LOSTfan

So I should state that I should be able to have access to all electronics. That even if work is dead, it's more important to come home. (see, she can clock out whenever she wants after a few hours, if its dead. She says she stays in case it gets busy again). I found myself having to negotiate, I said i won't check up on her and constantly text her at work asking when is she coming home.... With all that, even if she gets mad and defensive and says I'm being controlling and unattractive because I'm being insecure.... In the end she'll calm down and respect me more?
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keko

I wouldnt mention a thing about the electronics, that's one way you can easily check up on her and if you tip her off then she will use other means to stay in touch with that guy. Rather focus on how she disregards your wishes about coming home early and staying in touch with the OM. Explicitly tell her to come home earlier and not to talk/text that person anymore.

Can you clarify where that guy works and his house is?

Do you have any friend or relative at her workplace which can check up on her after the dead hours?
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LOSTfan

Well We've already talked about the electronics, thats how I found out in the first place. She volunteered to stop all texting and would only speak to him if it was work related.

He is a security guard at the front door of this hotel/club. He lives in one of the rooms at this hotel. Hence my worry every time she goes to work. And I do have friends who could do that. But I feel if shes not doing anything, and I do that, the marriage is over anyways. At some point, don't i just have to have faith that she sipped?
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turnera

Of course you don't have to have faith. Not after she CHEATED on you! Good grief! "Don't I have to..." is just doormat-speak for "I'm scared to put my foot down, scared she'll leave me."

Do you REALLY want to live THAT life?

Here is the typical list of betrayed spouses, once the wayward spouse agrees to stop cheating:
1)She writes him a No Contact letter stating she made a mistake and she wants to keep her marriage and never to contact her again. YOU read her letter (and if it's a love letter, you hand it back and say 'not good enough') and YOU send it to him.
2)She gives you all her passwords.
3)For the foreseeable future (til you feel a bit safer), she lets you know where she is at all times; you don't have to have a rundown of what she's doing, you just need to be able to verify where she is, should the need arise.
4)She agrees to marriage counseling, to figure out how she fell for this and for BOTH of you to figure out what's lacking so you can BOTH fix it (notice this is you admitting you could be a better husband), SHE finds one, and SHE sets up the appointment.
5)Normally, she would agree to quit the job where the OM is. I seem to recall that you guys didn't really need that money that much anyway, right? I'd tell her to quit if she wants to save the marriage, and start looking for a new one. Offer to help.


That's the bare bones of what you MUST have, in order for you to stay with her and give her a second chance. If you aren't approaching this all in terms of what chances you need to give her (i.e., she's lucky you are), then you are lost.

keko

That's tough call my friend. But right now you have a damn good reason to check up on her. I don't see it as marriage being over by your "snooping" but rather you fighting to save it.

It will take time to trust her deep down but due to the nature of her work and him being part of her work it will make it 10x worse/longer.

Is it possible for her to change her hours and days to where OM isn't working? Or even a less paying job with similar hours as yours?

LOSTfan

asking to change hours in the waitress industry at a club is the easiest way to get fired. The money is too good, and theres plenty of girls who would gladly take over. And changing hours really wouldn't do much, as he lives there and is there possibly every hour of every day. I get it seems like I'm being a doormat. kind of... I think the problem is, shes never done anything like this before, she expressed remorse, but it seems like I'm making a bigger deal of this then she is because she viewed it as harmless at first. Which makes me feel like I'm trying much harder right now than she is. And Her personality is "we've talked about it, I apologized, I told you i would stop lets move on and stop harping.
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Machiavelli

A few questions:
Who makes more, you or your wife?
Who's hotter, you or your wife?
How often do y'all get it on?
Have you ever initiated sexting with your wife or did you just ask her first?
Why are you in Vegas? Why stay?

Bottom line is that you probably need to up the dominance and attraction, not reduce it. How often do women hit on you?

warlock07

Just for information sake, texting can happen over the data plan(internet).

warlock07

You know this guy right? Shouldn't you confront him? How dare he do that in your presence. Ask him to f*ck off

LOSTfan

mach, I'd say we make about the same right now. She has the ability to make more with a really good night in tips. Sometimes as low as 50, or as high as 500.but I have the chance to make more being in line for a promotion soon. For looks, we're honestly both 9s. However it takes a lot less for her to be a 10. I really gotta groom and dress nice to be a 10. And when I'm home, id say I'm an 8. I'm sure she gets hit on every night at work, that doesn't bother me. And I get hit on whenever I'm out, with her our without. I've Tried to initiate the sexting countless times. I will admit, she finally responded and was great at it a couple days ago. Which led to me initiating and taking charge of the sex, which she loves and I'm uncomfortable doing. were in vegas cause of my job, if i don't get this promotion, we're going to make plans to move to fl
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LOSTfan

Warlock, I texted him asking him what the f he was thinking flirting via text with my wife. He had the same answer as her, it was just harmless and that I shouldnt over react. I told him to stop
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turnera

Cheaterspeak for get over it already. She won't give you more than that until you show her in action that you EXPECT more.

LOSTfan

After reading no more mr nice guy, I can happily say that my marriage has gone in the right direction. I quickly began to work on me and me only. My wife has seen the change in me and the way I treat her. I no longer fawn at her, and essentially be her slave. She respects the heck out of me now. And were both healthier for it. Sure there are bumps in the road, and sure neither one of us will be perfect. But I have the tools to learn from mistakes, and the love we have I getting stronger and stronger.
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turnera

Good job!

Did you get the answers you needed yet?

*EarlyLove*

ive been through the same thing kind of different...i too was a waitress at a bar...its hard to work there and be married...you have to be really friendly to guys and girls to get tipped well...what you are doing ex. having her check up with you when she gets there will only push her away further...my advice is to be completely oposite...try showing up for drinks w friends since you guys dont get much time together...one thing for sure...your so called "buddy" you need to check his butt now...asap...confront him face to face...i see no respect for you from him...