (2)... he gave me his (0). Even if he had been with 10 women, it wouldn't have bothered me. I would have wanted the number tho. It's about honesty. It's about trust. I wouldn't have asked for names or anything, but I would rather know how many before me.
Anyway, my point is you can't always guess how they will be with you based on even normal families. And baggage, while everyone has it, some people want to know the "how many"s and "why"s...
I have two sisters. One is divorced and remarried. One is getting a divorce now. Neither case was simply "I was unhappy". Both were due to infidelity. I would rather hear from a potential mate that "I divorced because (s)he cheated" rather than "I divorced because I wasn't in love anymore" or "I divorced because I wasn't happy anymore"... WHY weren't you happy? "I wasn't happy anymore" is a big red flag in MY eyes. I'd look at that, especially if he didn't elaborate, as "hmmm... when the going gets tough, he splits. Sorry, not the man for me. buh~bye"
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What would put you off a woman as marriage material? 
