MrK

Make sure your wife knows that even thought she see's it as fun and flirty, he wants to screw her. And don't allow her to say it's not like that. EVERY guy on this site knows he wants to get in her pants.

End this. NOW.

Toffer

More time to text/flirt with the guy? Hell, if she's there for two more hours than she has to be (between the dead time of 11 PM and 1 AM) and the OM LIVES at the hotel, she has two hours to bang him if she wants!

She needs to QUIT this job ASAP!

Toffer

lamaga, my response wasn't to your post at all! I agree that people can be controlling. I sometimes have that issue too!. I believe that my response was geared more towards the words I saw the OP post!

turnera

That's what EVERY cheater says.

turnera

Have you gone to pay him a visit yet? Why not?

turnera

If you don't have to be at work till 11, why not just sleep longer? Adapt hours closer to HER work schedule.

Oh, and stop telling her to come home when the club is slow. That IS whiny and not attractive. I'd stay there later just because you said that.

Now, if you were to give her a REASON to come home earlier, that would be a different story. What are you doing to make yourself the most attractive option?

LOSTfan

But the reason I want her hom earlier is so its less time there, and less time im at home alone, thinking " is this the day she makes a mistake and goes up to his room"


I know its whiny... Thats the reason I came on here. How do I really drive the point above home, without being whiny

LOSTfan

Aldo I wil say, I know all her passwords now, but she thinks that if I check up on her even once after this that Im just harping and not moving on, and looking for something to fight about... Part of that I agree with, but the other part of me says " how else can I be sure?"

Acorn

You really have to get over thinking like this because that's not whiny, that's insecurity. (whether it is justified or not)

keko

What do you mean you agree with it? She's flirting with another man after midnight and you're not allowed to protect your marriage by simply checking up on her?

Monitor her without letting her know, such as look through her phone when she's in shower/sleeping, install a keylogger on the computer just to catch her incase she deletes sent emails or has a secret email account.

turnera

That's easy. You state your boundary, and you state the consequence if she crosses your boundary.

"I now feel uneasy about you spending time outside your shift at work, given that's where the potential for cheating is going on. I can't handle being with someone who chooses to stay there and have fun over coming home to me. Now, I'm willing to make changes to make coming home to me more fun, but if you choose to keep staying there, knowing that you're hurting me, I'll take that as a sign that you're not that invested in our marriage any more, so I'll start making plans to split up."

And if she continues, despite you saying this, you then go to her with a written out plan for how to divide the assets. Ask for her input (this is her chance to take you seriously; if she doesn't then change, split up anyway).

turnera

Bullhockey. SHE lost your trust. With HER actions. She NOW has to suffer the consequence of LOSING your trust.

Too bad so sad. If she doesn't like you monitoring her electronics, she's welcome to move out.

Until you reach this point - that point that ALL betrayed husbands have to ultimately reach - you have NO control over your marriage. (and she knows it)

LOSTfan

But what if she really is being honest about not talking to him anymore... And all Im doing is beating a dead horse?

turnera

That's not the point, Lost. The point is that she married YOU, not him, not her job, just you. She owes you her allegiance. Now, she especially owes you a little bit of extra effort.

See, the thing is, most betrayed husbands come here terrified the wife is going to leave them. They can't stand up for themselves, she'll leave me. They can't say what they want, she'll leave me. They can't expose, she'll leave me. They can't set extra precautions (like not staying late at work), she'll leave me.

You are operating out of FEAR. Just like nearly every other BH. Because of that, all your actions will be the wrong ones, because they will be based on not pissing off your wife.

You'll go through hell, because of that. You'll start getting resentful. You'll start wondering what you're doing this for. You'll start to dislike her. Eventually, you'll grow to hate her and rue the day you met her. And you'll end up without her.

Now, do you want to follow the advice that WORKS? That's offered by people here who have been helping hundreds of men in your exact same situation? Who know psychology and know WHY our advice works (we want what we can't have, and all)?

Or do you want to just keep operating out of fear, trying to control her by being a doormat, which makes her dislike you and want to cheat MORE? Only to find out that you never had any control over her at all? And you end up losing her anyway.

There is typically one thing ONLY that cheating women understand: strength. No appeasement, no negotiating, no asking. You TELL her what you require for you to stay married to her - including her coming home as soon as her shift is over and removing herself from the affair-inducing environment. Typically, we tell you to tell her she has to QUIT that job, if the OM will still be there.

But if you don't stand strong on this one thing, you will just get to keep a wife who will KEEP cheating on you.

turnera

And it's not an argument. She will try to MAKE it one, so she can negotiate for what she wants. DON'T. You state what you must have, for now (so soon after the cheating), to stay with her. Then it's her choice - either do what you need, or you divorce. Her choice. You will not negotiate.